Reality Bites

I've been avoiding this post like a plague. It makes me have butterflies in my stomach and it makes my stomach knot up all at the same time. I have this choking sensation in my throat...b/c the words want to come out, but I'm ashamed of the words. I admitted to my current feelings on some things to a friend last week and was shocked at my selfishness and the changes I'm going through.....that's when I took a drag off a cigarette and threw it away (That was the only time people...I swear).
   Back in June 2001, I met my husband David. We met on a cheesy phone dating service (yep that's how we losers do it :-D). Our meeting was going to be a little awkward b/c on my phone ad, I was looking for a guy with hair and he wasn't into fat chicks. lmao I wasn't sure what to make of him when we met b/c he seemed so straight faced, but he told me later at dinner he wanted to hug me right after he met me. (smiles) He then went on to "lay things on the table". He told me he had never dated a "bigger" girl before, but I held it well and he knew I'd lose it along the way. ha ha. As for me, I was just amazed that any guy would be interested in me...I was a single mom...a fat, poor, single mom. Well, his last sentence before we left the restaurant was, "I was kinda thinkin this could be like a first date and you and me might hold hands...and then maybe later I can kiss you." He was very forward to say the least. So, we left the restaurant hand in hand and then I layed a big kiss on his cheek. Our next date was similar, but this time when we got back to his truck, he became very serious. He told me about a disease called Huntington's and told me how his mother died from it when she was 54 and he was 18. He told me there'd be a 50% chance he'd have it and he wanted me to research it for myself....then come back later and make a decision on whether I wanted to continue things with him. I told him right then that all our days are numbered and everyday we walk out the door is potentially a health hazard and that I didn't need to decide on anything. I wanted to continue our relationship. We went through the normal "before" conversations...like we wanted to have a couple of kids together eventually. He really wanted a son.
  Later on after we'd been married for a while, I told him I'd like to get started on the baby making. He told me he no longer wished to have children together. He told me he knew he had Huntington's and he just didn't want to have a child. Of course, this just crushed me b/c I wanted more babies...and I'd tell him there's absolutely no way he could possibly know that early...that he'd have Huntington's. Eventually, he changed his mind, but he was always back and forth. I finally had it, and told him we should take a break from trying. It was that month I got pregnant....even though I had almost decided that I didn't want to have kids with him anymore. Well, I almost miscarried my son, but God willing...and with proper meds...I was able to give birth to our son Enoch. It was Enoch that brought my marriage to a whole new level with David. I don't think we loved eachother the same before we had a baby together. Well, of course...the front thing on my mind was the possibility of my son having Huntington's. It always has been. Then my husband's half brother died from Huntington's. I took care of him for a little while...I still remember having to clean crap off my toilet b/c he couldn't hold still. Then recently, my husband's cousin died from Huntington's. She was 50....still looked so young in her picture.
  Then a couple of weeks ago, we were putting out our garden. It was in the mid 70's. My husband was watching me plant. He was holding a soda can while I was taking a break on our porch. His arm was shaking...not like a fast shaking, but the sway I saw in his brother's arms when he first had Huntington's. I didn't think before speaking, but I said, "Honey...your arm...why's it shaking?". He had a blank look on his face for just like 2 seconds..but I saw it, and he said, "I'm just cold." even though he immediately stopped his arm from shaking and I didn't see his teeth chatter even once. Over the years, one thing I learned about my husband is that he doesn't answer questions fast at all. I just thought it was b/c he had to concentrate on listening, but the silence in between question and answer gets longer and longer. There's just things I see...and I feel like I know...I know what's coming. Then I ask myself, "What did I get myself into??". If he does have it, I maybe have 8-10 good years left with him...if that, since he has some symptoms showing early. Then it could take another 8 years for him to die...although it seems like in his family people only have it up to 4-6yrs. Although, his brother actually died from choking on food...his death was still caused by the Huntington's.
  I'm a caregiver...it's one of my character traits, but I'm scared as hell about what the future holds. I've lived my life making hard choice after hard choice and sometimes I just want to ask, "Why do I choose the hard road in everything?"  It's so selfish...but, then I start thinking. I think, I married a man that deals with racism...deeper than I ever realized before (I live in the south and my husband's father is 89--if you're wondering what could be the catalyst). Then I think, he spent the first half of our marriage calling me "fat" names and making me feel horrible about myself. Then I think, we fell in love b/c we had our faith in common and I'm just now realizing for the first time in my life....that I'm not sure if I have a faith. Don't get me wrong, I have been at the center of many issues earlier in our marriage. I had a ton of baggage. Also, there are other racist people in my life that I have to love and have to remember what past they came from. My tolerance knows no bounds...believe you me...it's the only way I survive. My husband admits it's a flaw even...though he also says he just can't change it.  I think it's a cop out, and I think it's his fear of dissapointing his father...b/c my husband has a very diverse group of friends.
   Now I want to improve myself....and live life....and he wants to stay at home. I used to have to beg for new clothes and now I just don't ask him very often anymore. I take charge and am more confident...and I think it threatens him, but I don't think he realizes if I don't do this, then I won't be able to take care of him when he's dieing. I love him...and sometimes I wonder how we've made it work this far. How even though we are polar opposites, we fiercely love eachother. He's a wonderful father and he loves me in ways I've never experienced. He's thoughtful a lot of the time nowadays and helped me learn the value of "me" time. Just the other night, I layed in bed...he reached over, grabbed my arm, pulled it around him and squeezed it to him like a teddy bear. How could I not want to take care of this man? Then I wonder why I'm having such a weak moment...being overwhelmed by the reality that my husband probably has a terminal illness. I know people are supposed to act brave and be selfless and be compassionate when something hits them hard like this. I want to hide in a closet....or a never ending pan of brownies. I told a girlfriend last week about what I've been feeling and she told me she had no doubt I'd take very good care of David if he gets sick. Why can't I see this myself? I have felt so blocked...it would be so easy to crawl back into myself, but I know I can't and won't. Normally, I would have turned to faith and God through all of this, but over the years I've seen the mark of religion and what it leaves behind...and this is coming from a girl who was a missionary for a short time. I just can't subscribe to my old beliefs anymore. I think there's a God....but I just don't think he's the one I was taught about all these years. Why would God care if I wear skirts or not? Why wouldn't he want me to show love to a person who is scared to death of admitting their homosexuality to their parents? Why would God tell me to be meek and mild...when these two things go against my very essence? Why would God let silly women believe He took their side b/c the vote went through for an amendment change in my homeschool group that basically only allows certain denominations to run the group? Why would God be against my husband getting a vasectomy b/c we no longer wish to take a risk of having kids he might not be able to raise with me and and having kids who might get a really bad disease? Yes, I'm faced with these issues everyday with the believers I'm surrounded by. I just can't subscribe to this anymore...I haven't in a long time now. The jig is up. Admitting these 2 things....losing my faith and being scared to death of taking care of a dieing husband....are the two hardest things I've ever admitted. I had been thinking them for a while...but just didn't say it. Because saying it, would make it reality....and reality bites.
   Please don't judge me. I think everyone of us thinks about things we'd have people believe never touch the surface our mind, but alas...it does happen. I'm having my moment right now. I needed to get it out, so I can figure out how to proceed and needed to get it out so I can move again...b/c I was stuck.