The night after he told me he cheated, I told him he needed to move to his dad's for a little while. My girlfriend Amy came over to stay with me....3 bottles of wine in hand. She drank a whole bottle while I had 2 glasses....which was ok with me b/c she does funny things when she's a bit tipsy....like riding my son's tricycle around the kitchen. lol Yes, she's my 38yr. old tricycle riding friend.....and I love her. We laughed together for most of the night, but then when I tried to go to bed, I saw all the empty drawers David had left behind and it made me cry. She held me....tight.
It was my son's first time seeing the ocean. We had an oceanfront room on the 7th floor. I spent a lot of time on that balcony at night with a glass of wine in my hand....listening to sad music...singing my heart out from the balcony. My brother was with me for the first two days so I spent a lot of time on the shore at night looking at the moon over the ocean....crying salty tears...like the ocean.
He was scared I'd change my mind when I came back. He was not doing well. My sister in law checked in on me a lot more than him though. (smile) I had a lot of support from friends and some family....also had lots of voices telling me what I should do. It was all very confusing.
I came back and still had a lot of wishy washiness going on. All of it was very confusing for me.....I'm a battered woman. Well, this week I told him I needed him to move back to his dad's for a little while b/c I don't make good decisions while he's around. He understood. I wanted him out this weekend b/c I took the kids to stay in Charlotte for a few days with family. I needed time to myself...time to work on my house...b/c it's a mess and I needed to get other things done. David and I agreed we'd go out together on Friday night and then the next day he'd be gone. Well, at the end of last week his tooth began hurting him. He had a root canal done on the one next to it and now he's got another getting infected. So, he was in pain. I urged him to call the doc before the holiday weekend, but he said he'd give it a few days. I knew it'd get worse. He told me he'd move out the beginning of this week. I told him I wouldn't have sent the kids away if I knew he'd be staying. He said he'd take them over to his dad's for a few days so he could spend time with them while I had "my time". Well, today he woke up with a lowgrade fever and his tonsels hurting him. The infection moved. He said, "I'm sorry I messed up your weekend plans....I guess I won't be able to move out for another few days." I told him I couldn't hide the fact that I'm a little ticked off. He also hasn't called any counselors or made an appointment for an STD test....I told him he should have already made some calls by now. It's been 3 weeks. He's been working long hours....but 5 minutes is all it would take to make at least one appointment for something...somewhere. He got angry....called me a nag....mocked me. Then he told me he would leave me. He packed his shit...took my damn TV...and the Xbox so now I can't watch the TV or netflix on his Xbox. Asshole. I told him this is it....once he's gone....that's it. I gave him his last chance and he effed it up. So...he's gone. No more chances....no more anything.
I talked with a battered women's shelter yesterday and they approved me in a heartbeat. They offer counseling, classes, job placement....and a whole lot more. So, when I named this blog...I had no clue that there'd be a time when I'd literally have to start from the bottom up trying to save my life. I'm going to start saving my life....now...more than I ever have. I'm heartbroken, washed up, used up. Time to start filling up with good things. It'll be hard. I used this song in a blog a little while back and I listen to it almost everyday. It's my life raft.
Kim,
ReplyDeleteHave you ever seen a ledge that looked solid but you stepped on it...it crumbles and continues to crumble until you hit solid rock.
Well, it's kind of like that.
You started getting better, and he started to crumble. All of the ledge was rotten before you ever stepped on it. But you were always scooting around the edges, trying not to put any pressure on it.
The only good thing about this and it is probably the most important thing..is that every thing around you now is real.
Everything left is solid. Your friends, your family, your kids and you.
All solid.
Now talk to God, and build on a real foundation.
And never forget to value yourself, never accept anything less than what you deserve...(and if you wonder what it is you deserve...look at your daughter and think "What does she deserve?"...then apply it to yourself)
And move forward. We are all here rooting you on.
Thanks Chris.
ReplyDeleteKim, great advice there from Chris. I was married many years ago to a verbal abuser and became quite fearful of leaving him. Each time I'd try to he'd act repentant for a while, till it got too onerous, and then he'd have to get the power back by treating me badly again. The day I learned not to be afraid of what was to come, to leap, seemingly without a net (guess what? There was a net!) - that was when I knew he'd never have that power over me again.
ReplyDelete*hugs* Please let me know if I can help you out.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you, Kim. I know you hurt, I know it's difficult, but I am so so proud of you.
I've read the above comments and they are both true. I, too, was married to a verbal abuser and the deal is this: they don't change. I stuck it out way too long. He could change for short periods of time, but as soon as he felt comfortable, he reverted back. Or as soon as he hit his max, he was back to being that same guy. In his case, it was three months, which was just long enough to make me think that maybe he really had changed and then...bang... he was that same old abusive guy he was before.
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry that you have had to go through all of this, but it sounds like you have done what you needed to do to get started again. You have friends and family supporting you. And, as Chris pointed out, everything in your life now is real. What a relief to finally know what is real and what isn't. Hang on because this is something that will get better with time!
Thanks guys for your encouraging words. :)
ReplyDelete