Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Why and How

I just recently began following Jack Sh*t Getting Fit'sblog...pretty funny stuff coming from that guy. Then he went and asked a bunch of questions that made me think...and when I say "made me think", I mean when I got up this morning and throughout the day. I really didn't intend to write anything about it b/c I think I've posted my "why I got fat" in many places. Then I started thinking that it wouldn't hurt just to say this stuff again.
Why: I'm fat for a lot of reasons. I think most people who deal with obesity do have many reasons for being this way. I was a chubby kid and my dad would put me on diets from the time I was very little. He would make me bring him the scale one a week. I'd always be in tears when he'd ask me to do this b/c I knew what would follow...lots of lectures, sometimes yelling, and he'd say, "Gotta cut back on your chow". I knew that meant they'd bring in cookies and hide them from me so they all could eat them when I wasn't around. Then that started my sneak eating habit. I actually wrote a diary entry the day this began. I had just gotten out of the bathtub, everyone was at the back of the house, and I took 3 cookies and crammed them into my mouth. I wrote about it b/c I was proud of myself for being so sneaky and b/c not getting caught was exhilarating to me (messed up right?). Sneak eating turned into bingeing when no one was looking. My dad would criticize me and I got even by eating (reallly messed up right?). I had an addictive personality in general. Also, I'm pretty sure my genetics have some to do with this too. I think if my parents had paid attention to the fact I was 5yrs. old, chubby and I ate a pretty regular diet, that maybe they would have taken me to a doctor and found out what was wrong with me. Although, I'm pretty sure they didn't know much about PCOS back then.
How: Well, as I've explained in past posts...I've been on many diets, lost weight, and then gained it back with a vengeance. I've been on Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, South Beach, Metabolic Profiling Systems (I lost 80lbs. on this one and learned a lot about natural eating), herbal appetitie suppressants, fat blockers, vegan/raw diet (lasted 3 days...but learned a lot from the classes I took at the place promoting the diet). I know there's more, but I can't think of them.
I finally came to a place when I found out I have PCOS. I found out when I almost miscarried my son. Fortunately the doc caught it, I went on meds and continued my merry life. I didn't really fool w/ weight loss for a long time before and after getting pregnant. I had been on a diet all my life and I knew I had to deal with the emotional/behavioral problems before I could really make a change. It took lots of therapy, lots of opening up to loved ones, forgiving my parents, forgiving my husband, and most of all forgiving myself. I rebuilt relationships that were strained and began to love myself in the place I was at. I finally realized I was ready...ready to make permanant changes. I was so sick of the health problems and depression caused by my own hand and PCOS. So I began losing weight on my own, went to the doc and had her give me the meds I need and have been going full force since then. I do not restrict myself b/c when I do this it brings back the little girl who had cookies hidden from her. I can't be that little girl again. So, I took the word "No" and shoved it. This is the biggest revelation I've ever had in my life and it is THE reason WHY I know I will be successful this time. I have not dreaded one minute of this journey...and that is a first b/c before it always felt like punishment. I feel like I'm truly loving myself for the first time and it feels great. Whew! Ok, that was a lot of typing...glad Jack brought back the funny today. God help me if it was another "thinker". lol ;o)


  1. love the thinking ones though, helps us work through the garbage.
    Thisis the one reason I like to read your blog.
    You have figured out your triggers.
    You know why you are doing this.
    I just have this feeling you are going to make it.

  2. It's so true Chris...that's why I love YOUR blog. lol Oh, and I'm T-TOTALLY gonna make it! I really, really am. :)

  3. Don't worry... the "thinkers" sap alot outta me, so I rarely do 'em back to back.

    Very powerful, thought-provoking post, Kim. I think getting to a good place in our own heads is the key to making any meaningful progress on this journey.