Sometimes our hearts are like valves. They can only take so much pressure before needing a release, but you don't want to keep the valve open for too long or everything around you will become flooded and you'll drown in your own emotions. I was drowning. I had to turn off my "heart" valve for a little while so I could stop floundering in this mess that is my life.
I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't cried. I haven't lashed out on David. I've kept it together. I had to, just so I could give attention to the things that needed giving attention to. My kids needed a full time mommy....not just a shell of one. I think back on the first few weeks after "the hurt" happened and wish I could have been a better mommy. I was depressed....so depressed. I couldn't sleep, couldn't function. I couldn't reign in my emotions; there was either anger or sobbing or numbness. There was no in between. Fortunately, I had a good support network during this time.
My emotions.....and probably lack of sleep caused me to do a few stupid things. I may have found out David wasn't home at his dad's and called my brother to get him to come over so I could go look for David.....in the middle of the night...a couple of times. Then, I may have went searching in the bad part of town for the prostitute he was with so I could ask her if his story was true, because...you have to admit...David's story sounded kind of Bill Clinton-ish; "I did not have relations with that girl", only David's version was,"I only paid her 20 dollars to get a "small" favor." (Again, not that it matters what he did, b/c cheating is cheating, but I digress....I was not well.) Well, since I was driving in the bad part of town, and since I'm really good at finding out info, and since that info led me to the boyfriend of the hooker my husband was with, and since I was talking to said boyfriend on the side of the road....a cop may have stopped to search my car because I was talking to this bad guy. Yep...never had that happen before. I was so stunned that I may have turned right at a "no turn on red" and the same cop that searched my car came after me again and wrote me a ticket for $186 dollars for an "improper turn", even though I had nothing on my record and even though I was nice enough to let him do a search. Meany. (In actuality, I think he was just trying to scare me away from ever coming to that part of town again....I was very out of place there, but still, $186 seriously??.)
Fortunately, the DA dismissed my ticket totally (even he recognized it was dumb). Also, I did find out a little info from the hooker's boyfriend. Her street name was Twister....hmmm. I admit, I was all kinds of stupid. Love makes people dumb and lack of sleep can certainly do it too. At one point I had only 2 hours of sleep within a 50 hour stretch. I learned my lesson needless to say. Of course, this all happened just a few weeks after "the hurt" happened. I am back to a good frame of mind these days, so it's a little embarrassing to think back at those few weeks. Ehh, oh well...c'est la vie.
Then David became suicidal and you guys already know about that. Then, the cancer scare. Then our vehicles have literally taken turns every week being in the shop. I'm not even in a position where I could divorce if I tried. It takes 750 dollars to file for separation! Just separation.
The big issue was David. God...I think the hardest thing through all of this has been the amount of love I have for him. No one can tell me how to stop loving him or how to turn off my heart for him. So, I did what I do best and helped him. He's actually doing better now. As soon as he was able to admit to me what he was going to do and then I told him he couldn't do it, he was willing to hear the game plan I had in mind for him. I do realize, I really wasn't in the mental shape to help him nor did I have to, but someone had to be the one to put their big girl pants on for the sake of our kids. So, not only was he willing to hear the game plan, he has done everything necessary to begin digging himself out of his self-dug hole. He went on antidepressants which have helped tremendously (like I knew they would), he's in therapy (I am too), he got his STD test, and he bought a cellphone. He calls me all the time to let me know where he's at or when he's going to be late. I haven't had to check up on him hardly at all. I've let him know that we are still technically separated and I've told him I don't know where we're going from here. I want to believe he can change, but I am trying to stay real about all of this. That's been hard. We've pretty much been super nice to each other so we can keep our problems in therapy. It's created a false sense of security and I have to keep reminding myself of it because I do not know how I feel right now.
After everything that has happened, I feel so differently about the world. I do not cling to ideas of justice and life making sense. I do not cling to the idea of a soul mate. I understand that life is truly an everyday struggle and you don't always get back what you put into it like the cliche says. Bad things do happen to good people and karma is a bitch (also cliches).....my eyes are open now. Things are not always gumdrops and lollipops and I now know why the chicken crossed the road....b/c he was running away from his wife.(Yes I know this one wasn't a cliche, but I was on a roll. Oh, and David was the chicken btw.) All is not lost though. I do sincerely believe I'm not alone. It would have been easy for me to say I felt alone during this time just because I felt so miserable, but truthfully, a girl couldn't have asked for a better support group than what my friends have been to me.
I've got a long road ahead of me and I do not know where it is leading. I do know I won't be caught with my pants down (also...a cliche) next time (or his pants down rather). I am working towards the goal of getting back into school so I have something to fall back on. I have felt so helpless throughout this whole ordeal thinking about what kind of impoverished life my kids and I would live if we had to lean on my lack of skills. This has been a good lesson of sorts....a sucky lesson, but needed one in some respects.
I do not know how often I'll be blogging. My therapist has encouraged me to continue with my blogging to sort out my feelings, but it's hard opening the "valve" so I can bleed so much love, energy, anger....so much emotion. It can be quite difficult going back to the pain, but I know it's necessary if I'm ever going to get to a healthy place in my life. I'm taking each day as it comes.
Everyone has the fundamental need to love & be loved. It's learning how to hold onto it that is so complex.---Me