Explode

It's been a month since I last posted. I'm ok with this. I needed to take a time-out to access the reality of my situation without being distracted wholly by my emotions and when I blog...it's me..putting all my emotion, raw and unfiltered for the world to see. Then I end up dwelling on it. I also didn't want to write again until I had something positive to write. I'm still not sure if I have a lot of "positive" to write, but I'm making my way there. I'm still dealing with a little depression here and there mostly b/c I'm still trying to deal with my feelings towards David and my marriage. Just when I begin feeling a bit happier, some buried emotion pops its way to the top and screams to get out. Then comes anger...sadness...not being satisfied. I find myself challenging David, wanting to see just how open he is to hearing about all the damage he's done. When the emotion builds up a lot, I finally let it loose. David has surprised me with his reaction. He takes it and takes it some more. Sometimes he tries to defend himself, but then he realizes he doesn't need to. I let him have his turn. I took care of him and he knows it, so now he's dealing with the wreckage that is me. The other night he went out with his long time friend...a friend I used to admire. David told me one time about how he and his friend would walk along and see some hot girl. His friend would say, "Her?". David might would say, "Yeah." This is code for, "Would you fuck her?"  At one time I'd laugh about this b/c I never expected that my husband would go blind after marrying me and it's not like I've never admired Kevin Costner's ass in Robin Hood....or Jude Law's in Cold Mountain. Lust doesn't just automatically cut off after marriage...I'm not dumb. I just had security in knowing David wouldn't stray and he'd come home to my bed at night...at least I used to. Then there was the time right before David cheated when I called over at his friend's house to ask David something. It was shortly after he had left our house so I wasn't sure if he had made it there or not. His friend answered: "Hello?", "Hey, David there?", "Umm, yeah, but he can't come to the phone...he's in the bathroom." "It hasn't been long since he left, so I was expecting that he might not be there yet." "Oh, well umm he just stepped out.", "Umm, it's ok if he's not there, I just needed to ask him something. Will you tell him to call me when he gets there?" "Uhh...yeah". I was pretty pissed b/c I knew he was lieing. That pretty much let me know that his friend would be willing to cover for him no matter what...even if it hurt my children and I. He did this once more after David cheated on me. I'm pretty sure I will never like this guy again. So, David called me the other night when he was with this friend. He wanted to see if he could go eat with him since I had some plans of my own. I told him to go ahead. He thanked me and told me his friend thanked me too. I was short with David and he sensed this. I told him how I feel about his friend now. I told him I don't expect him to stop being friends with this guy, but I told him I will never respect this guy again and that I can't guarantee I'll be thrilled when he goes to hang out with him. David was accepting of this and understood where I was coming from. I was actually surprised.
  I was even more surprised when I told him over a month ago that I'm not sure if I love him as much as I used to. I told him how I appreciate that he's been trying really hard, but I still just don't know how deep my love is anymore. Admitting this was kind of a shocker for me. It almost felt like it wasn't me saying it. I think it had been on the tip of my tongue, but I just didn't want to admit it. Even more shocking, was how David reacted. He held me...b/c I was crying. He said, "C'mon baby, you love me dontcha? I love you and I'll keep trying to show you." He also told me, "Let it all out...I know you need to." I cried and cried and cried. I said mean things to him and he held me even closer. I find myself wanting to test him....to see how much he can endure. I want to know if he's going to chicken out or try to half ass his way through all of this, but he keeps surprising me. I keep expecting him to pull away after I drop unpleasant words in his lap that I've been holding in. He still holds me, kisses me....validates me even. So, I guess we're making progress. I told him we need to change therapists b/c the lady we've been seeing is an idiot. He said ok. So, we're on the next leg of our journey. I'm just trying not to explode. It's hard some days.
  Meanwhile, I am enjoying this wonderful holiday season. I love Christmas and it definitely helps things. I'm making a big feast for my family this year and doing every holiday craft I can get my hands on. This is therapeutic for my kids and I. I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas. Sorry if this is a boring post. Just thought I'd write for a change. Take care all and have a wonderful new year. Laters Gators.

From Nelly Furtado's "Explode"
We're counting the stars
We're counting the stars
We're gonna go far, we're gonna go far
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars
We're not very far, we're not very far

And it's you and me in the open air
It's truth or dare, we don't care
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars