Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Ya know, I figured something out...

Since my post from earlier today, I had my long talk with David. And, I think I've figured something out. Well, ok, let me back up. After saying I don't like to put my problems off on "non-listeners" and preferring not to burden other people b/c of their stuff they've got going on....I decided to experiment. I had to go to a friend's house today for my daughter to receive some sewing instruction. Well, while my daughter and my friend's daughter were in a few rooms over working, my friend and I sat at her table eating fruit (They're vegetarian farmers...they've always got super healthy I told her the situation with my father's house and she actually asked me some questions about the, I thought...."Hmm...very interesting...she's listening and giving me feedback."  Well, me being sleepy, sad, pitiful and all...before I knew it, I was talking to her about the Huntington's. She was I figured she would be...since so few people know little about my personal life. Like I said before, I'm usually the listener or the "interested" questioner....not the unloader. She had questions and she's pretty smart so she asked the question that a lot of people don't think to ask. That is, " So, if David has it and it's genetic....that means Enoch could have it too right??". I told her if David has it, that ups my son's chance of having it by 50%. She got a little quiet after that. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I've decided, I like my privacy....and I don't like sharing things with people that I have to see often. I know that'll be the first thing she thinks about the next time she sees me now. I can't take that. So, I will be totally content to talk about "my stuff" with people who I don't have to see everyday and people I never see. It's just easier....easier than talking to my husband actually.
  Yeah, talked to David tonight. He's been pissy at me all day long as he's been for a little while now...well we've both been. I tried really hard today though and I pointed that out. I told him I just wish he'd tell me what he's mad about. He told me, "Nothing." I swear he's like a chic's so annoying. I told him once more, " David, I'm not dumb, you're aggravated with me at every turn today...what is up with you??" He says, "Fine, ya want me to be honest huh? You've neglected things around the house here lately and that homeschool group has been sucking the life out of you."  By this time, I'm wanting to laugh b/c I've been over the homeschool group thing for many days now. lol. He eaves dropped on a conversation I was having with a friend today about a situation involving someone from "the group", b/c he can never ASK me what's going on in my life, but if I tell him what's going on in my life....he says I tell him too much and he wishes I wouldn't tell him about my life. So, I tell him bits and pieces, but I keep huge chunks to myself b/c I know he doesn't want to know about it. I simply look at it as another marriage compromise to keep the peace. Then I proceeded to tell him, " I take responsibility for slacking off here lately, but I'll tell you what's been eating me."  I started talking to him about Huntington's and his response is "Well duh Kim. I've been trying to tell you all these years I think I have it."  I wanted to slap him for acting so arrogant. I told him up until now he hasn't exhibited symptoms and he told me I don't know the half of it, but ya don't see HIM worrying about what he said. I was crying, and I asked "How could I not worry about this?? How do I not grieve over this when it's finally becoming a real possibility that I'll lose you?? How do I not worry when I have no clue how I'll take care of me and the kids? How do I not worry when I could lose my heart?" He stayed so straight faced like nothing phased him. At that point, I was crying a lot and began apologizing for the way I feel. How retarded am I? I do this a lot.....apologize for my feelings to people...apologize for the way I am. It's a HUGE flaw that I intend on fixing very soon by the way. He eventually tried to reassure me we still don't know 100% positive that he has Huntington's.  I took it...b/c I didn't want to talk anymore about it. Then we revisited him not wanting to know what's going on in my life. I said, " David your best friend complains all the time about his work issues to you and you listen. Why is it you can listen to him but not me?" He said, " Well, he just needs to vent." I just looked straight at him wide eyed....and he says, " OH, ok...point taken."  Jeezus. I told him it feels like he just doesn't like me and he said he'd try harder to be a better listener. I told him I'd get the friggin laundry done. the moment I was feeling just positively exasperated....he says, "Thanks for the nice conversation and thanks for not getting a tone with me."  I dumbfoundedly said, " Uh, yeah thank you too." He smiled, and left the room. I started crying again b/c I really get tired of trying to figure out my husband who acts like he's 15yrs. old emotionally. I haven't cried this much in years....years I tell you. God I want a cigarette...I hate crying. Don't worry....I won't do it. (sigh) I foresee another long night. I am taking myself out tomorrow....with nobody else except me, myself, and I. Gonna go see Robin Hood, maybe sit in my car reading....or something else highly therapeutic...maybe a nature walk at the Greenway.


  1. most men act 15 years old emotionally. If they can't 'fix' it they don't want to deal with it.
    reading a book can really help.
    I hope you feel better.

  2. So true Chris...especially about the "fix" it part. Gah. Thanks for checking on me sweetie. I'm sorry I'm not being a great follower right now. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow...I can hope. Right?

  3. I can't speak on behalf of the gender, but I know that I'm different. In fact, I would say my wife is more like your husband. She can be a bit self-centered at times and wants to share her stuff, but rarely asks about mine or interrupts me when I share because it reminds her about something she wants to say too.

    I don't know much about Huntington's so I can't give much thought there...but if he won't provide you support, there simply have to be groups out there specifically for spouses who have to care for loved ones with Huntington's or similar conditions. That would be my next stop.

  4. Kyle, I can totally tell you do not fit in with the "most" of men. I probably should have reworded that in my comment, b/c I truly do not believe all men or men in general are incapable of talking about feelings. I personally only know a few men that are very mature emotionally and I do know a LOT of women who are not mature emotionally. So, ya know, like you were saying it does go both ways.
    Eventually, if it really looks like Huntington's is going to be a reality for us, I most likely will try to find a support group. That's a good idea I've thought about before too. Huntington's is a condition where a person just deteriorates ever so slowly physically and mentally. Imagine Parkinson's and Alzheimer's together. There can be violent outbursts. They eventually start burning so many calories that it's impossible for them to hold weight. My brother in law got super super skinny. He'd have to drink black coffee to get food down. Eventually he went on a soft diet at a nursing home but one day he really wanted solid food so he reached over to another guys plate, stole his food, and choked to death on it. If that gives you a better picture of what it's like. Eventually they can't eat, walk, think, talk, stand. Then you have to decide on a feeding tube. My husband has always told me never to get a feeding tube for him...he wouldn't want to live that way. Can't say I blame him at all.

  5. I am so sorry you are gong through this. It sounds like you need a support system outside of the family. Perhaps a church group or a support group for his disease or individual counseling.
    My prayers are with you.

  6. Kim,

    The emotionally 15 year old thing... pretty standard on all models! :0)

    I can feel ya girl. With Kevin being gone all but about 6 days of the month, it is hard communicating. And sometimes, when I'm just irked with him, it seems unfair that I have to 'act' like everything is okay, just because he is out of town most of the time... believe it or not, they STILL do stupid shit when they are out of town! LOL

    Love ya and hope to commiserate with you soon!