Sorry I haven't been around for a couple of days....it's been hectic, stressful, and emotional. I've had trouble staying on plan completely as a result. Day before yesterday I did ok..not as good as I would've liked....
Breakfast: 2 slices whole wheat bread (small slices), 2 tbsp. natural PB, 1 small banana, 1c. milk
Lunch: Whole wheat pita, 3 slices deli chicken breast, 2 cheddar slices, 1/2c. baby carrots, 1c. red seedless grapes
Dinner: Homemade beef stew w/ carrots and potatoes, 1/2 slice whole wheat bread
Snack: bowl of cocoa pebbles (I know...horrible right? I've craved chocolate a lot here lately and I don't think I had enough veggies for dinner so I got ravenously hungry later)
2 squares of 65% dark chocolate
Then yesterday was disastrous. Let me explain.
Normally I tend to distract myself b/c I'm terribly analytical and my brain is constantly going all the time. I distract myself by reading, blogging, and surfing the web. Anytime I'm left alone with my thoughts I usually drive myself crazy. I HAVE to be doing something with my brain to focus usually. Well, a lot has been going on here lately. For one thing, I found out my Dad will most likely be moving to Bermuda for 5 years to work. I'm close to my Dad and he's pretty close with my kids....he's also been very active in my kids' lives. My mom is very aloof....tends to be caught up into her own life and doesn't spend much time with my kids at all. So, the prospect of my Dad moving away for 5 years is pretty sad for me. Then we found out my father-in-law is most likely going to have surgery on a hernia. Well, this wouldn't be such a big deal, but he is 89 years old with a pacemaker. He's still a VERY active person, but he's in so much pain most of the time. The doctors told him a couple years back that he would have to put up with the hernia b/c more than likely he would have a stroke or heart attack on the operating table. Well, b/c he's in so much pain, he's pretty much decided it would be worth taking the risk with his life than to be in this much pain anymore (can't say I blame him). Thinking about how hard this will be on my husband really tears me up b/c his dad is his only parent living. I mentioned in a recent post that my husband's cousin died of Huntington's disease. Huntington's is a genetic disease that runs in my husband's family (think Alzheimer's and Parkinson's put together and it kills you middle age). Over Valentine's weekend my husband and I had a chat about Huntington's and then ironically/tragically, we get the call that his 50yr. old cousin just died. So far my husband has watched 4 family members die of this disease in his 37 yrs; his aunt-early 50's, his mother-54, his brother-53, and his cousin-50. Since my husband's mother died with Hungtington's, there is a 50% chance that he has it. It is not a forgiving disease...it doesn't favor gender, doesn't skip generations, takes years to finally die, and is very unpredictable. After the conversation and the phone call, I began to do the math and realized that if my husband has it, then he has about 8-10 good years left. Then on top of that we had to make a hard decision this week to finally get my husband a vasectomy so we can no longer have children. Don't get me wrong...I have a boy and a girl, but at one point we really wanted 3...I really wanted 3...still want. Our son was a surprise. We had almost decided not to have any children together b/c of Huntington's, but we had our son. If my husband has Huntington's, then my son will be at risk.
Well, after distracting myself constantly for many days, being busy for many days....all of it finally came to a head for me. I went to WalGreens drive-thru to get my husband's pre-surgery/post surgery meds. It takes 20 minutes for them to be filled....20 minutes and I had no book or computer to distract me. So, I sat in my car and cried....cried and cried....and I should mention I'm not a cryer. I was listening to my mp3 player and i swear every friggin sad song came on and I just let loose like Niagra Falls. Before I allowed myself to cry, I starved myself most of the day and didn't even realize I was doing it. Late in the evening I realized I had skipped lunch totally and my blood sugar was so low.....I gave a few minutes thought about what I would eat but it all came crashing down when I quick-turned into McD's. I blew it; hamburger, 3 choc. chip cookies, and small milkshake. Wow! And I don't even like McD's is the strangeness of it. I tolerate them once in a blue moon, but that's it and I ate the crappiest, engineered food that I could have gotten yesterday. I sat there trying to figure out why I did it and didn't realize why until I sat in the WalGreens parking lot crying. I really have some big burdens right now and I wouldn't let my brain slow down long enough to realize that my sanity was in jeapordy....wow. Potentially dieing husband, potentially dieing father-in-law, potentially moving father, and I won't have anymore babies...ever.....how could I not have seen this?? I was so stressed and didn't even notice. So, here's the million dollar question (and hopefully you've made it to here since I've been babbling on and on), what do you guys do to relieve stress? What do you do to stay in touch with the wellness of your mind (especially if you're a busy mom like me)? How do you make sure to take care of yourselves in times of crisis? I'd love any feedback I can get. Whew! I'm so glad I got all of this out....I've been holding it in and man did I ever blow!!! I'm on the verge of crying again right now. I swear blogging is like therapy. It's funny....I didn't feel like blogging. I think my mind guarded me against it b/c I knew it would be painful to talk about all of this.
Well, on a lighter note....I did pretty good today. I think my good long cry helped me center a little better. I will post today's food log...tomorrow. Thanks for reading. :)