Since my post from earlier today, I had my long talk with David. And, I think I've figured something out. Well, ok, let me back up. After saying I don't like to put my problems off on "non-listeners" and preferring not to burden other people b/c of their stuff they've got going on....I decided to experiment. I had to go to a friend's house today for my daughter to receive some sewing instruction. Well, while my daughter and my friend's daughter were in a few rooms over working, my friend and I sat at her table eating fruit (They're vegetarian farmers...they've always got super healthy snacks...lol). I told her the situation with my father's house and she actually asked me some questions about the situation...so, I thought...."Hmm...very interesting...she's listening and giving me feedback." Well, me being sleepy, sad, pitiful and all...before I knew it, I was talking to her about the Huntington's. She was shocked...as I figured she would be...since so few people know little about my personal life. Like I said before, I'm usually the listener or the "interested" questioner....not the unloader. She had questions and she's pretty smart so she asked the question that a lot of people don't think to ask. That is, " So, if David has it and it's genetic....that means Enoch could have it too right??". I told her if David has it, that ups my son's chance of having it by 50%. She got a little quiet after that. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I've decided, I like my privacy....and I don't like sharing things with people that I have to see often. I know that'll be the first thing she thinks about the next time she sees me now. I can't take that. So, I will be totally content to talk about "my stuff" with people who I don't have to see everyday and people I never see. It's just easier....easier than talking to my husband actually.
Yeah, talked to David tonight. He's been pissy at me all day long as he's been for a little while now...well we've both been. I tried really hard today though and I pointed that out. I told him I just wish he'd tell me what he's mad about. He told me, "Nothing." I swear he's like a chic sometimes...it's so annoying. I told him once more, " David, I'm not dumb, you're aggravated with me at every turn today...what is up with you??" He says, "Fine, ya want me to be honest huh? You've neglected things around the house here lately and that homeschool group has been sucking the life out of you." By this time, I'm wanting to laugh b/c I've been over the homeschool group thing for many days now. lol. He eaves dropped on a conversation I was having with a friend today about a situation involving someone from "the group", b/c he can never ASK me what's going on in my life, but if I tell him what's going on in my life....he says I tell him too much and he wishes I wouldn't tell him about my life. So, I tell him bits and pieces, but I keep huge chunks to myself b/c I know he doesn't want to know about it. I simply look at it as another marriage compromise to keep the peace. Then I proceeded to tell him, " I take responsibility for slacking off here lately, but I'll tell you what's been eating me." I started talking to him about Huntington's and his response is "Well duh Kim. I've been trying to tell you all these years I think I have it." I wanted to slap him for acting so arrogant. I told him up until now he hasn't exhibited symptoms and he told me I don't know the half of it, but ya don't see HIM worrying about it....is what he said. I was crying, and I asked "How could I not worry about this?? How do I not grieve over this when it's finally becoming a real possibility that I'll lose you?? How do I not worry when I have no clue how I'll take care of me and the kids? How do I not worry when I could lose my heart?" He stayed so straight faced like nothing phased him. At that point, I was crying a lot and began apologizing for the way I feel. How retarded am I? I do this a lot.....apologize for my feelings to people...apologize for the way I am. It's a HUGE flaw that I intend on fixing very soon by the way. He eventually tried to reassure me we still don't know 100% positive that he has Huntington's. I took it...b/c I didn't want to talk anymore about it. Then we revisited him not wanting to know what's going on in my life. I said, " David your best friend complains all the time about his work issues to you and you listen. Why is it you can listen to him but not me?" He said, " Well, he just needs to vent." I just looked straight at him wide eyed....and he says, " OH, ok...point taken." Jeezus. I told him it feels like he just doesn't like me and he said he'd try harder to be a better listener. I told him I'd get the friggin laundry done. Then....at the moment I was feeling just positively exasperated....he says, "Thanks for the nice conversation and thanks for not getting a tone with me." I dumbfoundedly said, " Uh, yeah thank you too." He smiled, and left the room. I started crying again b/c I really get tired of trying to figure out my husband who acts like he's 15yrs. old emotionally. I haven't cried this much in years....years I tell you. God I want a cigarette...I hate crying. Don't worry....I won't do it. (sigh) I foresee another long night. I am taking myself out tomorrow....with nobody else except me, myself, and I. Gonna go see Robin Hood, maybe sit in my car reading....or something else highly therapeutic...maybe a nature walk at the Greenway.