9 Crimes

 David and I have had problems off and on for a while now. In fact, it was one of the reasons I began blogging...another reason was my fading faith. If you ever want to get to know me better go look back at the archives in my first blog called Winding Road . A few of my followers have been with me since the near beginning of my other blog. At that point, I wasn't sharing anything with anyone about what I was going through. I was more of a suffer in silence type of person. I was taught to speak blessings on my husband...keep private things private...and submit myself in every way to my marriage...to the life I was trying to keep up. Some of it I believe in. I do think in marriage, both people should be willing to submit to one another....not just a woman submitting to her husband's "authority" in exchange for love which I think is the way my husband interpreted the scriptures for years. The thing is, I was submitting but he was growing apart from me slowly....taking away his heart and the intimacy I needed most. Then my returning gesture was to try to push....push him into giving himself to me again w/o understanding why he was taking himself from me in the first place.
   Well, first was the making rude comments about my weight during arguments. Then he'd hardly communicate with me and started withholding physical love from me. Then there was the racism issue when my brother began dating a girl from Korea. Then there was me coming to the realization that David is mostly likely sick w/ Huntington's, trying to talk w/ him about it, and him totally shutting me down when I just wanted to let him know what was going on inside of me and I wanted to know what he was thinking too. Then I started losing weight and looking good. He sabotaged me....again....it was not a first time thing. Then he complained about me not taking care of the house the way I needed to while I've been very ill even though I explained to him I was conserving what little time I had feeling good to do things with my kids. Last week he came to me and apologized for not communicating and told me he would try to get better at it. I told him it wasn't enough. I told him the racism thing and him toying w/ my self esteem when I was feeling good was enough for me to still consider ending things. He admitted he knows the things he says to me toys w/ my self esteem....I'm going to have to explore the "whys" to that more with him. When we got on the subject of racism again, he told me he was done. He told me he didn't want to hear me criticize him anymore. I laughed and told him he criticizes me far more without the added benefit of lifting me up....rarely ever. I added the fact I am constantly lifting him up all the time. I cried. I asked him if losing his family is worth holding onto his outdated and wrong beliefs. I asked him if he wants our children to be robots. He told me, "Kim, I have black friends, I just don't believe in mixing." (rolled my eyes) I asked him what he thinks about our biracial daughter and he told me "She's my little girl." I basically asked him if he wants our little girl to grow up thinking there's something wrong w/ her due to his beliefs. He couldn't say much to that. I spoke against this racist preacher he used to listen to and he told me the reason I'm sick right now is probably b/c I've been cursed for speaking against a man of God. I told him the reason I'm sick is b/c of germs, or bad posture, or something the docs haven't figured out yet....NOT b/c of God and I added that his preacher is no man of GOD. Then I asked him how he intends to tell our biracial daughter she can only date one kind of person. He didn't answer at the time. I asked him if he'd be able to handle not seeing me or the kids as often. He said if it meant never having to hear criticism against his beliefs and if it meant not having to argue then he was ready. So I cried more and we held eachother. He told me I could take my time getting things together.We talked a little more over the next couple of days until he had some time off. We put the children to bed. We went outside that night on the back porch with folding chairs and citronella candles. We talked in the darkness. I told him my views. I explained to him how I know there are things my parents taught me that weren't right and I won't pass those things on to my children. I explained how we should be building a moral foundation for our children and letting them grow into the people they are supposed to be without filling them up....letting them form their own thoughts on things. Then he asked, "Well, what if one of them turns out to be gay?" I told him, "It's our job to love our kids. We should be there for our kids through everything in life. We're the ones they'll turn to if they ever need advice or help if we love them the right way. Disowning a child only makes them hate their parents and does nothing to help them."  Then I told him how I was rejected when I was a pregnant teen. I told him how I lost all my friends at church and about how my dad had disowned me right before I got pregnant. Even though he knew this stuff already, I think it finally got through to him that the reason I had so many problems was b/c of my parents trying to make me into something I wasn't....not letting me grow naturally and not loving me to the fullest. I told him we should let our children develop their own views on things....he finally compromised...after all this time. When it comes to my babies I won't just settle, he has to show me he'll stick w/ this promise and not sabotage it down the road.
   We moved onto the subject of him supporting me. I've tried and lost weight many times through out our marriage. He was constantly making comments about my body and my weight. I told him if he had focused more of that negative energy into being positive, that it would have been more helpful. I also reiterated my displeasure with him spying on me via my email account. I explained to him it made me so mad not b/c he spied but b/c he thought he needed to. He has my passwords, I never erase my history. He could have looked at almost anything he wanted to regarding my computer activities and never thought once about the fact I left myself open for him and he never once inquired verbally his concerns when a huge part of our problem is his inability to commuicate with me!! I had already told him why I was dressing up more, why I was feeling good, and why I was snapping at him. I told him it's b/c I was taking good care of myself and realized I'd been taking a lot of crap from him. I told him he didn't need to look at my spam folder to find that out b/c I had already communicated to him. (Btw, I changed my passwords after this happened...I was just so darn mad..I think this might encourage him to communicate more though rather than poking in my spam folder...no clue why he went to my spam folder--key word--spam..lol)  Yet, even though I told him the reasons behind the changes he still didn't trust me....even though I left my life as open as I could.That hurt. He told me he didn't believe that I was actually reading books in my car when I went out, and if he'd have spied in the right places like my blog he'd clearly see that I wasn't lieing. lol. Not to mention I call him sometimes just to see how he's doing when I am reading my books in a parking lot somewhere. He could easily come check on me if he wanted to.  I told him how much I'm attracted to him...only him. As a matter of fact, I'm always trying to seduce him and he's turned me down on many occasions. I said to him, "Do you know how many men are just begging their wives to have sex w/ them right now and you have a wife who is ready to do anything you want??" He got quiet on this one at first. I told him I realize he's tired and getting older, but we've only been married for 8yrs. now and he's gotta get in shape w/ me so we can act like a couple who's only been married for 8yrs. He apologized and told me he realises he's taken me for granted. Oh, and just in case you're wondering...I was a big girl when he married me so he can't blame it on not being attracted to me.. He's told me many times it's b/c of being tired and being old.
     Anyway, I explained to him how complaining about all the homemade, homecooked healthy food is not a good way to support me and telling me you don't want to go outside of the house to live life with me is not a good way to support me and it's certainly not good for our family. He agreed. This lead into talking about our whole non-conversation about Huntington's. I told him I didn't understand why he was so mean when I tried talking w/ him about it. He told me he didn't realize he had been. I told him he did good towards the end of the conversation but totally tried to alienate me in the beginning of it. I explained to him I can't imagine how difficult this whole thing is, but we've gotta stick together....especially if I'm going to take care of him when he gets sick. I told him it'd help too if he'd try to eat healthier and take Omega 3's. It might keep the Huntington's from coming so soon. He agreed. I reiterated that we only have so many years together and only so long to make memories together and w/ our children.
  When we had fought previously a few days before our long conversation, when he said that he was ready for it to be over too, he also told me he doesn't love me the same way he used to. He told me he doesn't love me very romantically anymore. It hurt badly b/c I've never stopped loving him in any way although I was ready to leave if need be to show him how serious I am about change in our marriage. Angry? Yes, I was and still am a little angry. So done being a door mat. So sick of putting my heart out there when he kept taking himself from me more everyday and so sick of trying to keep things up when his views could potentially destroy our children and our family. Yet, I was scared....so scared of what would happen if I just left. I was scared to think about having to live w/ one of my parents, scared of being away from my children, scared of not doing well enough in the outside world. I realise fear paralyzes me and I need to change this. For now, David has given me reason to hope. I hope he was being authentic when making me promises. We shall see. What I find so funny now is the fact he told me he doesn't love me romantically, but as soon as he began opening up....communicating with me....being intimate w/ me....he was all over me afterward...for the next 2 days. I think maybe he does love me romantically but maybe he had covered it up....covered it up with all the things he needed to get out. I also think he's conflicted inside about many things...I think he needs me as an anchor more than he knows....maybe as a teacher as well.  I surely hope this is what it is. I am being a little skeptical about things right now b/c I truly want to believe he wants change...I want to believe I'm making the right decision. For right now, I'm putting all of this away and getting back to focusing on all the other things: weight loss, getting ready for our new school year, getting my health back, getting my house in order. Also, I am thinking about going back to school next year...another thing I discussed w/ him. So, lots of things in the works right now.
   Thank you to all of you that have stuck around. Thank you to those of you that have kept me on your blog roll. lol. Thank you to all of you who didn't delete me. I lost like 4-5 people through this thing...which is fine...I ended up gaining a few newbies. Welcome by the way. ☺ I began blogging for myself like most of us did. There are some people appalled by my willingness to open up about these hard subjects, but what you guys haven't seen in the past is the messages I get from other housewives that are dealing with some of the same issues. I get thank yous and stories and encouragement b/c there are women out there who want to be heard, who want people to know there are women still living in very old school controlling marriages...ones in which they feel less than. If they get something out of it, then that is a plus. If I get to release all this negativity out into the universe and my children reap the benefit of having a happy mommy....then I'm ok with this. I don't know if it's wrong or right to put things out into blogosphere concerning other people, but what I do know is that I was falling....falling hard b/c I had no one to be honest with. It seems like people would want honesty. I try to live that everyday in the best way I can. Sometimes honesty isn't pretty....life is not always pretty. I understand the need for positivity, staying positive, being positive, bringing positivity back....whatever...you get what I'm sayin, but sometimes shit happens and it's bad. Shit happens and people in real life don't want to hear about it or ya feel like you don't want them to hear about it. And sometimes it IS appropriate to fester when shit happens....grief is ok and natural. Of course, it's not something we want to do our entire lives, but there is something healthy about being sad sometimes. Also, I know people were questioning my sanity when I began talking about leaving my husband, but sometimes we have to demand more even if it means the breaking of something. My children and I deserve a chance at a normal, healthy life. So, here....in the blogosphere I can be me....raw, beasty, bitchy, whiny, dumb, raunchy, intelligent, feisty, lovely, positive, beautiful, amazing, creative, successful....anything under the sun. I'm not here blogging to get more followers although I do admit I'd really like to do a giveaway sometime in the near future, but I've been conflicted b/c I want it to be only for people who have been here already. So, not really sure what to do with that...but anyhoo.  Of course, I admit....I love it when I get new followers and I'm sad when they leave too, but I am what I am and that is ok. I like knowing that someone is joining b/c they can relate to something I said, or they want to support or be supported....not b/c I'm trying to hit a number. Not to say that won't change in the future, but I like it this way now.
 Oh, and PS-- I wasn't speaking against Christian men in my last big post. I was simply saying my mother taught me to look for that quality in a man and not much of anything else. So, sorry if I didn't word that right.

Thank you to certain people...I think you know who you all are. You're the ones who've been encouraging me, being honest with me, making me laugh, lavishing love and support on me even though you've never met me, introducing me to new blogs simply b/c you were reminded of my situation when reading something. Thank you to my real life friends who listened to me cussing on the phone or on facebook. Sorry if I annoyed the heck out of you. Thanks Kimber for the coffee and girl time. Robin, thank you for all the Here's to You Thursdays. You kept me laughing and even in tears. The song attached w/ this blog is one Robin picked out for my situation....it fit perfectly. Thanks.