Yes, a 3 song title this time...it's one of those days. I know my blogs have been very personal here lately. This blog is my diary. What makes this one different is that I get to share it with people and I get feedback from time to time....which is very nice. But even if I don't get feedback...I assure you, the purpose of this blog is still being fullfilled. So I hope I didn't make you guys feel put on the spot. Sorry if I did. For the first couple of weeks after David cheated, I drank a good bit of wine to numb the pain....of course when my children weren't around. A little was enough to dull the pain temporarily. Well, I stopped my one glass a day b/c for one I'm not really a drinker....second, I don't want to be a drinker and third b/c it makes me retain water really bad. I've went back to my occasional "girl's nights". Also, I knew it was time to begin the real grieving process and part of that has been to write out all my feelings. I've written all the hurt and confusing feelings here to help me sort them out....but they're just that...feelings. David is still gone and there's still a very good chance all of this will end in divorce. B/c I still don't see him taking extrordinary measures on his part to change things. He says he's calling the counselor on Monday. He's been working loads of hours...and that i get, but he's living w/ his dad now and he STILL hasn't told his father what he did. He has told one friend...ONE!!! This pisses me off very much. All of it does. He barely calls and yeah, I know we are separated, but I guess I just figured if he wants to do "whatever it takes" to win me back, then maybe there'd be more effing phonecalls. Oh well. I wrote out all the hurt and I needed to admit my flaws so I could try and understand how any of it makes sense. But, I still keep coming back to the same conclusion. Yeah, I'm not perfect, but....I DID NOT PAY ANYBODY $20 TO GET OFF!!!! EVER!! He's the only man I've let touch me in over NINE YEARS!!!!! He's abused me and sucked me dry and yeah, I can see where he might feel I've done some "sucking" of my own, but I still didn't screw anyone!!! Also, I worked on MY issues and he's still at friggin square ONE!!!!So, now I'm in the anger phase and I'm blogging it all out b/c ya know why? After I blogged all the hurt and confusion something strange happened......I mopped my floor. My house is getting closer to being clean! I haven't cried today and it wasn't a bad day although I do admit I still didn't get a whole lot accomplished but I'm getting there....little by little. So, I will continue to blog out all these "feelings" and I promise you it doesn't mean I'm taking back my husband anytime soon....if ever. This is just a place I put the feelings and the words....the words I need to say but can't say to him b/c he's such a friggin ignoramus when it comes to communication.. All I feel like doing right now is punching something, vowing to a life of celebacy, and listening to hate songs and maybe a bit of the Indigo Girls.
On a lighter note, my birthday is next Tuesday. I'm turning the big 3-0. I cried on my last birthday and locked myself in my bedroom over the fact this is my last year in my twenties. I had gotten myself all hyped up about this being a positive birthday and this birthday being the most kickass b-day ever! Then all the crap happened. None of my family has even talked about doing anything for my b-day, so that pisses me off too. However, I have the most awesome friends in the world. My friend Kimber is throwing me a slumber party. We are all meeting at this really great mexican restaurant where we will sit around drinking sangria and most likely will make lots of raunchy jokes....that will send sangria flying through our noses. Then, we'll go window shopping...maybe have coffee...(still haven't given up on finding a karaoke place)...and then we'll go to a hotel where Kimber has reserved us a sweet little room. From there we'll drink pina coladas, dacquiris, cosmos, and wine....and play boardgames....and probably gab more about men problems. It will be FUN!!! I've been so fortunate to be surrounded by a plethora of strong women....women like the Amazon and then you strong women too here on my blog. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through these past few weeks without all of you. All of my blog readers have been super wonderful to me, but I especially want to thank Robin, Chris, and Kimber. You guys have been like big sisters and have especially watched over me here lately and encouraged me even more than usual. And I've never even met two of you! lol Thank you for everything....all of you. I will continue to value all my blog reader's opinions with the highest regard. Thank you so much.
PS-soon I will write my b-day post. Here was last year's: http://windingroad-dalilah.blogspot.com/2009/09/b-day.html
Listen to the music!! You might just love it. ☺☺☺ Then you might just feel like smashing things along with me. lol!
Both of these songs speak a lot of what I'm feeling, but this one puts it perfectly....
And last, but certainly not least......Indigo Girls w/ Closer to Fine. Get up and dance to it in your office or your living room with wild abandon ....b/c that's what I'm going to do. If I wish it, I can be it....you can too.