I know I said I'd blog soon.....but honestly I just couldn't. Too much going on in my head....too much to feel ashamed of....too much confusion. If I've learned anything from this whole situation, I've learned there is no handbook to deal with this kind of situation. I've also learned that I should never be surprised by stupid things people say.
The night after he told me he cheated, I told him he needed to move to his dad's for a little while. My girlfriend Amy came over to stay with me....3 bottles of wine in hand. She drank a whole bottle while I had 2 glasses....which was ok with me b/c she does funny things when she's a bit tipsy....like riding my son's tricycle around the kitchen. lol Yes, she's my 38yr. old tricycle riding friend.....and I love her. We laughed together for most of the night, but then when I tried to go to bed, I saw all the empty drawers David had left behind and it made me cry. She held me....tight.
David and I still talked over the next few days. On the third night we talked a lot. He told me he was willing to do whatever it takes to win me back. I told him he had to get help until he no longer needs it, to get tested for STD's, and get a cellphone which was his idea. Then there was lots of kissing....lots of kissing and other stuff. I let him come home. I told him I needed room to breathe so I went to the beach...
It was my son's first time seeing the ocean. We had an oceanfront room on the 7th floor. I spent a lot of time on that balcony at night with a glass of wine in my hand....listening to sad music...singing my heart out from the balcony. My brother was with me for the first two days so I spent a lot of time on the shore at night looking at the moon over the ocean....crying salty tears...like the ocean.
I enjoyed the time spent with my babies....it was magical....when I wasn't thinking about him...
He was scared I'd change my mind when I came back. He was not doing well. My sister in law checked in on me a lot more than him though. (smile) I had a lot of support from friends and some family....also had lots of voices telling me what I should do. It was all very confusing.
I came back and still had a lot of wishy washiness going on. All of it was very confusing for me.....I'm a battered woman. Well, this week I told him I needed him to move back to his dad's for a little while b/c I don't make good decisions while he's around. He understood. I wanted him out this weekend b/c I took the kids to stay in Charlotte for a few days with family. I needed time to myself...time to work on my house...b/c it's a mess and I needed to get other things done. David and I agreed we'd go out together on Friday night and then the next day he'd be gone. Well, at the end of last week his tooth began hurting him. He had a root canal done on the one next to it and now he's got another getting infected. So, he was in pain. I urged him to call the doc before the holiday weekend, but he said he'd give it a few days. I knew it'd get worse. He told me he'd move out the beginning of this week. I told him I wouldn't have sent the kids away if I knew he'd be staying. He said he'd take them over to his dad's for a few days so he could spend time with them while I had "my time". Well, today he woke up with a lowgrade fever and his tonsels hurting him. The infection moved. He said, "I'm sorry I messed up your weekend plans....I guess I won't be able to move out for another few days." I told him I couldn't hide the fact that I'm a little ticked off. He also hasn't called any counselors or made an appointment for an STD test....I told him he should have already made some calls by now. It's been 3 weeks. He's been working long hours....but 5 minutes is all it would take to make at least one appointment for something...somewhere. He got angry....called me a nag....mocked me. Then he told me he would leave me. He packed his shit...took my damn TV...and the Xbox so now I can't watch the TV or netflix on his Xbox. Asshole. I told him this is it....once he's gone....that's it. I gave him his last chance and he effed it up. So...he's gone. No more chances....no more anything.
I talked with a battered women's shelter yesterday and they approved me in a heartbeat. They offer counseling, classes, job placement....and a whole lot more. So, when I named this blog...I had no clue that there'd be a time when I'd literally have to start from the bottom up trying to save my life. I'm going to start saving my life....now...more than I ever have. I'm heartbroken, washed up, used up. Time to start filling up with good things. It'll be hard. I used this song in a blog a little while back and I listen to it almost everyday. It's my life raft.