~Kimbo Wimbo the Rebellious~

This was originally going to be a comment to a post on Escape From Obesity . I've had many revelations due to Lyn's blog. I had one tonight, but then I realized I was writing too much, so I thought I'd just make it a blog entry instead. I hope you don't mind Lyn. Your posts always provoke so many thoughts in me...well, many people for that matter. Here's the post that got me thinking: Food as a Pleasure Source

I think so many of us can relate to this post. I think I resisted wanting to change for so long b/c I was so sick of people telling me what I shouldn't and couldn't eat. I was put on a diet when I was a child and pretty much have lived most of my life in a cycle of getting ready to diet, dieting, researching diets, and gaining it all back + more. For me, it was always a control issue. I depended on that control is the crazy thing about it. After all the emotional repair, dealing with my bingeing, forgiving those who hurt me....I still felt like dieting was a controlling enemy that kept me and the food I love, apart from eachother. I finally said "To hell with it" for a few years b/c I was so sick of even  thinking about dieting or a "life change" blah blah blah. Of course, I gained a friggin ton of weight, but I had time to realize that I CAN make decisions for myself without them turning into a train wreck. So, I  decided for me, that restrictions have to go out the window. No quiet inner voices, old diet plans or ghosty voices from diet instructor's past will restrict me anymore. It's myself and myself only that will tell me if I can have the damn brownie or not. If I really want the brownie and it will cause me bad feelings to not have it...then I eat it. If I feel stupid for eating it afterward, then I simply take responsibility and move on. (Your whole post on not having to sabotage the whole day just b/c of one mistake really helped me btw). Then I feel satisfied b/c I know I'll be able to have it again, but I know that my body will treat me better if I stay away from brownies for a while. I think this is the first time ever in my life, that I haven't dreaded the weight loss process and I think it's simply b/c of  not restricting myself. I think I just spent too many years being controlled by outside influences and just didn't realize that rebellious child in me wanted to hold the reigns for a while. I never let her take the reigns (for any positive reason), b/c I was always told that she couldn't make good choices. The rebellious child in me was so sick of being told that loving food was a bad thing. (I mean, after all food comforted me during the hard times.) So, of course she was hurt by this and she'd use any opportunity (my weak times, my emotional times, my didn't give a crap times) to come to the surface and eat out of control. It's kind of like telling a child "No" and they automatically do what what you said no to just b/c they can and it's a test of limitations. My 3yr. old hates the word "No", but I found if I give him another option, or tell him we can come back to whatever it is he wants at another time....he is ok with it. I do this for myself now. Since I do this for myself now, I feel like food is no longer at the forefront of my mind. I can finally enjoy extra activities, parties, friends, and hobbies without thinking "What will I eat?" or "Ugh...there will be fatty food there and I'm really gonna want it, but I can't have it." For me it was my inner child. Heh, I never thought about it that way. I think loving every part of me, warts and all, is one of the best feelings in the world. Even loving my inner rebellious child is good and letting her enjoy food for pleasure can be good as well...as long as I put the other options out there too and keep balanced. I think I'll give her a name...a name my mom called me when I was little; Kimbo Wimbo. ☺ Wow! It's amazing how your posts make people think. It's amazing how many revelations I've had simply by reading your blog. Thank you Lyn. ☺☺☺