Kim still here...ya know...saving my life...blah blah. lol

I'm still around. I haven't been around much though. I still keep telling myself I can't blog until I get this pain thing taken care of....and the stuff I need to do is still waiting. My pain level had went down some...only some...for a handful of days. I was just gettting to the point where I was feeling braver...thinking about doing some stuff around the house....not being afraid of triggering pain. Alas, last Tuesday, the pain came back full force and then some. I had a girlfriend over all day w/ her kids. I vaccumed and made a nice light chicken salad w/ raisins and olive oil for our lunch. I made some homemade ice cream. I made a fruit salad. My daughter volunteered to mop the kitchen (It REALLY needed it). It was a good day, but I could tell I was pushing it with all the smiling and laughing....see, too much facial movement triggers pain. Then my friend stayed some more....into dinner time. So I made steak, zucchini fritters, and steamed veggies. It was chewy steak....a little harder to chew. Chewing too much can trigger pain. After she left my pain level shot upward into the heavens. All I could do was hold my head and moan. David helped w/ the kids. I was relieved. I ended up dozing in and out all night in my husband's recliner. Being in bed hurt too much. I went back and forth through the night. Next morning woke up with more excruciating pain. Thought I might be getting the sinus infection back b/c the pain was so intense in my face. My doc had an antibiotic waiting at a pharmacy for me (the 4th one mind you)--she warned me it was expensive. It was three hundred and something dollars!! One hundred and something after insurance!! The pharmacist called it *the cadillac* of anitbiotics. LMAO!--Then I began crying--called David--told him I do not know what to do....b/c at this point it's looking like I have trigger point pain that mimics different conditions (like TMJ, tri-geminal neuralgia, teeth hypersensitivity, sinus infections). I didn't want to pay that much for a medicine I may not need. I'm still trying to get good bacteria back into my body--I swear for like a week I had no smell--all the bacteria in my body were gone from the first 3 rounds of anitbiotcs--lol! David said, "I don't know what to tell you." I begged him to tell me what to do. Pain effs with your head...in a big way especially when it's been going on for close to three months. I've lost my ability to reason well. The trigger point pain thing is crazy sounding I know....b/c all of this is new to me as well...but there are knots in my muscles that trigger different types of pain....they refer pain to different parts of my body. My chropractor has been telling me for a couple weeks that he just wants to work on me a "little bit more" before he refers me to this ortho guy that does trigger point stuffs. I called him crying last Wednesday....I asked him very nicely to PLEASE refer me to his guy (I was desperate for pain relief). He made the appointment stat. It's on August 10th. I've pretty much been in searing pain for a week now as opposed to slightly unbearable pain before. Ibuprofen doesn't even work anymore. Oh well.....neither does my migraine medicine--well, it works for about 45 minutes. Oh well. Oh and Aleve doesn't work anymore either. Hmm. So, I've basically got it down to an art now....I just need to get into the right position w/ folded blankets tucked under certain places and my massager working on places--then be perfectly still so I won't feel little knives stabbing at my nerves.
  David has been trying to help a little bit more w/o a frown on his face---he's so not good at faking it--kinda thankful for this during sex, but when it spills into other areas like being supportive and compassionate--not so great. I was crying....having a "woe is me" moment a few nights ago. I just needed someone to tell me it's going to be all right. Instead, he reminded me that my weight problem is probably to blame. I told him I was doing good at the time this pain started....ya know...when I lost the 30lbs, quit smoking, and began exercising. He told me, "You were doing ok, but not great---you still lacked routine." I could have kicked him. It reminded me of another thing he said years ago. Back when I lost 80lbs, I asked him if he noticed the difference. His answer was, "I can't really tell that anything has changed since I live w/ you." I had went from being morbidly obese to being chubby...and he said he couldn't tell the difference. Later he admitted he said it to hurt me....b/c it was such an easy target when he was mad at me. Well, I felt the same way this time too....I knew he was trying to hurt me. I tweeted "My husband right now=jackass." Could anyone argue with me on this?? I know when he says horrible things like this, that it's really a cover up for being resentful of something. I finally got him to admit it. He was resentful about helping me w/ house work after working long hours....he's also resentful of me still being fat. I told him I already feel so badly about everything I'm not able to do--thanks for making it worse. I've been complaining too much here lately....just in general...about the pain, and the doctors, being on so much medicine. David was tired of hearing it--it made him mad so he hit me where it hurt. That's what he does. I apologized for complaining and he apologized for bringing me down. For a few moments during this argument.....when he stormed out of the driveway for a while....I actually became giddy by the notion of getting really healthy and pretty....then leaving his skinny ass. Don't worry, I know I was being just a bit irrational....and now I'm fine. I'm fine...really.
   I've been losing the weight I put back on--lost 5lbs. last week. I'm trying to keep it up. It's been hard since I haven't been able to be active. All of this pain has put a lot of things into keen perspective. I was serious about losing weight and getting active before. Now, I'd do anything just to be able to clean my effing bathtub w/o feeling pain. If I come out of this pain crap---my resolve to become healthy is going to be super freaking focused. I don't think I will ever take physical activity for granted again. I miss being out in the sunshine--enjoying life. I keep my living room semi dark--b/c light makes the pain worse. One thing that always annoyed me about David is his love of darkness---he'd leave the house dark all the time if I let him. Right now, it's ok w/ me though.....b/c I can barely stand the light. I wear shades wherever I go for the most part. I think I'm going to tape a mantra to my mirror--"I think I am heathy...therefore I am." I hear that self talk can help. If someone told me standing on one leg and wearing a tin foil hat while singing "Little Boxes" would cure me...I might be apt to try it at this point. (smiles) FYI--this is the theme song to a show called Weeds. My friend Kimber turned me onto this show. (Thanks for coffee Kimber!)It's a terribly inappropriate show, but very funny--and disturbing. I've been watching it a lot here lately...late at night when I can't sleep. This song has really good lyrics. When I get a hold of Women, Food, and God I'll let you guys know. It may take a few weeks for me to get through it, but I still intend on doing my giveaway. Thanks for sticking with me guys...you know who you are. I lost another follower the other day...oopsy.