Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I'm a Shadow Boxer baby...

Lastnight I got into an argument with David about a chiropractor...yes, a chiropractor. It was stupid...and shouldn't have been an argument. I tried to relieve the tension and tried to get us away from an argument...it didn't happen. The argument took a very strange and huge turn. My husband goes out to his truck, brings in some papers, and shows me where he's been going into my email spam box printing off spam emails for Eharmony, Match.com, and hot latino singles (b/c he said since my daughter's father was hispanic that MUST be the reason he found a "hot latino singles" email in my spam box...b/c "You like that flavor" were his words...rolling eyes now). LMAO!!! Where it says at the bottom of these spam emails "To unsubscribe, click here", he thinks that means I've subscribed to these dating sites....yep...mmm hmm. I started laughing...a little too hard I think. I tried to explain the concept of "spam" emails to him, but it took a long time for it to sink in. He couldn't figure out why I'd get these kind of spam emails but he doesn't. (sigh) I still don't really know why, but my husband does spend a lot of time on video game websites so I guess that's why he doesn't get that kind of spam...who knows. Anyway, I asked him why he'd think I'd cheat on him and asked him who the heck he thinks would want to be with me besides him. I know I'm pretty but let's be realistic here....I'm a big girl and pretty different too.  He told me since I've been losing weight, looking better, and have been so snappy at him....that HAS to be the reason why I'm doing these things...b/c he thinks I have been cheatin. I never say this, but I feel it's called for this time around...O.M.G! Then he told me he doesn't buy that I'm actually reading in my car when I take myself on dates. Should I show him my twitter and blogposts that show where I am?? I always tell him where I go and where he can find me. He knows the password to my email b/c I gave it to him and he knows the password to my computer profile. I never erase my history and he could easily access my facebook and blog. I did tell him I prefer he not read my blog b/c it's like a diary, but I also reminded him I tried to get him involved in my blogging in the beginning. He had no interest whatsoever. I was the one who made sure to give him those passwords. Also, sometimes I get him to go into my email to retrieve information for me.  Ya know, the funny thing is.....I'm the one that seduces him. I'm the one that's always chased after him. I slept in the living room a lot these past two weeks b/c I was tired of him not wanting to communicate w/ me....tired of several things really. Well, I decided in the end he must be having a hard time w/ the changes I've been making and having a hard time w/ me being in pain all the time recently. So, I tried to alleviate some of his concerns and I listened to him. He finally made an attempt at communicating....which was good....and out of character for him. I was proud of him after it was over with, but totally frustrated b/c it threw me into a pain attack. All the arguing has made the pain worse. I'm going to the chiropractor tomorrow and I'm waiting just a little bit longer before making an appointment w/ a neurologist b/c I want to make sure this isn't TMJ. I'm still doing some things the dentist told me to do. So, probably another week of this stuff before I can move on to the next doctor. It would be nice if this whole thing could be over with....the pain keeps getting worse and now the pain has moved further down...which is strange. I don't know what's going on.
      Oh, btw, after David went to work I stood in the middle of my kitchen crying and laughing at the same time b/c I realized....he thought I was cheating b/c I got my self esteem back. "I have arrived!", is all I could think.
Later on, my kids came in from outside. My daughter came to me and said, "Mommy...I heard daddy accuse you of cheating. I have to tell you something Mommy. When you go places he makes me and Enoch go back to the bedroom to watch TV so he can get on the computer to look at your profile."  Hmmm...I didn't know what to think about this. So I said, "Baby, it'll be ok....I appreciate you telling me this b/c I know you did it b/c you think you're protecting me from something, but I promise you....you don't have to protect me. Your daddy is a wonderful man and you make sure you respect him. Mommies and daddies disagree sometimes and it's not just his fault....it always takes two."
  I told David this. He tried to tell me he sends the kids back to the room so he can pay bills....I said, "Bullshit." I'm not a frequent profaner by the way. He finally admitted he looks at my profile a lot when I'm gone. I told him all he had to do was ask and I'd show him anything....nothing to hide...he knows how pissed off I've been at him. I did tell him I was a little flattered that he actually thought I'd cheat on him b/c even a year ago he would not have been concerned in the least. So, I told him thank you for finally caring. Oh, and he was aggravated with my daughter for ratting him out. I had to explain things to him....then they talked it out too...or so he says.
   I've talked w/ my mom and dad about some things that have been going on. My mom's solution is to get the kids back in church. Oh, and two sentences into me explaining about what's been going on she says, "Well Kim, I have an outsider's view and I can tell you what's wrong. You've become too self absorbed." This is coming from the lady who doesn't pick up the phone hardly ever to see how I'm doing. She goes on my facebook to find out....and what I put on my facebook must be a "tell all" about my WHOLE friggin life.  My dad's solution is I'm the woman, the one who is supposed to keep things together, and the one who's supposed to teach him. Well, who the heck is going to teach me??? And also, dad, do you think all men are morons or something since you think it's the women who have to keep them in line?? (sigh) I don't know why I've talked w/ anyone about this matter. I guess I just want to prepare family in case things go south. My dad told me he'd have a "very serious talk" with us if we even thought about it. So...ok I suppose....or as my daughter says, "whatever". Maybe smart ass kids are onto something....maybe "whatever" is the thing to say.
      On a lighter note, I finally got out into my overgrown garden w/ my kids, and neighbor kids. They helped me pick 4-5 bags full of veggies...squash, zucchini, mustard greens and spinach. So, it was nice to have something productive in my life today. I enjoyed talking with all the children too. Children have such a fresh, unique, and innocent view of the world. I envy them.  Hope you all are doing well. ☺




Once my lover, now my friend

What a cruel thing to pretend

What a cunning way to condescend

Once my lover, and now my friend



Oh, you creep up like the clouds

And you set my soul at ease

Then you let your love abound

And you bring me to my knees



Oh, it's evil babe

The way you let your grace enrapture me

When well you know I'd be insane

To ever let that dirty game recapture me



You made me a shadowboxer, baby

I wanna be ready for what you do

I been swinging around 'cause

I don't know when you're gonna make your move



Oh, your gaze is dangerous

And you fill your space so sweet

If I let you get too close

You'll set your spell on me



So darlin' I just wanna say

Just in case I don't come through

I was onto every play

I just wanted you



Oh it's so evil, my love

The way you've no reverence to my concern

So I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love

To save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn



So I'm a shadowboxer, baby

I wanna be ready for what you do

I been swinging around at nothin

I don't know when you're gonna make your move



Yeah I'm a shadowboxer baby,

I wanna be ready for what you do

And I been swinging around me 'cause

I don't know when you're gonna make your move



More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/fiona+apple/#share

7 comments:

  1. I get ya, baby! I can so relate to the male troubles. I feel lucky cause mine is so apathetic and removed emotionally he doesn't care where I am or what I'm doing. It's hilarious becuase since we first kissed when I was 16, I've never in any way been with another man--and I'm 47 now! He has no idea what he is throwing away by not loving me. I have way too much love and passion to be put to pasture. I hope he gets nervous. He has no access to my accounts though. I like to keep him wondering. The sad thing, it doesn't seem to make him jealous. At least your husband seems to care if your affection were to drift. He has no idea what he has. Poor "moron." (to quote your dad's point of view...hee hee)

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  2. I started laughing when I read the last bit of your comment. lol. I swear I feel like I'm stuck in "30 years ago" sometimes. I've been telling him what's "wrong" for weeks now and he chooses to ignore and come up with his own answer. It makes no sense to me, but oh well. At least he communicated...or tried to. I'm so sorry your husband doesn't try to win over your heart. I know how it feels...it's a hard place to be. I was shocked to find out he was actually concerned with me cheating. He's NEVER been this way before...so finally...maybe he realizes I am a hot commodity and not just a can that can be put on a shelf. It's nice to have company in the boat Autumn...at least I know I'm not alone. :)

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  3. Hey Kim;
    Yeah, birds of a feather-we need to stick together. I think it's really sad that he doesn't realize what he has. I know my worth, I just have wasted it on someone who doesn't think having a wife who accommodates your needs, gives you massages and foot rubs, adjusts your meals to your taste and health needs and is an excellent cook, who is funny and witty and a fantastic therapist, intelligent and into lots of interesting things, complex and wild and crazy, ready to have sex at the drop of a hat anywhere and anyhow, is irreverant and spontaneous and playful... he just really missed it. I think he's just a sad man who can't open his heart. I used to find that comforting because it meant he was loyal and stoic and would get the job done, but to have no one encourage me...it sucks. He couldn't even name my blog--he's never seen it. He's never read my writing and I'm getting published. He hates that I hunt ghosts and watch horror movies. He thinks my sense of humor is childish and adults aren't playful. And, my libido is entirely unrealistic. Jeez, I may have been living in a void being married to him, but don't guys usually think these are good things? At this point, I could live forever on a guy giving me just one compliment. The only thing my husband has ever complimented me on is how I raised our son and how I cook. I am so deprived, I think if a man told me I was beautiful or fantastically funny and smart, I'd drop at his feet. Yeah, he's setting up a bad situation but its his own doing for casting away what he has taken for granted. Just remember whatever your husband's mindset is, it's his trip, not yours. He's just projecting it on you because we never like to admit we don't want change, we point at the person doing the changing and say it's their fault for tipping the boat. They did a study once, the people who lived to 100 all had one thing in common; they expected life to be filled with change and they changed to adapt instead of fighting it. Hubby needs to expect change and adapt. You're on the right path. I'm there with you. Never compromise your personality and your goals. It's up to him to adjust.

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  4. I hit you again on HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY. It's another vid designed to give you a chuckle. Maybe some of the other vids will make you feel better too;-)

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  5. I just wanted to say that I have been edgy and short-tempered since I started my weight loss efforts. I don't have the usual food pacifier to fall back on. And, in your defense, spam mail comes from all kinds of unsolicited sources.

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  6. I suppose in a way it is kind of a backwards compliment that he thought you were cheating! But, why does he think you would? I mean, if he is being a good husband, you should have no reason to look elsewhere, regardless of whether or not you lose weight because I can tell you right now, there are A LOT of men who like big women, you just have to know where to look. lol And it's probably not on eharmony. Ha.

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