I originally wrote this post last week, but changed my mind last minute and now I'm changing it again. Hope you enjoy the read. This conversation took place b/t my mother and I. It ended w/ a phone call.....her still pushing me to save my marriage.
My mother sent this email to me yesterday....then I replied to her. My letter feels sane...hope I don't do anything to contradict myself. The thing about this kind of situation is that you're always questioning yourself.
I haven't had a chance to talk to you since yesterday but Kim, please trust what you Mom is saying to you right now and that is to not make any decisions regarding you and David right now. Not while your emotions are so torn. I tell you this because I have been there, and my best advise that when you dont know what the best decisions are for your self that you should not make any decisions other than let things be the way they are right now. Let David stay away for a while like he is, which was what you were going to do anyway, and you just stay where you are right now with the kids, in your home and start refocusing on you and the kids well being. There is no need for you to make fast decisions on what is going on right now and if any of your friends are pushing you to do that please dont listen to them. You are talking about your kids future and any decision you make right now will effect their whole life so take your time. And for the record I do not believe that David does not love you. He told you that because he was angry and when someone is angry they think of ways to lash out and hurt you. That also could just been his way to make an exit from things right now because he cant handle the pressure of all of it. I would not say it is over yet.
I love you Kim and I hope you will trust some of what I am saying to you because I have been there!
Could anyone blame me for my inability to NOT stay confused???? These are the two emails I sent in reply:
Oh, and P.S.- Sorry for all the run-on sentences...I was fuming just a little...a teensy bit.
Thank you for caring. However, I never told you that David doesn't love me. I will say all of his actions in the past little while have spoken otherwise. First off, he has physically abused me a few times since we've been married. The last time he did it, he was going for my neck. Do I know for sure he wouldn't have hurt me seriously? No I don't and no one else does either. I took his keys away from him b/c I was afraid of him getting into a wreck or staying gone for days.....which he has done before. He had a couple hours to cool down after that, but he didn't....two hours to cool off and come to his senses. But no, after I gave him his keys.....he drove 30 minutes to Gastonia where he picked up a prostitute off the street....a crack whore to be more exact. I know this b/c I found out which one he was with. She does very many men a night.....most of which are crack addicts themselves...maybe heroin too. Diseases....I have to worry about diseases now b/c of what he did....and b/c of me being stupid and letting him in my bed again. Not to mention, he could've gotten arrested....boy wouldn't that have been interesting to have to bail my husband out of jail for getting a BJ from a crack whore. It was entirely possible b/c there's cops all over that area and they arrest that particular prostitute all the time. So, he risked his career too. Then I let him come home telling him to get help until he no longer needed help and that it needed to be soon. (Most women at this point...after the physical, mental, and verbal abuse would have left) But no, I let him come home and he agreed to my terms. It's been 3 and 1/2 weeks (almost a month!) and he still hasn't made an appointment. When I mentioned that to him, he got mad and told me "I told you I'd do it on my own time". So here I am again.....having to give into him one more time....but no...I stuck to my guns and he walked out on me. He told me he was done. He told me he was done twice yesterday and once today. But then we talked some more....me crying....me reminding him of the good stuff. He asks, "Well what do you want me to do Kim???!!!!", in his exasperated tone....like I'm the one with all the big problems. He says my problems are complaining too much, expecting him to jump on things I ask him to do right away w/o giving him the same courtesy....oh, and the housework came up again. Oh, and he still keeps reminding me I threw a book at him and that's pretty much equal to what he did. Yes, definitely issues on my end.....but when you compare all of what I've had to deal with on his end versus my end, doesn't it sound really silly for me to even feel bad about my crap? But I do....b/c he makes sure that I do....then I start questioning if that is enough to send a man over the edge causing all of the abuse and then the cheating. Then I catch myself trying to meet HIS demands in all of this. I actually question it.....and then I remember the definition of an "enabler".
1.One who helps something to happen.
2.One that enables another to achieve an end, especially one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behaviour (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by helping that individual avoid the consequences of such behavior.
3.One who gives someone else the power to behave in a certain way.
I give him the power to behave in a certain way....the excuses too. You were an enabler to Dad for many years then you left that relationship for a different kind of dysfunctional one. He's an alcoholic who won't admit it. You leave him, and he straightens up for a while (much like David does) and once you get back with him....he begins the cycle all over again.
To be an enabler it takes being delusional. We take what are truly bad (super BAD!!) behaviors and make them seem smaller than what they are b/c in the end.....we're afraid of being alone. You were afraid of what life would be like for your kids. I am too, but the alternative......living in abuse indefinitely not ever truly knowing which time will be the last time (b/c they always say they'll change), but they DON"T...rarely ever. So, my kids see me getting abused (just like I saw you getting abused and like I was abused too) and they'll grow up and think it's ok b/c I chose to stay......for them....which is the insanity of it b/c keeping them here will hurt them and me. One day he might get his hands back on my throat...maybe he won't kill me....maybe he will. Maybe he'll cheat again and have full intercourse next time and not tell me about it. Maybe I'll contract HIV. Maybe he'll get help and it'll work.....but in 9 years that I've been trying to get him to get help....it hasn't worked so far. He'd basically have to change into a different person entirely for me to consider EVER taking him back. So...hmm....what are the odds. Did dad change after you left? Hmmm.
OR....I could get a divorce, get my butt back in school....get a dental hygeniest certification or something....get a job....keep my kids from unhealthy situations....nurture them the way they oughta be and show them to never settle....never settle for someone who harms you over and over again.
Mom, I love you...and I know you're scared for me...and you should be, but NOT b/c of the divorce. Also, I think maybe you need to think long and hard about the things Dad did to you. I could help remind you, but I don't think I have to. You may experience financial hardship and lonliness...amongst some other things, but you'll never have to be abused by Dad again b/c you chose to get out. I hope you use the same sound judgement with Bill....b/c I think you've forgotten some things about where you came from. I don't mean that offensively...I promise. I'm just being honest. I love you Mom.
Oh, and no one pressured me into anything mom. I am my own person. I can make decisions, but ya know what....my friends are great. They don't keep telling me to go back to my abusive husband...which is nice. My friends who I've spoken to about this situation remain neutral even though I know what they'd do if it had've been them. It's been my family who has pressured me the most.
When I say my friends have been neutral....I mean my closest friends....and they let me know how they felt about the situation, but supported me no matter what.
So, what do you guys think about this? I definitely need therapy....gah...I hate new baggage!!
Ya know, several years ago my mom saw me going through some of the same stuff with David and she asked me, "What happened to my feisty girl?" Well, I think my feistiness is making a return. Don't I deserve to one day find someone who'll love me for who I am and will accept all the love I have to give w/o hurting me in the process? There's a lot of love there.....it's just been directed to the wrong person.
She replied again and I deleted it b/c I wasn't sure if I'd post this anyway. She basically told me I am like my dad. She told me I got my conversationalist skills from him and was able to turn this conversation around onto her. I tried to explain that it wasn't my purpose. Heck, I thought more than anything I was finally admitting I'm an enabler...but she skipped over that part. I just wanted to remind her where she came from....where WE came from. She just kept telling me I shouldn't have hidden the keys from him. (sigh) Oh well.