Saving My Life
Anything I post on here about PCOS or any other condition, is general information or information I've accumulated in my experience having PCOS or other conditions. I'm not a doctor, so nothing I say should EVER take place of a real diagnosis from your doctor. My eating plan described on this blog is one I've made for myself and I'm constantly changing it according to my body's needs.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Scratch
I know it's been a long time....a couple of months actually. I stop by with intentions of writing, but I've had so much going on in the past while, blogging just hasn't been up there on the list. I needed to get my shit straightened out. Things are going really well for me at the moment....which is probably why I haven't blogged as well. I'm almost afraid to admit I'm happy b/c I'm afraid that it will get messed up for saying so....like some big cosmic joke or something. I know that may seem stupid, but it is what it is.
So far I've lost 14 pounds. I quit smoking again....4 days now. I redecorated my home and we had some remodeling done. I'm keeping the place clean with ease....which is strange b/c this hasn't happened for me in a long time. My son just turned 4 which is probably the reason. He's calmed down a whole lot...not destroying my house anymore. Laurel's doing well in school. I switched her over to a computer program this year b/c I needed an "easy" button with all the chaos that has been my life. We just found a new homeschool group last week....all inclusive. I'm very excited about this b/c we haven't been in a homeschool group since my old one broke up. We have a fieldtrip with them on Tuesday. ☺☺☺
As for David and I.....we're slowly healing....or I guess I should say I'm slowly healing. David has been doing pretty well. I've seen him try harder this time than I've ever seen him before. He kinda scared me a couple weeks ago though with a few actions. He just got up one morning and went to church....to the church I hate...where they make fun of gay people. I told him I was upset b/c he didn't even let me know he was considering it. He apologized....and went back to the same place that night while I was gone. He left my sick son with my brother who was visiting at the time. I jumped his case again and told him he needed to communicate better and there was NO way we were going to that church with him. We finally compromised and I explained how I freak out every time he starts going back down this road....b/c it's a very narrow road he travels. He assured me there was no reason to freak out and then the next day $176 worth of relgious self help books arrived to my house. I was pretty pissed off. I pretty much let him know exactly what was on my mind. We again compromised. I told him I'd visit one last Independent Baptist church with him, but if it doesn't work out, he's going to have to try another denomination. He seems ok with this. Other than this, things have been pretty good. We've had a very regular sex life, he tells me how much he appreciates me all the time, and when I talk to him, he responds in full sentences without brushing me off. He's communicating a lot better. I no longer say, "When you cheated on me...". I call it the "incident" if we ever have to bring it up. So, I'm trying.....hard....and he is too. We'll see how things go.
I just wanted to get back to living. Last year was one of the hardest years of my life....chronic sickness for 4-5 months, marital problems, husband cheating on me, separation, cancer scare....it was a very bad year. I just needed time to get my life back in order. Blogging about all of it was like tearing the bandage off slowly. I just needed to do it without acknowledging it....it made things a lot less painful. It almost sounds like I didn't want my life to get back in order...but, what I mean is I wasn't sure if I wanted this life with David anymore. I had to make a conscious choice to just do it....to take my losses and move on. I saw how much it would affect my kids if I left....my daughter told me constantly. I had to do it for them if for nothing else. So, I did. I'm glad....b/c now I know that I want this life. Well, I at least want more more try at it. David knows....I won't stick around if it happens again. So, I'm taking one day at a time...starting over from scratch.
So far I've lost 14 pounds. I quit smoking again....4 days now. I redecorated my home and we had some remodeling done. I'm keeping the place clean with ease....which is strange b/c this hasn't happened for me in a long time. My son just turned 4 which is probably the reason. He's calmed down a whole lot...not destroying my house anymore. Laurel's doing well in school. I switched her over to a computer program this year b/c I needed an "easy" button with all the chaos that has been my life. We just found a new homeschool group last week....all inclusive. I'm very excited about this b/c we haven't been in a homeschool group since my old one broke up. We have a fieldtrip with them on Tuesday. ☺☺☺
As for David and I.....we're slowly healing....or I guess I should say I'm slowly healing. David has been doing pretty well. I've seen him try harder this time than I've ever seen him before. He kinda scared me a couple weeks ago though with a few actions. He just got up one morning and went to church....to the church I hate...where they make fun of gay people. I told him I was upset b/c he didn't even let me know he was considering it. He apologized....and went back to the same place that night while I was gone. He left my sick son with my brother who was visiting at the time. I jumped his case again and told him he needed to communicate better and there was NO way we were going to that church with him. We finally compromised and I explained how I freak out every time he starts going back down this road....b/c it's a very narrow road he travels. He assured me there was no reason to freak out and then the next day $176 worth of relgious self help books arrived to my house. I was pretty pissed off. I pretty much let him know exactly what was on my mind. We again compromised. I told him I'd visit one last Independent Baptist church with him, but if it doesn't work out, he's going to have to try another denomination. He seems ok with this. Other than this, things have been pretty good. We've had a very regular sex life, he tells me how much he appreciates me all the time, and when I talk to him, he responds in full sentences without brushing me off. He's communicating a lot better. I no longer say, "When you cheated on me...". I call it the "incident" if we ever have to bring it up. So, I'm trying.....hard....and he is too. We'll see how things go.
I just wanted to get back to living. Last year was one of the hardest years of my life....chronic sickness for 4-5 months, marital problems, husband cheating on me, separation, cancer scare....it was a very bad year. I just needed time to get my life back in order. Blogging about all of it was like tearing the bandage off slowly. I just needed to do it without acknowledging it....it made things a lot less painful. It almost sounds like I didn't want my life to get back in order...but, what I mean is I wasn't sure if I wanted this life with David anymore. I had to make a conscious choice to just do it....to take my losses and move on. I saw how much it would affect my kids if I left....my daughter told me constantly. I had to do it for them if for nothing else. So, I did. I'm glad....b/c now I know that I want this life. Well, I at least want more more try at it. David knows....I won't stick around if it happens again. So, I'm taking one day at a time...starting over from scratch.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Explode
It's been a month since I last posted. I'm ok with this. I needed to take a time-out to access the reality of my situation without being distracted wholly by my emotions and when I blog...it's me..putting all my emotion, raw and unfiltered for the world to see. Then I end up dwelling on it. I also didn't want to write again until I had something positive to write. I'm still not sure if I have a lot of "positive" to write, but I'm making my way there. I'm still dealing with a little depression here and there mostly b/c I'm still trying to deal with my feelings towards David and my marriage. Just when I begin feeling a bit happier, some buried emotion pops its way to the top and screams to get out. Then comes anger...sadness...not being satisfied. I find myself challenging David, wanting to see just how open he is to hearing about all the damage he's done. When the emotion builds up a lot, I finally let it loose. David has surprised me with his reaction. He takes it and takes it some more. Sometimes he tries to defend himself, but then he realizes he doesn't need to. I let him have his turn. I took care of him and he knows it, so now he's dealing with the wreckage that is me. The other night he went out with his long time friend...a friend I used to admire. David told me one time about how he and his friend would walk along and see some hot girl. His friend would say, "Her?". David might would say, "Yeah." This is code for, "Would you fuck her?" At one time I'd laugh about this b/c I never expected that my husband would go blind after marrying me and it's not like I've never admired Kevin Costner's ass in Robin Hood....or Jude Law's in Cold Mountain. Lust doesn't just automatically cut off after marriage...I'm not dumb. I just had security in knowing David wouldn't stray and he'd come home to my bed at night...at least I used to. Then there was the time right before David cheated when I called over at his friend's house to ask David something. It was shortly after he had left our house so I wasn't sure if he had made it there or not. His friend answered: "Hello?", "Hey, David there?", "Umm, yeah, but he can't come to the phone...he's in the bathroom." "It hasn't been long since he left, so I was expecting that he might not be there yet." "Oh, well umm he just stepped out.", "Umm, it's ok if he's not there, I just needed to ask him something. Will you tell him to call me when he gets there?" "Uhh...yeah". I was pretty pissed b/c I knew he was lieing. That pretty much let me know that his friend would be willing to cover for him no matter what...even if it hurt my children and I. He did this once more after David cheated on me. I'm pretty sure I will never like this guy again. So, David called me the other night when he was with this friend. He wanted to see if he could go eat with him since I had some plans of my own. I told him to go ahead. He thanked me and told me his friend thanked me too. I was short with David and he sensed this. I told him how I feel about his friend now. I told him I don't expect him to stop being friends with this guy, but I told him I will never respect this guy again and that I can't guarantee I'll be thrilled when he goes to hang out with him. David was accepting of this and understood where I was coming from. I was actually surprised.
I was even more surprised when I told him over a month ago that I'm not sure if I love him as much as I used to. I told him how I appreciate that he's been trying really hard, but I still just don't know how deep my love is anymore. Admitting this was kind of a shocker for me. It almost felt like it wasn't me saying it. I think it had been on the tip of my tongue, but I just didn't want to admit it. Even more shocking, was how David reacted. He held me...b/c I was crying. He said, "C'mon baby, you love me dontcha? I love you and I'll keep trying to show you." He also told me, "Let it all out...I know you need to." I cried and cried and cried. I said mean things to him and he held me even closer. I find myself wanting to test him....to see how much he can endure. I want to know if he's going to chicken out or try to half ass his way through all of this, but he keeps surprising me. I keep expecting him to pull away after I drop unpleasant words in his lap that I've been holding in. He still holds me, kisses me....validates me even. So, I guess we're making progress. I told him we need to change therapists b/c the lady we've been seeing is an idiot. He said ok. So, we're on the next leg of our journey. I'm just trying not to explode. It's hard some days.
Meanwhile, I am enjoying this wonderful holiday season. I love Christmas and it definitely helps things. I'm making a big feast for my family this year and doing every holiday craft I can get my hands on. This is therapeutic for my kids and I. I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas. Sorry if this is a boring post. Just thought I'd write for a change. Take care all and have a wonderful new year. Laters Gators.
From Nelly Furtado's "Explode"
We're counting the stars
We're counting the stars
We're gonna go far, we're gonna go far
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars
We're not very far, we're not very far
And it's you and me in the open air
It's truth or dare, we don't care
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars
I was even more surprised when I told him over a month ago that I'm not sure if I love him as much as I used to. I told him how I appreciate that he's been trying really hard, but I still just don't know how deep my love is anymore. Admitting this was kind of a shocker for me. It almost felt like it wasn't me saying it. I think it had been on the tip of my tongue, but I just didn't want to admit it. Even more shocking, was how David reacted. He held me...b/c I was crying. He said, "C'mon baby, you love me dontcha? I love you and I'll keep trying to show you." He also told me, "Let it all out...I know you need to." I cried and cried and cried. I said mean things to him and he held me even closer. I find myself wanting to test him....to see how much he can endure. I want to know if he's going to chicken out or try to half ass his way through all of this, but he keeps surprising me. I keep expecting him to pull away after I drop unpleasant words in his lap that I've been holding in. He still holds me, kisses me....validates me even. So, I guess we're making progress. I told him we need to change therapists b/c the lady we've been seeing is an idiot. He said ok. So, we're on the next leg of our journey. I'm just trying not to explode. It's hard some days.
Meanwhile, I am enjoying this wonderful holiday season. I love Christmas and it definitely helps things. I'm making a big feast for my family this year and doing every holiday craft I can get my hands on. This is therapeutic for my kids and I. I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas. Sorry if this is a boring post. Just thought I'd write for a change. Take care all and have a wonderful new year. Laters Gators.
From Nelly Furtado's "Explode"
We're counting the stars
We're counting the stars
We're gonna go far, we're gonna go far
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars
We're not very far, we're not very far
And it's you and me in the open air
It's truth or dare, we don't care
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Need You Now
I want to talk with my best friend.....the best friend that I married long ago. I'm having trouble reaching out to him. I feel alone. I need him now, but I can't....just can't....because he's the reason I hurt. I've cried another hundred tears tonight. It came out of nowhere. Things have been fine....really fine. Maybe this is why. I'm not ready for things to be fine. I want to bitch someone out...him....because I haven't been able to. He needed help, so I got strong. I want to be vulnerable. I want someone to hold me and let me sob. I want to be taken care of....but, I'm the caregiver. I want to be fragile and broken on the outside because this is how I feel on the inside. I wonder how long I'll be able to keep this up. I'm learning how to be two faced so well now....I'm afraid I won't be able to be one person again. I'm afraid of being forced to keep on a brave face because I have people that depend on me. I don't want to fail them....I came close enough to failing them. I feel like saying, "This isn't fair!", but I know I can't. It would be immature or the naive thing to say because we all know life isn't fair. I still really want to say it though. I want to shout it from a rooftop or to David's face....or maybe to my therapist. She told me it wouldn't be the best idea to tell David how I feel right now b/c "We don't want him to become suicidal again." It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!
And I still feel like an idiot for saying it. I need something....I need....just not sure what.
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
woah woaaah.
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now (wait)
Ooo, baby, I need you now
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!
And I still feel like an idiot for saying it. I need something....I need....just not sure what.
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
woah woaaah.
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now (wait)
Ooo, baby, I need you now
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Bleeding Love
Sometimes our hearts are like valves. They can only take so much pressure before needing a release, but you don't want to keep the valve open for too long or everything around you will become flooded and you'll drown in your own emotions. I was drowning. I had to turn off my "heart" valve for a little while so I could stop floundering in this mess that is my life.
I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't cried. I haven't lashed out on David. I've kept it together. I had to, just so I could give attention to the things that needed giving attention to. My kids needed a full time mommy....not just a shell of one. I think back on the first few weeks after "the hurt" happened and wish I could have been a better mommy. I was depressed....so depressed. I couldn't sleep, couldn't function. I couldn't reign in my emotions; there was either anger or sobbing or numbness. There was no in between. Fortunately, I had a good support network during this time.
My emotions.....and probably lack of sleep caused me to do a few stupid things. I may have found out David wasn't home at his dad's and called my brother to get him to come over so I could go look for David.....in the middle of the night...a couple of times. Then, I may have went searching in the bad part of town for the prostitute he was with so I could ask her if his story was true, because...you have to admit...David's story sounded kind of Bill Clinton-ish; "I did not have relations with that girl", only David's version was,"I only paid her 20 dollars to get a "small" favor." (Again, not that it matters what he did, b/c cheating is cheating, but I digress....I was not well.) Well, since I was driving in the bad part of town, and since I'm really good at finding out info, and since that info led me to the boyfriend of the hooker my husband was with, and since I was talking to said boyfriend on the side of the road....a cop may have stopped to search my car because I was talking to this bad guy. Yep...never had that happen before. I was so stunned that I may have turned right at a "no turn on red" and the same cop that searched my car came after me again and wrote me a ticket for $186 dollars for an "improper turn", even though I had nothing on my record and even though I was nice enough to let him do a search. Meany. (In actuality, I think he was just trying to scare me away from ever coming to that part of town again....I was very out of place there, but still, $186 seriously??.)
Fortunately, the DA dismissed my ticket totally (even he recognized it was dumb). Also, I did find out a little info from the hooker's boyfriend. Her street name was Twister....hmmm. I admit, I was all kinds of stupid. Love makes people dumb and lack of sleep can certainly do it too. At one point I had only 2 hours of sleep within a 50 hour stretch. I learned my lesson needless to say. Of course, this all happened just a few weeks after "the hurt" happened. I am back to a good frame of mind these days, so it's a little embarrassing to think back at those few weeks. Ehh, oh well...c'est la vie.
Then David became suicidal and you guys already know about that. Then, the cancer scare. Then our vehicles have literally taken turns every week being in the shop. I'm not even in a position where I could divorce if I tried. It takes 750 dollars to file for separation! Just separation.
The big issue was David. God...I think the hardest thing through all of this has been the amount of love I have for him. No one can tell me how to stop loving him or how to turn off my heart for him. So, I did what I do best and helped him. He's actually doing better now. As soon as he was able to admit to me what he was going to do and then I told him he couldn't do it, he was willing to hear the game plan I had in mind for him. I do realize, I really wasn't in the mental shape to help him nor did I have to, but someone had to be the one to put their big girl pants on for the sake of our kids. So, not only was he willing to hear the game plan, he has done everything necessary to begin digging himself out of his self-dug hole. He went on antidepressants which have helped tremendously (like I knew they would), he's in therapy (I am too), he got his STD test, and he bought a cellphone. He calls me all the time to let me know where he's at or when he's going to be late. I haven't had to check up on him hardly at all. I've let him know that we are still technically separated and I've told him I don't know where we're going from here. I want to believe he can change, but I am trying to stay real about all of this. That's been hard. We've pretty much been super nice to each other so we can keep our problems in therapy. It's created a false sense of security and I have to keep reminding myself of it because I do not know how I feel right now.
After everything that has happened, I feel so differently about the world. I do not cling to ideas of justice and life making sense. I do not cling to the idea of a soul mate. I understand that life is truly an everyday struggle and you don't always get back what you put into it like the cliche says. Bad things do happen to good people and karma is a bitch (also cliches).....my eyes are open now. Things are not always gumdrops and lollipops and I now know why the chicken crossed the road....b/c he was running away from his wife.(Yes I know this one wasn't a cliche, but I was on a roll. Oh, and David was the chicken btw.) All is not lost though. I do sincerely believe I'm not alone. It would have been easy for me to say I felt alone during this time just because I felt so miserable, but truthfully, a girl couldn't have asked for a better support group than what my friends have been to me.
I've got a long road ahead of me and I do not know where it is leading. I do know I won't be caught with my pants down (also...a cliche) next time (or his pants down rather). I am working towards the goal of getting back into school so I have something to fall back on. I have felt so helpless throughout this whole ordeal thinking about what kind of impoverished life my kids and I would live if we had to lean on my lack of skills. This has been a good lesson of sorts....a sucky lesson, but needed one in some respects.
I do not know how often I'll be blogging. My therapist has encouraged me to continue with my blogging to sort out my feelings, but it's hard opening the "valve" so I can bleed so much love, energy, anger....so much emotion. It can be quite difficult going back to the pain, but I know it's necessary if I'm ever going to get to a healthy place in my life. I'm taking each day as it comes.
Everyone has the fundamental need to love & be loved. It's learning how to hold onto it that is so complex.---Me
I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't cried. I haven't lashed out on David. I've kept it together. I had to, just so I could give attention to the things that needed giving attention to. My kids needed a full time mommy....not just a shell of one. I think back on the first few weeks after "the hurt" happened and wish I could have been a better mommy. I was depressed....so depressed. I couldn't sleep, couldn't function. I couldn't reign in my emotions; there was either anger or sobbing or numbness. There was no in between. Fortunately, I had a good support network during this time.
My emotions.....and probably lack of sleep caused me to do a few stupid things. I may have found out David wasn't home at his dad's and called my brother to get him to come over so I could go look for David.....in the middle of the night...a couple of times. Then, I may have went searching in the bad part of town for the prostitute he was with so I could ask her if his story was true, because...you have to admit...David's story sounded kind of Bill Clinton-ish; "I did not have relations with that girl", only David's version was,"I only paid her 20 dollars to get a "small" favor." (Again, not that it matters what he did, b/c cheating is cheating, but I digress....I was not well.) Well, since I was driving in the bad part of town, and since I'm really good at finding out info, and since that info led me to the boyfriend of the hooker my husband was with, and since I was talking to said boyfriend on the side of the road....a cop may have stopped to search my car because I was talking to this bad guy. Yep...never had that happen before. I was so stunned that I may have turned right at a "no turn on red" and the same cop that searched my car came after me again and wrote me a ticket for $186 dollars for an "improper turn", even though I had nothing on my record and even though I was nice enough to let him do a search. Meany. (In actuality, I think he was just trying to scare me away from ever coming to that part of town again....I was very out of place there, but still, $186 seriously??.)
Fortunately, the DA dismissed my ticket totally (even he recognized it was dumb). Also, I did find out a little info from the hooker's boyfriend. Her street name was Twister....hmmm. I admit, I was all kinds of stupid. Love makes people dumb and lack of sleep can certainly do it too. At one point I had only 2 hours of sleep within a 50 hour stretch. I learned my lesson needless to say. Of course, this all happened just a few weeks after "the hurt" happened. I am back to a good frame of mind these days, so it's a little embarrassing to think back at those few weeks. Ehh, oh well...c'est la vie.
Then David became suicidal and you guys already know about that. Then, the cancer scare. Then our vehicles have literally taken turns every week being in the shop. I'm not even in a position where I could divorce if I tried. It takes 750 dollars to file for separation! Just separation.
The big issue was David. God...I think the hardest thing through all of this has been the amount of love I have for him. No one can tell me how to stop loving him or how to turn off my heart for him. So, I did what I do best and helped him. He's actually doing better now. As soon as he was able to admit to me what he was going to do and then I told him he couldn't do it, he was willing to hear the game plan I had in mind for him. I do realize, I really wasn't in the mental shape to help him nor did I have to, but someone had to be the one to put their big girl pants on for the sake of our kids. So, not only was he willing to hear the game plan, he has done everything necessary to begin digging himself out of his self-dug hole. He went on antidepressants which have helped tremendously (like I knew they would), he's in therapy (I am too), he got his STD test, and he bought a cellphone. He calls me all the time to let me know where he's at or when he's going to be late. I haven't had to check up on him hardly at all. I've let him know that we are still technically separated and I've told him I don't know where we're going from here. I want to believe he can change, but I am trying to stay real about all of this. That's been hard. We've pretty much been super nice to each other so we can keep our problems in therapy. It's created a false sense of security and I have to keep reminding myself of it because I do not know how I feel right now.
After everything that has happened, I feel so differently about the world. I do not cling to ideas of justice and life making sense. I do not cling to the idea of a soul mate. I understand that life is truly an everyday struggle and you don't always get back what you put into it like the cliche says. Bad things do happen to good people and karma is a bitch (also cliches).....my eyes are open now. Things are not always gumdrops and lollipops and I now know why the chicken crossed the road....b/c he was running away from his wife.(Yes I know this one wasn't a cliche, but I was on a roll. Oh, and David was the chicken btw.) All is not lost though. I do sincerely believe I'm not alone. It would have been easy for me to say I felt alone during this time just because I felt so miserable, but truthfully, a girl couldn't have asked for a better support group than what my friends have been to me.
I've got a long road ahead of me and I do not know where it is leading. I do know I won't be caught with my pants down (also...a cliche) next time (or his pants down rather). I am working towards the goal of getting back into school so I have something to fall back on. I have felt so helpless throughout this whole ordeal thinking about what kind of impoverished life my kids and I would live if we had to lean on my lack of skills. This has been a good lesson of sorts....a sucky lesson, but needed one in some respects.
I do not know how often I'll be blogging. My therapist has encouraged me to continue with my blogging to sort out my feelings, but it's hard opening the "valve" so I can bleed so much love, energy, anger....so much emotion. It can be quite difficult going back to the pain, but I know it's necessary if I'm ever going to get to a healthy place in my life. I'm taking each day as it comes.
Everyone has the fundamental need to love & be loved. It's learning how to hold onto it that is so complex.---Me
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Biopsy
I could sit here and tell you the long list of crazy things that have happened since David cheated on me in August, but right now I just don't have the strength to. Honestly, I just don't want to type it all out b/c all of it is so friggin ridiculous. For those of you that follow me on FB, just know I keep things pretty low key there simply b/c I have lots of family on my FB and I also have some of my husband's family on there as well. So, that's why you won't see any of the stuff I say here, on Facebook.
Well, I have to get a uterine biopsy on Monday. Thanks polycistic ovary syndrome. I had two very long periods 2 weeks apart, so my doc is concerned. It will be a painful procedure and I am dreading it with every fiber of my being.
Oh, and my husband revealed to me a couple weeks ago that he wanted to kill himself....he had been planning it. Oh, and before that.....I thought I might have had gonnorhea b/c of some burning I was having. I had to be the one to get the STD tests first b/c David was too chicken. Fortunately, everything came back normal and I only had a urinary tract infection....but still....it sucked that I even had to question it.
(sigh)So, once again I was put into a position of feeling like I needed to be the strong one, which ended up being ok. David is finally taking all the necessary steps to get better. He's had an STD test,he went to the doc to get on antidepressants, he's scheduled for therapy and is about to purchase a cellphone (so I can keep tabs). These steps are a good start.
As for me, I am on antidepressants as well. I've just had a pretty hard time coping with all of this. It was affecting my day to day activities so I had to do something. I feel pretty much sucked dry right now. I look back at the few good months I had earlier this year and it seems like a dream. I've gained the weight back, still struggling to quit smoking again, and I'm never sure of myself these days. The heaps of confidence I had are gone....I miss it. I went to my first therapy appointment today and she gave me a book to read. It's called After the Affair. I sat in the Wal-Mart parking lot crying while reading it. I cried b/c I identified with the stories told in the book and I cried also, b/c the book validated all the craziness that's been in my head. It actually said I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't experiencing this, so I was kinda relieved....tears of relief. I cried b/c I've been burying my feelings a lot of the time and this book is getting me in touch with those emotions. So, I guess this is a good first step.....trying not to bury my feelings anymore. I guess that's why I haven't blogged here lately.....just couldn't type what I've been feeling. It's been too much.
I let David come back home a few days ago.....but it's not what you think. Unfortunately, his family began poking their nose into our lives...particularly mine...involving MY car repairs. They were talking trash behind my back to the mechanic. They talked trash about how I stay home with my kids while David works so hard. David still hasn't told his dad and bro about his infedelity. They'd probably twist that around too. I knew this would happen. I really liked my inlaws....I knew this whole thing would change their view of me even though it's not my fault. (sigh) They underestimated my rapport with my mechanic. He told me everything. I told David to come home so we could keep our business to ourselves. I needed this to be one less thing on my plate. Also, my son has been very difficult to deal with since David and I were separated....I mean really difficult....I mean...he pooped in my bathroom sink one day. He began laughing at me when I'd discipline him or fuss at him. He'd climb to high places where I couldn't reach him and wouldn't come down...he'd smile at me. I was not doing well with the whole single parenting thing. I was ready to have help again....at least for the time being. David and I are still technically separated even though we're living in the same house. We know there's still the possibility that we won't work out.....although for the first time in a while he seems to be showing me he really does want us back. So, I don't know. I read in this After the Affair that it's very common for the "hurt" one to debase and forfeit basic values to win their partner back. I went through that and to some degree I think I am still doing that b/c I love him and a big part of me wants "us" to work out. I keep the fundamental hope that he will change once and for all. I'm also reading in this book that it's common for the "hurt" one to lose fundamental sense of order and justice in the universe....and that the world will no longer make sense. And the world doesn't really make sense to me anymore...so I'm just going with the flow for the moment...trying to get better. So, that's where I've been....just so ya know. Hope you all are doing well. :)
Well, I have to get a uterine biopsy on Monday. Thanks polycistic ovary syndrome. I had two very long periods 2 weeks apart, so my doc is concerned. It will be a painful procedure and I am dreading it with every fiber of my being.
Oh, and my husband revealed to me a couple weeks ago that he wanted to kill himself....he had been planning it. Oh, and before that.....I thought I might have had gonnorhea b/c of some burning I was having. I had to be the one to get the STD tests first b/c David was too chicken. Fortunately, everything came back normal and I only had a urinary tract infection....but still....it sucked that I even had to question it.
(sigh)So, once again I was put into a position of feeling like I needed to be the strong one, which ended up being ok. David is finally taking all the necessary steps to get better. He's had an STD test,he went to the doc to get on antidepressants, he's scheduled for therapy and is about to purchase a cellphone (so I can keep tabs). These steps are a good start.
As for me, I am on antidepressants as well. I've just had a pretty hard time coping with all of this. It was affecting my day to day activities so I had to do something. I feel pretty much sucked dry right now. I look back at the few good months I had earlier this year and it seems like a dream. I've gained the weight back, still struggling to quit smoking again, and I'm never sure of myself these days. The heaps of confidence I had are gone....I miss it. I went to my first therapy appointment today and she gave me a book to read. It's called After the Affair. I sat in the Wal-Mart parking lot crying while reading it. I cried b/c I identified with the stories told in the book and I cried also, b/c the book validated all the craziness that's been in my head. It actually said I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't experiencing this, so I was kinda relieved....tears of relief. I cried b/c I've been burying my feelings a lot of the time and this book is getting me in touch with those emotions. So, I guess this is a good first step.....trying not to bury my feelings anymore. I guess that's why I haven't blogged here lately.....just couldn't type what I've been feeling. It's been too much.
I let David come back home a few days ago.....but it's not what you think. Unfortunately, his family began poking their nose into our lives...particularly mine...involving MY car repairs. They were talking trash behind my back to the mechanic. They talked trash about how I stay home with my kids while David works so hard. David still hasn't told his dad and bro about his infedelity. They'd probably twist that around too. I knew this would happen. I really liked my inlaws....I knew this whole thing would change their view of me even though it's not my fault. (sigh) They underestimated my rapport with my mechanic. He told me everything. I told David to come home so we could keep our business to ourselves. I needed this to be one less thing on my plate. Also, my son has been very difficult to deal with since David and I were separated....I mean really difficult....I mean...he pooped in my bathroom sink one day. He began laughing at me when I'd discipline him or fuss at him. He'd climb to high places where I couldn't reach him and wouldn't come down...he'd smile at me. I was not doing well with the whole single parenting thing. I was ready to have help again....at least for the time being. David and I are still technically separated even though we're living in the same house. We know there's still the possibility that we won't work out.....although for the first time in a while he seems to be showing me he really does want us back. So, I don't know. I read in this After the Affair that it's very common for the "hurt" one to debase and forfeit basic values to win their partner back. I went through that and to some degree I think I am still doing that b/c I love him and a big part of me wants "us" to work out. I keep the fundamental hope that he will change once and for all. I'm also reading in this book that it's common for the "hurt" one to lose fundamental sense of order and justice in the universe....and that the world will no longer make sense. And the world doesn't really make sense to me anymore...so I'm just going with the flow for the moment...trying to get better. So, that's where I've been....just so ya know. Hope you all are doing well. :)
Friday, September 17, 2010
It Don't Hurt, Anything But Down, and Closer to Fine
Yes, a 3 song title this time...it's one of those days. I know my blogs have been very personal here lately. This blog is my diary. What makes this one different is that I get to share it with people and I get feedback from time to time....which is very nice. But even if I don't get feedback...I assure you, the purpose of this blog is still being fullfilled. So I hope I didn't make you guys feel put on the spot. Sorry if I did. For the first couple of weeks after David cheated, I drank a good bit of wine to numb the pain....of course when my children weren't around. A little was enough to dull the pain temporarily. Well, I stopped my one glass a day b/c for one I'm not really a drinker....second, I don't want to be a drinker and third b/c it makes me retain water really bad. I've went back to my occasional "girl's nights". Also, I knew it was time to begin the real grieving process and part of that has been to write out all my feelings. I've written all the hurt and confusing feelings here to help me sort them out....but they're just that...feelings. David is still gone and there's still a very good chance all of this will end in divorce. B/c I still don't see him taking extrordinary measures on his part to change things. He says he's calling the counselor on Monday. He's been working loads of hours...and that i get, but he's living w/ his dad now and he STILL hasn't told his father what he did. He has told one friend...ONE!!! This pisses me off very much. All of it does. He barely calls and yeah, I know we are separated, but I guess I just figured if he wants to do "whatever it takes" to win me back, then maybe there'd be more effing phonecalls. Oh well. I wrote out all the hurt and I needed to admit my flaws so I could try and understand how any of it makes sense. But, I still keep coming back to the same conclusion. Yeah, I'm not perfect, but....I DID NOT PAY ANYBODY $20 TO GET OFF!!!! EVER!! He's the only man I've let touch me in over NINE YEARS!!!!! He's abused me and sucked me dry and yeah, I can see where he might feel I've done some "sucking" of my own, but I still didn't screw anyone!!! Also, I worked on MY issues and he's still at friggin square ONE!!!!So, now I'm in the anger phase and I'm blogging it all out b/c ya know why? After I blogged all the hurt and confusion something strange happened......I mopped my floor. My house is getting closer to being clean! I haven't cried today and it wasn't a bad day although I do admit I still didn't get a whole lot accomplished but I'm getting there....little by little. So, I will continue to blog out all these "feelings" and I promise you it doesn't mean I'm taking back my husband anytime soon....if ever. This is just a place I put the feelings and the words....the words I need to say but can't say to him b/c he's such a friggin ignoramus when it comes to communication.. All I feel like doing right now is punching something, vowing to a life of celebacy, and listening to hate songs and maybe a bit of the Indigo Girls.
On a lighter note, my birthday is next Tuesday. I'm turning the big 3-0. I cried on my last birthday and locked myself in my bedroom over the fact this is my last year in my twenties. I had gotten myself all hyped up about this being a positive birthday and this birthday being the most kickass b-day ever! Then all the crap happened. None of my family has even talked about doing anything for my b-day, so that pisses me off too. However, I have the most awesome friends in the world. My friend Kimber is throwing me a slumber party. We are all meeting at this really great mexican restaurant where we will sit around drinking sangria and most likely will make lots of raunchy jokes....that will send sangria flying through our noses. Then, we'll go window shopping...maybe have coffee...(still haven't given up on finding a karaoke place)...and then we'll go to a hotel where Kimber has reserved us a sweet little room. From there we'll drink pina coladas, dacquiris, cosmos, and wine....and play boardgames....and probably gab more about men problems. It will be FUN!!! I've been so fortunate to be surrounded by a plethora of strong women....women like the Amazon and then you strong women too here on my blog. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through these past few weeks without all of you. All of my blog readers have been super wonderful to me, but I especially want to thank Robin, Chris, and Kimber. You guys have been like big sisters and have especially watched over me here lately and encouraged me even more than usual. And I've never even met two of you! lol Thank you for everything....all of you. I will continue to value all my blog reader's opinions with the highest regard. Thank you so much.
PS-soon I will write my b-day post. Here was last year's: http://windingroad-dalilah.blogspot.com/2009/09/b-day.html
Listen to the music!! You might just love it. ☺☺☺ Then you might just feel like smashing things along with me. lol!
Both of these songs speak a lot of what I'm feeling, but this one puts it perfectly....
And last, but certainly not least......Indigo Girls w/ Closer to Fine. Get up and dance to it in your office or your living room with wild abandon ....b/c that's what I'm going to do. If I wish it, I can be it....you can too.
On a lighter note, my birthday is next Tuesday. I'm turning the big 3-0. I cried on my last birthday and locked myself in my bedroom over the fact this is my last year in my twenties. I had gotten myself all hyped up about this being a positive birthday and this birthday being the most kickass b-day ever! Then all the crap happened. None of my family has even talked about doing anything for my b-day, so that pisses me off too. However, I have the most awesome friends in the world. My friend Kimber is throwing me a slumber party. We are all meeting at this really great mexican restaurant where we will sit around drinking sangria and most likely will make lots of raunchy jokes....that will send sangria flying through our noses. Then, we'll go window shopping...maybe have coffee...(still haven't given up on finding a karaoke place)...and then we'll go to a hotel where Kimber has reserved us a sweet little room. From there we'll drink pina coladas, dacquiris, cosmos, and wine....and play boardgames....and probably gab more about men problems. It will be FUN!!! I've been so fortunate to be surrounded by a plethora of strong women....women like the Amazon and then you strong women too here on my blog. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through these past few weeks without all of you. All of my blog readers have been super wonderful to me, but I especially want to thank Robin, Chris, and Kimber. You guys have been like big sisters and have especially watched over me here lately and encouraged me even more than usual. And I've never even met two of you! lol Thank you for everything....all of you. I will continue to value all my blog reader's opinions with the highest regard. Thank you so much.
PS-soon I will write my b-day post. Here was last year's: http://windingroad-dalilah.blogspot.com/2009/09/b-day.html
Listen to the music!! You might just love it. ☺☺☺ Then you might just feel like smashing things along with me. lol!
Both of these songs speak a lot of what I'm feeling, but this one puts it perfectly....
And last, but certainly not least......Indigo Girls w/ Closer to Fine. Get up and dance to it in your office or your living room with wild abandon ....b/c that's what I'm going to do. If I wish it, I can be it....you can too.
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