I talked about the huge argument that David and I had on my last big post, I'm Here. I only told the gist of it, but there was more we talked about. The Huntington's issue was mentioned by me.
After all the years....the bad beginning years we had together when he'd always use my weight as a punch below the belt, me knowing that he would really like to see me skinnier and healthier, you'd think that the guy would shut his mouth when I'm trying to get healthy. It never fails....he always brings up the food issue. Now, when I say this...I'm not just tooting my own horn, but I am a damn good cook. You can ask almost anybody who has eaten at my house and they'll say, "Yeah, Kim's a crazy good cook." As a matter of fact, my husband likes my cooking well enough to share extra portions of his food with the guys at work. He just revealed this recently. I come from a LONG line of good cooks. My grandmother, who I learned from, used to own her own restaurant. Yet, he complains about getting "sauteed" veggies...or baked food. When I saute my veggies...it's not like I don't put good ingredients in. I recently sauteed some summer squash w/ onion w/ garlic, thyme, a little butter, sea salt, and pepper. So, it's not like I'm cooking veggies w/o anything on them, but b/c he was raised the way a proper southern boy was raised on fried veggies, gravy, red meat, and potatoes....my food doesn't make the grade in this way. Then, with the whole issue of him not wanting me to blow the extra money we have now b/c I quit smoking on Zumba/Yoga classes, I became angry with him. It takes pushing my buttons...just right to make me angry. He pushed that button really hard. I told him how irrational it was to not let me use that money on exercise and saving it away for vacations. I told him it made no sense b/c if I wanted to smoke again, that money would go away anyhow....and he wouldn't care. He finally agreed w/ me on that one.
All of this together got me thinking. Why the hell does he bring up the most asenine issues when I'm trying to lose weight? Well, I confronted him on it. I asked him why he always pulls this when I start feeling good. I asked him if he's scared of me getting better....he claims no, but I dunno. I told him I saw his arm shaking the day we were putting out the garden. I asked him if he was really shivering and he said he couldn't remember. His demeanor changed when we approached this topic...he became a little more hard. I didn't allow this to sidetrack me though. I told him this--" David, if you are sick...and I'm going to be the one to take care of you...I'm going to have to be a little mroe selfish and way more confident. You are going to have back off me about silly things like food and spending a little on exercise. I want to make memories with you b/c I don't know how long I have with you (and of course I was crying) and all we do is stay home when you're off. How is this a life?? I want to do fun things and enriching things with our children together...not just when I take them on fieldtrips. So, if that means saving back money that I would've "smoked" away, I don't see any problem with that." He told me to keep doing the menu as usual and sorry for the other stuff. I apologized too...not really sure why....but sometimes it's just the polite thing to do in a marriage I guess.
He won't open up to me. I want him so badly to just talk to me about whatever issues he's having. This is how it's been my whole marriage. I am a fixer and a talker, but it is like pulling teeth to get him to communicate. It makes things very difficult. I'm kind of sad right now thinking about the uncertain future. I've been giving him extra hugs, kisses on the back of his neck....breathing him in b/c I don't want to take for granted the time we have together. The crazy thing is (and I told him this in our argument), my husband and I are complete opposites. We weren't total opposites when we met, but have become more opposite over a period of time. I asked him, "How do we keep making this work?". He told me, "How we've always done....we just do." I asked him, "Why do we try so friggin hard?" He said, "Because we love eachother." So...the million dollar question of the day is....do you think it's possible for total opposite people to make things work in a marriage? It is super puzzling to me how we make it work, when he and I have such little in common anymore...but, somehow we just do. I will say this...we rock at parenting together. He always has my back and I always have his.
Ok, as you can see....my mental plumming is pretty well clogged right now, so you're probably going to see more posts like this here and there for a little while. Just bear with me...the mental work HAS to be done. Just when I'm enjoying my drama free, baggage free life, I somehow attract more. Why is this? Jeez.
Anyway, my eating sucked over the weekend...massive failure. I wanted comfort food and I had it. I'm afraid to weigh, but will probably do it in the morning anyway. I don't think taking it easy on myself right now is helping me. I'm doing good with the no smoking thing and I'm ready to lose more weight...I need something to happen right now. So, I'm getting back on track...as of tomorrow b/c I sucked at eating again today.
Here it is people....and it is ugly...urgh:
Breakfast: leftover hashbrowns w/ swiss cheese, salsa, and 2 small pieces of turkey sausage, 1c. Naked green juice, 1 small banana
Lunch: Whole wheat sandwich w/ turkey breast and 1 slice cheese, pear, green tea
Dinner: Small piece of steak, baked french fries, salad w/ 2tbsp. Newman's Own dressing, mixed veggies (bicolored greenbeans, babycarrots)
Then the junk fest....a couple of leftover homemade waffles from the weekend w/ berries and whipped cream and about 1c. cereal w/ whole milk. I wanted brownies, but didn't have eggs to make them....yep, I was gonna make them. So, I'm going to write down my intentions, get organized, and get back on the saddle b/c I do NOT want to gain back any weight....if I haven't already. (rolling eyes) I will NOT let any of this keep me from accomplishing my task at hand and the desires I have for myself and my family's future.
On a lighter note, you'll be happy to know one of the old presidents from my old homeschool group made a new support group. I am super excited about it and so is everyone that's a part of it. We've all been chatting over our new loop and I'm even trying to organize an end of year celebration for us all. Oh, by the way, our new group is totally inclusive...I am so proud of this. :) Have a great day guys and a fabulous week. ((hugs))