I assure you I'm not doing well. I'm very good at living in the moment which is why I can laugh with friends, play with my kids, and other things. It's nearly impossible for me to function on a constructive level right now though.
Right now I'm crying. I haven't cried in many days, but tonight I did. David had to pick up my kids so he could spend time with them....which means them going over to his dad's house and staying over. I won't get to see my kids everyday anymore. This is like a knife.
Then I talked to David some tonight. I asked him why he told me while I was at the beach that it'd be so hard for him to be away from me during our trial separation when last week he told me he'd miss me "some". I asked him what he meant by that and why so many confusing things. He rubbed my shoulder and said, "Kim, I love you a lot and I miss you a lot. I only meant I'd miss you some b/c right now I'm working loads of hours and don't have time to think about much else when I am working." My mind is saying bullshit and my heart is like a desperate little schoolgirl with daddy issues...wanting so desperately to believe him. More than that, I desperately want him to love me so much. Why? Shah...I don't know the hell why. I have people that love me, but I guess it's that deep connection....you know the one I'm talking about...the one where you finish eachother's sentences. David and I do that a lot. I feel like the fat girl in highschool who the nice cute boys feel sorry for....the ones who'll ask you to dance, but not look you in the eye the whole time. You know which ones I'm talking about. I feel like that w/ David right now. We were picking my car up from the mechanic's garage when we were talking. We were standing outside while the kids waited in his truck....the Cheatermobile. They drove off and I got in my car. I started crying and couldn't stop. This cry was like the cry I had when he first told me he cheated.....a belly cry. The kind of cry that starts from the pit of your stomach and works its way out into sobs and chokes.....tons of tears. I'm alone in my house right now....alone...w/o my babies and a husband. Why oh why has life been this way? I got out of the shower yesterday and at that moment I thought to myself, "All I wanted was a normal life. I tried to pick well so I'd have the chance to live a simple life. Not many material possessions, living in the country in a wholesome town. What the f*** happened??"
Saving My Life
Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.
I am so sorry. I can't imagine what it's like.
ReplyDeletedo you want to work it out right now for the kids?
I could understand that and I think alot of other people could too. Maybe you guys could go and get some counseling. I don't know, big hugs to you okay.
You are not less than. Just know that. I know it feels like that right now.
I wish I could hang out and give you a big hug and listen.
Chris, I think you could understand. When we pick homeschooling...we're not picking an educational choice, it's a lifestyle. I was a single mom when David met me. I worked and I was used to taking Laurel to daycare. I hated it though and prayed for the day I would meet someone who'd feel the same way I do about staying home with my kiddos. While I do yearn to go back to school one day, I earnestly love being with my children and it's killing me to think of uprooting them into another life. At the same time, I don't want them to grow up in the same kind of household I lived in. Either way I go, my kids are going to get screwed up in some fashion. That's why it's so hard for me to understand how I've managed to help make a royal mess of my life, when I was trying to make good choices. I know it's not all my fault, but still...right now I'm just standing in the middle of muck and I feel like there's no way to get out of it. My daughter's father left a week before she was born. She's lost one dad already. Not sure I can bear the burden of her possibly losing another one and that's what would happen, b/c I'd have to move to Charlotte....an hour away from where i live. David would hardly ever be able to see the kids once I put them into public school. All of the possibilities are frightening me right now.
ReplyDeleteOh, sorry...thanks for the hug Chris. I appreciate it. David is actually going to start counseling soon...I will join in later. We know we are most likely heading down the road to divorce, but we are taking one step at a time right now. He's still going to get help he says. He's finally been making calls...so that's a plus. I told him even if we don't stay together he still needs to get help for our kids. He agreed.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that this hurts so much. I know that when I divorced The Operator that was painful, too. Even though it was absolutely the right thing to do. However, it cost me the kids. I had put everything I had into them. It was very painful. Lots of crying over that one. But, if I had stayed it would have killed me. Now... that's my story. I am just saying that every divorce is painful ~ even the ones that are ultimately the best for you, which is why people don't jump into divorce with eagerness. It hurts. And it is always worse when there are kids involved. I say to you again to trust your gut and to do what you feel is right. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteThanks Robin. Right now I'm not sure what my gut tells me. I know it says not to take the abuse anymore but it still asks me if he's capable of change. I dunno. I guess we'll find out.
ReplyDelete