Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Loving Myself and Apr. 30th Food Log

I'm still nicotine free....well, technically. I talked with a friend all night long. This friend is unlike my other friends in many ways and I was able to admit some things that have only been running through my head. Some of those things I'm a bit ashamed of....and I will blog about it soon. I enjoyed my long conversation with my friend from highschool. Oh, the memories that flood back to what I thought was my hardest times, but now that I'm grown up I realize things were simpler back then. Anyway, after the sun rose, we said goodbye and I lit one. I took one drag...said, "Ewww" and threw it away. Thank God for Chantix. Thank God that once again I've reaffirmed to myself why I hated it so much. So, yeah, a screw up, but a victory as well. I NEVER throw cigarettes away....but in this case I did. I've just got to blog about these things that have been bothering me. I was a little shaky after the conversation, thinking to myself, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I said out loud what I've been thinking." Anyway, I stopped by a few blogs and left this comment on one and it was a nice reminder to myself about self love. So, I'm posting this for myself and if it helps anyone struggling with self love, then that will be a bonus.
  I always thought losing weight was what I do to get to the point where I love myself, but the thing is, if we wait for the weight to come off and think somehow we'll magically love ourselves...we'll end up very disappointed. I did this when I was a teenager and even when my body was at an almost normal weight, I still thought I was so fat and ugly. I look back at those pics and wish I could tell that girl how beautiful she was. :)

      At my current body state it would be easy for me to hate myself.

      I could look at my mound of belly fat and how it hangs and be totally grossed out...but that belly hangs the way it does b/c of having my babies. My body made babies...beautiful ones. My stretchmarks and flabby belly are reminders of that. Even if I'd like to see my belly more toned, has served me well in important times. lol My legs are mishapen from a condition called lymphedema...I've never liked my legs. However, I'm so thankful to have my legs b/c there are people who have none. I's a stretch, but very true. See what I mean though? Every bit of us is worth loving. Loving ourselves will make us feel well worth taking care of.
   I think some people automatically assume fat people have super low self esteem and while it's very typical, it's not always the case. I love myself more now than I did when I was a teenager. The first pic I posted was of a girl who did things to fit in with the crowd, she made sores on her chest to punish herself, she'd lay balled up in the bathroom floor crying...just to cry..b/c she felt so alone.  The lady in the second picture thinks she's pretty damn hot for a fatty. lol. She also likes her hair and her really blue eyes. She loves the roundness of her face and the fullness of her lips. She likes her singing voice and isn't afraid to sing in front of people. She doesn't get embarassed very easily and she doesn't like being pushed around. She thinks she's right a lot of the time and doesn't mind letting her husband know it. lol. She used to think skinny girls were the ones who got all the action. This fat lady can tell you otherwise. B/c of my confidence, I think many people see around my fat. I mean...sure...yeah, they notice I'm fat, but they find the treasure once they get to know me. Ok, enough speaking in the third person. lol. Anyway, you get what I'm sayin. LOVE yourself for where you are at NOW.....not when you've taken the weight off. ((hugs)))

Breakfast: 1c. Kashi shredded wheat, 1small banana, 1c. milk

Lunch: Ah crap, I'm realizing now I have my food log messed up. I posted yesterday's as the 29th. Ok, I'm gonna nix this food log and resume tomorrow so I can figure out how I lost track. I think I'm gonna have to write this stuff down AND blog it. lol

Have a great weekend! I might not be back tomorrow since Joey and Niki are here. I will try to do a Niki and Joey post b/c I know some people think those are pretty funny....I even figured out how to get the video of Joey dancing on here. You'll have to turn your head to the side to view it, but still....funny. ☺


  1. You know, I think it's where you find your worth. When I was a 5'8" size 2/4 and living in LA, I wouldn't go to the beach because I was self conscious about my body, even though I was my modeling weight and people kept telling me to eat something. I really wasted those great years living near the beach fixating on my small breasts and my athletic legs. Now, being overweight, I think what a waste that was. If I were only my looks, I wouldn't have developed my intelligence and my loving nature and my talents and my sense of humor, but I knew I was more than my looks, thank goodness. Now, being overweight, the other aspects I developed help me to not feel so out of whack. Before, my looks were my only content. That's so sad.

  2. I agree fully with what you say. I have found more worth in this current phase of life than I did when I was young. I totally get what you mean. For me, I was never satisfied or content with the way I looked. Even though my body is out of whack now, I feel normal in my head and that's what keeps me going. For me, it's like "Ok, you are just fine in your mind...time to show it on the outside." lol

  3. Yes - If a person thinks they will be happy when the weight is off....
    They will be disappointed twice! We take ourselves with us.
    Perhaps the question is, "Who it is that we think we are?"

    If we think we are our past self, we are doomed to depression.
    If we think we are our future self, we are asking for angst or anxiety.
    It's all about this present moment, cliche, but true!
    So easy to say....sometimes slippery to grasp and hold onto!

    Do you do MLD for the lymph? Does it work for you?

  4. This is a huge mental journey and much of it is "pain management" No other way around have to look at the whole picture as you work to get are doing it...and that is what counts.

  5. Hi Anne, I have had MLD before when I was pregnant with my son. It's a bit hard for me to do myself and I was never good with wearing the leg wrappings. I'm terribly claustrophobic and for some reason the leg wrappings always made me feel confined and smothered. My husband would have to distract me with video games while he wrapped me b/c I hated it so much. So, I have compression stockings and that's about all I do...and I watch my sodium intake. :)

    @Kyle--Yes, that's what counts. :)

  6. Whooo hooo! Girl! Tell it!

    I'm proud of ya!