Thanks People and Let the Flames Begin by Paramore

Thanks for your well wishes...much appreciated. I'm going to a specialist tomorrow morning for a consult. I'm hoping this hell will be over soon. I've pretty much cried everyday here lately with all the pain. This is coming from a lady who has a high threshold of pain. I've had 5 surgeries to date and cried on 2 of them....one time each. I had 2 gallstone surgeries, 2 c-sections, and my tonsils removed, part of my tongue removed, part of my pallate removed, and my uvula removed (very painful surgery for sleep disorder) and only cried one time over the pain. So, this will give you a better picture of the kind of pain I'm in right now.
   David apologized for being an ass. I basically told him in more words, "I won't be a doormat". The whole issue wasn't that I want to change him. The issue is that for years he's told me "If only you weren't fat we'd be able to do...." and "If you'd lose weight, this would be better....." and I believed him. I believed that life would be open to us if only I'd lose weight and believed I was what was holding "us" back and it kinda turns out that it was a cop out. He's still using the age thing, but it's an excuse. I told him I wish he'd share what's going on in his head b/c I think he's depressed, but he told me I criticize his feelings when he's tried to in the past. I think part of it's true and part of it is another cop out. Sometimes he mistakes me giving advice as criticism which is exactly what I used to do to him when we first got married. It drove him crazy that I was so sensative. I grow a "pair" and he doesn't like it now. These are two examples I can use b/c I know for a fact he was really upset in these two instances: He put Enoch's diaper on crooked one time and I explained how to get it just right so poop doesn't come out the side and explained I've done the same thing he's done before so he wouldn't think I was criticizing him....he did anyway. Last week, he knew I was in pain and made lunch for my son.....grilled american cheese on white bread when I have cheddar cheese and whole wheat bread for the kids and I. David's the only one who eats white bread and process cheese in the house. I didn't say anything the first couple of times and asked him why he wouldn't use my bread. He said, "Oh this won't hurt him." I said, " I appreciate you making lunch for him and it's not that it'll hurt him to eat it a few times, it's just the fact I've got his taste buds liking healthy food and I just don't want him to get used to eating that. Also, I don't want you to run out of your bread. I buy extra for the kids and I." This offended him and I thought I tried to put it nicely, but it's like he's offended that I think his food is not as good as the healthy food I feed the kids and I. His food isn't healthy, but it's not like I go around saying "Eww" to what he eats, but at the same time I feel I should say something if he keeps on trying to feed the kids his processed, non-nutritious food. I dunno...maybe I made too much of a big deal. Either way, it's still not cool that he's still using me as an excuse for things he doesn't want to do and using me as an excuse to not be more intimate w/ me about what's going on in his head. I've babied him over the years and now when I start pushing him to do things he's uncomfortable with, he just makes it all about me and claims I'm not being sensative enough. (sigh)...what a dilemma. Dealing with Dave potentially having Huntington's, not having anymore babies, marital issues, and making the switch to a new homeschool group is so much to recover from. The stress over my dad is gone fortunately and he and I are doing good again. I've just got too much on my plate and I'm getting distracted from my big goal....not sure what to do. There's so many things I need to do and want to do and I feel stuck b/c of all the physical pain I'm in and the emotional stress I'm going through w/ my hubby. I so wish there was writing on the wall on how to deal with this stuff.
  Anyway, we're semi-getting along. I'm kinda depressed about this whole situation and it doesn't help I'm in so much pain. I'm having trouble eating my usual raw veggies and fruit b/c of my TMJ and haven't been eating the best things the past couple of days. Also, I'm stumped with a few things about counting calories and am needing help. I need to make a list of my questions but the first one is....how many calories do I need to cut from my daily total to lose weight? I'm not good at math and am trying to figure out how to do this stuff. Anyway, hopefully I'll be back to normal soon. These past few weeks (month really) have sucked in a lot of ways. I want to get back to enjoying my marriage, losing weight, feeling good, and being hopeful.....I really need a good dose of hope right now. I'm still nicotine free by the way. I've been rarely thinking of it as a matter of fact. I just need to get back to my good eating plan soon....I'm scared of gaining more weight back. Eeeeek! Any suggestions on foods that won't hurt to eat? They can't be too cold, too hot, or too hard, or too chewy, and can't get stuck b/t my teeth AND have to be healthy. Ha! Tell me that isn't a riddle to solve! lol Laters gators. Have a great week peeps.
   Oh, funny thing....my daughter's piano recital was the other night and my mom came to see it. I asked her if she likes my red hair and she said not really. I asked, "Too punkrockerish?" She said, "Yeah, kinda". I smiled....I'll be going red for a while I think. (wink) Mousy brown or punkrockerish red?

What a shame we all became such fragile, broken things.


A memory remains just a tiny spark.

I give it all my oxygen,

To let the flames begin

To let the flames begin.



Oh, glory.

Oh, glory.

This is how we'll dance when,

When they try to take us down.

This is what will be oh glory.



Somewhere weakness is our strength,

And I'll die searching for it.

I can't let myself regret such selfishness.

My pain and all the trouble caused,

No matter how long

I believe that there's hope

Buried beneath it all and

Hiding beneath it all, and

Growing beneath it all, and...



This is how we'll dance when,

When they try to take us down

This is how we'll sing it.

This is how we'll stand when

When they burn our houses down.

This is what will be oh glory.



Reaching as I sink down into light.

Reaching as I sink down into light.



This is how we dance when,

When they try to take us down

This is how we'll sing it.

This is how we'll stand when,

When they burn our houses down.