Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Hot n' Cold

So, some things about myself that some of you don't know. My dad and I made up years ago and he apologized for the way he hurt me growing up. My mom and dad eventually divorced and my mom is a bit aloof but I still talk to her and once in a while we spend time together. She kinda has her own life. I actually have a pretty close knit family. I have 2 brothers that I'm super close with. One of my brothers serves in the airforce and lives in Germany, but we're always cutting up over Facebook. My other brother Joey stays with me on the weekends a lot w/ his girlfriend Niki who is a Korean student studying abroad here in the US....and we get into some pretty funny stuff. If you look at that link, just scroll to the bottom for the pic. I keep saying I'm going to start Joey and Niki posts b/c really they are both so funny. I haven't even told about how Niki got herself stuck....well I'll save that for another time. ☺
   Also, I have a pretty rough past. I grew up in mental and verbal abuse. I did drugs when I was a pregnant as a teen...was a single mom...then married. I grew up in church, was a believer for many years (still am just way differently), was going to be a missionary when I was 18 and actually went to Guatemala to do mission work for a short time, but got derailed by an ex that came back to town and got pregnant. Starting at the age of 17, I began seeing counselors....I did a lot of work. I went to more counseling after getting married and went to some counselors with my husband. All of them were "christian" counselors. One told me men are more logical than women and one told my husband and I we should just get divorced b/c she couldn't handle our bickering in the session. lol!  I had one particular counselor that I loved a lot and she helped me immensely, but over all it was the mentoring by 2 very strong women in my life that helped me a lot. Oh, and I did part of a 12 step program at Overeater's anonymous.  And now, I think it's just age and accumulating knowledge that are making me see things differently about life. I have a super healthy self esteem...b/c I rock. Also, I'm a worrier which is why it's easy for me to get paralyzed by emotions, but talking it out on here is what helps me come out of it. I've had a very sucky past 3 or 4 weeks, but like everything else in life this too shall pass and I learn from every experience before me. Oh, I've been weight loss blogging for several months now and have lost 30lbs. so far and I quit smoking a month ago...I've gained just a few pounds from quitting smoking but they are dropping off pretty quickly right now. I've also went from wearing my hair in a bun all the time, wearing hand me downs, and wearing no make-up to fixing myself up almost every single day now. The "turning the corner" thing I was talking about in my other post, is for the first time in my life I feel in control of things and also feel like I'm becoming the person I was always meant to be. Also, I'm turning the corner from my weight loss plan. I started out just eating whole foods and now I'm incorporating a calorie cap. I'm getting that set up right now and will share about it soon. Whew! Ok, so hopefully this will have gotten all of you caught up to where I am now. ;)
   Up until these past several weeks, my husband and I have had a pretty healthy marriage for quite sometime, but I feel a rough patch a'brewin. I tried talking with him lastnight using "I feel" messages and taking long pauses to hear him, but all of it didn't work at all. I told him I feel like he stifles me sometimes when I'm doing well with my weight loss efforts. I told him I'll continue to make some of his favorite foods, but when he mentions the "food" stuff it discourages me b/c I thought I was trying so hard to make this thing easy for him too. He just kept telling me " You just don't get it and you're blowing this out of proportion." The thing is i DO get it like the other hundred times he's done this and he was literally yelling at me when he made it known he was getting tired of all the healthy I don't get how I'm blowing it out of proportion. Anyway, I told him I want to be healthy and I want us to go out and enjoy life together. I told him I don't want to spend life sitting in front of a computer or television b/c that's NOT living. He told me he begged to differ and felt like he was living plenty of life in front of the TV b/c he works during the day. He said he can spend time with our kids here at the house and he's totally content with that even if it means never venturing out. He said his parents didn't and he turned out fine. LMAO!! This is coming from a man who might not live past 53 and he's totally ok with wasting his life away here at home. We did not make up b/c he was totally irrational and got heated....he stormed off to bed while I was begging him to talk to me. I told him I want to understand what's going on with him and why he doesn't want to live any life. He once told me he wanted me to lose the weight b/c he wanted to go out and hike and do other things, but he couldn't b/c of me. I remember arguing that I could and it'd actually be really good for me (I was smaller then) and I'd love to do those things too. He told me lastnight that it was a long time ago when he said that and he doesn't care to go anywhere anymore. The thing is he never went anywhere after he said he wanted to the first time. I do not understand him. I did all the mental work to get past bingeing...but that kind of thing takes took time, but I'm good now.  It also took me years to find out I have Polycistic Ovary Syndrome that was making it near impossible to get past a certain point in my weight loss and he knows that, but it's like he wants to punish me for all the years I haven't been able to lose the weight. I wasn't there mentally or physically and now I'm workin my ass off to get fit...and it's like it doesn't even matter to him. He says it does, but I'm not seeing it.I talked w/ my mom and she told me to go out w/ the kids regardless to make them damn memories even if he doesn't want to be a part of them. So, that's what I will do and I will continue my "getting healthy" process while he decides if he's going to be hot or cold. B/c I'm tired of trying to figure him out.

I replied back to all of you on a post before this one so go check. Again thank you for all your responses. ☺
HOT N COLD by Katy Perry kids and I are gonna live our lives. Hopefully he'll join in along the way....hopefully....

Today we went uptown to the organic farmer's market (yes, found out we have one) so my daughter could be with her fellow 4-H'ers at a booth collecting donations for a community service project. Enoch and I shopped around while she was doing that.
Beautiful produce...

Found out our local arts cousel sponsors the farmer's market in uptown.

Today's spoils...radishes, lettuce, heirloom kale, beets, homemade whole wheat sourdough bread, and orange mint...finally got some of those Vitatops too that I see all over blogs.
Thursday we went to homeschool tennis lessons and then went strawberry picking...

Our hands were pink. ☺☺☺


  1. I could say so much here. But will just add --I TOTALLY get must be a guy thing. Live your life, make your memories.

  2. I hope he comes around but like that you're taking the reigns and going ahead with or without him involved in activities.

    I too need to put a calorie cap on my eating. I'm not progressing at a rate I'd like and it's because I'm eating too much damn food. healthy ... but too much.

    I love all the pics of happy kids and stuff!

    Thanks for the ver. words! I love hearing all of them. Some are so funny.

  3. Sweetie;
    Women know this in marriage and with kids anyways, we have to give the kids experiences, do things, manage things, and they have all the freedoms to come and go whenever they want. I told my husband that one time. "You decide to go play racquetball and you get dressed and go. If I wanted to play racquetball, I have to book it with you ahead of time by a few days so you can be home and watch our son, then I have to feed him, clean him up, get him working on his homework, give a number where I'm going and all this other stuff..." So, I say live the life that is your destiny. Put yourself ahead in time by 15 years and imagine your kids and how they feel about the way you raised them and how they could count on you and how close you are and how you are healthy and comfortable in your own skin and everything you did--you earned it yourself instead of waiting for someone to "provide" it for you. You make your own life. He can ride along or sulk, but never take that happiness from you or your kids. Make memories.

  4. Cutie kids with their pink fingertips. Boys can be so damn frustrating. I kinda have the other problem as my boyfriend has a (useless) psychology degree and always thinks he can diagnose me when I'm just in a bad mood. Sometimes I'm just pissed, you know? We need happy mediums, Kim.

  5. Sounds like you're doing what feels right to you and living life to the fullest. That is the healthiest way for you and yout children. I love all the pictures. Strawberry fingers are the best.

  6. very nice post..moving forward is the way to him keep up. They generally go in a positive direction. I hope he does.
    And yeah...maybe it's a man thing.

  7. Your mom is a smart woman.

    I can't say if it is a man thing or not, but in one of my past relationships, it was me saying that I want to get out and experience life. "Past" relationship, you'll note.

    I already had my life of the TV and working myself into an early retirement/grave.

    You'll just have to let him be him for awhile and not take it personally...he is going through the typical stages towards acceptance. Once there, he may come around.

  8. nice pictures..the strawberry look awesome

  9. First of all you DO rock! I am so proud of the changes you are making. I am wondering if your hubby is threatened bytin the new you. Reassure him and keep going strong! you need to do this for ypou, for your health and for ypur self esteem! Whoo hooo! Thats awesome you lost the bun and are doing more to feel pretty! Thats what my blog is all about! I'm following you!

  10. @ Bringing pretty back--Thanks Kris, I appreciate the follow. I'm going to go over and visit your blog right now. :) There's a lot of dynamics that are playing into my husband being unsupportive right now. I'm holding strong though. :) thanks for the support.

  11. You have to do what you know is best for you. It may take some time, but as he says you getting your life back and enjoying it with the kids, I can't help but think that he will choose to want to be a part of it. His choice. It won't be you dragging him along kicking and screaming. I think you have a lot on your plate right now just to do what you need to do for yourself. You can pray that he will want to be a part of health and wellness journey, once it gets rocking and rolling, but you can't make him. One of the things that I have learned is that the only person you can control is you. And the only time and place you have any power is in the present. The past is gone and the future is still out there. So, rock the NOW.