Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Need You Now

I want to talk with my best friend.....the best friend that I married long ago. I'm having trouble reaching out to him. I feel alone. I need him now, but I can't....just can't....because he's the reason I hurt. I've cried another hundred tears tonight. It came out of nowhere. Things have been fine....really fine. Maybe this is why. I'm not ready for things to be fine. I want to bitch someone out...him....because I haven't been able to. He needed help, so I got strong. I want to be vulnerable. I want someone to hold me and let me sob. I want to be taken care of....but, I'm the caregiver. I want to be fragile and broken on the outside because this is how I feel on the inside. I wonder how long I'll be able to keep this up. I'm learning how to be two faced so well now....I'm afraid I won't be able to be one person again. I'm afraid of being forced to keep on a brave face because I have people that depend on me. I don't want to fail them....I came close enough to failing them. I feel like saying, "This isn't fair!", but I know I can't. It would be immature or the naive thing to say because we all know life isn't fair. I still really want to say it though. I want to shout it from a rooftop or to David's face....or maybe to my therapist. She told me it wouldn't be the best idea to tell David how I feel right now b/c "We don't want him to become suicidal again."  It's not fair.

It's not fair.
                   It's not fair.                       
                                                                                                                 It's not fair.




IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!

And I still feel like an idiot for saying it. I need something....I need....just not sure what.



 
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time 

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

woah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without 

I just need you now

I just need you now (wait)

Ooo, baby, I need you now

6 comments:

  1. yeah, I know exactly how you feel. When the crap hit the fan in our house I couldn't speak the truth of how I felt because my husband had ptsd. We would sit in counseling, not talking about our relationship or my feelings because it would have been too much for him. It feels unfair when for years you sit and are quiet, and then he does something and you are stuck holding the bag...again!
    Pray for acceptance and peace. Trust me, if you listen to God you will come out of this twice as strong as you went in.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Chris for the encouragement and it's good to know I'm not crazy for feeling this way. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Not crazy -
    Just in touch with what is really going on...
    so deep inside it feels "uncharted" -
    like a Brave New World
    that isn't always "puppies and kitties."
    Not trying to give advice here,
    but it helps to forgive ourselves!
    Then one day the sun peeps out again!
    Really, it does.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I haven't thought about it in the way you put it Anne--A Brave New World. That's a really interesting perspective. I guess I've just seen this situation as just being a reality of how cruel life can be, but maybe this situation is just broadening my horizons of understanding. I really like this. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I hear and feel your frustration. I hope things get better soon!

    ReplyDelete