I could sit here and tell you the long list of crazy things that have happened since David cheated on me in August, but right now I just don't have the strength to. Honestly, I just don't want to type it all out b/c all of it is so friggin ridiculous. For those of you that follow me on FB, just know I keep things pretty low key there simply b/c I have lots of family on my FB and I also have some of my husband's family on there as well. So, that's why you won't see any of the stuff I say here, on Facebook.
Well, I have to get a uterine biopsy on Monday. Thanks polycistic ovary syndrome. I had two very long periods 2 weeks apart, so my doc is concerned. It will be a painful procedure and I am dreading it with every fiber of my being.
Oh, and my husband revealed to me a couple weeks ago that he wanted to kill himself....he had been planning it. Oh, and before that.....I thought I might have had gonnorhea b/c of some burning I was having. I had to be the one to get the STD tests first b/c David was too chicken. Fortunately, everything came back normal and I only had a urinary tract infection....but still....it sucked that I even had to question it.
(sigh)So, once again I was put into a position of feeling like I needed to be the strong one, which ended up being ok. David is finally taking all the necessary steps to get better. He's had an STD test,he went to the doc to get on antidepressants, he's scheduled for therapy and is about to purchase a cellphone (so I can keep tabs). These steps are a good start.
As for me, I am on antidepressants as well. I've just had a pretty hard time coping with all of this. It was affecting my day to day activities so I had to do something. I feel pretty much sucked dry right now. I look back at the few good months I had earlier this year and it seems like a dream. I've gained the weight back, still struggling to quit smoking again, and I'm never sure of myself these days. The heaps of confidence I had are gone....I miss it. I went to my first therapy appointment today and she gave me a book to read. It's called After the Affair. I sat in the Wal-Mart parking lot crying while reading it. I cried b/c I identified with the stories told in the book and I cried also, b/c the book validated all the craziness that's been in my head. It actually said I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't experiencing this, so I was kinda relieved....tears of relief. I cried b/c I've been burying my feelings a lot of the time and this book is getting me in touch with those emotions. So, I guess this is a good first step.....trying not to bury my feelings anymore. I guess that's why I haven't blogged here lately.....just couldn't type what I've been feeling. It's been too much.
I let David come back home a few days ago.....but it's not what you think. Unfortunately, his family began poking their nose into our lives...particularly mine...involving MY car repairs. They were talking trash behind my back to the mechanic. They talked trash about how I stay home with my kids while David works so hard. David still hasn't told his dad and bro about his infedelity. They'd probably twist that around too. I knew this would happen. I really liked my inlaws....I knew this whole thing would change their view of me even though it's not my fault. (sigh) They underestimated my rapport with my mechanic. He told me everything. I told David to come home so we could keep our business to ourselves. I needed this to be one less thing on my plate. Also, my son has been very difficult to deal with since David and I were separated....I mean really difficult....I mean...he pooped in my bathroom sink one day. He began laughing at me when I'd discipline him or fuss at him. He'd climb to high places where I couldn't reach him and wouldn't come down...he'd smile at me. I was not doing well with the whole single parenting thing. I was ready to have help again....at least for the time being. David and I are still technically separated even though we're living in the same house. We know there's still the possibility that we won't work out.....although for the first time in a while he seems to be showing me he really does want us back. So, I don't know. I read in this After the Affair that it's very common for the "hurt" one to debase and forfeit basic values to win their partner back. I went through that and to some degree I think I am still doing that b/c I love him and a big part of me wants "us" to work out. I keep the fundamental hope that he will change once and for all. I'm also reading in this book that it's common for the "hurt" one to lose fundamental sense of order and justice in the universe....and that the world will no longer make sense. And the world doesn't really make sense to me anymore...so I'm just going with the flow for the moment...trying to get better. So, that's where I've been....just so ya know. Hope you all are doing well. :)