Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

April 6th, 2010 Food Log and an Addiction Story

Ok, so I'm doing well with not getting into the Easter baskets, but I think I ate a little bit too much dark chocolate today...even if it's the healthy 70% cocoa kind. Urghh. I'm still having a tough week altogether. There's lots of bad things and good things going on, but I still feel crappy. In the end it will pay off though...I know it.
  I think one thing that's important to know about food addiction is there's probably more than just that one addiction that you're fighting....I think you guys know what I'm talking about. You know, the little dark habits that you only know about...the ones you manage to hide and deny even to your closest loved ones. Then there's the ones you've had for so long, they become more like familiar friends and before long you don't even really think about what life would be like without those seemingly "small" bad habits, b/c afterall it's been a comfort to you and you rationalize to yourself, "There's worse things I could be doing".
   I have a very addictive personality. For some people it can be a positive thing if they are addicted to good habits, but for people who've always been more destructive (like myself), we always tend to veer towards the bad habits. The funny thing is...I can't exactly remember my first addiction. I keep trying to remember, but I just don't. Maybe it was sneak eating...I dunno...but, anyway, once addiction began for me it snowballed into several addictions...many addictions I still fight everyday. Then there's many addictions I've conquered. When I was young, it was sneak eating b/c I'd get a rush knowing I got away w/ something my dad wouldn't approve of. Then, in 9th grade it started out with smoking cigarettes....then marijuana...drinking...and crack...yes, I said the ripe old age of 14. I did all of that my freshman year and after losing a relationship w/ my best friend, I decided to change my life. That's when I stopped all the drugs and began Jenny Craig. From there, I was addicted to my self image. Every morning was spent grooming, washing, drying, makeup, dressing up (like most teens do), but then I'd make sores on my chest...mutilating myself b/c I still hated what was under all the adornments...another painful addiction. I still have a few small scars from it. Then came sex addiction with my highschool sweetheart...and after our horrible break up there were even more partners. I'd go so far as to sneak out of my house at night roaming the streets meeting up with strange men....yes, sick I know. It's how I came to meet my daughter's father as a matter of fact when I was 16/17.
After highschool I began smoking again. Then I got pregnant by a man none of my friends or family had ever met....still haven't met up until this day b/c he disappeared a week before my daughter was born....he was a bad addiction. Well, of course I quit smoking long enough to be pregnant and nurse, but then I started back. Since then I've quit many times...but, it's always a crutch I've went back to. A crutch I've leaned on through conquering sex addiction, food addiction, chatting addiction and other addictions...and while working on all the emotional baggage I had too. It didn't help that I married a man addicted to nicotine as well. When one of us would quit, the other would be still smoking or we'd both quit...end up fighting, then starting back. My husband and I have a great marriage's not even a crutch that I can blame on a bad marriage now. I quit long enough to be pregnant and nurse again, but was back at it afterward.
  Well, when I began this journey back in January, I knew it wasn't just going to be about weight loss. It would be about kicking out all the rest of the "dirty habits". I've come very far in my would be a shame to die of cancer due to a residual habit I began earlier in life b/c I hated myself. As a matter of fact, I hate smoking so much, I'm ashamed to tell most of my friends. There's only a couple who know. Well, as most of you know I've tried "natural" everything in the past b/c I hate prescription meds and I've avoided them at all cost until the reality hit me that nothing "natural" I was trying was helping me with PCOS, obesity, or any other problem for that matter. So, I had my doc put me on Metformin for PCOS, appetite suppressants, and fluid pills for hereditary lymphedema. Well, I had a check up not too long ago and I told my doc I'm ready to quit smoking. Her response was, "Are you sure you want to do it right now since you've just started losing weight??" Then we both agreed that there wasn't really any better time than now since I'm still on the appetite supressants...hoping maybe it would curb my appetite a little while going through withdrawal. Well, I'm on a new drug now...Chantix. Chantix actually blocks nicotine receptors that cause a dopamine (think euphoric stress relieving happy hormone) response when you smoke. My smoking habit is directly related to my neurotransmitters. I was clinically depressed from childhood until adulthood and the one time I was happy w/o nicotine was when I was on Welbutrin (an antidepressant many smokers use to quit). Anyway, this is my second week on it and it's really starting to build up in my system needless to say, I am a very cranky girl. I'm also a little depressed....but, I'm just holding onto this fact: This choice is a choice to LIVE...a choice to THRIVE...a choice to NOT let my BAD habits rule me. Then there's the horrible physical withdrawal I'm having...headaches, achiness, sleepiness, lack of concentration-it's probably the healthiest I've been in a good while.
   I know many of you that read my blog, have been on your journey longer than I've been on mine so I know many of you have already dealt with many or most of your bad habits. But, if you are not far into this journey, I just want to encourage you to take a hard look, take an inventory of bad habits that afflict you besides food addiction or overeating. I think when you notice these, you'll begin to see the connection and one by one, you can snuff them out. I think kicking all the bad habits is so imperative to being successful at this weight loss thing....there's a reason behind why we've chosen to cover our precious bodies w/ fat. If we can uncover those reasons that led us to the bad habits, then we'll understand what kind of healing we need for ourselves in order to achieve healthiness. So, let this be OUR year to love ourselves to the highest degree possible.
  And I want you all to understand...this was a very hard post for me to write. Smoking is something I've been very ashamed of b/c I know how bad it is. It is probably THE thing I'm most sensative about, so please be gentle with your comments....I'm even more sensative b/c of the withdrawal symptoms and the crappy time I've been going through w/ my homeschool group. Anything weight loss or food related, feel free to swift kick me in the butt if needed. lol Whew! It felt good to get that out.
  Ok, so if you notice I'm particularly grumpy for a little while and you notice me eating a little know why now....just know that it's a good thing. Also, yeah, those silly homeschool ladies picked the WRONG time to piss me off by the way. lol I think once I get used to the change, things will get easier. I'm really going to have to pick up on the exercise to make up for the dopamine I'm not getting from nicotine now. Wish me luck.

Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast: 1c. Organic Pumpkin Flax granola, 1c. almond milk, 1 small banana

Lunch: egg salad sandwich on whole wheat (3 easter eggs w/ 2tbsp. light olive oil mayo, pickle relish-I didn't eat this whole amount btw but I ate most of it), 1c. red seedless grapes, 2 squares dark chocolate

Dinner: 2 salmon patties, mixed veggies (yellow and green greenbeans, baby carrots)

Snack: 6 whole wheat crackers w/ 2 squares dark chocolate

4c. lemon ginseng green tea, and 4c. peppermint tea (I'm peeing like a racehorse...didn't you want to know that?) lol


  1. wow!--brave to post all that. Truly a 'moral inventory ' of yourself and that is one of the 12 steps to healing addiciton . In a way you 've been to hell and back. That you are here working on your addicitons and have healthy children and a good marriage shows that you are blessed and have been incredibly lucky, considering some of the risky behavior. Good luck with the anti-smoking. sugar free gum chewing might help or something oral like that may help with the oral part of the addiciton . My mom quit smoking after 30 yrs that way. Just get through it a minute at a time. Sometimes you feel like you want to crawl out of your skin. Be gentle with yourself.

  2. Thank you so much for this post. It has made me take a good look at my own life. I have some addictions that I need to address, also.

  3. :) Thanks PJ...I've tried explaining to people about this being one of the twelve steps and then how you're supposed to admit things and apologize to the ones you've hurt. People usually say,"Well, I could never do that...that's just too personal." Well, I feel like it's all necessary. I've come very far w/ addiction. Besides smoking, I've conquered all the other big addictions...of course any of us are capable of slip ups, but I've pretty much nipped them in the bud. I do chew a LOT of gum although sometimes I wonder if I connect it with smoking since I always chew when I smoke...not sure. Yeah, I have super healthy babies (I do not smoke around them), a healthy family and I'm so grateful that I've been able to do things differently w/ my children...I'm not perfect by any means, but I feel like I'm accomplishing one thing at least, showing them how to love themselves. Thanks for the encouragement and reminder to be gentle...b/c I really really do feel like crawling out of my skin. lol

  4. Thanks Shae, I'm glad this post helps you. :) It was therapeutic to write all of this down b/c it helped me see how I've survived some pretty nasty stuff. I wish you great success on your journey and I encourage you to write write write about it. It helps soooo much. :)

  5. My friend was food and God.
    God kept me out of almost everything else that could have came down the pike.
    I talk to God like most people talk to other people.
    (Or as some think, I talk to myself.)
    I was lucky early on to feel God like he was right beside me and in me.
    I knew God saw me.
    Whatever it was that I was planning, the he had a plan for my life and If I could just stick true to what he said to do, it would work out.
    And it did.
    It was brave to post that.
    I have posted some whopping doozies so know what it is like to expose yourself.
    My brother was addicted to heroin and I know that a drug habit is a hard thing to kick.
    Good on you from moving away from that.
    You have done what you could to save yourself all along, I think you will do what it takes now.

  6. Yeah, I know what you mean Chris. My problem was that since I related to God as my Father, I rebelled against him like my earth father. My mom raised us in church...I had a relationship w/ the Father from an early age. When I was 18 I decided to become a missionary and went to Guatemala to do short term mission work. I came back and started college again to become a teacher and minor in spanish so I could be a missionary in spanish speaking countries. The short version of that story is my daughter's father had disappeared for a while when I was getting my life together and when I came back from Guatemala, so did he. I got pregnant, dropped out of college, got a job and the rest is history. I was taught fear so much in church, so as I grew up every time I'd mess up, I'd fear that God was mad at me so I just wouldn't talk to Him. Now in my adult years, I ask lots of questions and am reexamining my faith...that's another journey in itself to blog about, but if you're ever interested, my other blog actually has lots of thoughts to do w/ religion and my faith journey. I really need to update it all b/c a lot has changed, but I still do talk to God...not as much as I used to, but I'll get there.
    The drugs seem so distant now...of course it probably seems that way b/c it is distant. It all happened 15 years was a rough time. Did your brother overcome his addiction? I hope so. Thanks for the encouragement. :)