I assure you I'm not doing well. I'm very good at living in the moment which is why I can laugh with friends, play with my kids, and other things. It's nearly impossible for me to function on a constructive level right now though.
Right now I'm crying. I haven't cried in many days, but tonight I did. David had to pick up my kids so he could spend time with them....which means them going over to his dad's house and staying over. I won't get to see my kids everyday anymore. This is like a knife.
Then I talked to David some tonight. I asked him why he told me while I was at the beach that it'd be so hard for him to be away from me during our trial separation when last week he told me he'd miss me "some". I asked him what he meant by that and why so many confusing things. He rubbed my shoulder and said, "Kim, I love you a lot and I miss you a lot. I only meant I'd miss you some b/c right now I'm working loads of hours and don't have time to think about much else when I am working." My mind is saying bullshit and my heart is like a desperate little schoolgirl with daddy issues...wanting so desperately to believe him. More than that, I desperately want him to love me so much. Why? Shah...I don't know the hell why. I have people that love me, but I guess it's that deep connection....you know the one I'm talking about...the one where you finish eachother's sentences. David and I do that a lot. I feel like the fat girl in highschool who the nice cute boys feel sorry for....the ones who'll ask you to dance, but not look you in the eye the whole time. You know which ones I'm talking about. I feel like that w/ David right now. We were picking my car up from the mechanic's garage when we were talking. We were standing outside while the kids waited in his truck....the Cheatermobile. They drove off and I got in my car. I started crying and couldn't stop. This cry was like the cry I had when he first told me he cheated.....a belly cry. The kind of cry that starts from the pit of your stomach and works its way out into sobs and chokes.....tons of tears. I'm alone in my house right now....alone...w/o my babies and a husband. Why oh why has life been this way? I got out of the shower yesterday and at that moment I thought to myself, "All I wanted was a normal life. I tried to pick well so I'd have the chance to live a simple life. Not many material possessions, living in the country in a wholesome town. What the f*** happened??"