Because of You

I had a Kelly Clarkson moment with my mom tonight....finally. Whoa. My mom started leaving me facebook messages after she told me I'm self absorbed. I think she felt bad for what she said...actually I know it now after tonight. I found out my dad called her up to basically tell her not to encourage me to divorce my husband. He made her feel guilty....thus the facebook messages began. She'd leave a message saying she wants to spend time w/ me or she'd comment on something my kids did. All of the sudden she became "present". Of course, me being me....and not so good at hiding my feelings decided to ignore most of her FB postings. I admit, I was such a baby. I should have just said what I wanted to say to her.....b/c I had time to let it all build. When I found out what my dad did , it kinda sent me over the edge knowing she felt guilty b/c of what he said and not guilty b/c of the things she said to me and for not being present in my life....I know...a little whiny. I pretty much said everything in Because of You and more. She made me her best friend while I was growing up....telling me things no kid should know about their parents marriage. I remember finding her in the bathroom crying and then she talked about wanting to die. I was in 10th grade....and afraid my mom would kill herself. She told me she couldn't spend time with me b/c of my dad. I believed her. Then after the divorce, she just wasn't there much at all anymore. I approached her a few times, but she defended herself and even pinned some of the blame on me. This time I didn't let her. I made her cry. I cried a little too. She finally admitted what I've known all along. She admitted she couldn't be a present mom b/c her mom wasn't present....she admitted she didn't have it to give. She blew up at me too. She told me she never would have told her mom all this bad stuff. I told her, "Then how did she ever know? Even if she couldn't change, at least she would know that she hurt you and she wouldn't be in the dark about it." I told her sometimes you just have to let it rip and get stuff off your chest. I told her yeah, I know it hurts, but sometimes people NEED to know how they've hurt another person. She needed to know. I needed her to know. I'm so tired of  hearing about how to let things go. I did a WHOLE lot of that and it does come back....eventually. It's different when you know a person isn't capable of learning, but this wasn't the case with my mom. I've seen her learn....I've seen her evolve. Politeness is nice, but telling the truth...being honest with yourself and others can go a long way. A deep root of bitterness or unresolved feelings never leads to growth or maturity. Sure, sometimes it's good to be the bigger person, but if you have the option b/t being the bigger person or being on the same footing in a healthy relationship...wouldn't you want that? I want my relationships to reach the best of their potential.
  I apologized for not being great with words and apologized for not telling her enough of the good things she did when we were growing up. She was a good mom when we were little....she was...and she needed to know. So, I told her....and I also told her it's not too late to change things now. I told her I still need her and my kids do too. I told her she doesn't have to fill the "void" with a man. I think she listened....I think.
   I think I finally got everything out on the table. She and I talked for a little longer and agreed to a mom and daughter date sometime soon. It'll be good.
   I think I'm ready to start things back up. I did what I needed to do. We're going out of town for the weekend for our anniversary to Gatlinburg TN. David wanted to surprise me. I think it's sweet. ☺I just hope I can enjoy myself....I'm feeling pretty rough right now...lots of inflammation. Urgh.  Monday will be my day.....I'm ready.