Saving My Life

Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

A Change Would Do You Good

I was reading Chris' post about acceptance. It really made me think. Actually, it really helped helped me focus. Thanks Chris.
  Ok, so I'll tell you guys a little bit about my childhood. I know I've told bits about what formed my messed up body image, but I want to be more specific this time and if you'll hang with me...hopefully you'll see what I'm gettting at.
  From the time I was around 5, I was a chubby kid. I'm not sure why. I was picky and my grandparents would give me treats when I was with them, but I wasn't with them most of the time. My mom took me on walks and I rode my little bicycle in front of my house...ya know, when it was safe to do that kind of thing.
But, the whole time, my parents would argue about my weight. My dad would say I need to be on a diet and he'd tell my grandparents to not feed me candy. He'd eye my plate at dinner, keep tabs on what I was eating, yet he'd bring junk into the house when he'd want. Eventually, he started making me bring him the scales once a week and it wasn't like a "let's get motivated and healthy and be positive!!" kind of thing usually, it was "Kim, go get the scale now..I'm sure you've been screwing up" kind of look. I'd have to wipe tears and endure a big knot in my throat through the whole thing. I'd tell him I needed to use the bathroom before using the scale and I'd cry just enough to not leave my eyes red, but enough to where I could breathe a little better. This wasn't on every occasion, but I was fearful nonetheless every time. I hated myself...hated what fat was...hated it on me...hated myself inside for being fat on the outside. Years flew by, and I eventually lost a good bit of weight on Jenny Craig. All of the sudden, my parents were buying me cards telling me how proud they were of me and I'll never forget them buying me that Elizabeth Arden Sunflower perfume just b/c I was doing so well. Man oh man, I thought I'd hit the self love jackpot. I was really loving myself (so I thought)back then b/c my parents were looking at me differently....they were accepting me so I accepted myself.......for a short time. Then boys started noticing the dirty way. If I got my heart broken, I'd self destruct. When I felt I was losing control, I began scratching sores on my chest. I hated everything about me for the longest time b/c I never could accept ME in my own skin....meaning physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was still the fat girl inside...not just a fat my head I was the fat disgusting girl. Somewhere along the way, I ended up marrying a man that was a bit like my dad. I rebelled of course...and gained more weight. I eventually learned I couldn't depend on anybody else to help me know my worth. I decided to love my fat....yep, love my fat. It sounds bad, but when you've been taught to connect your outer image to your inner love, it's hard to say, "Well, I love myself but I don't like my body right now or yeah one day this is going to kill me." B/c even saying those things would send me back into a depression b/c I'd feel like I'd failed my loved ones again.  I think many of us who've been really fat for any huge period of time, feel pressure from trying to do it for our loved ones or doing it for ourselves and we give up. For me, it was necessary to look at my big body in the mirror and make a choice to love every bit of me for where I was at the time...b/c even if I knew I was going to die early, leave my kids w/o a mom, leave a husband single, I just needed all the consequences to be gone so I could dig myself out of the hole people had been stomping me down in all my life. I needed to be selfish for just a small while. I think some of those people who are into the whole "fat acceptance" movement maybe got there the same way I did and maybe didn't move past that. Sure, some people are just in denial, but when you've been denied your God freakin given right to love yourself WHOLLY all your life, then you end up having to take great strides...sometimes insane strides to just have some kind of view that allows you to love yourself....even if it's one that can kill you. I stayed at that place for a little while so I could learn to be accepting of my flabby stomach, my hundreds of stretchmarks, and my double chins while also learning about the good character traits I have. Once I learned how to love myself in this moment, I could finally acknowledge the realization that my weight would cause lots of harm to the ones I love the most along with myself...whom I also love. So, now here's my problem. While I've finally turned a corner in my life, I'm coming to the realization I feel stuck in a way.
   B/c of the way I grew up, constantly having someone make every decision for me and criticizing my image...I guess I allowed that life to follow me into my marriage. While my husband doesn't talk negatively anymore about my image (well, once in a while he does), I know he still wants me to lose weight. However, every time I've began to lose weight, he always brings me down. This time around I told him I'd try to change up the food situation so he didn't feel like he was dieting the whole time too. Of course, he got mad about it anyway and since last week, I've been angry. I've been angry b/c we haven't been getting along super well, he's been super distant, and this is a reoccuring problem we have when I'm trying to do something good for myself. I'm starting to believe that what he says and what he actually wants are two very different things....and I don't even think he realizes it. I think even though he denies it, that he is scared of me changing b/c maybe I won't depend on him so much and maybe I'll expect more from him for a change. He won't feel like that knight in shining armor who saved me from my screwy life anymore. Then, here lately, I find myself trying to fall into old patterns...almost like I'm trying to appease him in someway. So, now I'm confused. He says he wants me healthy, but every time I try...he fights against me in some way. He totally denies that he's scared of what things will be like once I'm in shape. Yet, he seems so threatened by my confidence here lately and he's nitpicking about every little thing....something I used to do that he hated. It's just all so strange and I'm ready to turn MY corner that I've reached. So, is he telling the truth ya think or do you think he's in denial? I think all of this may come from disliking change...he hates change. Either way, all of this is a wake up call to me...realizing I've been a little stuck b/c of this issue. I'm GOING to get matter what. I'm just afraid of how it will affect the future of my marriage sometimes. Sounds stupid probably, but I really do think this will be an ongoing issue and I'm not sure how to nip it in the bud w/o causing some resentment on both our parts. I certainly do not want to fall into old patterns again b/c I feel like giving up all b/c he gets mad about eating healthier. At the same time I want him to be excited about my changes. I also would love it if we could enjoy the positive benefits from all this and stop living a life set up for a fat person...I want us to l-i-v-e. Any suggestions? Sorry this is so long. Whew I needed that! lol

So, thanks Chris for getting my hamster wheel


  1. Jeez, girl. We grew up differently in that my parents wanted me to gain weight, but I can so relate with the husband thing. In fact, my husband is really pretty much dead now because I went from my modeling weight to gain 40 pounds and get "soft." The fact was, I had spent my entire life judging myself by my looks. It's the only reason guys liked me, the only thing I had going for me, it was how I got modeling jobs and into pageants. One day, I realized I was smart and went to school, studied, got a career, succeeded, became spiritually minded, ran a self help group, helped hundreds of people, was writing manuscripts. I found out I was more than my looks. So, as I gained weight during that time, my husband looked at me and said I was no longer attractive to him. He was angry I gained weight. I shook my head, baffled. I had raised an amazingly successful kid, got a technical career and did very well in it, helped people, volunteered, and had a great attitude about life, was the perfct wife in every way, amazing lover, compassionate, fantastic cook... none of that mattered when I lost my model's body. So, here we are living like siblings in the same house and I am so angry that as I am dropping weight now (purely because my family has a horrible health history and it scares me), I think if I get thin it would be rewarding him for being a male pig. So, I'm getting thin in spite of him and also learning how he treated me when I was "fat." I do relate. We're supposed to love our qualities but it still comes down to always does. I know that but I rebel. It festers. There are lots of men out there loving their soft wives and appreciating all they do and desiring them. The ironic thing is, he could have gained 50 or 100 pounds and it wouldn't have mattered how I feel about him. He's the sum of everything. But, men are superficial or "visual" as he likes to call it. (sigh) So, it's a boat we all travel in and it's a freaking long voyage, but he still can't make me dislike myself because I have more content in all of me than he does in his little finger. (smile)

  2. Wow, how similar and different are our I'm going through the stage where I'm finally learning about the person I am. I was spoonfed for years about how I should be. I wasn't allowed to be opinionated, looked down on for the music and shows I like, I was told I had to believe certain political beliefs if I wanted to be in God's favor, that I'd be a knockout only if I'd lose weight, that b/c I'm a woman I'm naturally not as logical as a man so I couldn't make decisions and for years i've dumbed myself down just to get along. I've gotten to the point where I know it makes my husband uncomfortable, but I just can't suck in myself anymore....and the weight is gonna come off and more of me is going to come out with it. I know this will be hard on people, but for once in my life I just would love to be myself and not the self that everybody else wants me to be. Call it rebellion, but for's just fitting. :) My husband told me a long time ago that he loves me b/c I'm "Kim" b/c people change over time and he'd love me no matter how I changed...I want to believe him so bad but it just seems like he moves further away as I become happier and more confident.

  3. Be yourself Kim. You deserve to.
    Hugs to you.
    I linked to your post.

  4. OMG that makes me so frightened and sad for this little 6 year old girl at my daughter's school - she's a bit heavy and her grandparents (who I think are raising her) have her in every single sport out there, and I try to encourage little Sophie, telling her what a great job she's doing, and the basterd goes into "Oh, but she's not trying as hard as she should be, did you see how she quit half way down the pool"... I'm like DUDE, SHE'S FREAKIN 6!

    Anyway... husbands are a different breed. There's a lovely book called "Captivating" which you MUST READ! It's all about embrasing womanhood, and realising husbands think differently. My husband is one that keeps his thoughts to himself. I ask him how he's feeling "fine". I ask him what he's thinking "nothing." He seems happy enough, and we enjoy each other, and sometimes I think he's hiding things from me. After 4 years I have come to realise that he's not hiding anything. He really is feeling "fine." He really is thinking about "nothing"! I don't think I could think about nothing if I tried! But men and women.... totally different. Understanding that is the first step.

    However, I'd love to give advice, but I'm the type of person who'd say (and I do often) "Eat what I give you, or go hungry. There's a can of baked beans if you really can't handle it."

    I guess, the only thing I can say is that weight loss is a journey. Just like parenting, tweaking a habit or two at a time, just something small, can help immensly. Small, baby steps and you will do this. Changing everything all at once is way too crazy, and it's not gonna stick. If you really want this, I mean, with all your heart, take one small step at a time towards your goal, and you will make it through. Maybe that will help your husband accept the "healthy living" lifestyle. If it's incorporated slowly, it is more likly to stick, and cross your fingers he'll never even notice :)

    My heart goes out to you. Just never give up, okay?!! You will do this. Take heart. God Bless!!!

  5. I think there is a lot of truth in the notion that men are boys in grown up trousers. I think it is only natural for people to fear change meself. He bought into one scenario, and now you want to move the goal posts. It would be exactly the same should he make a similar life change - maybe he was a lawyer with a lifestyle you loved and then took the notion to become a potter....throwing everything you know and depend on into a melting pot, with no idea of what is going to come out the other end. Its hard when folks move the goal posts. Sure he wants what he says is the best for you - and wants to encourage you to be healthy -- its just a little difficult when you getting healthy makes him feel insecure. There is no easy answer to it. The only answer is in the end product, ie that you get healthy and his life is still as good as it was when you were unhealthy. But I have to say, that there is some onus on you - you are the one moving the goal posts, and you have to expect those around you to feel a little uneasy about the person they chose to spend their life with, when they suddenly start changing, and becoming stronger, and less dependant. The reasons we love folks are many - but a lot of them are dependant on feeling needed, and of relevance, and when one partner suddenly doesn't 'need' the other quite so much - it takes a bit of getting used to.

    My suggestion?.....Takes two to tango. You moved the goal posts, its up to you to make him feel comfy about the changes you are making, not necessarily up to him to change to suit you. If your relationship is on a dodgy footing before you started, it is going to be even harder, but marriage takes two...its never a situation where anything is down to any one person - take responsibility for your part and if you want him to feel better about what you are doing, its up to you to do what you have to to reassure him. But what the heck do I know! Remember he is a little boy in big trousers. :)

  6. Wow. I best so many women can relate to your post Kim, and Autumnforest's tale. I am truly middle aged now, and for once fairly happy in my skin. I don't like what I see in the mirror, and it makes me sad sometimes (I am OK if I stay away from full-length mirrors or reflective glass window panes!) However, if I don't love myself who will? I tell myself I am a good person. My man often remarks that I should lose weight for the sake of my health. He says it's up to me, because I have procrastinated about doing something about the fat rolls. I have had health problems and I am burying my head in the sand a bit - maybe as a form of rebellion? I still am procrastinating to an extent, perhaps because the feisty, feminist in me hates the 'women should look good' visual thing that goes on - in every magazine, every TV programme and in the heads of many men. If and when I lose weight I'll still be the same 'me', and 'me' is OK. Knowing that is a bit of a revelation. I'll lose weight for me, so that I don't avoid mirrors any longer and perhaps because I want to be around the people I love for as long as possible. Thanks ladies for your great and thoughtful posts.

  7. Perhaps your husband feels as if he is losing you. There is really nothing you can do or say to change that impression. Only time will persuade him that this change is for the best. The worst thing you could do would be to stay the same for him. Change=Life. Life=Change. Bless you.

  8. Kim, absolutely! Twenty years ago I got panic attacks and it was purely my inner self rebelling. My husband has very hard standards (imagine a German engineer) and I had altered myself completely to be what he wanted. I was a good southern gal and we adapt to those around us. But, the real me was gone--not even a trace inside. When I got the panic attacks and recovered and then ran a self help group, gave lectures, wrote articles, and went back to school and got a job that I excelled out that used my intelligence, people liked me a lot because I was genuine, warm, bubbly, and outgoing which is my real nature. My husband didn't know who this woman was and I felt liberated. I look back at her and don't recognize that woman at all. The weight gain I know was the loss of my mother, brother, sister and over a dozen other family members and friends within a few years' time and being unable to grieve in front of him because I should "be over it." I was unhappy in the marriage and not being able to be myself around him again. I was one person with friends, another when he was around. His standards got tougher of what he wanted (think of Sleeping with the Enemy but without the physical abuse). Finally, I stopped worrying about what he thinks and his asanine standards and I started my blog 2 years ago. That started a snowball in which I realized I'm a talented writer and people like the real me and I began to claim more and more of me. I think I'm at an age where he's just going to have to live with the real me. I'm not hiding her for anything. I am outwardly liberal (grew up conservative), outwardly spiritually pagan (grew up a Methodist)and make my own choices, opinions and even swear around him! Hee hee Losing weight now is so much easier because I'm not trying to "shut" my inner self up anymore. Busy working on an Etsy business, writing several books, a blog, ghost hunting (something hubby thinks is ridiculous) and loving the woman who is busy living her own life of her own choosing. You can get there, but you have to declare yourself and be happy with it, not needing approval. I always use the example. Would you rather hang with Martha Stewart who's all self contained, self conscious, and uptight and fake or do you want to hang with Julia Roberts who's daffy, makes mistakes, is comfortable in her own skin and genuine????

  9. Well your story explains a lot Kim. It is beyond my expertise to offer advice on this but I would think that some professional help would be in order.

    I want to thank you for the kind things you said on my blog. Thank you for your support.

    My prayers are with you as you move forward and try to sort all of the issues out.

  10. move forward with you getting healthy.

    it's hard sometimes for both parties when one is making a decision to be strong. you have to be strong though.

    A man's pride/ego gets in the way sometimes. As a man, I know that it's blinded my sights a couple times in that I didn't see what was right in front of me.

    He wants a change, but is scared of it. This change is for you though - embrace it. If you don't push forward, you are only increasing your chances of a shorter life with him.

    This is just a suggestion. Talk to your husband about what it is that is bothering him (give some time after the argument or whatever) so you guys can be on the same page. It may not be that your husband is fighting you intentionally - but just doesn't know what to do or what is required of him in your journey. Maybe he feels cast out?

    Allow him to take part in this with you in some way that can magnify his strengths - but not be over you.

    take all that I say as you would like.

    Keep up the good work!

  11. Wow, this is the first time I've read your blog and I can SO identify with where you are coming from. My husband is somewhat similar to yours in that he is skeptical of my dedication to losing this weight and he doesn't always seems very supportive. He doesn't sabotage, but he's not proactive about supporting and encouraging me, either.

    I think you need to make the decision to get healthy for yourself. I think that you are not required to accommodate his every wish when it comes to food, but if it's not an enormous burden for you to cook foods he likes in addition to what you're eating, go for it.

    I also think that as you lose weight and you continue to love and respect your husband, and as your love and respect for YOURSELF increase, he will realize that he should not be threatened by you getting healthy. Keep loving yourself; keep loving your husband; let go of the rest.

    My mom always says that all we can do is the thing that's in front of us, and we have to trust God for the outcome. Whether you believe in God or not is irrelevant; all you can do is live the choices that are in front of you, and not try to control the outcome, because you can't.

    Looking forward to following your blog!

  12. First, I am so sorry that your father did that to you. No child should have to go through being made to feel never enough.

    As for the husbands, it is fear and change that they are upset about. But we just have to continue doing what we want, what makes us grow into the person we want to be. My husband and I have had many talks about it. He's a good man and I love him so I'm hopeful that my journey will just make us grow stronger over time. He's admitted to being scared, he's admitted he's not ready to change 100%. But I also see lots of positive changes in him. I also know that along the way I put my foot down for what I knew to be right. He tells the story now about the day I throw all the bags of junk food he bought at the store out onto the front porch and told him "take it to work or where ever but it's not coming in here". Now when he wants that stuff he has it elsewhere or when I'm not home. He once said "I didn't sign up for this" and I told him no you didn't but life is all about changing and moving forward so deal with it lol. My therapist said too that him having to make some positive changes in his life (stepping up to the plate) sure isn't going to hurt him either. So do what you want and do it with passion and just make the best life you can for yourself. I have lived in fear way to long and it sounds like you have too. We don't need to be stomped into a hole ever again by ANYONE. Great post!

  13. Kim, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it took a lot of courage. Keep fighting and pushing through. Please don't give up, you are worth it!! I am sending you a million hugs your way!!

  14. Thanks for being so honest. I too am a SAHM and have found recently that I rely too much on my husband for everything. I won't go into details, but it has been like I have to involve him in everything before I can act. And I'm a very independent person--so don't know how I got this way.

    What I'm learning is that he doesn't need to be on board with what I am doing with my body, with what I am putting in my mouth or if I'm deciding to move. It's all on me and if I'm going to act and live to my goals.

    He has a hard time talking with me about weight because we have been through it so many times. What I'm learning (for me anyway) is to stop taking about it and act on what I want--it's taken me a while to get to this point--and I'm still working on it. Am glad I found your blog. Thanks again for the honesty!