Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I Suck at Coming Up With Good Titles...&Food Log May 10th

I talked about the huge argument that David and I had on my last big post, I'm Here. I only told the gist of it, but there was more we talked about. The Huntington's issue was mentioned by me.
   After all the years....the bad beginning years we had together when he'd always use my weight as a punch below the belt, me knowing that he would really like to see me skinnier and healthier, you'd think that the guy would shut his mouth when I'm trying to get healthy.  It never fails....he always brings up the food issue. Now, when I say this...I'm not just tooting my own horn, but I am a damn good cook. You can ask almost anybody who has eaten at my house and they'll say, "Yeah, Kim's a crazy good cook." As a matter of fact, my husband likes my cooking well enough to share extra portions of his food with the guys at work. He just revealed this recently. I come from a LONG line of good cooks. My grandmother, who I learned from, used to own her own restaurant. Yet, he complains about getting "sauteed" veggies...or baked food. When I saute my's not like I don't put good ingredients in. I recently sauteed some summer squash w/ onion w/ garlic, thyme, a little butter, sea salt, and pepper. So, it's not like I'm cooking veggies w/o anything on them, but b/c he was raised the way a proper southern boy was raised on fried veggies, gravy, red meat, and food doesn't make the grade in this way. Then, with the whole issue of him not wanting me to blow the extra money we have now b/c I quit smoking on Zumba/Yoga classes, I became angry with him.  It takes pushing my buttons...just right to make me angry. He pushed that button really hard. I told him how irrational it was to not let me use that money on exercise and saving it away for vacations. I told him it made no sense b/c if I wanted to smoke again, that money would go away anyhow....and he wouldn't care. He finally agreed w/ me on that one.
   All of this together got me thinking. Why the hell does he bring up the most asenine issues when I'm trying to lose weight? Well, I confronted him on it. I asked him why he always pulls this when I start feeling good. I asked him if he's scared of me getting better....he claims no, but I dunno. I told him I saw his arm shaking the day we were putting out the garden. I asked him if he was really shivering and he said he couldn't remember. His demeanor changed when we approached this topic...he became a little more hard. I didn't allow this to sidetrack me though. I told him this--" David, if you are sick...and I'm going to be the one to take care of you...I'm going to have to be a little mroe selfish and way more confident. You are going to have back off me about silly things like food and spending a little on exercise. I want to make memories with you b/c I don't know how long I have with you (and of course I was crying) and all we do is stay home when you're off. How is this a life?? I want to do fun things and enriching things with our children together...not just when I take them on fieldtrips. So, if that means saving back money that I would've "smoked" away, I don't see any problem with that."  He told me to keep doing the menu as usual and sorry for the other stuff. I apologized too...not really sure why....but sometimes it's just the polite thing to do in a marriage I guess.
   He won't open up to me. I want him so badly to just talk to me about whatever issues he's having. This is how it's been my whole marriage. I am a fixer and a talker, but it is like pulling teeth to get him to communicate. It makes things very difficult. I'm kind of sad right now thinking about the uncertain future. I've been giving him extra hugs, kisses on the back of his neck....breathing him in b/c I don't want to take for granted the time we have together. The crazy thing is (and I told him this in our argument), my husband and I are complete opposites. We weren't total opposites when we met, but have become more opposite over a period of time. I asked him, "How do we keep making this work?". He told me, "How we've always done....we just do."  I asked him, "Why do we try so friggin hard?" He said, "Because we love eachother." So...the million dollar question of the day you think it's possible for total opposite people to make things work in a marriage? It is super puzzling to me how we make it work, when he and I have such little in common anymore...but, somehow we just do. I will say this...we rock at parenting together. He always has my back and I always have his.
   Ok, as you can mental plumming is pretty well clogged right now, so you're probably going to see more posts like this here and there for a little while. Just bear with me...the mental work HAS to be done. Just when I'm enjoying my drama free, baggage free life, I somehow attract more. Why is this? Jeez.

Anyway, my eating sucked over the weekend...massive failure. I wanted comfort food and I had it. I'm afraid to weigh, but will probably do it in the morning anyway. I don't think taking it easy on myself right now is helping me. I'm doing good with the no smoking thing and I'm ready to lose more weight...I need something to happen right now. So, I'm getting back on of tomorrow b/c I sucked at eating again today.

Here it is people....and it is ugly...urgh:

Breakfast: leftover hashbrowns w/ swiss cheese, salsa, and 2 small pieces of turkey sausage, 1c. Naked green juice, 1 small banana

Lunch: Whole wheat sandwich w/ turkey breast and 1 slice cheese, pear, green tea

Dinner: Small piece of steak, baked french fries, salad w/ 2tbsp. Newman's Own dressing, mixed veggies (bicolored greenbeans, babycarrots)

Then the junk fest....a couple of leftover homemade waffles from the weekend w/ berries and whipped cream and about 1c. cereal w/ whole milk. I wanted brownies, but didn't have eggs to make them....yep, I was gonna make them. So, I'm going to write down my intentions, get organized, and get back on the saddle b/c I do NOT want to gain back any weight....if I haven't already. (rolling eyes) I will NOT let any of this keep me from accomplishing my task at hand and the desires I have for myself and my family's future.

On a lighter note, you'll be happy to know one of the old presidents from my old homeschool group made a new support group. I am super excited about it and so is everyone that's a part of it. We've all been chatting over our new loop and I'm even trying to organize an end of year celebration for us all. Oh, by the way, our new group is totally inclusive...I am so proud of this. :) Have a great day guys and a fabulous week. ((hugs))


  1. Yeah, it is possible.
    My husband and I couldn't be more different. When you are this different it IS hard.
    But I think it's kind of like a puzzle piece...the parts that stick out on you aare missing in him and the parts that stick out in him are missing on you..Put together you make a whole piece.
    I am a planner. I mean to the penny.
    He is a 'Hey let's go live in paraguay" kind of guy.
    No, he's not kidding.
    I never say anything unless I mean it.
    he says things to see what will happen and how people will react.
    I turn into miss manners in your voice level. Watch your are you dressed.
    He will grab a plunger and stick it on his head in the hardwar aisle of walmart to not only embarrass the crap out of me, but to make me laugh.
    He kicks me out of my rut.
    IT's the differentness you love, the bits of you you wish were more like him.
    It leads to TREMENDOUS arguments, but also really great 'makeup' sessions.
    You guys sound perfect.
    You won't gain back the are too aware and you are doing great. I am so glad you have a new homeschool support group that you can feel proud of.
    Have a great day Kim.

  2. "But I think it's kind of like a puzzle piece...the parts that stick out on you aare missing in him and the parts that stick out in him are missing on you..Put together you make a whole piece."---This is exactly how it is huh? I couldn't have been more eloquent. And yeah, it leads to great makeup sessions. lol. Thanks for the feedback...I really needed that. :) You have a great day too.

  3. certainly have a ton going on...despite however bad you feel you ate, you still are a non-smoker...huge congrats on that.

    I'm sorry for the challenges you are facing with your hubby...I can't imagine, though, what he must be may not be managing his emotions well and you are a target...but wow...if he really is sick, I can't wrap my head around what that would be like.

    Prayers for you both.

  4. Thanks Kyle, your encouragement means a lot. You and Chris....and everybody else. I am proud of myself for not smoking....God, I wish you knew how relieved and happy I am. I just don't want to lose focus and I feel like I am.
    Yeah, you're right. I can't even wrap my head around what my husband must feel and I'm his best friend. He'll eventually talk...hopefully..he will.

  5. Hi friend. You're going through a lot. It's great that you were assertive enough to stand up for things you fully deserve. Even when it does come with tears, it's just good to get that stuff out. Thinking about you and wishing you luck <3

  6. Thanks Tricia, and yeah...going through a lot. I want to go back to my normal, happy, cheery self again and I can't seem to get back there at the moment. Thanks for telling me it's good to get the "stuff" out b/c I feel like I'm a total bummer on my blog lately. lol I think I'll come over to your blog and see what kind fun you're getting yourself into lately...that usually makes me laugh bunches. :)

  7. Hey Kim, this sounds like my household at the moment. I am striving for a peaceful, positive environment that will benefit everyone, especially the kids and family time. So much of what you said is the same.. I am the fixer and talker and my husband is withdrawn and non emotional. So at least we know we are not alone in our quests for health and happiness. This is why my blog has been empty lately, similar arguments, counselling etc, though I cant speak about it on my blog due to the audience. I hope we find ways to make it work smoothly that is positive for everyone and it enhances out weightloss efforts. It helps that you have blogged about it, for you and for me :)

  8. Thanks Peta, and it does help to know I'm not alone. I hope things get better on your side of the world too. It's rough...I know. Why don't you have a private blog so you can talk about this stuff? It really helps, I promise.