I'm writing this letter to you and most likely won't show it to you b/c it's more for me than it is for you. I'm having trouble working out my feelings and thoughts right now so I'm just writing it all out. I come to this blog to vent a lot...which you know...and you know I vent about you. You've seemed ok w/ this, but I feel the need to express the good things about you now...things I haven't written on this blog. I've spent a lot of time painting you out to be an ass...and frankly my dear, you have been on many occasions. However, there's other times when you've shined throughout our marriage.
When we were dating we'd talk on the phone a lot.I remember complaining to you one night that my roomate's daughter had broken my baby monitor, so I had to sit by the stairs to listen out for her. Then I wished I had an alarm clock for downstairs so I wouldn't wake Laurel by going into our room. The next day you showed up at my work with both in a gift bag. It was a surprise...you drove an hour to give me these things. You saw me for a total of 5min. and told me the drive was worth the kiss. Other days you'd come to eat lunch w/ me. I'd watch you across the street at the mall. You'd go in and buy our lunch, pick me up and take me to the mall parking lot where we'd eat...then spend the rest of the time making out. You'd travel an hour just to be with me for a little while.
One time while we were dating, Laurel and I were at your house. You and I were talking and we noticed Laurel was leaving a trail of diarrhea behind her as she walked around in the kitchen. You grabbed her, wrapped her in a towel, gave her to me and told me to take care of her. She began puking and crying. You, cleaned up every bit of the mess, didn't wince even once, and still helped me take care of her when you were done cleaning up the mess. I thought to myself that day, "I'm going to marry this man."
I remember our first dance. I made you park off on a side road and we danced to "The Flame" by Cheap Trick...in the middle of the street. That night we made love and you told me you'd die for me.
You were always offering to pay bills of mine just b/c you wanted to help. I wouldn't let you, but you wormed your way in by at least paying for Laurel's diapers. You'd always buy them and bring them to me. You'd sit on my front porch with your arm around me while sitting on the porch swing. You could only stay for about 15min. but you always seemed so satisfied with our little visits.
When I told you what I wanted for the future....homeschooling my kids, growing gardens, making a family...you got quiet. I asked you why and you said "B/c of the way you're talking. It sounds so good and it's what I want too."
You always listen when it comes to gifts. You might not listen to much else, but you always seem to hear me when I'm ranting about something I'd like to have. Heck, one time when we were dating I talked about how much I loved the He-man and Shera movie when i was little. What did you do? You went and bought me Heman the movie for Valentine's Day. lol I didn't really like the gift but I loved your thoughtfulness. Since then, you've always bought me very nice gifts.
Then there was the beginning of our marriage when I was constantly crying over everything my dad would do to hurt me. You witnessed him in action on one occasion. You got us into the car, jumped back out and told my father he was never to talk to me in that way or humiliate me that way again. He told you,"But she's MY daughter" and you said, "But she's MY WIFE!!". You told me I couldn't talk to him until he apologized to me. He and I didn't talk for a year and it was hard....but eventually he did apologize in his own way. You were the first person to help me set boundaries for myself. Ironically enough, you've also been the one that has stomped all over my boundaries time and time again. But anyway, we're only talking about the good memories here.
My dad was always making me promises. "Kim, if you lose weight I'll take you shopping" or "Kim, if you lose all the weight, I'll let you go to the spa!". I was feeling down on myself for being at a huge plateau after losing 80lbs. and was crying. I told you I never got to do the things my dad promised b/c I always fail so therefore I was perpetually in a state of never letting myself have things b/c I never measured up in my eyes. The next day, you went to work and called around Charlotte. You made me an appointment with a spa...for the whole day...a $350 package! I got massaged, facialed, make-up, haircut and syle, and lunched. THEN, you sent me to the really nice mall to buy a new outfit and shoes. I came home a new woman and felt so loved that day b/c you taught me that it was ok to give myself things. You walked circles around me after I got home, eyeing me like a wolf....it made me giggle.
Back in 2006 my grandaddy got really sick due to complications of his cancer being in remission. I had to stay in the hospital w/ him to take care of him. I was the only one in my family who would do it and could make time to do it. You were a great sport about it. I came home one time in between rounds to surprise you for your birthday. You drove up just a minute after I did. You were so happy to see me...we ran to eachother. You said, "Well howdy stranger....I missed you." We kissed and kissed, left the luggage in the driveway and went into the house. We made our son that morning. You and I went out to dinner that night, you drove back with me to the hospital (1hr.and 1/2 away) to spend the night w/ me in my grandaddy's hospital room. The next morning you went home and I stayed. Over the days I knew something wasn't right and I began taking pregnancy tests. Eventually I got my positive I was looking for. I came home on Father's Day to show you. You didn't believe me at first and you were shocked when I did another test and it said "pregnant". I wasn't thrilled w/ how you acted that day, but you were still there for me when we got the news. My grandaddy was dieing and they couldn't help him. I started bleeding. I panicked and you calmed me down. Fortunately the doctors found out I had PCOS and gave me the drugs I needed, but you still kept reminding me to try and stay calm so I wouldn't miscarry. Grandaddy died and you never let go of me unless I asked you to. You kept your arms around me the whole time b/c you knew what it was like to lose your mom. I don't like crying in front of people and you knew this. So we stayed on the sofa at the funeral parlor so I could bury my face behind your shoulder. You put your hand around my head so no one would see my tears and you held me tight. You constantly asked me if I was all right.
One night we went on a date when I was pregnant. I was probably about 5-6 months along and really showing. You stopped when we got to the restaurant door and just looked at me. I asked, "What?" You said,"You just look beautiful this way." My heart melted and I smiled.
I called you from the hospital to let you know the doctor decided to go ahead and do my C-section. I asked you if you were ready to meet our son today. I could hear you smile over the phone. You said,"I'll be there very soon!". I think it only took you 30min. to pack my suitcase and yours, get Laurel dressed (in clothes that were not weather appropriate and too small, but dressed nonetheless lol), and drive to the hospital. You were very fast.
You weren't crazy about the idea of being in the operating room when Enoch was born, but once you got in there, you were calm and cool. You held my hand the whole time and stared into my eyes. We both laughed and cried when we saw our boy for the first time. You let the chatty doctors know I was feeling pain b/c they wouldn't stop talking long enough to hear me. You yelled at them actually..."Heeelllo! She's in pain!". They sewed me up speedy quick. You told them we would not be getting our son circumcised b/c you didn't want to hurt the little guy.
You were a natural father. You didn't squirm at all when it came time to hold our son. You carried him like a football as a matter of fact. You took a picture of your hand (with your wedding ring on...I noticed) beside him to show how small he was. It's still one of my most favorite pictures.
I asked you if it was any different having your own child versus being a dad to Laurel. You said it didn't feel different at all and you said Laurel is just as much yours as Enoch is. My heart smiled at you.
During our adventures known as homeschooling, I've been prone to at least one meltdown a year. While my other friends' husbands are begging them to put their kids in school, you were calming me down and telling me that I'm a good teacher. You've always been my rock when it comes to the homeschooling thing...you never let me doubt myself once in this. I wish that could have overflowed to all the other areas in our marriage.
There's other good things....good, honest, wholesome things that we've lived together. That is why all of this is a confusing mess. You've abused me in every way, chose to blow up our marriage with a 20 dollar hooker named Twister, yet I still find myself loving you....loving you eternally. So heartsick. It's easy for people to say I should leave you, but it's very different being the one doing the leaving. It's hard b/c I've experienced things with you that I'll never experience with another person on this earth. We are soul connected...connected by blood...by death...by birth...by love. You cut me off. What am I supposed to do with this? I can't let you hurt me anymore....not like this, but are you capable of change like you told me? Statistics say no, my mind says no, but my heart will forever ask. Do you love me enough to change forever? Can you change? Can you really change my love? If you can't change for me, can you for them...our babies? Every action in the past few months has screamed "I don't love you", yet you still tell me you love me a lot. I don't know what to believe anymore. I do know I still love you....always will.
Lyrics to "Song to the Siren" by This Mortal Coil
On the floating, shapeless oceans
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.
And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;
Let me enfold you."
Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?
Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken love lost on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?
Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."