Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Monday, December 20, 2010


It's been a month since I last posted. I'm ok with this. I needed to take a time-out to access the reality of my situation without being distracted wholly by my emotions and when I's me..putting all my emotion, raw and unfiltered for the world to see. Then I end up dwelling on it. I also didn't want to write again until I had something positive to write. I'm still not sure if I have a lot of "positive" to write, but I'm making my way there. I'm still dealing with a little depression here and there mostly b/c I'm still trying to deal with my feelings towards David and my marriage. Just when I begin feeling a bit happier, some buried emotion pops its way to the top and screams to get out. Then comes anger...sadness...not being satisfied. I find myself challenging David, wanting to see just how open he is to hearing about all the damage he's done. When the emotion builds up a lot, I finally let it loose. David has surprised me with his reaction. He takes it and takes it some more. Sometimes he tries to defend himself, but then he realizes he doesn't need to. I let him have his turn. I took care of him and he knows it, so now he's dealing with the wreckage that is me. The other night he went out with his long time friend...a friend I used to admire. David told me one time about how he and his friend would walk along and see some hot girl. His friend would say, "Her?". David might would say, "Yeah." This is code for, "Would you fuck her?"  At one time I'd laugh about this b/c I never expected that my husband would go blind after marrying me and it's not like I've never admired Kevin Costner's ass in Robin Hood....or Jude Law's in Cold Mountain. Lust doesn't just automatically cut off after marriage...I'm not dumb. I just had security in knowing David wouldn't stray and he'd come home to my bed at least I used to. Then there was the time right before David cheated when I called over at his friend's house to ask David something. It was shortly after he had left our house so I wasn't sure if he had made it there or not. His friend answered: "Hello?", "Hey, David there?", "Umm, yeah, but he can't come to the phone...he's in the bathroom." "It hasn't been long since he left, so I was expecting that he might not be there yet." "Oh, well umm he just stepped out.", "Umm, it's ok if he's not there, I just needed to ask him something. Will you tell him to call me when he gets there?" "Uhh...yeah". I was pretty pissed b/c I knew he was lieing. That pretty much let me know that his friend would be willing to cover for him no matter what...even if it hurt my children and I. He did this once more after David cheated on me. I'm pretty sure I will never like this guy again. So, David called me the other night when he was with this friend. He wanted to see if he could go eat with him since I had some plans of my own. I told him to go ahead. He thanked me and told me his friend thanked me too. I was short with David and he sensed this. I told him how I feel about his friend now. I told him I don't expect him to stop being friends with this guy, but I told him I will never respect this guy again and that I can't guarantee I'll be thrilled when he goes to hang out with him. David was accepting of this and understood where I was coming from. I was actually surprised.
  I was even more surprised when I told him over a month ago that I'm not sure if I love him as much as I used to. I told him how I appreciate that he's been trying really hard, but I still just don't know how deep my love is anymore. Admitting this was kind of a shocker for me. It almost felt like it wasn't me saying it. I think it had been on the tip of my tongue, but I just didn't want to admit it. Even more shocking, was how David reacted. He held me...b/c I was crying. He said, "C'mon baby, you love me dontcha? I love you and I'll keep trying to show you." He also told me, "Let it all out...I know you need to." I cried and cried and cried. I said mean things to him and he held me even closer. I find myself wanting to test see how much he can endure. I want to know if he's going to chicken out or try to half ass his way through all of this, but he keeps surprising me. I keep expecting him to pull away after I drop unpleasant words in his lap that I've been holding in. He still holds me, kisses me....validates me even. So, I guess we're making progress. I told him we need to change therapists b/c the lady we've been seeing is an idiot. He said ok. So, we're on the next leg of our journey. I'm just trying not to explode. It's hard some days.
  Meanwhile, I am enjoying this wonderful holiday season. I love Christmas and it definitely helps things. I'm making a big feast for my family this year and doing every holiday craft I can get my hands on. This is therapeutic for my kids and I. I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas. Sorry if this is a boring post. Just thought I'd write for a change. Take care all and have a wonderful new year. Laters Gators.

From Nelly Furtado's "Explode"
We're counting the stars
We're counting the stars
We're gonna go far, we're gonna go far
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars
We're not very far, we're not very far

And it's you and me in the open air
It's truth or dare, we don't care
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars


  1. At least you have forward momentum going. That is better than where you were before (stalled out). As for not being able to love him the way you did before... this is a toughie. If you work on rebuilding this thing together, your love could be stronger. I have heard of cases like this. But it takes two and a lot of hard work. However, if he killed something inside of you that you know in your heart of hearts is dead and not coming back... well, all of the therapy in the world isn't going to change it. You can forgive. But you cannot create love where there isn't any. Most of all, you can't create respect where there isn't any. And if you don't RESPECT the man you are with, you can't love him. How do you love someone you don't respect? Think on that a while. There are so many things that can be rebuilt. Trust can be rebuilt with time. You can even work on being kinder to each other. More thoughtful. You can make declarations of honesty and adhere to them. But respect is fundamental. And when you find your new therapist, if you think this is a sticky piint for you, it needs to be addressed. Understand the difference between feeling disprespected and having lost all respect for someone. Two totally different things. A person can stop disrespecting you (that is them and the way they treat you). The other is a feeling YOU have about THEM. And it isn't always easy to "dig out." All that said... I say it with love and my desire for you to feel good about you. Read your last post and then this one. You are soooo much better. Not you and David. You. Hurrah. xoxoxo. Merry Christmas.

  2. love and respect can be rebuilt. I know, It has happened in my marriage. But you do have to get to a place where you stop hurting him. Getting to a place where you draw lines he can't cross. Very good and not optional. You can lose all the love for someone and get it back. You can.
    It takes time.
    Hang in there.

  3. Thanks you two. I still respect David, but I am still angry with him. And it's not to say I haven't lost a little respect for him, but when I say things to him it's not me calling him names or anything. It's me telling him how I still don't trust him and me telling him how I felt during the time we were separated...I think things he needs to hear. But, I definitely need to work on not being so's killing me. Thanks for the reassurance Chris. I'm glad to know that it's possible to rebuild. Makes me hopeful.
    Thanks Robin. It's nice to know I'm getting better. lol. I haven't been able to tell. lol Merry Christmas to both of you. xoxoxoxoxo

  4. And are right..I definitely need to get to the point that I don't want to hurt him anymore. Gah, I feel so retarded even feeling this way b/c it does not come naturally to wanna hurt someone.

  5. And Robin, I really hope whatever I'm not feeling isn't something dead inside of me...I have thought about this often.

  6. This will take time to get over. But, there comes a point in time where you just have to forgive and not look back. Easier said than done...I know. I am so sorry that you are going through this. But, you are handling it. It is only natural that you should feel angry. You are hurt. Hang in there and keep writing. It doesn't matter if it is "positive" or not. Letting it out can help you move on. Hugs to you and Happy New Year.

  7. Wow, you sound like me a couple years ago. Since the divorce, I have to admit that I am shocked at the depths to which my psyche went to in order to "not see" the things I didn't want to deal with. I wanted to be in a loving marriage, so I overly loved him thinking that if there was love in the relationship, it was mutual, but none was received back. I tried to ignore that and ignore his general controlling ways and meanness and inability to ever ever ever make one compliment and his picking on my weight gain and inspecting my housework. I had to twist myself inside out. Every night, I lay in bed, I would think about death. Not that I wanted to die, but that I was scared I would die, having never been really loved, told something nice about myself, kissed, comforted, never picked where I live, never been to Europe, on and on the list of regrets got and the clock ticked and I entered my latter 40s. The day I moved out, I went to bed in an apartment. The first time in 47 years I had been on my own ever. I thought I would have trouble sleeping. Instead, I fell into a deep wonderful sleep. I did this every night. Then, I realized something. I no longer ever ever thought about death or how it would suck to die. I could now see all those dreams I grieved happening at my own hands. It sucked where I was, but I never knew how much until I left. Then, I realized what I had put up with and instead of being angry at myself for putting up with it for 26 years, I was proud of myself. It said a hell of a lot that I was that loyal that long and that strong to find happiness and light in my own way to survive the blight. You will get a perspective but it only comes with being at a distance to see it. I'm with you if you need me.

  8. Hey Kim.... just wanted you to know that you are missed. Hope things are going good for you. (((hugs)))

  9. Thanks guys, I'm sorry I haven't come by to read comments here lately. I hadn't any clue you guys had left a few more comments. I will write soon...promise. :)

  10. Leaving you something on my blog. You need some inspiration...