Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Last Saturday w/ My Mom

So last Saturday I told you guys I went to my friend's kid's b-day party w/ my kids. I live an hour from Charlotte's where I used to live and now it's just where my family lives.

If you've never been to Charlotte before, you should come by for a spell. There's Carowinds, The Panthers, Discovery Place, Nascar,....other stuff too. fun fun fun Anyhoo...

Well, I've mentioned before that my mom and I are not very close. She has her own life in which she is super involved and rarely reaches out to family. I promise I'm not whining yet, this is the way it is. My dad was super controlling, made my mom do lots of things she didn't want to do (some pretty frightening things I might add), and he was very suffocating. He pretty much took up any free time she would have had after taking care of we kids and the house. I remember her asking me if I'd like to go somewhere with her and then my dad told us we couldn't go. She told me for years that it was just my dad keeping her from spending time with me. Well, I was in orchestra and I was in colorguard in marching band. These are the two biggest activities I had in my life. No one came to see me unless I begged. My mom came twice and my dad once. My mom constantly ran my brothers to their sports and my dad went to a few of their games, but I was pretty much left to myself with my own activities. I eventually didn't mind b/c I got a boyfriend and liked making out w/ him after ballgames. See what happens when you don't know where your kids are??  In the meantime, my parents' marriage worsened and my mother had very few friends and absolutely NO one to talk to....but me. So, I knew way too much about the dirty things that were going on in my parents' marriage. There was even one time I had to convince my mom she shouldn't take her own life...(she denies she even mentioned this by the would a child forget something like this??). Well, time passed and my parents separated while I was having my daughter. Then they separated again a week before I got married. My mom came to live with me and took over my apartment lease once I got married. She stayed just a few days shy of being able to get my security deposit back for me...yeah, thanks ma. Finally, my parental units got divorced. I thought, "Surely, now we can have a relationship. Dad's not there to scew it up now." Well, I'd try to connect w/ her, but she'd tell me she was super busy. After many attempts I gave up. After a while, I got resentful and confronted her and she denied telling me too much as a kid, and denied she hadn't spent enough time w/ me. It was so strange to me b/c my dad was the one who I thought screwed me up the most, but turns out my mom did too. This was a hard pillow to swallow. My dad apologized for his crap, but mom never did....and she was the one who'd normally apologize and my dad was the one who would NOT apologize. It's like they flipped. She got a boyfriend and has hardly looked back since then. Well, she recently broke up w/ her boyfriend again and now she's wanting to spend time w/ us. So, after the b-day party Saturday, we went to her house to grill out. I was so exhausted from running around after my son so I plopped down in a chair and fell asleep. She actually played w/ my kids and took care of them so I could nap for a few. I really don't know what to make of all this, but I guess we'll see where it goes.
  I just...I just get so darn mad thinking about the fact I was the person she turned to for years. Then when she finally had the opportunity to make up for lost time...she just totally ditched me. I felt used up, not important, and like I was an "option" for her. I forgive her, but I'm still a bit guarded b/c I'm afraid she'll just take herself away from me once she gets another boyfriend. Whew...I needed to get that out.

I took a couple of photos...

Me staring at my new kicks right before I fell asleep...New Balance..cute? They have pink on them. ☺

Driving home in the hour drive from Charlotte to think about all the issues w/ my mother. I have no clue why I took this picture. I guess I felt like it was a long drive home since I had so much to think about.


  1. Love the shoes !
    One possibility with your mom that you may not have considered- your mom may find when she is with you she is too reminded of how dis-empowered she had become and she does not feel secure enough in herself yet to face her old relationship patterns. Breaking free of a bad situation is hard, but harder still is learning to accept the person that you were in that situation and coming to terms with it. That is deep level healing, and it is the hardest work at all. It seems like this is what is going on- your mom has nothing against you, but everything against the person whom she was in that marriage and she is uncomfortable with things that might prove to be reminders of some of those inner demons. I do not have a close relationship with my mom or dad, but I am almost a clone for my father in looks and personality. When my father died in 2004 , my relationship with my mom got a little weirder because I was so much of a reminder of my dad it hurt at times. My mom now has dementia, and sadly it is only her body that remains as my mother . Her mind is gone and I am left with a lot of questions that will never be answered

  2. Yeah, that's definitely part of it. You're very intuitive. :) The other part is her nerves are bad, she didn't have a good model of a mother herself, and she doesn't think any of her "grown up" kids should need her anymore.
    I'm so sorry you've got a lot of questions unanswered. I know that's really tough. Maybe another way to look at it though is maybe having some of those answers might be tougher than the questions themselves. As a child who knew too much about what was going on behind the scenes, I think I wouldn't have minded having some questions left unanswered. lol Of course, I lived in some pretty strange and bad circumstances though. lol

  3. I don't get to see my mom very much because she is too busy taking care of my brother's two kids, and her life is all about them. I've lived at my current home for 5 years, and she has been out here maybe twice a year. When we were kids she was sort of the same way - my dad got all her free time. They are still married but hate each other, so that's not an issue anymore. It's not just me though, she has been to visit my sister out of state ONCE only, and my other brother is so mad at her he hasn't spoken to her in like 6 years. I will never ignore my daughter the way my mom has done to me.

  4. eh, I have nothing to say on that.
    I guess time will tell with the boyfriend thing.
    Maybe she is getting older and knows she wasn't the mother she should have been.
    I hope that is the case. Hugs.