Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Because of You

I had a Kelly Clarkson moment with my mom tonight....finally. Whoa. My mom started leaving me facebook messages after she told me I'm self absorbed. I think she felt bad for what she said...actually I know it now after tonight. I found out my dad called her up to basically tell her not to encourage me to divorce my husband. He made her feel guilty....thus the facebook messages began. She'd leave a message saying she wants to spend time w/ me or she'd comment on something my kids did. All of the sudden she became "present". Of course, me being me....and not so good at hiding my feelings decided to ignore most of her FB postings. I admit, I was such a baby. I should have just said what I wanted to say to her.....b/c I had time to let it all build. When I found out what my dad did , it kinda sent me over the edge knowing she felt guilty b/c of what he said and not guilty b/c of the things she said to me and for not being present in my life....I know...a little whiny. I pretty much said everything in Because of You and more. She made me her best friend while I was growing up....telling me things no kid should know about their parents marriage. I remember finding her in the bathroom crying and then she talked about wanting to die. I was in 10th grade....and afraid my mom would kill herself. She told me she couldn't spend time with me b/c of my dad. I believed her. Then after the divorce, she just wasn't there much at all anymore. I approached her a few times, but she defended herself and even pinned some of the blame on me. This time I didn't let her. I made her cry. I cried a little too. She finally admitted what I've known all along. She admitted she couldn't be a present mom b/c her mom wasn't present....she admitted she didn't have it to give. She blew up at me too. She told me she never would have told her mom all this bad stuff. I told her, "Then how did she ever know? Even if she couldn't change, at least she would know that she hurt you and she wouldn't be in the dark about it." I told her sometimes you just have to let it rip and get stuff off your chest. I told her yeah, I know it hurts, but sometimes people NEED to know how they've hurt another person. She needed to know. I needed her to know. I'm so tired of  hearing about how to let things go. I did a WHOLE lot of that and it does come back....eventually. It's different when you know a person isn't capable of learning, but this wasn't the case with my mom. I've seen her learn....I've seen her evolve. Politeness is nice, but telling the truth...being honest with yourself and others can go a long way. A deep root of bitterness or unresolved feelings never leads to growth or maturity. Sure, sometimes it's good to be the bigger person, but if you have the option b/t being the bigger person or being on the same footing in a healthy relationship...wouldn't you want that? I want my relationships to reach the best of their potential.
  I apologized for not being great with words and apologized for not telling her enough of the good things she did when we were growing up. She was a good mom when we were little....she was...and she needed to know. So, I told her....and I also told her it's not too late to change things now. I told her I still need her and my kids do too. I told her she doesn't have to fill the "void" with a man. I think she listened....I think.
   I think I finally got everything out on the table. She and I talked for a little longer and agreed to a mom and daughter date sometime soon. It'll be good.
   I think I'm ready to start things back up. I did what I needed to do. We're going out of town for the weekend for our anniversary to Gatlinburg TN. David wanted to surprise me. I think it's sweet. ☺I just hope I can enjoy myself....I'm feeling pretty rough right now...lots of inflammation. Urgh.  Monday will be my day.....I'm ready.


  1. Yes!
    That is it, taking the bitterness...and tearing it out by the root. It is the best thing to do. bring it up and kill it..not bring it up and bury it. Then decide what to do. That is one more thing (once completely resolved) that will not have a hold on you. It wont be there in the way when you are trying to get healthy because you have RESOLVED IT.
    I am over her doing a happy dance. Great JOB!!!

  2. over here...not That would be a little much.

  3. LOL! Yes it would be a bit much but SUPER funny.
    Thanks Chris. I feel better now. :)

  4. good on you for speaking up. i think people who want to move forward need to do that more often. it's healthy to get things off your chest, but it's also good to give the other person involved a chance to hear you out, and offer their thoughts on the situation. it can be so insightful.

    love a bit of kelly clarkson, too :-)

  5. are absolutely taking charge of your life in so many ways. I think you've now got two great examples of strength and resolve (in addition to becoming a non-smoker) that you can look back on when you feel any moments of weakness in the future. You have it in you.

  6. I am with Chris. Buried stuff just rots and eats at you. Glad you decided to pull it up and confront it. Good for you. Healthy relationships make for a healthier you.

  7. I have a horrible relationship with my mom and she refuses to talk about anything. She's hurt my feelings so badly that we no longer have a relationship....we talk/see each other when we have to and that's it.

    If you's great that you can repair your relationship but don't ever be afraid to say how you feel. We shouldn't keep these things in.

    Have a great weekend!

  8. Thanks guys for all the support. :)

  9. Hi Kim, life can be a roller coaster as well the odd hiccups now and then.
    And it is when we reached our not so tender age of 13, we tell our Mom's...
    "Mom, you don't understand..."....
    But every mom cares and love her 'baby...and then its our turn to hear her say, "you don't understand me'....
    Whatever it is, we all have only one 'mom'. So go where your heart takes you...
    live your life with no excuses, love with no regrets.

    You have a nice day and keep a song in your heart, Lee.

  10. Thank you Uncle Lee. What you say is very true. :)