True Colors

I've had a lot of time to think....more time than usual. David gets the kids while he's off work and I'm left by my lonesome. Just me...and my brain...and in that brain, my thoughts, my horrible analytical, self loathing thoughts...with a lot of time for self reflection.
  If you met me in person, one thing you'd learn is that I'm ok with admitting my flaws. I'm also a positive person most of the time, but I am a complainer by nature. I call it ventalating....but, I usually see a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter what the circumstances may be. Also, I'm a great listener. I talk...a LOT, but as much as you'll hear about my story, I'll leave plenty of time for you to tell me yours. I'm just not good at using few words...I love words...so I use a lot of them.  I'm also a logical person, so I give great advice...most of the time. So, I think people appreciate that about me. Also, I love my kids...love them more than anything. On any day I'd rather be out with them doing fun things, learning together. I admit, it's been a little harder since my son has been right smack dab in the middle of a long wild phase. He's very fast and hasn't developed his best listening skills yet. So, depending on the activity, we might stay in.  I'm a very good cook. It runs in my family. I know people say that is a learned thing, but in my family...it's like an art. We love food and it loves us, so that is one thing I've had going for me in my marriage. Guys like women who can cook. Also, I love cooking for other people. In my old homeschool group, I used to organize meals for families that needed them. If someone dies, has a baby, or is sick....that is my service...I cook. I have lots of ideas....lots of philosophies on life, religion, and politics. I've shared a lot of that on my old blog, but the gist of it is I'm a centrist. I always see both sides to every story...and sometimes it's like a plague to me b/c I'm always handing out mercy and forgiveness....which is a good thing, but I also don't set clear boundaries for how to give out those things. Basically when I give mercy and forgiveness, I'll give you my heart too...let you stomp all over it, leave me begging for more hurt, and then get my heart stomped all over again...and again. And it's all b/c I do not think I'm that great. Sure, everyone has good qualities, but in a nutshell I guess b/c I know my flaws, it's easy for me to see how someone could hurt me so badly. So, then I forgive and try to forget....and then I do forget mostly. I have a lot of past sins....a lot. Certain people gave me 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th chances b/c they saw hope in me. I'm thankful they didn't give up b/c I'm a better person today than when I was a lot younger. Sometimes, it's takes a whole lot of screwing up to be refined....refined into a better individual. I still have a lot of refining to go. I see that. I know it. I use this blog to record lifestyle changes, but also it is a place I can vent and confess things that bother me. I don't think I've used it enough to self reflect. You guys get only part of the story when I vent b/c it's just for that....venting. But now, I feel like I need to spring clean myself. What David did left me feeling dirty....and tarnished. B/c automatically I begin wondering where I went wrong and stuff comes up. Stuff comes up and I'm left with the emotions of wanting to go back in time to change things just so I can be left totally blameless. Of course, that can never be. So, here is my "stuff".
   Many years ago, towards the beginning of mine and David's marriage, I came close to cheating. He used sex as a weapon....always has in retrospect (especially recently) and he used it very much in the beginning of our marriage. He didn't want to talk, or spend time with me, and he really didn't want sex much at all. He'd act like it was a chore a lot of time....unless we were making up from an argument. Also, at this point he had physically abused a couple of times. I was very lonely and took to the chatrooms a lot. I flirted....a lot. When faced with the actual opportunity to physically cheat though, I was so spooked I ran from it...full force...and have never looked back. Faithful as a puppydog since then. I watched the movie Fireproof one night in the theater, came home, and told David about my flirtations earlier in our marriage. That was also years ago. He didn't even sweat it....which was the strange thing. He told me all was forgiven b/c both of us had been pretty bad in the beginning of our marriage and then he tagged on a "Besides, you weren't with anyone physically. That, I'd have a real hard time with." We had already been experiencing a good bit of happiness in our marriage and that honesty booted us more. He didn't throw anything up to me for a long time. I made sure to let him have my passwords, I never erased my history, and would always tell him who I was talking to on FB. He never really acted like he cared, but I felt it was important to let him know anyway. So several months ago when i found out he was suspicious of me, I was angry with him b/c he didn't see what was right in front of him. He had full access to everywhere I'd been online, but still chose to copy things from my Spam folder (like Eharmony, Hotlatino Singles, ya know, run of the mill spam) to suggest why I all of the sudden I had started really fixing myself up and taking care of myself. Then he began with, "Well you've done more than me." all the time. Although, during these times I had suspicions of my own regarding why he all of the sudden became obsessed. One time I asked him why he wouldn't tell me intimate things. His reply was "I don't think I have to share all my secrets with you." That was probably a red flag, but I let it go since I had no substantial evidence and he promised over and over he had done nothing. So, now I wonder if I got what was coming to me.
   While I was so sick these past several months, I was very depressed. I complained a lot...well, obviously b/c I was in so much pain, but I think it sent David over the edge. He said it took the wind out of his sails. When I was having a "woe is me" moment one night I said, "I was doing so well, I was losing weight, stopped smoking, exercising and eating healthy. Why did this have to happen??" David said with a look of disdain on his face, "Well, you weren't doing THAT well. You still didn't have a routine. What'd you expect Kim? You didn't think that years of being unhealthy weren't going to sneak up on you?" I was angry w/ him for telling me I didn't do THAT well b/c I felt like I had done very well. Back when i lost 80lbs. he told me he couldn't even hardly tell I had lost weight since he sees me everyday. Those things he said....I let them affect me....too much. I lost sight of my goals and blamed it on him. While he did make me feel bad about myself, I am responsible for my feelings and actions. I blame him too much. I shouldn't have complained the way I did...and he has admitted to bringing me down. He knows it and asked for forgiveness. I still held it up to him.
   Also, in the past year I haven't been the best housekeeper. For the first few months, I was out living life....losing weight, feeling great, exercising, out and about with my babies...enjoying life. I should have thought about my responsibilities more. David works hard and likes to come home to a clean home. I should have taken more initiative. I still took care of him in many ways, don't get me wrong, but I'm always more likely to clean up the house before company comes over than just for him. That's wrong of me. Well, then I got sick. The first month I only went out if I took lots of painkillers and when i went out...I basically would just go sit in another place. I couldn't bend or move my head around much at all. David makes the argument that I was well enough to go out but not well enough to do things at the house. I still argue w/ him on this one b/c I stopped going all places after the first month and a half. The first few weeks I stayed home and cried on the sofa. I started trying to get out to keep my sanity and for my children's sakes too. My doc told me to stop taking Ibuprofen and the migraine meds hardly worked, so I was pretty much in horrible pain and slept when i could. Still, I should've asked for outside help...and I didn't. Well, I did ask my mom one time but she told me to get David to help. And yes, he should've helped more than what he did. He cleaned one time out of the 3 months I was sick, but still, I should've tried to get help from the outside. Those few months were HELL and I truly did need help and he needed a wife...but he felt neglected. I should have been a bit more sensative to that.
  In all of this, I keep asking myself....did I get what I deserved? I haven't been the best wife. Do we deserve eachother? After 3 months of sickness and then this....I'm finding it hard to get back into the groove of things...at all. I feel useless....more useless than before. I feel like I'm not really good at anything. So then that leads me to think, "Kim, why have you had bad endings to all your relationships?" Then I think, "Maybe it's b/c you don't have a lot to offer." I have no special talents, no specialties, and I'm horrible at trudging through. And in life there are lots of times people have to trudge through...and I'm not doing that. What does that say about me? If we were back in the Depression era right now, my family would have starved and we'd have no home probably. Thank God we don't live in those times, but still....people back then worked well even in the midst of life crisis...and I'm having trouble just getting my stupid home clean. What does this say about my character? (sigh) I feel so awful right now. I feel like there's no hope in sight and I feel very unloved. I'm not sure I'll recover from all of this and I'm unsure that I'll ever be able to love another again. So many relationships....all of them ending very badly. Hell, the last one left a week before my daughter was born. (sigh)
Have I done a lot of this to myself? Is the universe giving me my return for all the stupidities I've made over the years? Does all the bad cancel out the good?