Where have I been? I've been around....just not on my blog so much. After my last real post, I just started to shut down a bit. The thing is, when I shut down....I basically feel like I've been defeated. I was just so tired of fighting with my husband, I just went back to some of the old behaviors. I mean, I've been sick, really sick...and the fighting just made it 10x worse. So, I just put dieting on hold, stopped fixing myself up and started acting like the old Kim again....the old Kim who will ask David a gazillion times if he's ok. That's been a lot of our marriage recently...me guarding his insecurities...walking on egg shells. (sigh) I'm so tired. I'm so mad....very mad. In the last real post (link earlier in paragraph), I told you guys how I attempted to talk with my mom about things going on at home and she told me 2 sentences into my rant that I am self absorbed. It hurt....real bad...and it made me so angry. I think it made me angrier than David did. I'm angry b/c I spent so many years being her best friend b/c she was ashamed to talk w/ anyone about the abuse she was going through. I'm angry b/c she told me their whole marriage that it was my Dad's fault she couldn't spend more time w/ me and I believed her and I believed that she would make up for lost time after they finally separated for good. She dropped me like a bad habit. Not only did she drop me like a bad habit, she got mad at me for confronting her about it years ago. I left it alone....she left me alone. When I invited her to my daughter's play during last fall, my aunt Marie who rode w/ her, told me how she complained about having to go to the play when she had all sorts of important "other things" to do. Well, I called her today to tell her my daughter is having a performance this Friday. She says, "Well, ya know how I've been talking to that guy here lately? I think he plans on asking me on a date this weekend and I told him I'd be free. I hate to tell him that and then tell him no when he asks." I say, "Mom, first off there's more than one day in a weekend and also would you really want to go on a date w/ a guy who'd be offended by you going to your grandaughter's play??" Yet, I'm self absorbed....I'm the effing self absorbed one and she couldn't even really tell me why I'm self absorbed but I'm pretty sure it has to do with all the pictures of myself I've posted on FB lately--7 pics from my cell phone. And ya know, I posted those pics b/c I was losing weight and feeling great about myself--not to mention it kept my hands busy taking all those photos (I quit smoking). I actually hated being in photos...loathed it. This was literally the first time in my life I began to enjoy being in photos...thanks mom for bringing me back down to earth. And ya know, I am a caregiver...a caregiver. A position was made for me in my last homeschool group as a meal coordinator b/c I was the one who'd always coordinate meals for families in need. I'm the one who took care of my dieing grandfather and the one who stayed w/ my racist grandmother when she had a heart attack b/c she'd fire all the caregivers hired b/c they were black. I took care of her when no one else would...me...no one else and it was a very hard job conisdering how much I hate racism. I let my mom come live with me b/c she separated from my dad a week before I got married. She took over my lease and told me she'd stay long enough to get my security deposit back for me since I paid rent for two months (for her). She stayed until a week before the lease was up...a week...250 dollars down the drain...but, I am self absorbed. I normally do not point out good deeds I've done, but I'm trying to get the point across here--I love myself...but I'm not self absorbed.I feel like no matter how hard I try to evolve into the person I know I'm meant to be, I'll always be cut back down to size for the people in my life...to suit them and their needs. That's hard...b/c I'm just not sure if I'm cut out to suit their needs anymore and no...I'm not talking about my kids at all. I love being needed by my kids and it's loving them that keeps me going every single day...they are my joy in life. I live in some pretty crappy circumstances at the moment but I will not tell you I'm having all bad days b/c everyday I get to be with my babies...those are always good days.
As far as David's concerned....I'm not really sure what to do. I have felt like running....some friends have had to talk me down from the ledge...for now. Thank you Kimber for the life support....and the coffee. ;)
I've been identifying a lot here lately with Garbage lyrics. I know...the band name sucks...but this girl holds a lot of "chick" power in her words. One of my favorite bands from when I was young...still one of my fave. Notable verses are: "Every time you give yourself away It comes back to haunt you
Love's an elusive charm and it can be painful To understand this crazy world
But you're not gonna crack
No you're never gonna crack
So when nothing seems too certain or safe
Let it burn through you
You can keep it pure on the inside
And you know what you believe to be right"
and my favorite part....
"Find out who you are before you regret it
Cause life is so short there's no time to waste it"
We've been getting along a little better, but as soon as I go back to "trying" , I know it'll get bad all over again most likely. I can't give up on my dreams and plans though....I do know that. Heaven only knows how this whole thing will end. If it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger....well, I hope it will.
I'm not sure if I can explain this the right way, but I'm capable of living two very separate identities. There's me, Kim; the mother, daughter, friend and wife and then there's Kimberly. Kimberly is the girl who was always pushed down, and she was taught not to be herself...hell..she was told to not even use her full first name b/c it's too long . Actually, I think people get weirded out by Kimberly and that's ok...I'm ok with being different. I talk a lot and I don't get embarassed too easily, but I'm great in public situations talking with other people and have the ability to make fast friends. I take shit off of no one and want to be healthy. I have aspirations to be an historian....maybe a sociomusicologist, maybe a violinist...after all it was something I loved for a long time. I also want to stay home with my babies to watch them grow and to spend the little bit of time I have with them before they're grown up and moved out. I love nurturing my kids, loving my kids, and learning how to be a better parent....not just parenting like my parents just for the sake of their honor. But I also do not want to be told or be made to feel like I have to martyr parts of myself to do that. I can be a stay at home mom without sacrificing my total self and without sacrificing all my dreams and my health just to get along with a man and just to make him happy. I'm a philosopher at heart, but also scientifically minded....although I am terribly interested in paranormal things. I'm very openminded and that's ok too.
So, the gist of all of this is I'm back....I'm really back. I just needed time to think and now I'm done whining, done thinking, and done trying to please people. I am Feminista. I am the only one that can be responsible for my happiness. So....let it begin....or continue...er..whatever...you know what I mean. PS-Still a Grade A non-smoker. ☺