Last Saturday w/ My Mom

So last Saturday I told you guys I went to my friend's kid's b-day party w/ my kids. I live an hour from Charlotte NC.....it's where I used to live and now it's just where my family lives.

If you've never been to Charlotte before, you should come by for a spell. There's Carowinds, The Panthers, Discovery Place, Nascar,....other stuff too. fun fun fun Anyhoo...

Well, I've mentioned before that my mom and I are not very close. She has her own life in which she is super involved and rarely reaches out to family. I promise I'm not whining yet, this is the way it is. My dad was super controlling, made my mom do lots of things she didn't want to do (some pretty frightening things I might add), and he was very suffocating. He pretty much took up any free time she would have had after taking care of we kids and the house. I remember her asking me if I'd like to go somewhere with her and then my dad told us we couldn't go. She told me for years that it was just my dad keeping her from spending time with me. Well, I was in orchestra and I was in colorguard in marching band. These are the two biggest activities I had in my life. No one came to see me unless I begged. My mom came twice and my dad once. My mom constantly ran my brothers to their sports and my dad went to a few of their games, but I was pretty much left to myself with my own activities. I eventually didn't mind b/c I got a boyfriend and liked making out w/ him after ballgames. See what happens when you don't know where your kids are??  In the meantime, my parents' marriage worsened and my mother had very few friends and absolutely NO one to talk to....but me. So, I knew way too much about the dirty things that were going on in my parents' marriage. There was even one time I had to convince my mom she shouldn't take her own life...(she denies she even mentioned this by the way...how would a child forget something like this??). Well, time passed and my parents separated while I was having my daughter. Then they separated again a week before I got married. My mom came to live with me and took over my apartment lease once I got married. She stayed just a few days shy of being able to get my security deposit back for me...yeah, thanks ma. Finally, my parental units got divorced. I thought, "Surely, now we can have a relationship. Dad's not there to scew it up now." Well, I'd try to connect w/ her, but she'd tell me she was super busy. After many attempts I gave up. After a while, I got resentful and confronted her and she denied telling me too much as a kid, and denied she hadn't spent enough time w/ me. It was so strange to me b/c my dad was the one who I thought screwed me up the most, but turns out my mom did too. This was a hard pillow to swallow. My dad apologized for his crap, but mom never did....and she was the one who'd normally apologize and my dad was the one who would NOT apologize. It's like they flipped. She got a boyfriend and has hardly looked back since then. Well, she recently broke up w/ her boyfriend again and now she's wanting to spend time w/ us. So, after the b-day party Saturday, we went to her house to grill out. I was so exhausted from running around after my son so I plopped down in a chair and fell asleep. She actually played w/ my kids and took care of them so I could nap for a few. I really don't know what to make of all this, but I guess we'll see where it goes.
  I just...I just get so darn mad thinking about the fact I was the person she turned to for years. Then when she finally had the opportunity to make up for lost time...she just totally ditched me. I felt used up, not important, and like I was an "option" for her. I forgive her, but I'm still a bit guarded b/c I'm afraid she'll just take herself away from me once she gets another boyfriend. Whew...I needed to get that out.

I took a couple of photos...

Me staring at my new kicks right before I fell asleep...New Balance..cute? They have pink on them. ☺

Driving home in the dark....an hour drive from Charlotte to think about all the issues w/ my mother. I have no clue why I took this picture. I guess I felt like it was a long drive home since I had so much to think about.