Ok, so I'm doing well with not getting into the Easter baskets, but I think I ate a little bit too much dark chocolate today...even if it's the healthy 70% cocoa kind. Urghh. I'm still having a tough week altogether. There's lots of bad things and good things going on, but I still feel crappy. In the end it will pay off though...I know it.
I think one thing that's important to know about food addiction is there's probably more than just that one addiction that you're fighting....I think you guys know what I'm talking about. You know, the little dark habits that you only know about...the ones you manage to hide and deny even to your closest loved ones. Then there's the ones you've had for so long, they become more like familiar friends and before long you don't even really think about what life would be like without those seemingly "small" bad habits, b/c afterall it's been a comfort to you and you rationalize to yourself, "There's worse things I could be doing".
I have a very addictive personality. For some people it can be a positive thing if they are addicted to good habits, but for people who've always been more destructive (like myself), we always tend to veer towards the bad habits. The funny thing is...I can't exactly remember my first addiction. I keep trying to remember, but I just don't. Maybe it was sneak eating...I dunno...but, anyway, once addiction began for me it snowballed into several addictions...many addictions I still fight everyday. Then there's many addictions I've conquered. When I was young, it was sneak eating b/c I'd get a rush knowing I got away w/ something my dad wouldn't approve of. Then, in 9th grade it started out with smoking cigarettes....then marijuana...drinking...and crack...yes, I said crack...at the ripe old age of 14. I did all of that my freshman year and after losing a relationship w/ my best friend, I decided to change my life. That's when I stopped all the drugs and began Jenny Craig. From there, I was addicted to my self image. Every morning was spent grooming, washing, drying, makeup, dressing up (like most teens do), but then I'd make sores on my chest...mutilating myself b/c I still hated what was under all the adornments...another painful addiction. I still have a few small scars from it. Then came sex addiction with my highschool sweetheart...and after our horrible break up there were even more partners. I'd go so far as to sneak out of my house at night roaming the streets meeting up with strange men....yes, sick I know. It's how I came to meet my daughter's father as a matter of fact when I was 16/17.
After highschool I began smoking again. Then I got pregnant by a man none of my friends or family had ever met....still haven't met up until this day b/c he disappeared a week before my daughter was born....he was a bad addiction. Well, of course I quit smoking long enough to be pregnant and nurse, but then I started back. Since then I've quit many times...but, it's always a crutch I've went back to. A crutch I've leaned on through conquering sex addiction, food addiction, chatting addiction and other addictions...and while working on all the emotional baggage I had too. It didn't help that I married a man addicted to nicotine as well. When one of us would quit, the other would be still smoking or we'd both quit...end up fighting, then starting back. My husband and I have a great marriage now....it's not even a crutch that I can blame on a bad marriage now. I quit long enough to be pregnant and nurse again, but was back at it afterward.
Well, when I began this journey back in January, I knew it wasn't just going to be about weight loss. It would be about kicking out all the rest of the "dirty habits". I've come very far in my life....it would be a shame to die of cancer due to a residual habit I began earlier in life b/c I hated myself. As a matter of fact, I hate smoking so much, I'm ashamed to tell most of my friends. There's only a couple who know. Well, as most of you know I've tried "natural" everything in the past b/c I hate prescription meds and I've avoided them at all cost until the reality hit me that nothing "natural" I was trying was helping me with PCOS, obesity, or any other problem for that matter. So, I had my doc put me on Metformin for PCOS, appetite suppressants, and fluid pills for hereditary lymphedema. Well, I had a check up not too long ago and I told my doc I'm ready to quit smoking. Her response was, "Are you sure you want to do it right now since you've just started losing weight??" Then we both agreed that there wasn't really any better time than now since I'm still on the appetite supressants...hoping maybe it would curb my appetite a little while going through withdrawal. Well, I'm on a new drug now...Chantix. Chantix actually blocks nicotine receptors that cause a dopamine (think euphoric stress relieving happy hormone) response when you smoke. My smoking habit is directly related to my neurotransmitters. I was clinically depressed from childhood until adulthood and the one time I was happy w/o nicotine was when I was on Welbutrin (an antidepressant many smokers use to quit). Anyway, this is my second week on it and it's really starting to build up in my system now...so needless to say, I am a very cranky girl. I'm also a little depressed....but, I'm just holding onto this fact: This choice is a choice to LIVE...a choice to THRIVE...a choice to NOT let my BAD habits rule me. Then there's the horrible physical withdrawal I'm having...headaches, achiness, sleepiness, lack of concentration-it's probably the healthiest I've been in a good while.
I know many of you that read my blog, have been on your journey longer than I've been on mine so I know many of you have already dealt with many or most of your bad habits. But, if you are not far into this journey, I just want to encourage you to take a hard look, take an inventory of bad habits that afflict you besides food addiction or overeating. I think when you notice these, you'll begin to see the connection and one by one, you can snuff them out. I think kicking all the bad habits is so imperative to being successful at this weight loss thing....there's a reason behind why we've chosen to cover our precious bodies w/ fat. If we can uncover those reasons that led us to the bad habits, then we'll understand what kind of healing we need for ourselves in order to achieve healthiness. So, let this be OUR year to love ourselves to the highest degree possible.
And I want you all to understand...this was a very hard post for me to write. Smoking is something I've been very ashamed of b/c I know how bad it is. It is probably THE thing I'm most sensative about, so please be gentle with your comments....I'm even more sensative b/c of the withdrawal symptoms and the crappy time I've been going through w/ my homeschool group. Anything weight loss or food related, feel free to swift kick me in the butt if needed. lol Whew! It felt good to get that out.
Ok, so if you notice I'm particularly grumpy for a little while and you notice me eating a little more....you know why now....just know that it's a good thing. Also, yeah, those silly homeschool ladies picked the WRONG time to piss me off by the way. lol I think once I get used to the change, things will get easier. I'm really going to have to pick up on the exercise to make up for the dopamine I'm not getting from nicotine now. Wish me luck.
Here's what I ate today:
Breakfast: 1c. Organic Pumpkin Flax granola, 1c. almond milk, 1 small banana
Lunch: egg salad sandwich on whole wheat (3 easter eggs w/ 2tbsp. light olive oil mayo, pickle relish-I didn't eat this whole amount btw but I ate most of it), 1c. red seedless grapes, 2 squares dark chocolate
Dinner: 2 salmon patties, mixed veggies (yellow and green greenbeans, baby carrots)
Snack: 6 whole wheat crackers w/ 2 squares dark chocolate
4c. lemon ginseng green tea, and 4c. peppermint tea (I'm peeing like a racehorse...didn't you want to know that?) lol