Hell

So, yesterday was hell. I have TMJ and was in severe pain all day yesterday....and David and I are still fighting. We usually have a rough time once a year around Mother's Day....so that's why I hate Mother's day. This time, things don't feel like they'll let up anytime soon. He came home lastnight all chipper acting like he didn't abandon the argument the night before w/o reconciliation. I tried talking about the issue of him not wanting to live life with us. I asked him why he's went from wanting to do things like hiking and going out years ago to not wanting to do anything with us outside the house anymore. He just told me plain and simple, that was years ago and he's old now and doesn't feel like doing those kind of things. I told him to stop trying to be an old man. His freakin birthday isn't until next month and he's only turning 38...gah! His dad was always old. My husband is the product of a second marriage so his dad had his last kid when he was pushing 60. So, it's like my husband automatically pushes himself into this old man mode that drives me insane. He talks about how he's old now and can't do the same things he used to do...blah blah friggin blah.
  Then he brought up how I'm wanting to spend the money I used to smoke away on Zumba/Yoga classes. He told me he doesn't understand why we can't put that money towards bills. I told him, "Well, why don't YOU quit smoking and put the money towards the bills??". ( He mocked me when I made that suggestion) I want to actually do something positive for myself and if I chose to smoke he'd totally be ok with that money flying to the wind. He then told me I'd have a lot less money very quickly if I knew what he meant. I told him I'd beat him to the punch and NOT to threaten me. He always reminds me of what I "was" before I met him and how bad life would be for me if I didn't have him and his "money" care. Yeah, life would be hard...but I'm thinking it would be for him too if I put in for alimony and child support. URRRRRRGH! And why does he mention this sh** only when he's mad? Why stoop that low when I know he doesn't mean it.
  Then, rather than stay on the topic of him not wanting to live life anymore....he goes into how I've been a slacker with the house lately. Nevermind, I've been in excruciating pain, dealing with paralyzing depression over the realization he's probably got Huntington's, AND homeschooling my daughter while chauffering her to many activities, AND running after my 3yr. old son who's like a tornado. Nevermind, the fact I've been cooking food he likes.....it's all about the friggin laundry. It's only been a month that I've struggled w/ the household chores and normally I usually get the stuff done b/t my daughter and I. Since I homeschool, my daughter and I do chores together b/c it makes life a little simpler considering we're pretty busy. He actually threw it in my face that I get my daughter to help...that made me cry. Then he started walking towards our room when I asked him to keep the noise down b/c I didn't want my kids to hear. He told me he didn't care if they hear. That's when Laurel began crying. I told him. He said he didn't care. I begged him to go outside w/ me and he finally did. We still didn't make up. My daughter told me she was mad at him for some of the things he said. I assured her it wasn't just Daddy's fault and Mommy said some things too and that adults are just as capable of saying/doing the wrong things. I told her Daddy and I will be ok and her giving me a hug would make me feel so much better b/c she was concerned about Daddy making me cry. I told her Daddy didn't make me cry and that it's ok for adults to cry too. She hugged me and I told her how beautiful, caring, and smart she is and not to worry about anything. I told her I'm sure Daddy and I will make up soon.
  Then I went to Wal-Mart late at night....in excrutiating pain to make sure David had things he needed for the next day food wise (aka Hot Fries--"rolling eyes"). Then I came home, made his lunch for work, and I went to sleep in the living room.
  He came home tonight and we didn't say anything to eachother. He kept trying to help me get my son ready for bed and I assured him there was no need for him to help me. God knows I don't want him throwing it up to me later....of course I did not say this....and I wouldn't, but I was thinking it. He tried to act nice the rest of the night but I gave him the cold shoulder to let him know I'm still not ok with what went down lastnight. I gave him a peck kiss and told him, "I still love you even though I'm mad at you." He said, " I love you too" and started giggling about the facemask I had on, but I was out the bedroom door before he could start a conversation w/ me b/c I will not let this go. I will not back down after he belittled me, threatened me, and mocked me. No way in hell.
  I have to admit something. Since I quit smoking, I have cried more in a month than I've cried in a couple years. It is so FREEING! Gosh, ya know, my Dad used to tell us to "Dry it up."  I became an expert at it. No wonder I had such an addictive personality. I used addictions to stuff my emotions. (shaking my head) I will not stuff my emotions down for any man anymore. I'm done with it. I have a right to be healthy. I have a right to be heard. I have the right to be sane. I have THE right to let someone know when I'm not ok with their actions.

(Ok, I realize this has nothing to do w/ weightloss but right now I need an outlet for my emotions so bear with me. It will get better and back to normal programming, but I'm sure there are those of you who've dealt with the same stuff. So, I just want you all to know you're not alone and this is part of the process....finding ourselves and learning to not be doormats even to the ones we love. When we find ourselves and don't allow ourselves to be stomped down, we will gain more confidence to work towards our goals of getting healthy....well that's what I'm doing anyway. And if this is a part of the process, then so be it. I'm in this for life.)

I'm eating pretty sensibly. I ate a lot of veggies today since I have so many on hand right now. I'm still trying to figure out how to make this calorie counting thing work for me...I'll have it down soon and will be back to my normal food logs.

HELL by Tegan and Sara (These girls are from Canada and have been a part of Lilith Fair. They will also be on tour with Paramore on the Honda tour this summer...I think they're great. Music is such a big part of me and I've been trying to figure out how to incorporate it into my blog and finally figured out how to. So, hopefully some of you will enjoy some music you've never heard before and enjoy hearing how artists say things in music that can really relate to life situations. Sometimes music helps me express exactly what I'm feeling...whether it be a title of a song or the lyrics.)


Hell

Tegan and Sara

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