Why and How

I just recently began following Jack Sh*t Getting Fit'sblog...pretty funny stuff coming from that guy. Then he went and asked a bunch of questions that made me think...and when I say "made me think", I mean when I got up this morning and throughout the day. I really didn't intend to write anything about it b/c I think I've posted my "why I got fat" in many places. Then I started thinking that it wouldn't hurt just to say this stuff again.
Why: I'm fat for a lot of reasons. I think most people who deal with obesity do have many reasons for being this way. I was a chubby kid and my dad would put me on diets from the time I was very little. He would make me bring him the scale one a week. I'd always be in tears when he'd ask me to do this b/c I knew what would follow...lots of lectures, sometimes yelling, and he'd say, "Gotta cut back on your chow". I knew that meant they'd bring in cookies and hide them from me so they all could eat them when I wasn't around. Then that started my sneak eating habit. I actually wrote a diary entry the day this began. I had just gotten out of the bathtub, everyone was at the back of the house, and I took 3 cookies and crammed them into my mouth. I wrote about it b/c I was proud of myself for being so sneaky and b/c not getting caught was exhilarating to me (messed up right?). Sneak eating turned into bingeing when no one was looking. My dad would criticize me and I got even by eating (reallly messed up right?). I had an addictive personality in general. Also, I'm pretty sure my genetics have some to do with this too. I think if my parents had paid attention to the fact I was 5yrs. old, chubby and I ate a pretty regular diet, that maybe they would have taken me to a doctor and found out what was wrong with me. Although, I'm pretty sure they didn't know much about PCOS back then.
How: Well, as I've explained in past posts...I've been on many diets, lost weight, and then gained it back with a vengeance. I've been on Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, South Beach, Metabolic Profiling Systems (I lost 80lbs. on this one and learned a lot about natural eating), herbal appetitie suppressants, fat blockers, vegan/raw diet (lasted 3 days...but learned a lot from the classes I took at the place promoting the diet). I know there's more, but I can't think of them.
I finally came to a place when I found out I have PCOS. I found out when I almost miscarried my son. Fortunately the doc caught it, I went on meds and continued my merry life. I didn't really fool w/ weight loss for a long time before and after getting pregnant. I had been on a diet all my life and I knew I had to deal with the emotional/behavioral problems before I could really make a change. It took lots of therapy, lots of opening up to loved ones, forgiving my parents, forgiving my husband, and most of all forgiving myself. I rebuilt relationships that were strained and began to love myself in the place I was at. I finally realized I was ready...ready to make permanant changes. I was so sick of the health problems and depression caused by my own hand and PCOS. So I began losing weight on my own, went to the doc and had her give me the meds I need and have been going full force since then. I do not restrict myself b/c when I do this it brings back the little girl who had cookies hidden from her. I can't be that little girl again. So, I took the word "No" and shoved it. This is the biggest revelation I've ever had in my life and it is THE reason WHY I know I will be successful this time. I have not dreaded one minute of this journey...and that is a first b/c before it always felt like punishment. I feel like I'm truly loving myself for the first time and it feels great. Whew! Ok, that was a lot of typing...glad Jack brought back the funny today. God help me if it was another "thinker". lol ;o)