Saving My Life

2011-10-30T20:55:00.001-07:00

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Scratch

2011-03-06T22:22:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a long time....a couple of months actually. I stop by with intentions of writing, but I've had so much going on in the past while, blogging just hasn't been up there on the list. I needed to get my shit straightened out. Things are going really well for me at the moment....which is probably why I haven't blogged as well. I'm almost afraid to admit I'm happy b/c I'm afraid that it will get messed up for saying so....like some big cosmic joke or something. I know that may seem stupid, but it is what it is.
   So far I've lost 14 pounds. I quit smoking again....4 days now. I redecorated my home and we had some remodeling done. I'm keeping the place clean with ease....which is strange b/c this hasn't happened for me in a long time. My son just turned 4 which is probably the reason. He's calmed down a whole lot...not destroying my house anymore. Laurel's doing well in school. I switched her over to a computer program this year b/c I needed an "easy" button with all the chaos that has been my life. We just found a new homeschool group last week....all inclusive. I'm very excited about this b/c we haven't been in a homeschool group since my old one broke up. We have a fieldtrip with them on Tuesday. ☺☺☺
   As for David and I.....we're slowly healing....or I guess I should say I'm slowly healing. David has been doing pretty well. I've seen him try harder this time than I've ever seen him before. He kinda scared me a couple weeks ago though with a few actions. He just got up one morning and went to church....to the church I hate...where they make fun of gay people. I told him I was upset b/c he didn't even let me know he was considering it. He apologized....and went back to the same place that night while I was gone. He left my sick son with my brother who was visiting at the time. I jumped his case again and told him he needed to communicate better and there was NO way we were going to that church with him. We finally compromised and I explained how I freak out every time he starts going back down this road....b/c it's a very narrow road he travels. He assured me there was no reason to freak out and then the next day $176 worth of relgious self help books arrived to my house. I was pretty pissed off. I pretty much let him know exactly what was on my mind. We again compromised. I told him I'd visit one last Independent Baptist church with him, but if it doesn't work out, he's going to have to try another denomination. He seems ok with this. Other than this, things have been pretty good. We've had a very regular sex life, he tells me how much he appreciates me all the time, and when I talk to him, he responds in full sentences without brushing me off. He's communicating a lot better. I no longer say, "When you cheated on me...". I call it the "incident" if we ever have to bring it up. So, I'm trying.....hard....and he is too. We'll see how things go.
   I just wanted to get back to living. Last year was one of the hardest years of my life....chronic sickness for 4-5 months, marital problems, husband cheating on me, separation, cancer scare....it was a very bad year. I just needed time to get my life back in order. Blogging about all of it was like tearing the bandage off slowly. I just needed to do it without acknowledging it....it made things a lot less painful. It almost sounds like I didn't want my life to get back in order...but, what I mean is I wasn't sure if I wanted this life with David anymore. I had to make a conscious choice to just do it....to take my losses and move on. I saw how much it would affect my kids if I left....my daughter told me constantly. I had to do it for them if for nothing else. So, I did. I'm glad....b/c now I know that I want this life. Well, I at least want more more try at it. David knows....I won't stick around if it happens again. So, I'm taking one day at a time...starting over from scratch.

Explode

2010-12-20T20:15:00.000-08:00

It's been a month since I last posted. I'm ok with this. I needed to take a time-out to access the reality of my situation without being distracted wholly by my emotions and when I blog...it's me..putting all my emotion, raw and unfiltered for the world to see. Then I end up dwelling on it. I also didn't want to write again until I had something positive to write. I'm still not sure if I have a lot of "positive" to write, but I'm making my way there. I'm still dealing with a little depression here and there mostly b/c I'm still trying to deal with my feelings towards David and my marriage. Just when I begin feeling a bit happier, some buried emotion pops its way to the top and screams to get out. Then comes anger...sadness...not being satisfied. I find myself challenging David, wanting to see just how open he is to hearing about all the damage he's done. When the emotion builds up a lot, I finally let it loose. David has surprised me with his reaction. He takes it and takes it some more. Sometimes he tries to defend himself, but then he realizes he doesn't need to. I let him have his turn. I took care of him and he knows it, so now he's dealing with the wreckage that is me. The other night he went out with his long time friend...a friend I used to admire. David told me one time about how he and his friend would walk along and see some hot girl. His friend would say, "Her?". David might would say, "Yeah." This is code for, "Would you fuck her?" At one time I'd laugh about this b/c I never expected that my husband would go blind after marrying me and it's not like I've never admired Kevin Costner's ass in Robin Hood....or Jude Law's in Cold Mountain. Lust doesn't just automatically cut off after marriage...I'm not dumb. I just had security in knowing David wouldn't stray and he'd come home to my bed at night...at least I used to. Then there was the time right before David cheated when I called over at his friend's house to ask David something. It was shortly after he had left our house so I wasn't sure if he had made it there or not. His friend answered: "Hello?", "Hey, David there?", "Umm, yeah, but he can't come to the phone...he's in the bathroom." "It hasn't been long since he left, so I was expecting that he might not be there yet." "Oh, well umm he just stepped out.", "Umm, it's ok if he's not there, I just needed to ask him something. Will you tell him to call me when he gets there?" "Uhh...yeah". I was pretty pissed b/c I knew he was lieing. That pretty much let me know that his friend would be willing to cover for him no matter what...even if it hurt my children and I. He did this once more after David cheated on me. I'm pretty sure I will never like this guy again. So, David called me the other night when he was with this friend. He wanted to see if he could go eat with him since I had some plans of my own. I told him to go ahead. He thanked me and told me his friend thanked me too. I was short with David and he sensed this. I told him how I feel about his friend now. I told him I don't expect him to stop being friends with this guy, but I told him I will never respect this guy again and that I can't guarantee I'll be thrilled when he goes to hang out with him. David was accepting of this and understood where I was coming from. I was actually surprised.
I was even more surprised when I told him over a month ago that I'm not sure if I love him as much as I used to. I told him how I appreciate that he's been trying really hard, but I still just don't know how deep my love is anymore. Admitting this was kind of a shocker for me. It almost felt like it wasn't me saying it. I think it had been on the tip of my tongue, but I just didn't want to admit it. Even more shocking, was how David reacted. He held me...b/c I was crying. He said, "C'mon baby, you love me dontcha? I love you and I'll keep trying to show you." He also told me, "Let it all out...I know you need to." I cried and cried and cried. I said mean things to him and he held me even closer. I find myself wanting to test him....to see how much he can endure. I want to know if he's going to chicken out or try to half ass his way through all of this, but he keeps surprising me. I keep expecting him to pull away after I drop unpleasant words in his lap that I've been holding in. He still holds me, kisses me....validates me even. So, I guess we're making progress. I told him we need to change therapists b/c the lady we've been seeing is an idiot. He said ok. So, we're on the next leg of our journey. I'm just trying not to explode. It's hard some days.
Meanwhile, I am enjoying this wonderful holiday season. I love Christmas and it definitely helps things. I'm making a big feast for my family this year and doing every holiday craft I can get my hands on. This is therapeutic for my kids and I. I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas. Sorry if this is a boring post. Just thought I'd write for a change. Take care all and have a wonderful new year. Laters Gators.

From Nelly Furtado's "Explode"
We're counting the stars
We're counting the stars
We're gonna go far, we're gonna go far
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars
We're not very far, we're not very far

And it's you and me in the open air
It's truth or dare, we don't care
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars

Need You Now

2010-11-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

I want to talk with my best friend.....the best friend that I married long ago. I'm having trouble reaching out to him. I feel alone. I need him now, but I can't....just can't....because he's the reason I hurt. I've cried another hundred tears tonight. It came out of nowhere. Things have been fine....really fine. Maybe this is why. I'm not ready for things to be fine. I want to bitch someone out...him....because I haven't been able to. He needed help, so I got strong. I want to be vulnerable. I want someone to hold me and let me sob. I want to be taken care of....but, I'm the caregiver. I want to be fragile and broken on the outside because this is how I feel on the inside. I wonder how long I'll be able to keep this up. I'm learning how to be two faced so well now....I'm afraid I won't be able to be one person again. I'm afraid of being forced to keep on a brave face because I have people that depend on me. I don't want to fail them....I came close enough to failing them. I feel like saying, "This isn't fair!", but I know I can't. It would be immature or the naive thing to say because we all know life isn't fair. I still really want to say it though. I want to shout it from a rooftop or to David's face....or maybe to my therapist. She told me it wouldn't be the best idea to tell David how I feel right now b/c "We don't want him to become suicidal again." It's not fair.

It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!

And I still feel like an idiot for saying it. I need something....I need....just not sure what.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

woah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now (wait)

Ooo, baby, I need you now

Bleeding Love

2010-11-02T00:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes our hearts are like valves. They can only take so much pressure before needing a release, but you don't want to keep the valve open for too long or everything around you will become flooded and you'll drown in your own emotions. I was drowning. I had to turn off my "heart" valve for a little while so I could stop floundering in this mess that is my life.
   I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't cried. I haven't lashed out on David. I've kept it together. I had to, just so I could give attention to the things that needed giving attention to. My kids needed a full time mommy....not just a shell of one. I think back on the first few weeks after "the hurt" happened and wish I could have been a better mommy. I was depressed....so depressed. I couldn't sleep, couldn't function. I couldn't reign in my emotions; there was either anger or sobbing or numbness. There was no in between. Fortunately, I had a good support network during this time.
   My emotions.....and probably lack of sleep caused me to do a few stupid things. I may have found out David wasn't home at his dad's and called my brother to get him to come over so I could go look for David.....in the middle of the night...a couple of times. Then, I may have went searching in the bad part of town for the prostitute he was with so I could ask her if his story was true, because...you have to admit...David's story sounded kind of Bill Clinton-ish; "I did not have relations with that girl", only David's version was,"I only paid her 20 dollars to get a "small" favor." (Again, not that it matters what he did, b/c cheating is cheating, but I digress....I was not well.) Well, since I was driving in the bad part of town, and since I'm really good at finding out info, and since that info led me to the boyfriend of the hooker my husband was with, and since I was talking to said boyfriend on the side of the road....a cop may have stopped to search my car because I was talking to this bad guy. Yep...never had that happen before. I was so stunned that I may have turned right at a "no turn on red" and the same cop that searched my car came after me again and wrote me a ticket for $186 dollars for an "improper turn", even though I had nothing on my record and even though I was nice enough to let him do a search. Meany. (In actuality, I think he was just trying to scare me away from ever coming to that part of town again....I was very out of place there, but still, $186 seriously??.)
   Fortunately, the DA dismissed my ticket totally (even he recognized it was dumb). Also, I did find out a little info from the hooker's boyfriend. Her street name was Twister....hmmm. I admit, I was all kinds of stupid. Love makes people dumb and lack of sleep can certainly do it too. At one point I had only 2 hours of sleep within a 50 hour stretch. I learned my lesson needless to say. Of course, this all happened just a few weeks after "the hurt" happened. I am back to a good frame of mind these days, so it's a little embarrassing to think back at those few weeks. Ehh, oh well...c'est la vie.
   Then David became suicidal and you guys already know about that. Then, the cancer scare. Then our vehicles have literally taken turns every week being in the shop. I'm not even in a position where I could divorce if I tried. It takes 750 dollars to file for separation! Just separation.
  The big issue was David. God...I think the hardest thing through all of this has been the amount of love I have for him. No one can tell me how to stop loving him or how to turn off my heart for him. So, I did what I do best and helped him. He's actually doing better now. As soon as he was able to admit to me what he was going to do and then I told him he couldn't do it, he was willing to hear the game plan I had in mind for him. I do realize, I really wasn't in the mental shape to help him nor did I have to, but someone had to be the one to put their big girl pants on for the sake of our kids. So, not only was he willing to hear the game plan, he has done everything necessary to begin digging himself out of his self-dug hole. He went on antidepressants which have helped tremendously (like I knew they would), he's in therapy (I am too), he got his STD test, and he bought a cellphone. He calls me all the time to let me know where he's at or when he's going to be late. I haven't had to check up on him hardly at all. I've let him know that we are still technically separated and I've told him I don't know where we're going from here. I want to believe he can change, but I am trying to stay real about all of this. That's been hard. We've pretty much been super nice to each other so we can keep our problems in therapy. It's created a false sense of security and I have to keep reminding myself of it because I do not know how I feel right now.
   After everything that has happened, I feel so differently about the world. I do not cling to ideas of justice and life making sense. I do not cling to the idea of a soul mate. I understand that life is truly an everyday struggle and you don't always get back what you put into it like the cliche says. Bad things do happen to good people and karma is a bitch (also cliches).....my eyes are open now. Things are not always gumdrops and lollipops and I now know why the chicken crossed the road....b/c he was running away from his wife.(Yes I know this one wasn't a cliche, but I was on a roll. Oh, and David was the chicken btw.) All is not lost though. I do sincerely believe I'm not alone. It would have been easy for me to say I felt alone during this time just because I felt so miserable, but truthfully, a girl couldn't have asked for a better support group than what my friends have been to me.
  I've got a long road ahead of me and I do not know where it is leading. I do know I won't be caught with my pants down (also...a cliche) next time (or his pants down rather). I am working towards the goal of getting back into school so I have something to fall back on. I have felt so helpless throughout this whole ordeal thinking about what kind of impoverished life my kids and I would live if we had to lean on my lack of skills. This has been a good lesson of sorts....a sucky lesson, but needed one in some respects.
   I do not know how often I'll be blogging. My therapist has encouraged me to continue with my blogging to sort out my feelings, but it's hard opening the "valve" so I can bleed so much love, energy, anger....so much emotion. It can be quite difficult going back to the pain, but I know it's necessary if I'm ever going to get to a healthy place in my life. I'm taking each day as it comes.

Everyone has the fundamental need to love & be loved. It's learning how to hold onto it that is so complex.---Me

Bleeding Love @ Yahoo! Video

Biopsy

2010-10-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

I could sit here and tell you the long list of crazy things that have happened since David cheated on me in August, but right now I just don't have the strength to. Honestly, I just don't want to type it all out b/c all of it is so friggin ridiculous. For those of you that follow me on FB, just know I keep things pretty low key there simply b/c I have lots of family on my FB and I also have some of my husband's family on there as well. So, that's why you won't see any of the stuff I say here, on Facebook.
Well, I have to get a uterine biopsy on Monday. Thanks polycistic ovary syndrome. I had two very long periods 2 weeks apart, so my doc is concerned. It will be a painful procedure and I am dreading it with every fiber of my being.
Oh, and my husband revealed to me a couple weeks ago that he wanted to kill himself....he had been planning it. Oh, and before that.....I thought I might have had gonnorhea b/c of some burning I was having. I had to be the one to get the STD tests first b/c David was too chicken. Fortunately, everything came back normal and I only had a urinary tract infection....but still....it sucked that I even had to question it.
(sigh)So, once again I was put into a position of feeling like I needed to be the strong one, which ended up being ok. David is finally taking all the necessary steps to get better. He's had an STD test,he went to the doc to get on antidepressants, he's scheduled for therapy and is about to purchase a cellphone (so I can keep tabs). These steps are a good start.
As for me, I am on antidepressants as well. I've just had a pretty hard time coping with all of this. It was affecting my day to day activities so I had to do something. I feel pretty much sucked dry right now. I look back at the few good months I had earlier this year and it seems like a dream. I've gained the weight back, still struggling to quit smoking again, and I'm never sure of myself these days. The heaps of confidence I had are gone....I miss it. I went to my first therapy appointment today and she gave me a book to read. It's called After the Affair. I sat in the Wal-Mart parking lot crying while reading it. I cried b/c I identified with the stories told in the book and I cried also, b/c the book validated all the craziness that's been in my head. It actually said I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't experiencing this, so I was kinda relieved....tears of relief. I cried b/c I've been burying my feelings a lot of the time and this book is getting me in touch with those emotions. So, I guess this is a good first step.....trying not to bury my feelings anymore. I guess that's why I haven't blogged here lately.....just couldn't type what I've been feeling. It's been too much.
I let David come back home a few days ago.....but it's not what you think. Unfortunately, his family began poking their nose into our lives...particularly mine...involving MY car repairs. They were talking trash behind my back to the mechanic. They talked trash about how I stay home with my kids while David works so hard. David still hasn't told his dad and bro about his infedelity. They'd probably twist that around too. I knew this would happen. I really liked my inlaws....I knew this whole thing would change their view of me even though it's not my fault. (sigh) They underestimated my rapport with my mechanic. He told me everything. I told David to come home so we could keep our business to ourselves. I needed this to be one less thing on my plate. Also, my son has been very difficult to deal with since David and I were separated....I mean really difficult....I mean...he pooped in my bathroom sink one day. He began laughing at me when I'd discipline him or fuss at him. He'd climb to high places where I couldn't reach him and wouldn't come down...he'd smile at me. I was not doing well with the whole single parenting thing. I was ready to have help again....at least for the time being. David and I are still technically separated even though we're living in the same house. We know there's still the possibility that we won't work out.....although for the first time in a while he seems to be showing me he really does want us back. So, I don't know. I read in this After the Affair that it's very common for the "hurt" one to debase and forfeit basic values to win their partner back. I went through that and to some degree I think I am still doing that b/c I love him and a big part of me wants "us" to work out. I keep the fundamental hope that he will change once and for all. I'm also reading in this book that it's common for the "hurt" one to lose fundamental sense of order and justice in the universe....and that the world will no longer make sense. And the world doesn't really make sense to me anymore...so I'm just going with the flow for the moment...trying to get better. So, that's where I've been....just so ya know. Hope you all are doing well. :)

It Don't Hurt, Anything But Down, and Closer to Fine

2010-09-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, a 3 song title this time...it's one of those days. I know my blogs have been very personal here lately. This blog is my diary. What makes this one different is that I get to share it with people and I get feedback from time to time....which is very nice. But even if I don't get feedback...I assure you, the purpose of this blog is still being fullfilled. So I hope I didn't make you guys feel put on the spot. Sorry if I did. For the first couple of weeks after David cheated, I drank a good bit of wine to numb the pain....of course when my children weren't around. A little was enough to dull the pain temporarily. Well, I stopped my one glass a day b/c for one I'm not really a drinker....second, I don't want to be a drinker and third b/c it makes me retain water really bad. I've went back to my occasional "girl's nights". Also, I knew it was time to begin the real grieving process and part of that has been to write out all my feelings. I've written all the hurt and confusing feelings here to help me sort them out....but they're just that...feelings. David is still gone and there's still a very good chance all of this will end in divorce. B/c I still don't see him taking extrordinary measures on his part to change things. He says he's calling the counselor on Monday. He's been working loads of hours...and that i get, but he's living w/ his dad now and he STILL hasn't told his father what he did. He has told one friend...ONE!!! This pisses me off very much. All of it does. He barely calls and yeah, I know we are separated, but I guess I just figured if he wants to do "whatever it takes" to win me back, then maybe there'd be more effing phonecalls. Oh well. I wrote out all the hurt and I needed to admit my flaws so I could try and understand how any of it makes sense. But, I still keep coming back to the same conclusion. Yeah, I'm not perfect, but....I DID NOT PAY ANYBODY $20 TO GET OFF!!!! EVER!! He's the only man I've let touch me in over NINE YEARS!!!!! He's abused me and sucked me dry and yeah, I can see where he might feel I've done some "sucking" of my own, but I still didn't screw anyone!!! Also, I worked on MY issues and he's still at friggin square ONE!!!!So, now I'm in the anger phase and I'm blogging it all out b/c ya know why? After I blogged all the hurt and confusion something strange happened......I mopped my floor. My house is getting closer to being clean! I haven't cried today and it wasn't a bad day although I do admit I still didn't get a whole lot accomplished but I'm getting there....little by little. So, I will continue to blog out all these "feelings" and I promise you it doesn't mean I'm taking back my husband anytime soon....if ever. This is just a place I put the feelings and the words....the words I need to say but can't say to him b/c he's such a friggin ignoramus when it comes to communication.. All I feel like doing right now is punching something, vowing to a life of celebacy, and listening to hate songs and maybe a bit of the Indigo Girls.
On a lighter note, my birthday is next Tuesday. I'm turning the big 3-0. I cried on my last birthday and locked myself in my bedroom over the fact this is my last year in my twenties. I had gotten myself all hyped up about this being a positive birthday and this birthday being the most kickass b-day ever! Then all the crap happened. None of my family has even talked about doing anything for my b-day, so that pisses me off too. However, I have the most awesome friends in the world. My friend Kimber is throwing me a slumber party. We are all meeting at this really great mexican restaurant where we will sit around drinking sangria and most likely will make lots of raunchy jokes....that will send sangria flying through our noses. Then, we'll go window shopping...maybe have coffee...(still haven't given up on finding a karaoke place)...and then we'll go to a hotel where Kimber has reserved us a sweet little room. From there we'll drink pina coladas, dacquiris, cosmos, and wine....and play boardgames....and probably gab more about men problems. It will be FUN!!! I've been so fortunate to be surrounded by a plethora of strong women....women like the Amazon and then you strong women too here on my blog. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through these past few weeks without all of you. All of my blog readers have been super wonderful to me, but I especially want to thank Robin, Chris, and Kimber. You guys have been like big sisters and have especially watched over me here lately and encouraged me even more than usual. And I've never even met two of you! lol Thank you for everything....all of you. I will continue to value all my blog reader's opinions with the highest regard. Thank you so much.

PS-soon I will write my b-day post. Here was last year's: http://windingroad-dalilah.blogspot.com/2009/09/b-day.html

Listen to the music!! You might just love it. ☺☺☺ Then you might just feel like smashing things along with me. lol!

Both of these songs speak a lot of what I'm feeling, but this one puts it perfectly....

And last, but certainly not least......Indigo Girls w/ Closer to Fine. Get up and dance to it in your office or your living room with wild abandon ....b/c that's what I'm going to do. If I wish it, I can be it....you can too.

Song to the Siren

2010-09-16T02:14:00.000-07:00

Dear David,

   I'm writing this letter to you and most likely won't show it to you b/c it's more for me than it is for you. I'm having trouble working out my feelings and thoughts right now so I'm just writing it all out. I come to this blog to vent a lot...which you know...and you know I vent about you. You've seemed ok w/ this, but I feel the need to express the good things about you now...things I haven't written on this blog. I've spent a lot of time painting you out to be an ass...and frankly my dear, you have been on many occasions. However, there's other times when you've shined throughout our marriage.
   When we were dating we'd talk on the phone a lot.I remember complaining to you one night that my roomate's daughter had broken my baby monitor, so I had to sit by the stairs to listen out for her. Then I wished I had an alarm clock for downstairs so I wouldn't wake Laurel by going into our room. The next day you showed up at my work with both in a gift bag. It was a surprise...you drove an hour to give me these things. You saw me for a total of 5min. and told me the drive was worth the kiss. Other days you'd come to eat lunch w/ me. I'd watch you across the street at the mall. You'd go in and buy our lunch, pick me up and take me to the mall parking lot where we'd eat...then spend the rest of the time making out. You'd travel an hour just to be with me for a little while.
One time while we were dating, Laurel and I were at your house. You and I were talking and we noticed Laurel was leaving a trail of diarrhea behind her as she walked around in the kitchen. You grabbed her, wrapped her in a towel, gave her to me and told me to take care of her. She began puking and crying. You, cleaned up every bit of the mess, didn't wince even once, and still helped me take care of her when you were done cleaning up the mess. I thought to myself that day, "I'm going to marry this man."
I remember our first dance. I made you park off on a side road and we danced to "The Flame" by Cheap Trick...in the middle of the street. That night we made love and you told me you'd die for me.
You were always offering to pay bills of mine just b/c you wanted to help. I wouldn't let you, but you wormed your way in by at least paying for Laurel's diapers. You'd always buy them and bring them to me. You'd sit on my front porch with your arm around me while sitting on the porch swing. You could only stay for about 15min. but you always seemed so satisfied with our little visits.
When I told you what I wanted for the future....homeschooling my kids, growing gardens, making a family...you got quiet. I asked you why and you said "B/c of the way you're talking. It sounds so good and it's what I want too."
You always listen when it comes to gifts. You might not listen to much else, but you always seem to hear me when I'm ranting about something I'd like to have. Heck, one time when we were dating I talked about how much I loved the He-man and Shera movie when i was little. What did you do? You went and bought me Heman the movie for Valentine's Day. lol I didn't really like the gift but I loved your thoughtfulness. Since then, you've always bought me very nice gifts.
Then there was the beginning of our marriage when I was constantly crying over everything my dad would do to hurt me. You witnessed him in action on one occasion. You got us into the car, jumped back out and told my father he was never to talk to me in that way or humiliate me that way again. He told you,"But she's MY daughter" and you said, "But she's MY WIFE!!". You told me I couldn't talk to him until he apologized to me. He and I didn't talk for a year and it was hard....but eventually he did apologize in his own way. You were the first person to help me set boundaries for myself. Ironically enough, you've also been the one that has stomped all over my boundaries time and time again. But anyway, we're only talking about the good memories here.
My dad was always making me promises. "Kim, if you lose weight I'll take you shopping" or "Kim, if you lose all the weight, I'll let you go to the spa!". I was feeling down on myself for being at a huge plateau after losing 80lbs. and was crying. I told you I never got to do the things my dad promised b/c I always fail so therefore I was perpetually in a state of never letting myself have things b/c I never measured up in my eyes. The next day, you went to work and called around Charlotte. You made me an appointment with a spa...for the whole day...a $350 package! I got massaged, facialed, make-up, haircut and syle, and lunched. THEN, you sent me to the really nice mall to buy a new outfit and shoes. I came home a new woman and felt so loved that day b/c you taught me that it was ok to give myself things. You walked circles around me after I got home, eyeing me like a wolf....it made me giggle.
   Back in 2006 my grandaddy got really sick due to complications of his cancer being in remission. I had to stay in the hospital w/ him to take care of him. I was the only one in my family who would do it and could make time to do it. You were a great sport about it. I came home one time in between rounds to surprise you for your birthday. You drove up just a minute after I did. You were so happy to see me...we ran to eachother. You said, "Well howdy stranger....I missed you." We kissed and kissed, left the luggage in the driveway and went into the house. We made our son that morning. You and I went out to dinner that night, you drove back with me to the hospital (1hr.and 1/2 away) to spend the night w/ me in my grandaddy's hospital room. The next morning you went home and I stayed. Over the days I knew something wasn't right and I began taking pregnancy tests. Eventually I got my positive I was looking for. I came home on Father's Day to show you. You didn't believe me at first and you were shocked when I did another test and it said "pregnant". I wasn't thrilled w/ how you acted that day, but you were still there for me when we got the news. My grandaddy was dieing and they couldn't help him. I started bleeding. I panicked and you calmed me down. Fortunately the doctors found out I had PCOS and gave me the drugs I needed, but you still kept reminding me to try and stay calm so I wouldn't miscarry. Grandaddy died and you never let go of me unless I asked you to. You kept your arms around me the whole time b/c you knew what it was like to lose your mom. I don't like crying in front of people and you knew this. So we stayed on the sofa at the funeral parlor so I could bury my face behind your shoulder. You put your hand around my head so no one would see my tears and you held me tight. You constantly asked me if I was all right.
   One night we went on a date when I was pregnant. I was probably about 5-6 months along and really showing. You stopped when we got to the restaurant door and just looked at me. I asked, "What?" You said,"You just look beautiful this way." My heart melted and I smiled.
I called you from the hospital to let you know the doctor decided to go ahead and do my C-section. I asked you if you were ready to meet our son today. I could hear you smile over the phone. You said,"I'll be there very soon!". I think it only took you 30min. to pack my suitcase and yours, get Laurel dressed (in clothes that were not weather appropriate and too small, but dressed nonetheless lol), and drive to the hospital. You were very fast.
You weren't crazy about the idea of being in the operating room when Enoch was born, but once you got in there, you were calm and cool. You held my hand the whole time and stared into my eyes. We both laughed and cried when we saw our boy for the first time. You let the chatty doctors know I was feeling pain b/c they wouldn't stop talking long enough to hear me. You yelled at them actually..."Heeelllo! She's in pain!". They sewed me up speedy quick. You told them we would not be getting our son circumcised b/c you didn't want to hurt the little guy.
You were a natural father. You didn't squirm at all when it came time to hold our son. You carried him like a football as a matter of fact. You took a picture of your hand (with your wedding ring on...I noticed) beside him to show how small he was. It's still one of my most favorite pictures.
I asked you if it was any different having your own child versus being a dad to Laurel. You said it didn't feel different at all and you said Laurel is just as much yours as Enoch is. My heart smiled at you.
During our adventures known as homeschooling, I've been prone to at least one meltdown a year. While my other friends' husbands are begging them to put their kids in school, you were calming me down and telling me that I'm a good teacher. You've always been my rock when it comes to the homeschooling thing...you never let me doubt myself once in this. I wish that could have overflowed to all the other areas in our marriage.
There's other good things....good, honest, wholesome things that we've lived together. That is why all of this is a confusing mess. You've abused me in every way, chose to blow up our marriage with a 20 dollar hooker named Twister, yet I still find myself loving you....loving you eternally. So heartsick. It's easy for people to say I should leave you, but it's very different being the one doing the leaving. It's hard b/c I've experienced things with you that I'll never experience with another person on this earth. We are soul connected...connected by blood...by death...by birth...by love. You cut me off. What am I supposed to do with this? I can't let you hurt me anymore....not like this, but are you capable of change like you told me? Statistics say no, my mind says no, but my heart will forever ask. Do you love me enough to change forever? Can you change? Can you really change my love? If you can't change for me, can you for them...our babies? Every action in the past few months has screamed "I don't love you", yet you still tell me you love me a lot. I don't know what to believe anymore.  I do know I still love you....always will.

Your wife,
Kim

Lyrics to "Song to the Siren" by This Mortal Coil

On the floating, shapeless oceans

I did all my best to smile

til your singing eyes and fingers

drew me loving into your eyes.

And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;

Let me enfold you."

Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.

Did I dream you dreamed about me?

Were you here when I was full sail?

Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken love lost on your rocks.

For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."

Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.

I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.

I'm as riddled as the tide.

Should I stand amid the breakers?

Or shall I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."

"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."

True Colors

2010-09-16T00:53:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of time to think....more time than usual. David gets the kids while he's off work and I'm left by my lonesome. Just me...and my brain...and in that brain, my thoughts, my horrible analytical, self loathing thoughts...with a lot of time for self reflection.
If you met me in person, one thing you'd learn is that I'm ok with admitting my flaws. I'm also a positive person most of the time, but I am a complainer by nature. I call it ventalating....but, I usually see a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter what the circumstances may be. Also, I'm a great listener. I talk...a LOT, but as much as you'll hear about my story, I'll leave plenty of time for you to tell me yours. I'm just not good at using few words...I love words...so I use a lot of them. I'm also a logical person, so I give great advice...most of the time. So, I think people appreciate that about me. Also, I love my kids...love them more than anything. On any day I'd rather be out with them doing fun things, learning together. I admit, it's been a little harder since my son has been right smack dab in the middle of a long wild phase. He's very fast and hasn't developed his best listening skills yet. So, depending on the activity, we might stay in. I'm a very good cook. It runs in my family. I know people say that is a learned thing, but in my family...it's like an art. We love food and it loves us, so that is one thing I've had going for me in my marriage. Guys like women who can cook. Also, I love cooking for other people. In my old homeschool group, I used to organize meals for families that needed them. If someone dies, has a baby, or is sick....that is my service...I cook. I have lots of ideas....lots of philosophies on life, religion, and politics. I've shared a lot of that on my old blog, but the gist of it is I'm a centrist. I always see both sides to every story...and sometimes it's like a plague to me b/c I'm always handing out mercy and forgiveness....which is a good thing, but I also don't set clear boundaries for how to give out those things. Basically when I give mercy and forgiveness, I'll give you my heart too...let you stomp all over it, leave me begging for more hurt, and then get my heart stomped all over again...and again. And it's all b/c I do not think I'm that great. Sure, everyone has good qualities, but in a nutshell I guess b/c I know my flaws, it's easy for me to see how someone could hurt me so badly. So, then I forgive and try to forget....and then I do forget mostly. I have a lot of past sins....a lot. Certain people gave me 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th chances b/c they saw hope in me. I'm thankful they didn't give up b/c I'm a better person today than when I was a lot younger. Sometimes, it's takes a whole lot of screwing up to be refined....refined into a better individual. I still have a lot of refining to go. I see that. I know it. I use this blog to record lifestyle changes, but also it is a place I can vent and confess things that bother me. I don't think I've used it enough to self reflect. You guys get only part of the story when I vent b/c it's just for that....venting. But now, I feel like I need to spring clean myself. What David did left me feeling dirty....and tarnished. B/c automatically I begin wondering where I went wrong and stuff comes up. Stuff comes up and I'm left with the emotions of wanting to go back in time to change things just so I can be left totally blameless. Of course, that can never be. So, here is my "stuff".
   Many years ago, towards the beginning of mine and David's marriage, I came close to cheating. He used sex as a weapon....always has in retrospect (especially recently) and he used it very much in the beginning of our marriage. He didn't want to talk, or spend time with me, and he really didn't want sex much at all. He'd act like it was a chore a lot of time....unless we were making up from an argument. Also, at this point he had physically abused a couple of times. I was very lonely and took to the chatrooms a lot. I flirted....a lot. When faced with the actual opportunity to physically cheat though, I was so spooked I ran from it...full force...and have never looked back. Faithful as a puppydog since then. I watched the movie Fireproof one night in the theater, came home, and told David about my flirtations earlier in our marriage. That was also years ago. He didn't even sweat it....which was the strange thing. He told me all was forgiven b/c both of us had been pretty bad in the beginning of our marriage and then he tagged on a "Besides, you weren't with anyone physically. That, I'd have a real hard time with." We had already been experiencing a good bit of happiness in our marriage and that honesty booted us more. He didn't throw anything up to me for a long time. I made sure to let him have my passwords, I never erased my history, and would always tell him who I was talking to on FB. He never really acted like he cared, but I felt it was important to let him know anyway. So several months ago when i found out he was suspicious of me, I was angry with him b/c he didn't see what was right in front of him. He had full access to everywhere I'd been online, but still chose to copy things from my Spam folder (like Eharmony, Hotlatino Singles, ya know, run of the mill spam) to suggest why I all of the sudden I had started really fixing myself up and taking care of myself. Then he began with, "Well you've done more than me." all the time. Although, during these times I had suspicions of my own regarding why he all of the sudden became obsessed. One time I asked him why he wouldn't tell me intimate things. His reply was "I don't think I have to share all my secrets with you." That was probably a red flag, but I let it go since I had no substantial evidence and he promised over and over he had done nothing. So, now I wonder if I got what was coming to me.
   While I was so sick these past several months, I was very depressed. I complained a lot...well, obviously b/c I was in so much pain, but I think it sent David over the edge. He said it took the wind out of his sails. When I was having a "woe is me" moment one night I said, "I was doing so well, I was losing weight, stopped smoking, exercising and eating healthy. Why did this have to happen??" David said with a look of disdain on his face, "Well, you weren't doing THAT well. You still didn't have a routine. What'd you expect Kim? You didn't think that years of being unhealthy weren't going to sneak up on you?" I was angry w/ him for telling me I didn't do THAT well b/c I felt like I had done very well. Back when i lost 80lbs. he told me he couldn't even hardly tell I had lost weight since he sees me everyday. Those things he said....I let them affect me....too much. I lost sight of my goals and blamed it on him. While he did make me feel bad about myself, I am responsible for my feelings and actions. I blame him too much. I shouldn't have complained the way I did...and he has admitted to bringing me down. He knows it and asked for forgiveness. I still held it up to him.
   Also, in the past year I haven't been the best housekeeper. For the first few months, I was out living life....losing weight, feeling great, exercising, out and about with my babies...enjoying life. I should have thought about my responsibilities more. David works hard and likes to come home to a clean home. I should have taken more initiative. I still took care of him in many ways, don't get me wrong, but I'm always more likely to clean up the house before company comes over than just for him. That's wrong of me. Well, then I got sick. The first month I only went out if I took lots of painkillers and when i went out...I basically would just go sit in another place. I couldn't bend or move my head around much at all. David makes the argument that I was well enough to go out but not well enough to do things at the house. I still argue w/ him on this one b/c I stopped going all places after the first month and a half. The first few weeks I stayed home and cried on the sofa. I started trying to get out to keep my sanity and for my children's sakes too. My doc told me to stop taking Ibuprofen and the migraine meds hardly worked, so I was pretty much in horrible pain and slept when i could. Still, I should've asked for outside help...and I didn't. Well, I did ask my mom one time but she told me to get David to help. And yes, he should've helped more than what he did. He cleaned one time out of the 3 months I was sick, but still, I should've tried to get help from the outside. Those few months were HELL and I truly did need help and he needed a wife...but he felt neglected. I should have been a bit more sensative to that.
In all of this, I keep asking myself....did I get what I deserved? I haven't been the best wife. Do we deserve eachother? After 3 months of sickness and then this....I'm finding it hard to get back into the groove of things...at all. I feel useless....more useless than before. I feel like I'm not really good at anything. So then that leads me to think, "Kim, why have you had bad endings to all your relationships?" Then I think, "Maybe it's b/c you don't have a lot to offer." I have no special talents, no specialties, and I'm horrible at trudging through. And in life there are lots of times people have to trudge through...and I'm not doing that. What does that say about me? If we were back in the Depression era right now, my family would have starved and we'd have no home probably. Thank God we don't live in those times, but still....people back then worked well even in the midst of life crisis...and I'm having trouble just getting my stupid home clean. What does this say about my character? (sigh) I feel so awful right now. I feel like there's no hope in sight and I feel very unloved. I'm not sure I'll recover from all of this and I'm unsure that I'll ever be able to love another again. So many relationships....all of them ending very badly. Hell, the last one left a week before my daughter was born. (sigh)
Have I done a lot of this to myself? Is the universe giving me my return for all the stupidities I've made over the years? Does all the bad cancel out the good?

Try

2010-09-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try. I'm going to try and break free from this depression. This is very hard....so hard. I've been sleeping a lot...anywhere from 10-12 hours. I went to sleep at 9:30 lastnight and slept 10 hours. I feel pretty good physically right now. I got up and made coffee. I'm not a regular morning coffee drinker, but it seemed like the "morning" thing to do and I have some Guatemalan beans right now. I love using my coffee grinder. So, I made coffee. Then I made myself 2 hormone free eggs w/ cheddar and salsa, slice of whole wheat bread w/ a little extra virgin olive oil, side of grapes, and 2 turkey sausage patties. I'm alotting myself 30min. on the computer to catch up on email and social networking sites. I'm alotting time for this b/c this is my accountability. Also, I've been on Chantix again. Yes, and please don't go off on me.....I started smoking again. My quit day is the 22nd. I let my daughter pick it....she said it would be a good day to quit since it's the first day of autumn. It's also the day after my b-day. I turn 30 on the 21st. I'm hoping my b-day won't completely suck....considering I'm in the middle of the toughest thing I've ever went through.
I'm going to take a shower in a few minutes rather than wait till the end of the day or up until I need to go somewhere. I need to get back to my regular way of doing things....the regular way of doing things when I was doing well, anyway. I need to feel good again. Then I will attempt to clean more of my house. I would be so happy to have this crap done today....totally. So, I'm taking baby steps....I could use some encouragement....even if it's only me blogging this for the accountability. This is an ecouragement in itself b/c it means that I am serious....serious again about getting back on the horse. Yay for me. Do I sound enthusiastic? (sigh)

PS- I've already went over my 30min. Dammit. (sigh) Oh, and this is one of my favorite songs/music videos of all time. I hope you love it too. :)

Lullaby

2010-09-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

I assure you I'm not doing well. I'm very good at living in the moment which is why I can laugh with friends, play with my kids, and other things. It's nearly impossible for me to function on a constructive level right now though.
Right now I'm crying. I haven't cried in many days, but tonight I did. David had to pick up my kids so he could spend time with them....which means them going over to his dad's house and staying over. I won't get to see my kids everyday anymore. This is like a knife.
Then I talked to David some tonight. I asked him why he told me while I was at the beach that it'd be so hard for him to be away from me during our trial separation when last week he told me he'd miss me "some". I asked him what he meant by that and why so many confusing things. He rubbed my shoulder and said, "Kim, I love you a lot and I miss you a lot. I only meant I'd miss you some b/c right now I'm working loads of hours and don't have time to think about much else when I am working." My mind is saying bullshit and my heart is like a desperate little schoolgirl with daddy issues...wanting so desperately to believe him. More than that, I desperately want him to love me so much. Why? Shah...I don't know the hell why. I have people that love me, but I guess it's that deep connection....you know the one I'm talking about...the one where you finish eachother's sentences. David and I do that a lot. I feel like the fat girl in highschool who the nice cute boys feel sorry for....the ones who'll ask you to dance, but not look you in the eye the whole time. You know which ones I'm talking about. I feel like that w/ David right now. We were picking my car up from the mechanic's garage when we were talking. We were standing outside while the kids waited in his truck....the Cheatermobile. They drove off and I got in my car. I started crying and couldn't stop. This cry was like the cry I had when he first told me he cheated.....a belly cry. The kind of cry that starts from the pit of your stomach and works its way out into sobs and chokes.....tons of tears. I'm alone in my house right now....alone...w/o my babies and a husband. Why oh why has life been this way? I got out of the shower yesterday and at that moment I thought to myself, "All I wanted was a normal life. I tried to pick well so I'd have the chance to live a simple life. Not many material possessions, living in the country in a wholesome town. What the f*** happened??"

Sooner or Later

2010-09-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

I'm finally addressing the catastrophy aka my house. After 3 months of sickness, I had literally been well for like 5 days before David cheated on me. Before that, he helped clean the house 1 time in all the time I was sick. I got my 10yr. old to help some, but her efforts were better placed on her brother since he's really energetic. Well, I've been reading some of my old posts. They've been helping me break through the dark veil I've been under for a while now. Remembering how happy I was for the first several months of this year is enough to make me want to get it back. So, I began cleaning. I knew what would happen. I wouldn't be distracted enough from my analytical thoughts.
A a couple summers ago, David and I left our kids with their godparents so we could have a couple days out of town for our anniversary. There was no romance at all....it was that time of month and we couldn't plan the trip at any other time. I thought at least we'd hang out together the whole time, but David would get up before the crack of dawn (he was coming down from 3rd shift) and go to breakfast w/o me. I became agitated and told him my thoughts. I said, "David, do you ever feel like our relationship has lost its passion?I mean here we are on our anniversary vacation and we're doing things alone. What if we're losing the spark?" He said, "Or you could look at it this way. Maybe this is the next step in marriage. We are comfortable w/o all the romance and we don't have to have so many conversations b/c we've had so many. We're just comfortable being together." I bought his words. I should have trusted my instincts....always. I'm super intuitive and I felt like something was happening then...I should've trusted it. Sooner or later things come back to bite you in the ass. Oh well.

Letter From Mom, Letter From Me-featuring You Gotta Be by Des'ree

2010-09-13T00:15:00.000-07:00

I originally wrote this post last week, but changed my mind last minute and now I'm changing it again. Hope you enjoy the read. This conversation took place b/t my mother and I. It ended w/ a phone call.....her still pushing me to save my marriage.

My mother sent this email to me yesterday....then I replied to her. My letter feels sane...hope I don't do anything to contradict myself. The thing about this kind of situation is that you're always questioning yourself.

Kim,
I haven't had a chance to talk to you since yesterday but Kim, please trust what you Mom is saying to you right now and that is to not make any decisions regarding you and David right now. Not while your emotions are so torn. I tell you this because I have been there, and my best advise that when you dont know what the best decisions are for your self that you should not make any decisions other than let things be the way they are right now. Let David stay away for a while like he is, which was what you were going to do anyway, and you just stay where you are right now with the kids, in your home and start refocusing on you and the kids well being. There is no need for you to make fast decisions on what is going on right now and if any of your friends are pushing you to do that please dont listen to them. You are talking about your kids future and any decision you make right now will effect their whole life so take your time. And for the record I do not believe that David does not love you. He told you that because he was angry and when someone is angry they think of ways to lash out and hurt you. That also could just been his way to make an exit from things right now because he cant handle the pressure of all of it. I would not say it is over yet.

I love you Kim and I hope you will trust some of what I am saying to you because I have been there!

Mom

Could anyone blame me for my inability to NOT stay confused???? These are the two emails I sent in reply:
Oh, and P.S.- Sorry for all the run-on sentences...I was fuming just a little...a teensy bit.

Mom,

Thank you for caring. However, I never told you that David doesn't love me. I will say all of his actions in the past little while have spoken otherwise. First off, he has physically abused me a few times since we've been married. The last time he did it, he was going for my neck. Do I know for sure he wouldn't have hurt me seriously? No I don't and no one else does either. I took his keys away from him b/c I was afraid of him getting into a wreck or staying gone for days.....which he has done before. He had a couple hours to cool down after that, but he didn't....two hours to cool off and come to his senses. But no, after I gave him his keys.....he drove 30 minutes to Gastonia where he picked up a prostitute off the street....a crack whore to be more exact. I know this b/c I found out which one he was with. She does very many men a night.....most of which are crack addicts themselves...maybe heroin too. Diseases....I have to worry about diseases now b/c of what he did....and b/c of me being stupid and letting him in my bed again. Not to mention, he could've gotten arrested....boy wouldn't that have been interesting to have to bail my husband out of jail for getting a BJ from a crack whore. It was entirely possible b/c there's cops all over that area and they arrest that particular prostitute all the time. So, he risked his career too. Then I let him come home telling him to get help until he no longer needed help and that it needed to be soon. (Most women at this point...after the physical, mental, and verbal abuse would have left) But no, I let him come home and he agreed to my terms. It's been 3 and 1/2 weeks (almost a month!) and he still hasn't made an appointment. When I mentioned that to him, he got mad and told me "I told you I'd do it on my own time". So here I am again.....having to give into him one more time....but no...I stuck to my guns and he walked out on me. He told me he was done. He told me he was done twice yesterday and once today. But then we talked some more....me crying....me reminding him of the good stuff. He asks, "Well what do you want me to do Kim???!!!!", in his exasperated tone....like I'm the one with all the big problems. He says my problems are complaining too much, expecting him to jump on things I ask him to do right away w/o giving him the same courtesy....oh, and the housework came up again. Oh, and he still keeps reminding me I threw a book at him and that's pretty much equal to what he did. Yes, definitely issues on my end.....but when you compare all of what I've had to deal with on his end versus my end, doesn't it sound really silly for me to even feel bad about my crap? But I do....b/c he makes sure that I do....then I start questioning if that is enough to send a man over the edge causing all of the abuse and then the cheating. Then I catch myself trying to meet HIS demands in all of this. I actually question it.....and then I remember the definition of an "enabler".

1.One who helps something to happen.

2.One that enables another to achieve an end, especially one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behaviour (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by helping that individual avoid the consequences of such behavior.

3.One who gives someone else the power to behave in a certain way.

I give him the power to behave in a certain way....the excuses too. You were an enabler to Dad for many years then you left that relationship for a different kind of dysfunctional one. He's an alcoholic who won't admit it. You leave him, and he straightens up for a while (much like David does) and once you get back with him....he begins the cycle all over again.

To be an enabler it takes being delusional. We take what are truly bad (super BAD!!) behaviors and make them seem smaller than what they are b/c in the end.....we're afraid of being alone. You were afraid of what life would be like for your kids. I am too, but the alternative......living in abuse indefinitely not ever truly knowing which time will be the last time (b/c they always say they'll change), but they DON"T...rarely ever. So, my kids see me getting abused (just like I saw you getting abused and like I was abused too) and they'll grow up and think it's ok b/c I chose to stay......for them....which is the insanity of it b/c keeping them here will hurt them and me. One day he might get his hands back on my throat...maybe he won't kill me....maybe he will. Maybe he'll cheat again and have full intercourse next time and not tell me about it. Maybe I'll contract HIV. Maybe he'll get help and it'll work.....but in 9 years that I've been trying to get him to get help....it hasn't worked so far. He'd basically have to change into a different person entirely for me to consider EVER taking him back. So...hmm....what are the odds. Did dad change after you left? Hmmm.

OR....I could get a divorce, get my butt back in school....get a dental hygeniest certification or something....get a job....keep my kids from unhealthy situations....nurture them the way they oughta be and show them to never settle....never settle for someone who harms you over and over again.

Mom, I love you...and I know you're scared for me...and you should be, but NOT b/c of the divorce. Also, I think maybe you need to think long and hard about the things Dad did to you. I could help remind you, but I don't think I have to. You may experience financial hardship and lonliness...amongst some other things, but you'll never have to be abused by Dad again b/c you chose to get out. I hope you use the same sound judgement with Bill....b/c I think you've forgotten some things about where you came from. I don't mean that offensively...I promise. I'm just being honest. I love you Mom.

Sincerely, Kim

2nd Email

Oh, and no one pressured me into anything mom. I am my own person. I can make decisions, but ya know what....my friends are great. They don't keep telling me to go back to my abusive husband...which is nice. My friends who I've spoken to about this situation remain neutral even though I know what they'd do if it had've been them. It's been my family who has pressured me the most.

When I say my friends have been neutral....I mean my closest friends....and they let me know how they felt about the situation, but supported me no matter what.

So, what do you guys think about this? I definitely need therapy....gah...I hate new baggage!!

Ya know, several years ago my mom saw me going through some of the same stuff with David and she asked me, "What happened to my feisty girl?" Well, I think my feistiness is making a return. Don't I deserve to one day find someone who'll love me for who I am and will accept all the love I have to give w/o hurting me in the process? There's a lot of love there.....it's just been directed to the wrong person.

She replied again and I deleted it b/c I wasn't sure if I'd post this anyway. She basically told me I am like my dad. She told me I got my conversationalist skills from him and was able to turn this conversation around onto her. I tried to explain that it wasn't my purpose. Heck, I thought more than anything I was finally admitting I'm an enabler...but she skipped over that part. I just wanted to remind her where she came from....where WE came from. She just kept telling me I shouldn't have hidden the keys from him. (sigh) Oh well.

Are You Happy Now?

2010-09-09T11:43:00.001-07:00

Now, don’t just walk away

Pretending everything’s ok

And you don’t care about me

And I know there’s just no use

When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye

And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh

Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,

Are you happy now?

Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,

And left me with an empty plate

And you don’t care about it, yeah.

And I am givin' up this game

I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?

And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh

Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,

Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh

Are you happy now?

Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?

You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got

You can’t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?

and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah

come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,

are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh

are you happy now?

Would you look me in the eye?

Could you look me in the eye?

I’ve had all that I can take

I'm not about to break

Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh

Are you happy now?

☺☺☺SMILE☺☺☺

2010-09-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

Me Smiling ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺

When you first left me

I was wanting more

But you were ***king that girl next door

What'cha do that for?

What'cha do that for?

When you first left me

I didnt know what to say

I've never been on my own that way

Just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then

But with a little help from my friends

I found the light in the tunnel at the end

Now you're calling me up on the phone

So you can have a little whine and a moan

And it's only because you are feeling alone

At first when I see you cry

It makes me smile

Yeah it makes me smile

At worst I feel bad for a while

But then I just smile

I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me

You say that you want me back

(Want me back)

And I tell you it don't mean jack

(It don't mean jack)

No it don't mean jack

(No it don't mean jack)

I couldn't stop laughing

No I just couldn't help myself

See you messed up my mental health

I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then

But with a little help from my friends

I found the light in the tunnel at the end

Now you're calling me up on the phone

So you can have a little whine and a moan

And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry

It makes me smile

Yeah it makes me smile

At worst I feel bad for a while

But then I just smile

I go ahead and smile

La la la

At first when I see you cry

(When I see you cry)

It makes me smile

(It makes me smile)

Yeah it makes me smile

(Yeah it makes me smile)

At worst I feel bad for a while

(I feel bad for a while)

But then I just smile

(But then I just smile)

I go ahead and smile

(I go ahead and smile)

La la la

At first when I see you cry

(When I see you cry)

It makes me smile

(It makes me smile)

Yeah it makes me smile

(It makes me smile)

At worst I feel bad for a while

(I feel bad for a while)

But then I just smile

(Then I just smile)

I go ahead and smile

(I go ahead and smile)

Run Baby Run--The Sequel

2010-09-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

I know I said I'd blog soon.....but honestly I just couldn't. Too much going on in my head....too much to feel ashamed of....too much confusion. If I've learned anything from this whole situation, I've learned there is no handbook to deal with this kind of situation. I've also learned that I should never be surprised by stupid things people say.
The night after he told me he cheated, I told him he needed to move to his dad's for a little while. My girlfriend Amy came over to stay with me....3 bottles of wine in hand. She drank a whole bottle while I had 2 glasses....which was ok with me b/c she does funny things when she's a bit tipsy....like riding my son's tricycle around the kitchen. lol Yes, she's my 38yr. old tricycle riding friend.....and I love her. We laughed together for most of the night, but then when I tried to go to bed, I saw all the empty drawers David had left behind and it made me cry. She held me....tight.

David and I still talked over the next few days. On the third night we talked a lot. He told me he was willing to do whatever it takes to win me back. I told him he had to get help until he no longer needs it, to get tested for STD's, and get a cellphone which was his idea. Then there was lots of kissing....lots of kissing and other stuff. I let him come home. I told him I needed room to breathe so I went to the beach...

It was my son's first time seeing the ocean. We had an oceanfront room on the 7th floor. I spent a lot of time on that balcony at night with a glass of wine in my hand....listening to sad music...singing my heart out from the balcony. My brother was with me for the first two days so I spent a lot of time on the shore at night looking at the moon over the ocean....crying salty tears...like the ocean.

I enjoyed the time spent with my babies....it was magical....when I wasn't thinking about him...

He was scared I'd change my mind when I came back. He was not doing well. My sister in law checked in on me a lot more than him though. (smile) I had a lot of support from friends and some family....also had lots of voices telling me what I should do. It was all very confusing.
I came back and still had a lot of wishy washiness going on. All of it was very confusing for me.....I'm a battered woman. Well, this week I told him I needed him to move back to his dad's for a little while b/c I don't make good decisions while he's around. He understood. I wanted him out this weekend b/c I took the kids to stay in Charlotte for a few days with family. I needed time to myself...time to work on my house...b/c it's a mess and I needed to get other things done. David and I agreed we'd go out together on Friday night and then the next day he'd be gone. Well, at the end of last week his tooth began hurting him. He had a root canal done on the one next to it and now he's got another getting infected. So, he was in pain. I urged him to call the doc before the holiday weekend, but he said he'd give it a few days. I knew it'd get worse. He told me he'd move out the beginning of this week. I told him I wouldn't have sent the kids away if I knew he'd be staying. He said he'd take them over to his dad's for a few days so he could spend time with them while I had "my time". Well, today he woke up with a lowgrade fever and his tonsels hurting him. The infection moved. He said, "I'm sorry I messed up your weekend plans....I guess I won't be able to move out for another few days." I told him I couldn't hide the fact that I'm a little ticked off. He also hasn't called any counselors or made an appointment for an STD test....I told him he should have already made some calls by now. It's been 3 weeks. He's been working long hours....but 5 minutes is all it would take to make at least one appointment for something...somewhere. He got angry....called me a nag....mocked me. Then he told me he would leave me. He packed his shit...took my damn TV...and the Xbox so now I can't watch the TV or netflix on his Xbox. Asshole. I told him this is it....once he's gone....that's it. I gave him his last chance and he effed it up. So...he's gone. No more chances....no more anything.
I talked with a battered women's shelter yesterday and they approved me in a heartbeat. They offer counseling, classes, job placement....and a whole lot more. So, when I named this blog...I had no clue that there'd be a time when I'd literally have to start from the bottom up trying to save my life. I'm going to start saving my life....now...more than I ever have. I'm heartbroken, washed up, used up. Time to start filling up with good things. It'll be hard. I used this song in a blog a little while back and I listen to it almost everyday. It's my life raft.

Going to be blogging soon....lots to blog...stay tuned.

2010-08-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all of your comments. I just got back from the beach.....did a lot of soul searching. I have lots to say. It may take me a little while to write it, but I will let you guys know about everything that's happened in the past week...so stay tuned....

Trying to Make Sense of Things

2010-08-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

Trying to make sense of things....and trying to find a way to get out of here for a few days. I'm trying to go to the beach.....everything is clear after a long walk on the beach. I just need room to breathe. This is the hardest punch I've taken in my life.....and there's been some pretty hard things thrown at me. I'm so confused....hurt....so many emotions and not one of them is helping me sleep at night...or eat much for that matter. I'll be ok...I'm sure of it....just need some time to process things. Thanks to all of you for leaving such caring comments....thank you.

Lyrics
I want to paint my face

And pretend that I am someone else

Sometimes I get so fed up

I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine

I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time

And I hate the way you look at me I have to say

I wish I could start over

[Chorus]

I am slowly falling apart

I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start

You might think it's easy being me

You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking

In the middle of the night

And then it hits me and I can't

Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine

I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time

And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths

I'm not strong enough to deal with it

My Husband Cheated On Me

2010-08-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah....he did. We got into an argument over me wanting him to wear his wedding ring. He never wears it b/c he can't at his place of work. I just thought it'd be nice to see him wearing it for once. He got pissy about it. I tried talking to him, but he just flew into rage....mocking me as he did. It's hard to get me really mad....,but watch out when you do. I might just throw a book at you...yes....I threw Eat, Pray, Love at David. It was only a paperback....I swear.

He came after me...told me he would beat my ass if I was going to start bringing it on like a man.....he bent back my hand....it hurt. He told me he was leaving and took a shower. I hid his keys b/c I didn't want him to drive while he was so angry....he drives stupid when he's angry....I was also hoping to resolve the fight. Stupid me...should have given him his damn keys...or maybe I shouldn't have given them back at all. He wouldn't budge so I gave him his keys. He was pretty pissed about the key thing, so naturally he went to a couple towns over to have some fun. Apparently the going rate for BJ these days is 20 dollars....for five minutes. I'm very cross about this....I was giving them free....perhaps I could have made a little money.Hindsight is 20/20 they say. (sigh)

He was gone for over 24 hours. He always leaves me to pick up the pieces. My daughter....wondering where her Daddy is. Thanks for nothing asshole. I waited.......

and I waited.....

and waited.....

At 2 am I was in the driveway looking up at the stars....listening to sad music...crying...b/c I was worried...and actually wanted him home. I stayed out there until 4 am. Then I fell asleep listening to music in his recliner.

Finally......he rolled in at about 5am. I started out by saying, "David, things got way out of hand and we need to work it out." He said he had only had about 3 hours of sleep within 24 hours...and we should talk later. We got in bed and I rolled him over and asked, "Did you screw around on me?". He said, "Why?" I said, "B/c you were very mad and gone for a good while." He said, "No." Fifteen minutes later he got out of bed and I asked him why he couldn't sleep. He used the bathroom....then ran into me in the dark hallway. He said, "Kim....I'm sorry....I did." I started crying. I told him to go outside with me b/c I didn't want the kids to hear. I slapped him in the face. Tears rolled down his face....he said he'd go to his Daddy's. I told him hell no....he would not bail on me this time. Then he begged me to slap him again....so I did. He told me to do it more....and I declined. I had never slapped anybody in the face before....or even thrown a book at somebody before. I've never thrown a punch in my life. He deserved to be slapped....I think.

I left for a while just to try to make sense of all this. I got breakfast...and coffee. I called my Mom and Dad....funny thing. Then my two closest friends. I cried a lot.....a LOT. I came home and David went to bed since he's on 3rd shift right now. I was outside talking on the phone. There's a mirror outside...I don't know why....but I just looked into it....and barely recognized me. But, then....I thought..."She's pretty." I know that now. It's not me....it's him. I told him he's always made me feel like I should feel lucky to be married to him. I told him...Today...I know....I deserve better than you.

I'm going to tell him to go stay at his dad's house until I know whether or not I love him enough to save this....whatever the hell you call it. He told me he still wants me.....I think he needs time to think about that.

Tonight my friend Amy is coming over to spend the night. She's bringing my favorite wine. I'm going to the store beforehand....I want a boxing bag....so I can tape David's face to it.

It's not me......it's him....duh. What an effing revelation.

I put my hand on his chest....got close to his face....while tears streamed down both of our faces. I said, "I wanted you....all of YOU....this (pointing to his heart)....I tried to get you to open up....but...you wouldn't. I was willing to do whatever you wanted in bed....whenever....and you paid a cheap whore instead. I wanted all of you. I endured you putting me down....making me feel shitty. I was sick...and you weren't very supportive....yet, I'm still here. We even worked out some of our biggest problems. I've tried...and you chose a cheap whore over me."

I need time to think....

Had a CAT scan

2010-08-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

Had a CAT scan....came back negative for infection. Bummer. I'm feeling a lot better though...better than I have in months and months...or has it been that long...I'm not sure b/c I haven't kept track of the days. I've been in a perpetual state of pain. I'm going to use this time to get my house back in order and get prepared for the upcoming homeschool year. THEN I will be back here for normally scheduled programming. The ENT guy bets its a coincidence that I'm getting better on these strong antibiotics.....he mentioned all of this either having to do with the TMJ or he thinks I could have Trigeminal Neuralgia which is what PJ said in the beginning of this crap. I just still have this feeling that it could be infection. I've been on this very strong antibiotic for a little while....what if any infection that was there is gone now but the germ could still be there waiting to pounce again once I come off the medicine? I kinda had a panic moment today after they told me the CT scan of my sinuses came back normal....b/c I've been in the worst pain ever and imagininig it coming back when I've felt so good for the past few days is very disheartening. I akin it something like killing a puppy. :o( Anyhoo, just thought I'd update you guys. I really appreciate the support guys. Sometimes it feels like I get more support from friends....even from afar....than I do here at home. David's just been waiting for me to get better so he doesn't have to act compassionate anymore....it's a very hard emotion for him. I promise I'm not being a smart ass....he admits this himself...in his own words. Which is kinda weird to me b/c he's so good at being compassionate with our kids. Oh well. I guess I should just be thankful that he's at least "acting" compassionate. Life's definitely been more bearable with him since he finally figured out that I haven't been faking this shit all along. I think he finally understood when my sister-in-law told me that there is a strand of MRSA that they treat with Levaquin (the drug I'm on) and if the Levaquin doesn't work, the patient is bascially screwed.....is what she told me. I relayed this info to him.....he was a little quiet then....and a whole lot more helpful. He's even stayed home a few times to help me with the kids. I've reminded him he shouldn't have just assumed he'd be the one to get sick....and I've have to take care of him. I told him those marriage vows (in sickness and in health) work both ways buddy. I'm hoping one day his compassionate "act" will turn into a real one....seriously.
In the meantime, I've began enjoying things I truly, truly missed.....like spending quality time with my babies. I've been reading books to them and singing to them every night and I've enjoyed it more than anything in the world. I took my daughter out the other day b/c I told her after this stuff was over that I'd reward her for all the help she's given me with her brother. So, we got manicures. ☺Laters Gators.

Hey Peeps! :)

2010-08-08T22:58:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, sorry I haven't blogged. I've been solely concentrating on getting well....and I think I'm getting closer to knowing what all of this pain crap is. I bought that *cadillac* antibiotic--it's helping. It's making a lot of pain go away--it's making the trigger points less...triggery. Ya know what I mean. I'm going to the ENT tomorrow. I will MAKE him take cultures, scope me, or scan me. I'm tired of being a really weird science experiment. It's frying my brain! lmao Hmm...I really shouldn't laugh at that huh? Well, anyhoo, all of this--since Feb. or March...I think it's all linked. I think there's an infection that's been slowly growing...causing a host of symptoms. Well, hopefully I'll find out. I'm hoping the ENT will be able to figure out exactly what's in my sinuses or whatever else is in my head that's causing all the pain. Remember months ago when I started feeling pressure in my neck and ears, pain in my tooth, and then a little pain in my jaw? Then there was the dizziness and achiness. All symptoms of TMJ--BUT, I'm thinking that's when it all started...and perhaps infection has been causing it. I've actually had time in the past few days when my teeth didn't hurt. That was amazing! I haven't chewed on the left side of my mouth in months. Yes, I do realize it sounds silly that I'd be thrilled over this, but ya just don't understand. I CHEWED ON THE LEFT SIDE OF MY MOUTH!! lol.
I'm sorry I haven't been by to visit you guys. I've been tweeting...b/c I can do it on my phone from the comfort of my sofa....or with just a few minutes at the computer. I put updates on FB to stay in touch w/ the family units. I think it's been a good thing focusing on getting better--it's helping. So, I promise I haven't forgotten about the super sweet awards peeps have given me and I've even been given a pay it forward by Robin. I plan on doing all of it when I have time, stamina, wellness, and focus to do them. This blog will be running for a long time....I assure you. There's just been bumps in the road....I am hopeful..more hopeful than I've been in many months now. I lost a little more weight by the way. That makes like six pounds in a little over the week. I have to admit though....it's not b/c I've been trying super hard though. I haven't been able to eat much due to the strong antibiotics---they kill my stomach even w/ the hefty probiotics! I'll keep you guys updated and I promise I'll be around soon enough---so please...and I may sound a little dumb here...please don't defriend me just b/c I haven't been around or b/c my blog has been negative lately. Everybody goes through dark times---trust me....and this is just one of mine. Don't take it personally if I haven't been by to visit....I promise it really is me...not you. I'm not sure if I can bear losing anymore of my peeps.((hugs)) Laters gators.

Kim still here...ya know...saving my life...blah blah. lol

2010-07-31T22:38:00.000-07:00

I'm still around. I haven't been around much though. I still keep telling myself I can't blog until I get this pain thing taken care of....and the stuff I need to do is still waiting. My pain level had went down some...only some...for a handful of days. I was just gettting to the point where I was feeling braver...thinking about doing some stuff around the house....not being afraid of triggering pain. Alas, last Tuesday, the pain came back full force and then some. I had a girlfriend over all day w/ her kids. I vaccumed and made a nice light chicken salad w/ raisins and olive oil for our lunch. I made some homemade ice cream. I made a fruit salad. My daughter volunteered to mop the kitchen (It REALLY needed it). It was a good day, but I could tell I was pushing it with all the smiling and laughing....see, too much facial movement triggers pain. Then my friend stayed some more....into dinner time. So I made steak, zucchini fritters, and steamed veggies. It was chewy steak....a little harder to chew. Chewing too much can trigger pain. After she left my pain level shot upward into the heavens. All I could do was hold my head and moan. David helped w/ the kids. I was relieved. I ended up dozing in and out all night in my husband's recliner. Being in bed hurt too much. I went back and forth through the night. Next morning woke up with more excruciating pain. Thought I might be getting the sinus infection back b/c the pain was so intense in my face. My doc had an antibiotic waiting at a pharmacy for me (the 4th one mind you)--she warned me it was expensive. It was three hundred and something dollars!! One hundred and something after insurance!! The pharmacist called it *the cadillac* of anitbiotics. LMAO!--Then I began crying--called David--told him I do not know what to do....b/c at this point it's looking like I have trigger point pain that mimics different conditions (like TMJ, tri-geminal neuralgia, teeth hypersensitivity, sinus infections). I didn't want to pay that much for a medicine I may not need. I'm still trying to get good bacteria back into my body--I swear for like a week I had no smell--all the bacteria in my body were gone from the first 3 rounds of anitbiotcs--lol! David said, "I don't know what to tell you." I begged him to tell me what to do. Pain effs with your head...in a big way especially when it's been going on for close to three months. I've lost my ability to reason well. The trigger point pain thing is crazy sounding I know....b/c all of this is new to me as well...but there are knots in my muscles that trigger different types of pain....they refer pain to different parts of my body. My chropractor has been telling me for a couple weeks that he just wants to work on me a "little bit more" before he refers me to this ortho guy that does trigger point stuffs. I called him crying last Wednesday....I asked him very nicely to PLEASE refer me to his guy (I was desperate for pain relief). He made the appointment stat. It's on August 10th. I've pretty much been in searing pain for a week now as opposed to slightly unbearable pain before. Ibuprofen doesn't even work anymore. Oh well.....neither does my migraine medicine--well, it works for about 45 minutes. Oh well. Oh and Aleve doesn't work anymore either. Hmm. So, I've basically got it down to an art now....I just need to get into the right position w/ folded blankets tucked under certain places and my massager working on places--then be perfectly still so I won't feel little knives stabbing at my nerves.
David has been trying to help a little bit more w/o a frown on his face---he's so not good at faking it--kinda thankful for this during sex, but when it spills into other areas like being supportive and compassionate--not so great. I was crying....having a "woe is me" moment a few nights ago. I just needed someone to tell me it's going to be all right. Instead, he reminded me that my weight problem is probably to blame. I told him I was doing good at the time this pain started....ya know...when I lost the 30lbs, quit smoking, and began exercising. He told me, "You were doing ok, but not great---you still lacked routine." I could have kicked him. It reminded me of another thing he said years ago. Back when I lost 80lbs, I asked him if he noticed the difference. His answer was, "I can't really tell that anything has changed since I live w/ you." I had went from being morbidly obese to being chubby...and he said he couldn't tell the difference. Later he admitted he said it to hurt me....b/c it was such an easy target when he was mad at me. Well, I felt the same way this time too....I knew he was trying to hurt me. I tweeted "My husband right now=jackass." Could anyone argue with me on this?? I know when he says horrible things like this, that it's really a cover up for being resentful of something. I finally got him to admit it. He was resentful about helping me w/ house work after working long hours....he's also resentful of me still being fat. I told him I already feel so badly about everything I'm not able to do--thanks for making it worse. I've been complaining too much here lately....just in general...about the pain, and the doctors, being on so much medicine. David was tired of hearing it--it made him mad so he hit me where it hurt. That's what he does. I apologized for complaining and he apologized for bringing me down. For a few moments during this argument.....when he stormed out of the driveway for a while....I actually became giddy by the notion of getting really healthy and pretty....then leaving his skinny ass. Don't worry, I know I was being just a bit irrational....and now I'm fine. I'm fine...really.
I've been losing the weight I put back on--lost 5lbs. last week. I'm trying to keep it up. It's been hard since I haven't been able to be active. All of this pain has put a lot of things into keen perspective. I was serious about losing weight and getting active before. Now, I'd do anything just to be able to clean my effing bathtub w/o feeling pain. If I come out of this pain crap---my resolve to become healthy is going to be super freaking focused. I don't think I will ever take physical activity for granted again. I miss being out in the sunshine--enjoying life. I keep my living room semi dark--b/c light makes the pain worse. One thing that always annoyed me about David is his love of darkness---he'd leave the house dark all the time if I let him. Right now, it's ok w/ me though.....b/c I can barely stand the light. I wear shades wherever I go for the most part. I think I'm going to tape a mantra to my mirror--"I think I am heathy...therefore I am." I hear that self talk can help. If someone told me standing on one leg and wearing a tin foil hat while singing "Little Boxes" would cure me...I might be apt to try it at this point. (smiles) FYI--this is the theme song to a show called Weeds. My friend Kimber turned me onto this show. (Thanks for coffee Kimber!)It's a terribly inappropriate show, but very funny--and disturbing. I've been watching it a lot here lately...late at night when I can't sleep. This song has really good lyrics. When I get a hold of Women, Food, and God I'll let you guys know. It may take a few weeks for me to get through it, but I still intend on doing my giveaway. Thanks for sticking with me guys...you know who you are. I lost another follower the other day...oopsy.

My First Giveaway.....Sorta

2010-07-24T01:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've never had a giveaway on my blog. For one, I've never really had any great ideas for a giveaway. Also, I want to make it something good. Also, I didn't want to have a giveaway just to get more followers. I like attention but then I don't really like attention. I kinda get stage fright when a bunch of people notice one of my posts. It's dumb really....I know....b/c one would ask why am I posting all out in the open anyway if I don't want the attention. On the other hand, I like it b/c I meet lots of new great people and get to read blogs I never would have seen otherwise. I guess I've always liked the idea of putting my thoughts out into the universe w/o having to worry about the consequences tomorrow...kinda like a confessional. There's only a couple people I know in real life who read my blog......the rest of you guys live pretty far from me. I meet awesome new people through my blog and I guess when I'm getting the least amount of attention, there's not much expectation I have to live up to. Instead, I end up with a nice small group of true bloggy friends who seem to like me no matter what I'm going through.....and I really like you guys too. So, I was thinking. I really want to read Women Food and God. I'm going to buy it. After I'm done reading it and done making little notes inside of it, I'm going to pass it on to one of you. Here's the catch; whoever I pass it on to has to do the same thing.....pass it on after they are done reading it and making little notes in it for the next person and so on and so forth. If there is enough interest in this and people uphold their end of the bargain, then this should be a fun game. It could also be better than just reading the book b/c every time someone gets the book, they'll be getting thoughts from other people as well. After I decide how many people I want it to go through , I will come up w/ some kind giveaway at the end for the people who participate---well, I'll draw one of the names from all who participate. I'm not sure what that prize will be, but I'll try to make it good. So, I'm hoping that this will sound good to a few of you.....I guess we'll see. If you are not a reader, if you're not struggling with food issues, or you have no desire to stick w/ the game.....this may not be for you. If you don't want to read it, sometime in the near future I'm sure I'll have another giveaway that won't include work. lol Anyhoo, if you'd like to participate in this, write a comment telling me about a victory you've had here recently or if things have sucked for you.....tell me why you'd like to read this book. I'll choose which one I like best and send the book after I'm done reading it. ☺ Laters Gators.

PS--If you have read the book and would still like to have the opportunity to write in my book, you can enter the giveaway too. I'm sure you've had time to reflect on the book and have thoughts to share too. This way you can be entered into the final giveaway after the book has made its rounds. ☺ Just a thought.

Still Here

2010-07-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

Still here guys. My back was a lot better after a few days. I've just had a lot going on. I'm trying to address my physical ailment right now, get my "spring" cleaning done, and prepare for the new school year. I feel like I need to get all of this done before resuming blogging. Emotionally I'm not in the super best place right now....haven't been for a while. I probably should be blogging it, but I just can't right now. I need to get my strength back, my health back, my ability to reason, and first and foremost I need to get a game plan in line. I can't do all of this and blog. Also, sitting at the computer has been really hurting me lately. My chiropractor is most likely going to send me to this ortho guy that deals with pain trigger points. We've figured out I have at least 4 trigger points. You usually have 11 in order to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia....so I don't think I have that, but still....I don't think I have a super bad sinus infection either. If anything I think the really strong antibiotics have really wreaked havoc on my body. I went to the health food store today to buy some strong probiotics to rebuild my flora. I'm hoping it will make me feel a little more normal. I feel like I'm constantly in a drug fog. Yesterday I forgot the name of one of my husband's relatives.....it's not good. ☺ I'm also looking into gluten-free living. I dunno....just trying to figure out what path to take on all fronts. Anyway, I'll be back soon. I was given 2 blog awards and will definitely do those when I get back. I hope you all are doing well. Laters gators.

Where am I?

2010-07-14T22:00:00.000-07:00

I am mostly sitting b/c I did something to my back while vacuuming. I'm waiting till Friday for the chiropractor to look at my xrays to make sure one of my floating ribs is still in place?? I don't know. lol. Anyhoo, I'm on the third round of antibiotics---really powerful antibiotics b/c my doc still thinks I have a major sinus infection. I don't think she knows what she's talking about....but I'm humoring her b/c it's less money to do so. At least we'll know for sure before getting any expensive scans done. I still really think most of this is a nerve related issue. Yes, it feels like I have something in my sinuses, but I'm not totally sure that it's not nerve related too. I discovered when I press on a certain nerve in my neck, it makes me feel extreme sinus pressure and will actually make my nose feel stuffy. Weird huh? I'm on like 5 different medicines right now. I started a medicine for neuralgia...medicine for migraines. It helps a little. All the medicine is affecting my brain though. I was driving to the chiropractor the other day....forgot where I was going and ended up at the library. This is the 3rd or 4th time in the past couple weeks that I've done this. Not good. lol Anyway, had a good mini-vacay with my family. David and I argued before we left. He started doing some house work...not out of love or concern...b/c he was aggravated with me. Also, b/c he thinks I've been faking how bad my pain is. I could have kicked him in the nads. He's seen me crying over the pain. He's seen me take more drugs than I ever have and he knows how much I loathe taking meds. You'd think that would convince him....or even the fact I was doing so well before all of this happened. He eventually apologized for once again not communicating with me, lieing about the way he felt the day before, and for thinking I'm faking. The thing is....before the apologies, he had me feeling like scum. I was convinced that I'm the bad spouse....again....right after I had actually stopped making my dinner so I could make him dessert just b/c I love him. I caught myself falling into old thought patterns....old patterns alltogether. Started wondering if he plans this or if its all in my head.....or maybe he's oblivious. The thing is he admits he knows his behavior plays with my mind....he knows it. He told me, but he doesn't mean to he says. I've so got to learn how to rise above this crap....not letting him affect me the way he does. Isn't it funny how the ones we are in love with can push our buttons the most? Well, I hope he's being sincere. I've tried explaining to him how certain housework makes me hurt, but I understand his side of things too. He works hard and he needs me to keep things going at home. So, that's why I tried vacuuming today....it worked out so well. Oh, and the back pain is on the left side of my body....where I'm having all the other issues. I'll be sitting on the couch waiting for my x-rays to come in. Yay. David was sick for several months one time. I took care of him and never accused him of faking. Of course I hoped he'd get better soon, but never once did I think he was faking. He wasn't as sick as I am now and I took care of him....no questions asked. I asked him if he believes I'm faking a back injury too. He said no. We'll see.
I really want things to be good b/t us. We had a great vacay and a great anniversary. I made him steak...he was happy. I was happy b/c he spent time w/ me. Why can't everything be so simple? Hmm. Hope all of you are doing well. I'll be back soon hopefully...it may be several days. Take care. ☺

Because of You

2010-07-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

I had a Kelly Clarkson moment with my mom tonight....finally. Whoa. My mom started leaving me facebook messages after she told me I'm self absorbed. I think she felt bad for what she said...actually I know it now after tonight. I found out my dad called her up to basically tell her not to encourage me to divorce my husband. He made her feel guilty....thus the facebook messages began. She'd leave a message saying she wants to spend time w/ me or she'd comment on something my kids did. All of the sudden she became "present". Of course, me being me....and not so good at hiding my feelings decided to ignore most of her FB postings. I admit, I was such a baby. I should have just said what I wanted to say to her.....b/c I had time to let it all build. When I found out what my dad did , it kinda sent me over the edge knowing she felt guilty b/c of what he said and not guilty b/c of the things she said to me and for not being present in my life....I know...a little whiny. I pretty much said everything in Because of You and more. She made me her best friend while I was growing up....telling me things no kid should know about their parents marriage. I remember finding her in the bathroom crying and then she talked about wanting to die. I was in 10th grade....and afraid my mom would kill herself. She told me she couldn't spend time with me b/c of my dad. I believed her. Then after the divorce, she just wasn't there much at all anymore. I approached her a few times, but she defended herself and even pinned some of the blame on me. This time I didn't let her. I made her cry. I cried a little too. She finally admitted what I've known all along. She admitted she couldn't be a present mom b/c her mom wasn't present....she admitted she didn't have it to give. She blew up at me too. She told me she never would have told her mom all this bad stuff. I told her, "Then how did she ever know? Even if she couldn't change, at least she would know that she hurt you and she wouldn't be in the dark about it." I told her sometimes you just have to let it rip and get stuff off your chest. I told her yeah, I know it hurts, but sometimes people NEED to know how they've hurt another person. She needed to know. I needed her to know. I'm so tired of hearing about how to let things go. I did a WHOLE lot of that and it does come back....eventually. It's different when you know a person isn't capable of learning, but this wasn't the case with my mom. I've seen her learn....I've seen her evolve. Politeness is nice, but telling the truth...being honest with yourself and others can go a long way. A deep root of bitterness or unresolved feelings never leads to growth or maturity. Sure, sometimes it's good to be the bigger person, but if you have the option b/t being the bigger person or being on the same footing in a healthy relationship...wouldn't you want that? I want my relationships to reach the best of their potential.
I apologized for not being great with words and apologized for not telling her enough of the good things she did when we were growing up. She was a good mom when we were little....she was...and she needed to know. So, I told her....and I also told her it's not too late to change things now. I told her I still need her and my kids do too. I told her she doesn't have to fill the "void" with a man. I think she listened....I think.
I think I finally got everything out on the table. She and I talked for a little longer and agreed to a mom and daughter date sometime soon. It'll be good.
I think I'm ready to start things back up. I did what I needed to do. We're going out of town for the weekend for our anniversary to Gatlinburg TN. David wanted to surprise me. I think it's sweet. ☺I just hope I can enjoy myself....I'm feeling pretty rough right now...lots of inflammation. Urgh. Monday will be my day.....I'm ready.

9 Crimes

2010-07-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

David and I have had problems off and on for a while now. In fact, it was one of the reasons I began blogging...another reason was my fading faith. If you ever want to get to know me better go look back at the archives in my first blog called Winding Road . A few of my followers have been with me since the near beginning of my other blog. At that point, I wasn't sharing anything with anyone about what I was going through. I was more of a suffer in silence type of person. I was taught to speak blessings on my husband...keep private things private...and submit myself in every way to my marriage...to the life I was trying to keep up. Some of it I believe in. I do think in marriage, both people should be willing to submit to one another....not just a woman submitting to her husband's "authority" in exchange for love which I think is the way my husband interpreted the scriptures for years. The thing is, I was submitting but he was growing apart from me slowly....taking away his heart and the intimacy I needed most. Then my returning gesture was to try to push....push him into giving himself to me again w/o understanding why he was taking himself from me in the first place.
   Well, first was the making rude comments about my weight during arguments. Then he'd hardly communicate with me and started withholding physical love from me. Then there was the racism issue when my brother began dating a girl from Korea. Then there was me coming to the realization that David is mostly likely sick w/ Huntington's, trying to talk w/ him about it, and him totally shutting me down when I just wanted to let him know what was going on inside of me and I wanted to know what he was thinking too. Then I started losing weight and looking good. He sabotaged me....again....it was not a first time thing. Then he complained about me not taking care of the house the way I needed to while I've been very ill even though I explained to him I was conserving what little time I had feeling good to do things with my kids. Last week he came to me and apologized for not communicating and told me he would try to get better at it. I told him it wasn't enough. I told him the racism thing and him toying w/ my self esteem when I was feeling good was enough for me to still consider ending things. He admitted he knows the things he says to me toys w/ my self esteem....I'm going to have to explore the "whys" to that more with him. When we got on the subject of racism again, he told me he was done. He told me he didn't want to hear me criticize him anymore. I laughed and told him he criticizes me far more without the added benefit of lifting me up....rarely ever. I added the fact I am constantly lifting him up all the time. I cried. I asked him if losing his family is worth holding onto his outdated and wrong beliefs. I asked him if he wants our children to be robots. He told me, "Kim, I have black friends, I just don't believe in mixing." (rolled my eyes) I asked him what he thinks about our biracial daughter and he told me "She's my little girl." I basically asked him if he wants our little girl to grow up thinking there's something wrong w/ her due to his beliefs. He couldn't say much to that. I spoke against this racist preacher he used to listen to and he told me the reason I'm sick right now is probably b/c I've been cursed for speaking against a man of God. I told him the reason I'm sick is b/c of germs, or bad posture, or something the docs haven't figured out yet....NOT b/c of God and I added that his preacher is no man of GOD. Then I asked him how he intends to tell our biracial daughter she can only date one kind of person. He didn't answer at the time. I asked him if he'd be able to handle not seeing me or the kids as often. He said if it meant never having to hear criticism against his beliefs and if it meant not having to argue then he was ready. So I cried more and we held eachother. He told me I could take my time getting things together.We talked a little more over the next couple of days until he had some time off. We put the children to bed. We went outside that night on the back porch with folding chairs and citronella candles. We talked in the darkness. I told him my views. I explained to him how I know there are things my parents taught me that weren't right and I won't pass those things on to my children. I explained how we should be building a moral foundation for our children and letting them grow into the people they are supposed to be without filling them up....letting them form their own thoughts on things. Then he asked, "Well, what if one of them turns out to be gay?" I told him, "It's our job to love our kids. We should be there for our kids through everything in life. We're the ones they'll turn to if they ever need advice or help if we love them the right way. Disowning a child only makes them hate their parents and does nothing to help them." Then I told him how I was rejected when I was a pregnant teen. I told him how I lost all my friends at church and about how my dad had disowned me right before I got pregnant. Even though he knew this stuff already, I think it finally got through to him that the reason I had so many problems was b/c of my parents trying to make me into something I wasn't....not letting me grow naturally and not loving me to the fullest. I told him we should let our children develop their own views on things....he finally compromised...after all this time. When it comes to my babies I won't just settle, he has to show me he'll stick w/ this promise and not sabotage it down the road.
   We moved onto the subject of him supporting me. I've tried and lost weight many times through out our marriage. He was constantly making comments about my body and my weight. I told him if he had focused more of that negative energy into being positive, that it would have been more helpful. I also reiterated my displeasure with him spying on me via my email account. I explained to him it made me so mad not b/c he spied but b/c he thought he needed to. He has my passwords, I never erase my history. He could have looked at almost anything he wanted to regarding my computer activities and never thought once about the fact I left myself open for him and he never once inquired verbally his concerns when a huge part of our problem is his inability to commuicate with me!! I had already told him why I was dressing up more, why I was feeling good, and why I was snapping at him. I told him it's b/c I was taking good care of myself and realized I'd been taking a lot of crap from him. I told him he didn't need to look at my spam folder to find that out b/c I had already communicated to him. (Btw, I changed my passwords after this happened...I was just so darn mad..I think this might encourage him to communicate more though rather than poking in my spam folder...no clue why he went to my spam folder--key word--spam..lol) Yet, even though I told him the reasons behind the changes he still didn't trust me....even though I left my life as open as I could.That hurt. He told me he didn't believe that I was actually reading books in my car when I went out, and if he'd have spied in the right places like my blog he'd clearly see that I wasn't lieing. lol. Not to mention I call him sometimes just to see how he's doing when I am reading my books in a parking lot somewhere. He could easily come check on me if he wanted to.  I told him how much I'm attracted to him...only him. As a matter of fact, I'm always trying to seduce him and he's turned me down on many occasions. I said to him, "Do you know how many men are just begging their wives to have sex w/ them right now and you have a wife who is ready to do anything you want??" He got quiet on this one at first. I told him I realize he's tired and getting older, but we've only been married for 8yrs. now and he's gotta get in shape w/ me so we can act like a couple who's only been married for 8yrs. He apologized and told me he realises he's taken me for granted. Oh, and just in case you're wondering...I was a big girl when he married me so he can't blame it on not being attracted to me.. He's told me many times it's b/c of being tired and being old.
     Anyway, I explained to him how complaining about all the homemade, homecooked healthy food is not a good way to support me and telling me you don't want to go outside of the house to live life with me is not a good way to support me and it's certainly not good for our family. He agreed. This lead into talking about our whole non-conversation about Huntington's. I told him I didn't understand why he was so mean when I tried talking w/ him about it. He told me he didn't realize he had been. I told him he did good towards the end of the conversation but totally tried to alienate me in the beginning of it. I explained to him I can't imagine how difficult this whole thing is, but we've gotta stick together....especially if I'm going to take care of him when he gets sick. I told him it'd help too if he'd try to eat healthier and take Omega 3's. It might keep the Huntington's from coming so soon. He agreed. I reiterated that we only have so many years together and only so long to make memories together and w/ our children.
When we had fought previously a few days before our long conversation, when he said that he was ready for it to be over too, he also told me he doesn't love me the same way he used to. He told me he doesn't love me very romantically anymore. It hurt badly b/c I've never stopped loving him in any way although I was ready to leave if need be to show him how serious I am about change in our marriage. Angry? Yes, I was and still am a little angry. So done being a door mat. So sick of putting my heart out there when he kept taking himself from me more everyday and so sick of trying to keep things up when his views could potentially destroy our children and our family. Yet, I was scared....so scared of what would happen if I just left. I was scared to think about having to live w/ one of my parents, scared of being away from my children, scared of not doing well enough in the outside world. I realise fear paralyzes me and I need to change this. For now, David has given me reason to hope. I hope he was being authentic when making me promises. We shall see. What I find so funny now is the fact he told me he doesn't love me romantically, but as soon as he began opening up....communicating with me....being intimate w/ me....he was all over me afterward...for the next 2 days. I think maybe he does love me romantically but maybe he had covered it up....covered it up with all the things he needed to get out. I also think he's conflicted inside about many things...I think he needs me as an anchor more than he knows....maybe as a teacher as well. I surely hope this is what it is. I am being a little skeptical about things right now b/c I truly want to believe he wants change...I want to believe I'm making the right decision. For right now, I'm putting all of this away and getting back to focusing on all the other things: weight loss, getting ready for our new school year, getting my health back, getting my house in order. Also, I am thinking about going back to school next year...another thing I discussed w/ him. So, lots of things in the works right now.
   Thank you to all of you that have stuck around. Thank you to those of you that have kept me on your blog roll. lol. Thank you to all of you who didn't delete me. I lost like 4-5 people through this thing...which is fine...I ended up gaining a few newbies. Welcome by the way. ☺ I began blogging for myself like most of us did. There are some people appalled by my willingness to open up about these hard subjects, but what you guys haven't seen in the past is the messages I get from other housewives that are dealing with some of the same issues. I get thank yous and stories and encouragement b/c there are women out there who want to be heard, who want people to know there are women still living in very old school controlling marriages...ones in which they feel less than. If they get something out of it, then that is a plus. If I get to release all this negativity out into the universe and my children reap the benefit of having a happy mommy....then I'm ok with this. I don't know if it's wrong or right to put things out into blogosphere concerning other people, but what I do know is that I was falling....falling hard b/c I had no one to be honest with. It seems like people would want honesty. I try to live that everyday in the best way I can. Sometimes honesty isn't pretty....life is not always pretty. I understand the need for positivity, staying positive, being positive, bringing positivity back....whatever...you get what I'm sayin, but sometimes shit happens and it's bad. Shit happens and people in real life don't want to hear about it or ya feel like you don't want them to hear about it. And sometimes it IS appropriate to fester when shit happens....grief is ok and natural. Of course, it's not something we want to do our entire lives, but there is something healthy about being sad sometimes. Also, I know people were questioning my sanity when I began talking about leaving my husband, but sometimes we have to demand more even if it means the breaking of something. My children and I deserve a chance at a normal, healthy life. So, here....in the blogosphere I can be me....raw, beasty, bitchy, whiny, dumb, raunchy, intelligent, feisty, lovely, positive, beautiful, amazing, creative, successful....anything under the sun. I'm not here blogging to get more followers although I do admit I'd really like to do a giveaway sometime in the near future, but I've been conflicted b/c I want it to be only for people who have been here already. So, not really sure what to do with that...but anyhoo. Of course, I admit....I love it when I get new followers and I'm sad when they leave too, but I am what I am and that is ok. I like knowing that someone is joining b/c they can relate to something I said, or they want to support or be supported....not b/c I'm trying to hit a number. Not to say that won't change in the future, but I like it this way now.
Oh, and PS-- I wasn't speaking against Christian men in my last big post. I was simply saying my mother taught me to look for that quality in a man and not much of anything else. So, sorry if I didn't word that right.

Thank you to certain people...I think you know who you all are. You're the ones who've been encouraging me, being honest with me, making me laugh, lavishing love and support on me even though you've never met me, introducing me to new blogs simply b/c you were reminded of my situation when reading something. Thank you to my real life friends who listened to me cussing on the phone or on facebook. Sorry if I annoyed the heck out of you. Thanks Kimber for the coffee and girl time. Robin, thank you for all the Here's to You Thursdays. You kept me laughing and even in tears. The song attached w/ this blog is one Robin picked out for my situation....it fit perfectly. Thanks.

Sick and a Question for You ☺

2010-07-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'm sick...with a bad cold...on top of all the other junk that's wrong with me. I got a test back from the doc. She said my inflammation test came back positive. I'm on a powerful antibiotic b/c she said my sinuses are swollen. The thing is I'm almost done with the antibiotic and I'm still sick with most of the same problems. This is my second round of anitbiotics in the past 3 or 4 weeks. The chiropractor has helped some fortunately, but the overall problem is still there...still presenting itself possibly as many things. So, still narrowing down sicknesses, hoping to get to the bottom of what's really wrong with me...hoping it's not a weird tumor or cyst or something...b/c that would suck. And it would kinda be the cherry on top considering all the other fun stuff I've been through recently. lol. Anyway, I had a super great 4th of July. I hope you guys did too. I'm thinking about making a Facebook page for my blog just so I can do vlogs and show fun videos of other things me and mine do to pass the time. Would any of you join it if I did this? I'm not out to get tons more followers...it's just not my style, but I'd love to connect more with the ones I've already got. So, tell me what you think and I'll make my decision from there. ☺
Oh, and btw my post on what happened b/t David and I is in the works...actually it's turning into a mini book, but alas, it will be here soon. Stay tuned....

Stuff

2010-07-01T23:56:00.000-07:00

Lots of stuff happened tonight....well...lots of stuff has happened over the past several days, but the big, HUGE things happened tonight. I'll blog it as soon as I can. I want to thank those of you that have stuck by me throughout the hard time I've been having...even when I've had nothing to give back. You will never know how truly blessed I feel to know such wonderful people. As for the followers I've lost, sorry I wasn't what you expected. I am me...and that's ok and you are you and that's ok too. Change is afoot in a big way. Stay tuned....

"So shines a good deed in a weary world." --Willy Wonka

I Believe

2010-06-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

When I was in first grade, I had a friend named William. William and I really liked eachother and we were the best of friends. Everyday on the playground, we'd run to eachother, hold hands, and play tag. In the mornings when we'd get off the school bus, we'd have to sit in the hallway while waiting for our teachers. One day, William's older cousin came up to us in the hallway. She began preaching about how "Blacks and whites ain't supposed to be together. It's against God!!" I said, "Uh Uh! That's not true! William isn't black! He's brown!" lol. (shrugging shoulders) That's the way I saw things. Well, anyway, eventually William and I ended up in different recesses than before so we didn't get to see eachother as much, but one day his class was lining up as my class was going outside to play. He motioned for me to come over to him. When I was in reach, he planted a huge kiss on my cheek. I remember being on Cloud 9....I was so happy my friend thought enough of me to give me a huge smooch. Well, my teacher saw the whole thing. I'll always remember that teacher's name and her pretty smile. Her name was Ms. Judy. Ms. Judy and I talked about William and I explained to her how good a friend he was. Well, she began to give me a treat every morning to take down to William's classroom....every morning without fail. I'd knock on William's class door and his class would watch every morning as William and I carried out our everyday ritual of mutual respect and gratitude for one another. My family moved very often when I was young. We moved about once a year until we moved to Charlotte the summer before I turned 12. Anyway, we had to move again...and it was in the middle of the year. On my last day, William's whole class came down to my classroom w/ a going away gift and card. William and I hugged, and said our goodbyes. I look back at it now and those two teachers must have been profoundly affected by William and I. Even back in 85 there were still strong feelings on the matter of interracial relationships...of any sort, well at least here in the south. Those ladies saw the innocence behind mine and William's friendship...they understood we saw the color, but just that....color like you'd find in a crayola box....no preconceived notions of racism.
   Hate is taught....plain and simple. I grew up around racist grandparents. I was taught to just overlook the nasty things they'd say. I was taught to overlook the nasty things other people would say. I was taught to be numb...b/c there was nothing I could do about it...so I thought. There were hints of it in the man I married, but I was taught to be numb...and so I was. I know now what's really there....and I'm not sure that it's only hate. I think it's fear...fear his father planted inside him. My husband told me he'd never change his thinking...even if it is a flaw. He told me he wouldn't go to my brother's wedding if he and Niki survive this long distance period in their relationship. Remember Niki is Korean? I asked him if he'd disown our kids if they ever dated outside of their ethnicity....he said yes. I truly hope he's lieing.
   My mother told me to marry a Christian man....above all other traits...he had to be a Christian man. I was never taught to look for anything else. Magically somehow, if the man was a Christian man, everything else would be good...is what I perceived. Over the years, here where I live....an hour away from Charlotte in a small town, I've come to the realization hate still lives very alive and well in this little corner of the earth. There are people here who actually threaten their children's lives if they consider an interracial relationship. There are whites who believe since they are the majority, there should never be a black president. I was talking with a friend of mine from middle school a while back. He asked me where I live now and I told him. He asked me if I live in the city where the KKK started. I had no clue. Well, I recently researched it and found out Thomas Dixon Jr. originated here---just read the link. So, I understand things a little better now, learning lots of things in the past little while, and the more I find out the more it makes me understand I have some choices to make. And to think, a couple of months ago, all I was concerned about was my husband dieing before I could live enough life with him. (sigh) Amazing how so much has changed and amazing how my eyes have been opened. I will never be the same.
   Skin color is only skin color...melanin...which all people have in different amounts. People act according to how they've been treated. If you give a baby milk, then it will thrive. If you ignore a person, make them feel less than, tell them they aren't good enough.......then you'll reap what you sow. Plain. and. simple. There are bad people all over the world...many different colors. There are also good people all over the world...many different colors. There are intelligent people...many different colors. There are ignorant people...many different colors. ;)

Blog Changes

2010-06-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

Hi guys,

Some of you may have noticed I slashed my blog title in half. Well, when I originally began this blog it was supposed to be a sister blog to my other one called Winding Road. Well, it's already hard enough for me to get enough alone time to write on this one, so the other blog has just been sitting there. I've been putting all my thoughts and feelings into this blog here lately. I wanted this blog to be strictly for food logging, talking about feelings related to weight loss, sharing info about PCOS and keeping track of pounds lost. Well, a lot has happened in the past couple of months. I've been completely derailed by circumstances....and ya know, I know it's a real bummer to come to my blog and read my latest complaints about life, but this is where I am....right now. It's not where I was a few months ago. A few months ago, things were going better b/c I was still a bit blind about some things that were going on around me and in some of it I chose to be blind. I'm close to my 30th b-day now and it's like all of the sudden my brain is catching up with my age. I've got a lot of thoughts and I need someplace to put them. I hardly blog about PCOS anymore and the title "Saving My Life" is beginning to take on a broader meaning for me. It was only about weight loss then....now it's me fighting to live in every sense of the word. So, hence the change to just "Saving My Life". I'm sure I'll mention PCOS from time to time and this blog will still be about weight loss too, but it will also be a place for me to work out feelings about how I want to live my life. So, anyway, I just wanted to explain that. Thank you.

Run Baby Run

2010-06-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

Where have I been? I've been around....just not on my blog so much. After my last real post, I just started to shut down a bit. The thing is, when I shut down....I basically feel like I've been defeated. I was just so tired of fighting with my husband, I just went back to some of the old behaviors. I mean, I've been sick, really sick...and the fighting just made it 10x worse. So, I just put dieting on hold, stopped fixing myself up and started acting like the old Kim again....the old Kim who will ask David a gazillion times if he's ok. That's been a lot of our marriage recently...me guarding his insecurities...walking on egg shells. (sigh) I'm so tired. I'm so mad....very mad. In the last real post (link earlier in paragraph), I told you guys how I attempted to talk with my mom about things going on at home and she told me 2 sentences into my rant that I am self absorbed. It hurt....real bad...and it made me so angry. I think it made me angrier than David did. I'm angry b/c I spent so many years being her best friend b/c she was ashamed to talk w/ anyone about the abuse she was going through. I'm angry b/c she told me their whole marriage that it was my Dad's fault she couldn't spend more time w/ me and I believed her and I believed that she would make up for lost time after they finally separated for good. She dropped me like a bad habit. Not only did she drop me like a bad habit, she got mad at me for confronting her about it years ago. I left it alone....she left me alone. When I invited her to my daughter's play during last fall, my aunt Marie who rode w/ her, told me how she complained about having to go to the play when she had all sorts of important "other things" to do. Well, I called her today to tell her my daughter is having a performance this Friday. She says, "Well, ya know how I've been talking to that guy here lately? I think he plans on asking me on a date this weekend and I told him I'd be free. I hate to tell him that and then tell him no when he asks." I say, "Mom, first off there's more than one day in a weekend and also would you really want to go on a date w/ a guy who'd be offended by you going to your grandaughter's play??" Yet, I'm self absorbed....I'm the effing self absorbed one and she couldn't even really tell me why I'm self absorbed but I'm pretty sure it has to do with all the pictures of myself I've posted on FB lately--7 pics from my cell phone. And ya know, I posted those pics b/c I was losing weight and feeling great about myself--not to mention it kept my hands busy taking all those photos (I quit smoking). I actually hated being in photos...loathed it. This was literally the first time in my life I began to enjoy being in photos...thanks mom for bringing me back down to earth. And ya know, I am a caregiver...a caregiver. A position was made for me in my last homeschool group as a meal coordinator b/c I was the one who'd always coordinate meals for families in need. I'm the one who took care of my dieing grandfather and the one who stayed w/ my racist grandmother when she had a heart attack b/c she'd fire all the caregivers hired b/c they were black. I took care of her when no one else would...me...no one else and it was a very hard job conisdering how much I hate racism. I let my mom come live with me b/c she separated from my dad a week before I got married. She took over my lease and told me she'd stay long enough to get my security deposit back for me since I paid rent for two months (for her). She stayed until a week before the lease was up...a week...250 dollars down the drain...but, I am self absorbed. I normally do not point out good deeds I've done, but I'm trying to get the point across here--I love myself...but I'm not self absorbed.I feel like no matter how hard I try to evolve into the person I know I'm meant to be, I'll always be cut back down to size for the people in my life...to suit them and their needs. That's hard...b/c I'm just not sure if I'm cut out to suit their needs anymore and no...I'm not talking about my kids at all. I love being needed by my kids and it's loving them that keeps me going every single day...they are my joy in life. I live in some pretty crappy circumstances at the moment but I will not tell you I'm having all bad days b/c everyday I get to be with my babies...those are always good days.
As far as David's concerned....I'm not really sure what to do. I have felt like running....some friends have had to talk me down from the ledge...for now. Thank you Kimber for the life support....and the coffee. ;)

I've been identifying a lot here lately with Garbage lyrics. I know...the band name sucks...but this girl holds a lot of "chick" power in her words. One of my favorite bands from when I was young...still one of my fave. Notable verses are: "Every time you give yourself away It comes back to haunt you
Love's an elusive charm and it can be painful To understand this crazy world
But you're not gonna crack
No you're never gonna crack
So when nothing seems too certain or safe

Let it burn through you
You can keep it pure on the inside
And you know what you believe to be right"

and my favorite part....

"Find out who you are before you regret it
Cause life is so short there's no time to waste it"

We've been getting along a little better, but as soon as I go back to "trying" , I know it'll get bad all over again most likely. I can't give up on my dreams and plans though....I do know that. Heaven only knows how this whole thing will end. If it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger....well, I hope it will.

I'm not sure if I can explain this the right way, but I'm capable of living two very separate identities. There's me, Kim; the mother, daughter, friend and wife and then there's Kimberly. Kimberly is the girl who was always pushed down, and she was taught not to be herself...hell..she was told to not even use her full first name b/c it's too long . Actually, I think people get weirded out by Kimberly and that's ok...I'm ok with being different. I talk a lot and I don't get embarassed too easily, but I'm great in public situations talking with other people and have the ability to make fast friends. I take shit off of no one and want to be healthy. I have aspirations to be an historian....maybe a sociomusicologist, maybe a violinist...after all it was something I loved for a long time. I also want to stay home with my babies to watch them grow and to spend the little bit of time I have with them before they're grown up and moved out. I love nurturing my kids, loving my kids, and learning how to be a better parent....not just parenting like my parents just for the sake of their honor. But I also do not want to be told or be made to feel like I have to martyr parts of myself to do that. I can be a stay at home mom without sacrificing my total self and without sacrificing all my dreams and my health just to get along with a man and just to make him happy. I'm a philosopher at heart, but also scientifically minded....although I am terribly interested in paranormal things. I'm very openminded and that's ok too.
So, the gist of all of this is I'm back....I'm really back. I just needed time to think and now I'm done whining, done thinking, and done trying to please people. I am Feminista. I am the only one that can be responsible for my happiness. So....let it begin....or continue...er..whatever...you know what I mean. PS-Still a Grade A non-smoker. ☺

Eye of the tiger baby...eye of the tiger. ☺

I Love Your Blog Award

2010-06-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

Hi all, I know I haven't been around for many days now, but there's a good reason for it....I've got nothing great to say at this point. I'm getting there, but I just need a little time to get my thoughts together. However, in the meantime, I was bestowed with a super sweet blog award from Robin over at Your Daily Dose . I received the "I Love Your Blog" Award.
The first rule of this award is to thank the person or people who gave it to you. So, thank you Robin. And I'll add something. Robin is very intuitive and really loves people. She has cheered me up a whole lot in the past little while with her Here's to You Thursdays. She finds witty/funny clips that pertain to a situation you're going through. She's been dead on both times with mine. lol Here's the first one and the second one . They were kinda perfect and made me laugh hysterically. Again, thank you Robin. ((hugs)) All of you are awesome. ☺☺☺
The second part of this award is to write ten things that you love. Now, since I've been in such a bitchy mood here lately and have taken it out on my blog, really, this is the perfect thing for me to do....name things I love. See what I mean? Robin knew exactly what kind of therapy I need. lol! Ok, Robin....I have to steal a few..well, not really stealing b/c some of the things you love are things I really love too. ☺

1. My family--I've done some pretty stupid things in my life...yet most of them still love me and talk to me. In my defense, most of them have done pretty stupid things in their lives, but that's what makes family so great. If they start ganging up on me, all I have to do is mention something horrible that nobody else knows from their past....lol. No, just kidding, really. I love my family, even though some of them drive me nuts, and sometimes I avoid a few of them. They'd come to my rescue in a heartbeat if I needed them and I for them as well. My kids are my world and make my life have meaning. Everything good I do, I always hope it all benefits them. I love them so much.

2. Music--ALWAYS music. My life is one big friggin soundtrack. When I hear a song, I hear every detail of the song. Every instrument, every note, every dynamic....(sigh)...music is like air to me. There's not a genre I totally dislike although I do not like gangsta rap about hoochies and money and booties...or...uhh...other stuff. But that's another conversation for another day b/c I'M talking about things I love. lol

3. Kindred Spirits--Ever watched Anne of Green Gables?? Well, it just happens to be one of my favorite collections of stories. Anyway, Anne is always looking for kindred spirits....people she feels closely tied to who have no blood relation with her. I have a handful of kindred spirits in my life and I love them. They get me and I get them and I think I'd go insane if I didn't have just a few people in the world who understand me.

4. Books--I LOVE books. I breathe books like I do music. I've never listened to an audiobook and I'm not sure I would b/c I love real books...that I can hold in my hands. I love vintage first editions especially...the smell....like fine wine I'm sure...and if not then you can keep the wine b/c books will do just fine..mmmk? We used to live in an old house in Sandersville GA and the attic was filled w/ old books from the 1800's. I'd sit up in that attic for hours just to look at the books...fascinated by the contents. Most of them were medical books that showed amputation diagrams. Eww! I still loved looking at them.

5. Old things--I love old things. Give me an antique shop in Tennessee and I'm a happy girl. I love looking at artifacts, old tools, old anything really. I love ran down homesteads...imagining the past inhabitants thrills me. I love old cemetaries and find them fascinating. I'd love to be an historian....amongst other things.

6. Movies that touch me in a profound way-- Movies like Cold Mountain (the first quote on this site is my fave but I love all of them..and the scene when Ada is playing the piano, looking at Inman's tintype w/ tears streaking her cheeks while Ruby listens from the staircase above) , The Notebook, The Other Boleyn Girl, Goya's Ghosts (please watch this one if you can), Dangerous Beauty (about an influential courtesan in 16th-century Venice. ) Oh, and the scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Angel shows up at Buffy's prom even though they are in the midst of saying goodbye to eachother. They walk slowly, gazing eye to eye, then begin dancing to The Sundays rendition of Wild Horses. She leans her head against him w/ tears in her eyes while they slow dance....heart wrenching!! I cry like a baby every time I watch it. lol The Color Purple--when Celie raises her hand up against Mister and says, "Until you do right by me, everything you think of is gonna fail"...wow!...so powerful.

7. Art--In any shape or form. I like to find beauty in unexpected places and I love getting lost in a painting or photo.

8. Writing-- I like how Robin put it though. I might not necessarily love the actual writing process, but I like it when it's over and I have the written product...something that somebody else may love or relate to. It's rewarding.

9. The ocean--My dad always made sure we had a beach trip. We'd go camping in Myrtle Beach. There's something about standing in front of the ocean, listening to the waves, breathing the salty air, feeling the cool breeze gliding across bare skin that renews my spirit. There have been times when I've felt low and being near the ocean was the only thing that soothed me. The last time I went several years ago, I went a day ahead of my family. I spent a big part of the night just sitting on the beach by myself, listening to Sheryl Crowe's Global Sessions while breathing in the air listening to the waves. I loved every second I had to myself. (smiling) Then I went to Margaritaville where I heard a band that sounded just like the Dave Matthews band. lol

10. The simple things in life-- A few favorites are: holding my babies, I loved nursing them too, collecting sea shells, being surrounded by flowers and sniffing every one of them until I sneeze, growing things and touching the earth with my hands, breathing in the smell of soil, soft kisses, chocolate, old buildings, laying in the grass watching clouds, watching deer across from my house, talking to old friends, laughing, hugs and cuddles, a glass of wine occasionally, and sex (had to sneak that one in there). lol! ;)

Now, the third part of this is to pass this award on to 10 other bloggers:

Fitcetera

Fight Fat Phobia

Fatty Blogsticks

From Fat to Fantastic

Ghost Hunting Theories

My Big Fat Super Obese Blog

Nutmeg Notebook

PCOS...A True Story

PJs and Pounds...A Food Addict/PJ Geek

Getting Better and Better

I'm giving these awards to people who inspire me, make me laugh, make me think, relate with me, and support and love me even when I'm super down in the dumps.....you guys are what it's all about here in the blogging community. ((hugs))

Thinking before I speak...

2010-06-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't blogged for several days.....need time to think...get things straight in my head. I'm still dealing with physical pain, but a friend of mine showed me I can work through some of it. I even went to water aerobics the other night...so that was a plus. I've only been averaging 4 hours of sleep a night. That's all I can sleep before medicine wears off. My body has been gaining back some of the weight b/t not getting ample rest, me not eating wonderfully, and just so much fluid and inflammation from whatever is happening to me right now. I'll be back soon w/ something good to say...promise....and it will be good. Meanwhile, I've been on Twitter a bit....haha @ Robin from Your Daily Dose . I'll explain. Robin does this thing on Thursdays called "Here's to you Thursdays". Basically she finds a very witty piece of media footage to go along w/ whatever you've blogged about lately or it may relate to a current situation you're in. She's done this for me twice and both times she's been dead on....made me laugh a lot. ☺ Go to the link to watch what she picked out for me....it's a Twitter joke b/c I've been sending random thoughts out into Twitter universe here lately. lol. Hope all of you are doing well and I'll be by soon. Laters Gators. ☺☺☺

I'm a Shadow Boxer baby...

2010-06-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

Lastnight I got into an argument with David about a chiropractor...yes, a chiropractor. It was stupid...and shouldn't have been an argument. I tried to relieve the tension and tried to get us away from an argument...it didn't happen. The argument took a very strange and huge turn. My husband goes out to his truck, brings in some papers, and shows me where he's been going into my email spam box printing off spam emails for Eharmony, Match.com, and hot latino singles (b/c he said since my daughter's father was hispanic that MUST be the reason he found a "hot latino singles" email in my spam box...b/c "You like that flavor" were his words...rolling eyes now). LMAO!!! Where it says at the bottom of these spam emails "To unsubscribe, click here", he thinks that means I've subscribed to these dating sites....yep...mmm hmm. I started laughing...a little too hard I think. I tried to explain the concept of "spam" emails to him, but it took a long time for it to sink in. He couldn't figure out why I'd get these kind of spam emails but he doesn't. (sigh) I still don't really know why, but my husband does spend a lot of time on video game websites so I guess that's why he doesn't get that kind of spam...who knows. Anyway, I asked him why he'd think I'd cheat on him and asked him who the heck he thinks would want to be with me besides him. I know I'm pretty but let's be realistic here....I'm a big girl and pretty different too. He told me since I've been losing weight, looking better, and have been so snappy at him....that HAS to be the reason why I'm doing these things...b/c he thinks I have been cheatin. I never say this, but I feel it's called for this time around...O.M.G! Then he told me he doesn't buy that I'm actually reading in my car when I take myself on dates. Should I show him my twitter and blogposts that show where I am?? I always tell him where I go and where he can find me. He knows the password to my email b/c I gave it to him and he knows the password to my computer profile. I never erase my history and he could easily access my facebook and blog. I did tell him I prefer he not read my blog b/c it's like a diary, but I also reminded him I tried to get him involved in my blogging in the beginning. He had no interest whatsoever. I was the one who made sure to give him those passwords. Also, sometimes I get him to go into my email to retrieve information for me.  Ya know, the funny thing is.....I'm the one that seduces him. I'm the one that's always chased after him. I slept in the living room a lot these past two weeks b/c I was tired of him not wanting to communicate w/ me....tired of several things really. Well, I decided in the end he must be having a hard time w/ the changes I've been making and having a hard time w/ me being in pain all the time recently. So, I tried to alleviate some of his concerns and I listened to him. He finally made an attempt at communicating....which was good....and out of character for him. I was proud of him after it was over with, but totally frustrated b/c it threw me into a pain attack. All the arguing has made the pain worse. I'm going to the chiropractor tomorrow and I'm waiting just a little bit longer before making an appointment w/ a neurologist b/c I want to make sure this isn't TMJ. I'm still doing some things the dentist told me to do. So, probably another week of this stuff before I can move on to the next doctor. It would be nice if this whole thing could be over with....the pain keeps getting worse and now the pain has moved further down...which is strange. I don't know what's going on.
      Oh, btw, after David went to work I stood in the middle of my kitchen crying and laughing at the same time b/c I realized....he thought I was cheating b/c I got my self esteem back. "I have arrived!", is all I could think.
Later on, my kids came in from outside. My daughter came to me and said, "Mommy...I heard daddy accuse you of cheating. I have to tell you something Mommy. When you go places he makes me and Enoch go back to the bedroom to watch TV so he can get on the computer to look at your profile." Hmmm...I didn't know what to think about this. So I said, "Baby, it'll be ok....I appreciate you telling me this b/c I know you did it b/c you think you're protecting me from something, but I promise you....you don't have to protect me. Your daddy is a wonderful man and you make sure you respect him. Mommies and daddies disagree sometimes and it's not just his fault....it always takes two."
I told David this. He tried to tell me he sends the kids back to the room so he can pay bills....I said, "Bullshit." I'm not a frequent profaner by the way. He finally admitted he looks at my profile a lot when I'm gone. I told him all he had to do was ask and I'd show him anything....nothing to hide...he knows how pissed off I've been at him. I did tell him I was a little flattered that he actually thought I'd cheat on him b/c even a year ago he would not have been concerned in the least. So, I told him thank you for finally caring. Oh, and he was aggravated with my daughter for ratting him out. I had to explain things to him....then they talked it out too...or so he says.
   I've talked w/ my mom and dad about some things that have been going on. My mom's solution is to get the kids back in church. Oh, and two sentences into me explaining about what's been going on she says, "Well Kim, I have an outsider's view and I can tell you what's wrong. You've become too self absorbed." This is coming from the lady who doesn't pick up the phone hardly ever to see how I'm doing. She goes on my facebook to find out....and what I put on my facebook must be a "tell all" about my WHOLE friggin life. My dad's solution is I'm the woman, the one who is supposed to keep things together, and the one who's supposed to teach him. Well, who the heck is going to teach me??? And also, dad, do you think all men are morons or something since you think it's the women who have to keep them in line?? (sigh) I don't know why I've talked w/ anyone about this matter. I guess I just want to prepare family in case things go south. My dad told me he'd have a "very serious talk" with us if we even thought about it. So...ok I suppose....or as my daughter says, "whatever". Maybe smart ass kids are onto something....maybe "whatever" is the thing to say.
      On a lighter note, I finally got out into my overgrown garden w/ my kids, and neighbor kids. They helped me pick 4-5 bags full of veggies...squash, zucchini, mustard greens and spinach. So, it was nice to have something productive in my life today. I enjoyed talking with all the children too. Children have such a fresh, unique, and innocent view of the world. I envy them. Hope you all are doing well. ☺

Once my lover, now my friend

What a cruel thing to pretend

What a cunning way to condescend

Once my lover, and now my friend

Oh, you creep up like the clouds

And you set my soul at ease

Then you let your love abound

And you bring me to my knees

Oh, it's evil babe

The way you let your grace enrapture me

When well you know I'd be insane

To ever let that dirty game recapture me

You made me a shadowboxer, baby

I wanna be ready for what you do

I been swinging around 'cause

I don't know when you're gonna make your move

Oh, your gaze is dangerous

And you fill your space so sweet

If I let you get too close

You'll set your spell on me

So darlin' I just wanna say

Just in case I don't come through

I was onto every play

I just wanted you

Oh it's so evil, my love

The way you've no reverence to my concern

So I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love

To save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn

So I'm a shadowboxer, baby

I wanna be ready for what you do

I been swinging around at nothin

I don't know when you're gonna make your move

Yeah I'm a shadowboxer baby,

I wanna be ready for what you do

And I been swinging around me 'cause

I don't know when you're gonna make your move

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/fiona+apple/#share

Thanks Guys and Update

2010-06-07T01:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been doing the thing you told me "Shrinking Family". Also, I haven't blogged about it yet, but I did let my voice be heard by my husband....I think he heard me loud and clear. I basically told him to change or I'd leave him. I've pretty much been tired of worrying over him when he absolutely refuses to support me and share a deep heartfelt intimacy w/ me after all these years together. June 15th will be 9 years we've been together and he grows further from me everyday. I just kinda felt like he's had all these expectations of me, but I wasn't allowed to have any for him, yet he could walk all over me...and at the end of the day I'd still take care of him when he gets sick. He'd constantly remind me of how bad off I'd be without him....I finally told him I didn't care. I told him I used to be a single mom and I survived back then on way less....and I could do it again....so he shouldn't tempt me. ;) I slept in the living room for many nights, so he knew I meant business. He did apologize for everything which is good, but I'm not going to take his apologies just at face value. I'm looking for deep seeded change....so, we shall see. I feel stronger and I finally feel like I was heard. It was nice. I finally said everything I've wanted to him in the past good while. He actually listened. I think he was more willing to listen b/c I didn't come across as threatening. It was his b-day and I made it a very nice day for him. He actually shed tears over it....I think it reminded him of how good I have been to him regardless of my flaws. You are very intuitive I must say and thanks for your kind motherly words. ((hugs)) And Kyle, chiropractor is actually on my to do list....I haven't been in a while and I know it'd help me. ☺ PJ, thank you for your feedback especially b/c I actually have come across the first one you told me about....with the neuralgia. At least I know now I'm not crazy in considering it. Also thanks for the suggestion after that one. I have not heard of that one....going to look into it more. I have been thinking an ENT may be better suited or neurologist. I'm not sure. I have to make a couple calls tomorrow and get in with a chiropractor. Oh, and PJ thanks for telling me about your TMJ b/c the dentist I'm currently seeing told me he's never seen such acute pain with TMJ, so he doubts that TMJ is the culprit. Why can I find most of my symptoms w/ TMJ online but can't find a doc who believes in these symptoms for TMJ?? I'm hoping and praying for relief soon. This is some pain I'm in. I can touch the left side of my face or turn my head in a few different directions....and it causes a huge pain attack. It takes almost nothing for me to be in writhing pain. When I'm in pain, lights and little sounds make me feel like clawing my eyes and ears....it hurts so bad. I'm taking so much ibuprofen, muscle relaxants, Excedrin migraine, and penicillin. I'm afraid of what all this medicine is doing to my body, but it's the only way I can get relief for a few hours. I've also been spending a lot of time on the couch....which I hate. I want to start Zumba, yoga, and my friend just found water aerobics....1 dollar per class!! I want to go Tuesday, but considering the pain gets worse everyday and medicine is beginning to become ineffective against it, I doubt I'll be going. :( I was doing so well. I've become so derailed in the past month. Between David being sick most likely, marital troubles, and the pain issues....I'm feeling pretty down right now. I was doing so well. I'm gaining weight back in the form of being laid up and so much inflammation right now....holding tons of fluid...ugh. I've not eaten as well too. I think I'm going to start doing some juicing. I've got a juicer I haven't used yet. I'm going to look up foods to fight inflammation, so if you know of any juice combinations or just whole foods that are good for inflammation, please let me know. It would be so helpful. Thanks to all of you for your comments and suggestions.....they were EXACTLY what I needed. Everything else may not be going super well right now, but I'm holding onto two things....my babies and I'm not a smoker anymore. Not smoking is my accomplishment I keep hanging onto. It feels good. And every time I look at my babies, I know I did it for them and I become overjoyed at the prospect of living longer just to be around them. Kisses and hugs....the joy they bring....how could anyone choose a cigarette over that? Well, I mean, I know how one chooses it....I'm just glad my addiction is gone, b/c honestly addiction is a form of insanity and I want to be a sane person for my children. ☺☺☺ Shouldn't we all be striving for this in our weight loss journeys too? ((hugs)) to all of you. I feel like I have the most wonderful support network through this blog. It's good to know ALL of you.

Hanging On and Need Your Help

2010-06-05T22:25:00.000-07:00

I'm in a lot of pain. I've been twittering some....have kept up with a few friends and family on facebook, but I don't have it in me to blog at the moment. I have lots I want to say, but I'm just not well right now. The dentist no longer thinks it's TMJ and I don't think it is either. We're still looking into the root canal thing, but I'm even thinking it's not that. So, I'm in so much pain....and have a little road ahead of me before I can get better. I'm hoping for sweet relief soon, but until then I'll visit some blogs here and there. I'm just too ill right now to think about doing much else....no nicotine btw...still a non smoker. I'm hating the whole "smoker" thing even more now b/c I'm starting to question if maybe I quit smoking too late....it's just something I've thought about since I'm in so much pain right now. I'm on antibiotics....they're doing nothing. So, next will be root canal guy and if he doesn't figure this thing out, I'm thinking neurologist. I'll keep you guys posted when I can.
Oh, and I'll list my symptoms just in case any of you might have a clue about what's going on w/ me. Oh, and I'm not sure if all of it's tied in together but I had a few of the same symptoms a few months back...which lead me to the dentist after lots of normal results from tests my fam doc ran....which lead me to the TMJ prognosis. A few months ago, an upper back tooth on the left side was really sensative. I began feeling pressure in my ears and neck, sensativity in my jaw, 2 tingly fingers on left hand, tight jaw muscles. I had a cavity filled in the tooth and got my mouth guard and all of that went away.....except for the tooth sensativity. The sensativity became worse over time and eventually became pain. For the passed several weeks now the pain has been creeping into my jaw, then up behind my eye like a knife, then down back around to my bottom jaw. My left bottom jaw feels like it's on fire. I feel a twitching sensation in my jaw and the roof of my mouth hurts, along w/ the left side of my throat...like an achey pain. Now, it feels like I have a baseball behind my eyes and nose. My cheek tingles like pins and needles are being pushed through. My left eye tears up and tries to shut on me when I'm in real pain. My ear feels full and hurts sometimes...a couple times I've awoke to a fluid like feeling in my ear. My shoulder aches, my body aches too now. If I'm around noise or bright light, it almost immediately throws me into a migraine. Oh, and today I kept seeing little shadows out of the corner of my eye and thought I saw two strands of hair fall in front of my face...but nothing was there. Oh, and my hair hurts...I know that sounds strange, but my hair actually hurts....and the left side back of my skull when I'm having a migraine. It feels like pressure needs to be relieved in my head....a lot of pressure, but my sinuses are not really that stuffy. I wake up in the middle of the night hurting...can't sleep much. It's making me a little fruity b/c this has been going on for weeks now. Anybody know what all of this is?? (sigh) Considering I began having symptoms a few months ago (I think they're related...not sure), I don't think this is a sinus infection. You can almost draw a line right down the middle of my head....b/c the pain is pretty much all on the left side..at one point I had some jaw pain on the right side but now that's gone. I'll know soon enough though b/c I've been on penicillin for 2 days now. Any help would be appreciated if anybody has healthcare experience or knows anyone who's suffered from like symptoms. Sometimes it takes a village. Thanks.

Twitter

2010-06-04T23:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been twittering. I wasn't really into it, but I do like being able to put random thoughts w/o having to write some big spill. I will be writing my long spills still, but I like getting out the excess too.

So, look me up if you want..... Kimtabulous. ☺

The Good Kind....Do you know I cry? Featuring The Wreckers

2010-06-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

I've been crying from the physical pain. I've been crying about my marital problems. I freakin cried at the dentist office today when I started having a migraine from the TMJ pain, although the doc thinks I may need a root canal too. Oh, and I apologized for crying....ha! The dentist told me he's glad I cried b/c it told him how bad my pain truly is. I've never had anyone tell me they're glad I cried. Later tonight, I talked with a friend about what's been going on w/ my marriage. What'd I do??? I cried some more...I don't think I've ever cried around this friend....or any of my friends for that matter. Wow. I quit smoking and now I cry....I cry. I could go a year without crying before this....what happened to me?? Jeez. OH! And I apparently hug people now.....I was not a hugger before. I'm still kinda weird about hugging friends, but when I was hanging out with my friend Amy last week, I hugged her...and it wasn't a little hug. We got teary eyed and hugged for like 2 minutes or something. Is this healthy? B/c this is all strange to me. I was the person ok with these kinds of hugs-- ((hugs)). I'm changing....inside. I'm not depressed....down yes...not depressed. So the tears are hard for me to understand. Oh, and I think I might go back to college and I'm sleeping in my living room right now. I'm happy about it.....that's the strange thing.

Oh My Blog Award and Soundtrack For My Life ♥♦♣♠

2010-06-01T22:55:00.000-07:00

PJ over at PJs and Pounds...Food Addict/PJ Geek was so sweet to give me the Oh My Blog award. Karen from Fitcetera gave this one to me a little while back, and I really enjoyed making a soundtrack for my life. PJ made an awesome soundtrack for hers by the way. You guys should check it out. So, in the spirit of "soundtracking" my life....I'm going to repost my soundtrack from before and add in a few more. I love music so much and until recently couldn't figure out how to incorporate it into my blog. I finally figured out how to do it and have been having fun using song titles for blog posts here lately....along with the songs. Songs can really help us get in touch with emotion. Music is like air for me.

Here are the details on the award:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER!

2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:

(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.

(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.

(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.

(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog. Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever.

(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, makeup, etc) and post it.

3. Pass this award onto at least 3, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them. (I'll do this part tomorrow)

Ok, so this is the what I chose to do from the Oh My Blog! award. I'm making a soundtrack of my childhood which I've seen no one do so far....I think I know why they didn't b/c it's a little hard. Anyway, here it is. If you click the links, you'll be lead to a youtube video for each song. Each of these songs tells a great story or just has a great message that's dead on about how my life was at the time.

My Childhood

Upside Down by Diana Ross (In the top 40 September 1980--month and year I was born)

Harden My Heart by Quarterflash

Father of Mine by Everclear (Rough childhood w/ dad)

Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (I rebelled...what can I say? I was a grunge in middleschool. I had a Nirvana poster and Beastie Boys poster over my bed.☺)

I also had a big picture Legend of the Fall poster on my bedroom door....

this exact one actually.

Sabotage by Beastie Boys (Go to the 2:13 mark on the video...that is my favorite part of the song...when they just scream and the music just throbs--electric guitar and drums-I love it!...I want to do that--scream--but then people would probably think I'm weird...weirder than before. That's when we little grunges would bang our heads. Banging our heads and smoking pot....maybe that's why I have such a hard time remembering things in the present....but, that's what the grunge era was about...rock music, drugs, sex, self loathing, flannels, koolaid colored hair, and multi-colored fingernails. Geez...it's a wonder I made it out alive...good grief I was a dumb kid.)

Kissing You by Desree from Romeo and Juliet soundtrack (One of my favorite movies from when I was a teen....this movie holds a lot of memories for me. I remember people used to tell me I looked like Claire Danes from this movie...back then. It didn't make me vain--b/c nobody ever complimented me. The fact I remember it from almost 15 years ago should tell you how many compliments I received when I was a kid. I never even found out until several years ago that guys had crushes on me back in highschool. I just always assumed all guys thought I was ugly back then--not that they should have been basing their feelings from my looks. I think it's so important to tell our little girls how beautiful they are everyday. If you've never heard this song...it is one of the most romantic songs ever...absolutely beautiful. I hope you'll listen to it. ☺)

Love Fool by The Cardigans (Also from the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack.--yeah, daddy issues made lots of boy problems when I was a teen. I'm proud to say my dad and I have a great relationship now.)

My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion (And my heart did go on after all the boy problems. lol. I must have watched Titanic like .....5 times I think...in the theater. lol! I was pregnant--I liked crying. lmao)

Because of You by Kelly Clarkson (Me realizing mom had a big part in things too.....maybe now my husband too...just parts of the song. And all of this too shall pass--music is my therapy....just letting it out.)

Full of Grace by Sarah McLachlan (I listened to this album "Surfacing" almost nonstop...it's still one of my faves. The words of this song resonated with me when I was pregnant with my daughter--"I know I can love you much better than this". I almost gave her up for adoption b/c I was so scared I wouldn't love her the way she needed...I was only 18. Oh, and this song is on the Buffy soundtrack. Remember the episode when Buffy has to kill Angel and she goes off on her own? It plays this song. I still bawl like a baby when I see this episode. It's funny...I couldn't cry b/c I was upset with life but I could watch a very fictional show and cry. lol Since I quit smoking, it's been easier to cry--I was stuffing the emotions with bad habits.)

Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore (Tough beginning with hubby...after the honeymoon was over. It talks about coming back to reality...realizing the fairytale isn't always as awesome as you think. Things can get hairy for a while. Then you realize if you simplify, things can work. This is a rockin' song too...love it. I have to add that it's an awesome video too...lots of color and imagination)

I'll Look After You by The Fray (To my precious babies--my daughter knows this is our song. ☺)

I'm Feeling You by Michelle Branch and Santana (How things WERE going.....I will get this back...I will.)

Cable Car by The Fray (Love this one...the lyrics...the music. The words resonate with me very strongly at the moment. I love the music video....hope you guys enjoy it.)

Enjoy and thanks PJ! ☺

Lots of things...

2010-06-01T20:33:00.000-07:00

I have lots of things I want to say right now, but I'm mad, pouting, and in a downright bad place. Meanwhile, I'm still in a load of pain too from the TMJ. I have another appointment with a doc tomorrow morning. I've been setting up my sparkpeople and now I'm getting aquainted with my diet journal. I've gained more than a few pounds now so I've got to jump back on the damned horse. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself and so sick of waiting to be supported by the one I love. I'm in charge of me and I'm responsible for me...with or without support. So, stick around....I'm about to break loose and it's gonna be some good reading....I assure you. I've been reading some of your blogs. I've left a few comments, but I'm having to be careful b/c the muscle relaxants are making me stupid. Don't wanna piss anybody off. Tami at Nutmeg Notebook...I came to your blog and looked at some of your newer posts, but I didn't leave a comment. I just want you to know. I feel so bad I've not been able to comment on as many blogs as usual here lately. Anyway, see you all soon....hopefully new and improved. It may be a couple or few days, but just know behind the scenes....I'm preparing and working some things out.

Had enough,

Kim

"Buzzed" about the Holiday Weekend

2010-05-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been by too many blogs....still being cautious about the whole "being loopy from muscle relaxants" thing b/c honestly this stuff is making me very forgetful and loopy. Also, Joey and Niki are here for the weekend....in between the pain and loopiness and grounding my daughter we're having fun. Yeah, my daughter got caught lieing 3 times in a row, but ya gotta understand, she maybe gets in trouble maybe once or twice a year. She's a super good kid. Parenting is probably the one thing David and I really "get". We always agree for the most part on parental decisions and we agreed this time around that my daughter has a good grounding coming to her. lol Anyway, I'll be back soon...I'm just laying low until I get my mouth fixed. Any time I start moving around a lot I automatically feel pain...it's all very strange. Hope you all have a great weekend and hopefully I'll be by soon. ☺

Giveaway over on Fight Fat Phobia!!

2010-05-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

Tricia is having a super awesome giveaway over on her blog right now.....go follow her. She's very, very funny. Here's her blog..... Fight Fat Phobia . This is the link to her giveaway post btw. Oh, and I just have to mention she did a weightloss challenge at her place of work and won!! Woohoo Tricia!! So proud of you!

Muscle relaxers make Kim smile ☺☺☺

2010-05-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

Went to the dentist in Charlotte.....and he was great. He has a few different theories about why I'm in so much pain. So we're trying theory one and it involves some super duper totally awesome muscle relaxers. Never had these things before.....pretty nifty. I started leaving comments on a few blogs and realized I probably shouldn't do that anymore tonight b/c I might say something stupid....and everything that pops into my head right now sounds funny to me...more than usual anyway. So, hopefully I'll be back tomorrow. Hopefully this mess will be over soon. I have to call the dentist back on Tuesday. He thinks my dentist made my mouth guard wrong possibly....and it''s causing my jaw to be pushed back therefore causing a massive amount of pain. I guess we'll see. Anyway, good night and have a great holiday weekend.

Your whacked writer,

Kim

I asked David how he felt about me being on muscle relaxers and he said just tell the police to call him at work. I asked him why. He said b/c he knows they'll find me ballerina dancing in the front yard. lol! I just love the vote of confidence. It could be worse.....I could be playing with toothpaste like Anna Faris in Just Friends....

Thanks People and Let the Flames Begin by Paramore

2010-05-27T23:12:00.000-07:00

Thanks for your well wishes...much appreciated. I'm going to a specialist tomorrow morning for a consult. I'm hoping this hell will be over soon. I've pretty much cried everyday here lately with all the pain. This is coming from a lady who has a high threshold of pain. I've had 5 surgeries to date and cried on 2 of them....one time each. I had 2 gallstone surgeries, 2 c-sections, and my tonsils removed, part of my tongue removed, part of my pallate removed, and my uvula removed (very painful surgery for sleep disorder) and only cried one time over the pain. So, this will give you a better picture of the kind of pain I'm in right now.
David apologized for being an ass. I basically told him in more words, "I won't be a doormat". The whole issue wasn't that I want to change him. The issue is that for years he's told me "If only you weren't fat we'd be able to do...." and "If you'd lose weight, this would be better....." and I believed him. I believed that life would be open to us if only I'd lose weight and believed I was what was holding "us" back and it kinda turns out that it was a cop out. He's still using the age thing, but it's an excuse. I told him I wish he'd share what's going on in his head b/c I think he's depressed, but he told me I criticize his feelings when he's tried to in the past. I think part of it's true and part of it is another cop out. Sometimes he mistakes me giving advice as criticism which is exactly what I used to do to him when we first got married. It drove him crazy that I was so sensative. I grow a "pair" and he doesn't like it now. These are two examples I can use b/c I know for a fact he was really upset in these two instances: He put Enoch's diaper on crooked one time and I explained how to get it just right so poop doesn't come out the side and explained I've done the same thing he's done before so he wouldn't think I was criticizing him....he did anyway. Last week, he knew I was in pain and made lunch for my son.....grilled american cheese on white bread when I have cheddar cheese and whole wheat bread for the kids and I. David's the only one who eats white bread and process cheese in the house. I didn't say anything the first couple of times and asked him why he wouldn't use my bread. He said, "Oh this won't hurt him." I said, " I appreciate you making lunch for him and it's not that it'll hurt him to eat it a few times, it's just the fact I've got his taste buds liking healthy food and I just don't want him to get used to eating that. Also, I don't want you to run out of your bread. I buy extra for the kids and I." This offended him and I thought I tried to put it nicely, but it's like he's offended that I think his food is not as good as the healthy food I feed the kids and I. His food isn't healthy, but it's not like I go around saying "Eww" to what he eats, but at the same time I feel I should say something if he keeps on trying to feed the kids his processed, non-nutritious food. I dunno...maybe I made too much of a big deal. Either way, it's still not cool that he's still using me as an excuse for things he doesn't want to do and using me as an excuse to not be more intimate w/ me about what's going on in his head. I've babied him over the years and now when I start pushing him to do things he's uncomfortable with, he just makes it all about me and claims I'm not being sensative enough. (sigh)...what a dilemma. Dealing with Dave potentially having Huntington's, not having anymore babies, marital issues, and making the switch to a new homeschool group is so much to recover from. The stress over my dad is gone fortunately and he and I are doing good again. I've just got too much on my plate and I'm getting distracted from my big goal....not sure what to do. There's so many things I need to do and want to do and I feel stuck b/c of all the physical pain I'm in and the emotional stress I'm going through w/ my hubby. I so wish there was writing on the wall on how to deal with this stuff.
Anyway, we're semi-getting along. I'm kinda depressed about this whole situation and it doesn't help I'm in so much pain. I'm having trouble eating my usual raw veggies and fruit b/c of my TMJ and haven't been eating the best things the past couple of days. Also, I'm stumped with a few things about counting calories and am needing help. I need to make a list of my questions but the first one is....how many calories do I need to cut from my daily total to lose weight? I'm not good at math and am trying to figure out how to do this stuff. Anyway, hopefully I'll be back to normal soon. These past few weeks (month really) have sucked in a lot of ways. I want to get back to enjoying my marriage, losing weight, feeling good, and being hopeful.....I really need a good dose of hope right now. I'm still nicotine free by the way. I've been rarely thinking of it as a matter of fact. I just need to get back to my good eating plan soon....I'm scared of gaining more weight back. Eeeeek! Any suggestions on foods that won't hurt to eat? They can't be too cold, too hot, or too hard, or too chewy, and can't get stuck b/t my teeth AND have to be healthy. Ha! Tell me that isn't a riddle to solve! lol Laters gators. Have a great week peeps.
Oh, funny thing....my daughter's piano recital was the other night and my mom came to see it. I asked her if she likes my red hair and she said not really. I asked, "Too punkrockerish?" She said, "Yeah, kinda". I smiled....I'll be going red for a while I think. (wink) Mousy brown or punkrockerish red?

What a shame we all became such fragile, broken things.

A memory remains just a tiny spark.

I give it all my oxygen,

To let the flames begin

To let the flames begin.

Oh, glory.

Oh, glory.

This is how we'll dance when,

When they try to take us down.

This is what will be oh glory.

Somewhere weakness is our strength,

And I'll die searching for it.

I can't let myself regret such selfishness.

My pain and all the trouble caused,

No matter how long

I believe that there's hope

Buried beneath it all and

Hiding beneath it all, and

Growing beneath it all, and...

This is how we'll dance when,

When they try to take us down

This is how we'll sing it.

This is how we'll stand when

When they burn our houses down.

This is what will be oh glory.

Reaching as I sink down into light.

Reaching as I sink down into light.

This is how we dance when,

When they try to take us down

This is how we'll sing it.

This is how we'll stand when,

When they burn our houses down.

In a lot of pain...

2010-05-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

Some of you know I have TMJ. Well, it appears it's taken a big step up in the past two weeks. I've been in severe pain and it just keeps getting worse. I wanted to write a full post tonight but I'm just in too much pain. So, until I get this pain under control, I'm taking a short break. I'm going to find a specialist within the next couple of days and hopefully they'll be able to help. I will be back soon.

Not enough time in the day....

2010-05-26T00:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry, wanted to explain about everything that happened lastnight, but it's been a super busy day from dawn till dark. Hold tight and I promise POD....no more risque Marvin Gaye music....for now. ;) Hey I could have picked a lot worse missy! lmao! lol Meanwhile people, I'm getting a lot of new followers and when I look at your profiles, it doesn't always let me see what your blog site is, so....would all of you that don't have me following you currently be kind enough to leave me your website so I can check you out? I have been introduced to some of the coolest blogs lately due to this little surge and would like to know all of you guys. If you want to lurk....keep lurking...I won't invade if ya don't want me to. lol :)

Let's get it.....Oh, you know how this one goes ☺☺☺

2010-05-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

He apologized for being an ass. I'll give details later....got a hot date right now. Gonna go watch a movie with him.....he asked me. See ya tomorrow. Laters Gators.

Hell

2010-05-24T00:26:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was hell. I have TMJ and was in severe pain all day yesterday....and David and I are still fighting. We usually have a rough time once a year around Mother's Day....so that's why I hate Mother's day. This time, things don't feel like they'll let up anytime soon. He came home lastnight all chipper acting like he didn't abandon the argument the night before w/o reconciliation. I tried talking about the issue of him not wanting to live life with us. I asked him why he's went from wanting to do things like hiking and going out years ago to not wanting to do anything with us outside the house anymore. He just told me plain and simple, that was years ago and he's old now and doesn't feel like doing those kind of things. I told him to stop trying to be an old man. His freakin birthday isn't until next month and he's only turning 38...gah! His dad was always old. My husband is the product of a second marriage so his dad had his last kid when he was pushing 60. So, it's like my husband automatically pushes himself into this old man mode that drives me insane. He talks about how he's old now and can't do the same things he used to do...blah blah friggin blah.
Then he brought up how I'm wanting to spend the money I used to smoke away on Zumba/Yoga classes. He told me he doesn't understand why we can't put that money towards bills. I told him, "Well, why don't YOU quit smoking and put the money towards the bills??". ( He mocked me when I made that suggestion) I want to actually do something positive for myself and if I chose to smoke he'd totally be ok with that money flying to the wind. He then told me I'd have a lot less money very quickly if I knew what he meant. I told him I'd beat him to the punch and NOT to threaten me. He always reminds me of what I "was" before I met him and how bad life would be for me if I didn't have him and his "money" care. Yeah, life would be hard...but I'm thinking it would be for him too if I put in for alimony and child support. URRRRRRGH! And why does he mention this sh** only when he's mad? Why stoop that low when I know he doesn't mean it.
Then, rather than stay on the topic of him not wanting to live life anymore....he goes into how I've been a slacker with the house lately. Nevermind, I've been in excruciating pain, dealing with paralyzing depression over the realization he's probably got Huntington's, AND homeschooling my daughter while chauffering her to many activities, AND running after my 3yr. old son who's like a tornado. Nevermind, the fact I've been cooking food he likes.....it's all about the friggin laundry. It's only been a month that I've struggled w/ the household chores and normally I usually get the stuff done b/t my daughter and I. Since I homeschool, my daughter and I do chores together b/c it makes life a little simpler considering we're pretty busy. He actually threw it in my face that I get my daughter to help...that made me cry. Then he started walking towards our room when I asked him to keep the noise down b/c I didn't want my kids to hear. He told me he didn't care if they hear. That's when Laurel began crying. I told him. He said he didn't care. I begged him to go outside w/ me and he finally did. We still didn't make up. My daughter told me she was mad at him for some of the things he said. I assured her it wasn't just Daddy's fault and Mommy said some things too and that adults are just as capable of saying/doing the wrong things. I told her Daddy and I will be ok and her giving me a hug would make me feel so much better b/c she was concerned about Daddy making me cry. I told her Daddy didn't make me cry and that it's ok for adults to cry too. She hugged me and I told her how beautiful, caring, and smart she is and not to worry about anything. I told her I'm sure Daddy and I will make up soon.
Then I went to Wal-Mart late at night....in excrutiating pain to make sure David had things he needed for the next day food wise (aka Hot Fries--"rolling eyes"). Then I came home, made his lunch for work, and I went to sleep in the living room.
He came home tonight and we didn't say anything to eachother. He kept trying to help me get my son ready for bed and I assured him there was no need for him to help me. God knows I don't want him throwing it up to me later....of course I did not say this....and I wouldn't, but I was thinking it. He tried to act nice the rest of the night but I gave him the cold shoulder to let him know I'm still not ok with what went down lastnight. I gave him a peck kiss and told him, "I still love you even though I'm mad at you." He said, " I love you too" and started giggling about the facemask I had on, but I was out the bedroom door before he could start a conversation w/ me b/c I will not let this go. I will not back down after he belittled me, threatened me, and mocked me. No way in hell.
I have to admit something. Since I quit smoking, I have cried more in a month than I've cried in a couple years. It is so FREEING! Gosh, ya know, my Dad used to tell us to "Dry it up." I became an expert at it. No wonder I had such an addictive personality. I used addictions to stuff my emotions. (shaking my head) I will not stuff my emotions down for any man anymore. I'm done with it. I have a right to be healthy. I have a right to be heard. I have the right to be sane. I have THE right to let someone know when I'm not ok with their actions.

(Ok, I realize this has nothing to do w/ weightloss but right now I need an outlet for my emotions so bear with me. It will get better and back to normal programming, but I'm sure there are those of you who've dealt with the same stuff. So, I just want you all to know you're not alone and this is part of the process....finding ourselves and learning to not be doormats even to the ones we love. When we find ourselves and don't allow ourselves to be stomped down, we will gain more confidence to work towards our goals of getting healthy....well that's what I'm doing anyway. And if this is a part of the process, then so be it. I'm in this for life.)

I'm eating pretty sensibly. I ate a lot of veggies today since I have so many on hand right now. I'm still trying to figure out how to make this calorie counting thing work for me...I'll have it down soon and will be back to my normal food logs.

HELL by Tegan and Sara (These girls are from Canada and have been a part of Lilith Fair. They will also be on tour with Paramore on the Honda tour this summer...I think they're great. Music is such a big part of me and I've been trying to figure out how to incorporate it into my blog and finally figured out how to. So, hopefully some of you will enjoy some music you've never heard before and enjoy hearing how artists say things in music that can really relate to life situations. Sometimes music helps me express exactly what I'm feeling...whether it be a title of a song or the lyrics.)

Hell

Tegan and Sara

MySpace Music Videos

Hot n' Cold

2010-05-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

So, some things about myself that some of you don't know. My dad and I made up years ago and he apologized for the way he hurt me growing up. My mom and dad eventually divorced and my mom is a bit aloof but I still talk to her and once in a while we spend time together. She kinda has her own life. I actually have a pretty close knit family. I have 2 brothers that I'm super close with. One of my brothers serves in the airforce and lives in Germany, but we're always cutting up over Facebook. My other brother Joey stays with me on the weekends a lot w/ his girlfriend Niki who is a Korean student studying abroad here in the US....and we get into some pretty funny stuff. If you look at that link, just scroll to the bottom for the pic. I keep saying I'm going to start Joey and Niki posts b/c really they are both so funny. I haven't even told about how Niki got herself stuck....well I'll save that for another time. ☺

Also, I have a pretty rough past. I grew up in mental and verbal abuse. I did drugs when I was a teen...got pregnant as a teen...was a single mom...then married. I grew up in church, was a believer for many years (still am just way differently), was going to be a missionary when I was 18 and actually went to Guatemala to do mission work for a short time, but got derailed by an ex that came back to town and got pregnant. Starting at the age of 17, I began seeing counselors....I did a lot of work. I went to more counseling after getting married and went to some counselors with my husband. All of them were "christian" counselors. One told me men are more logical than women and one told my husband and I we should just get divorced b/c she couldn't handle our bickering in the session. lol! I had one particular counselor that I loved a lot and she helped me immensely, but over all it was the mentoring by 2 very strong women in my life that helped me a lot. Oh, and I did part of a 12 step program at Overeater's anonymous. And now, I think it's just age and accumulating knowledge that are making me see things differently about life. I have a super healthy self esteem...b/c I rock. Also, I'm a worrier which is why it's easy for me to get paralyzed by emotions, but talking it out on here is what helps me come out of it. I've had a very sucky past 3 or 4 weeks, but like everything else in life this too shall pass and I learn from every experience before me. Oh, I've been weight loss blogging for several months now and have lost 30lbs. so far and I quit smoking a month ago...I've gained just a few pounds from quitting smoking but they are dropping off pretty quickly right now. I've also went from wearing my hair in a bun all the time, wearing hand me downs, and wearing no make-up to fixing myself up almost every single day now. The "turning the corner" thing I was talking about in my other post, is for the first time in my life I feel in control of things and also feel like I'm becoming the person I was always meant to be. Also, I'm turning the corner from my weight loss plan. I started out just eating whole foods and now I'm incorporating a calorie cap. I'm getting that set up right now and will share about it soon. Whew! Ok, so hopefully this will have gotten all of you caught up to where I am now. ;)

Up until these past several weeks, my husband and I have had a pretty healthy marriage for quite sometime, but I feel a rough patch a'brewin. I tried talking with him lastnight using "I feel" messages and taking long pauses to hear him, but all of it didn't work at all. I told him I feel like he stifles me sometimes when I'm doing well with my weight loss efforts. I told him I'll continue to make some of his favorite foods, but when he mentions the "food" stuff it discourages me b/c I thought I was trying so hard to make this thing easy for him too. He just kept telling me " You just don't get it and you're blowing this out of proportion." The thing is i DO get it like the other hundred times he's done this and he was literally yelling at me when he made it known he was getting tired of all the healthy food...so I don't get how I'm blowing it out of proportion. Anyway, I told him I want to be healthy and I want us to go out and enjoy life together. I told him I don't want to spend life sitting in front of a computer or television b/c that's NOT living. He told me he begged to differ and felt like he was living plenty of life in front of the TV b/c he works during the day. He said he can spend time with our kids here at the house and he's totally content with that even if it means never venturing out. He said his parents didn't and he turned out fine. LMAO!! This is coming from a man who might not live past 53 and he's totally ok with wasting his life away here at home. We did not make up b/c he was totally irrational and got heated....he stormed off to bed while I was begging him to talk to me. I told him I want to understand what's going on with him and why he doesn't want to live any life. He once told me he wanted me to lose the weight b/c he wanted to go out and hike and do other things, but he couldn't b/c of me. I remember arguing that I could and it'd actually be really good for me (I was smaller then) and I'd love to do those things too. He told me lastnight that it was a long time ago when he said that and he doesn't care to go anywhere anymore. The thing is he never went anywhere after he said he wanted to the first time. I do not understand him. I did all the mental work to get past bingeing...but that kind of thing takes time...it took time, but I'm good now. It also took me years to find out I have Polycistic Ovary Syndrome that was making it near impossible to get past a certain point in my weight loss and he knows that, but it's like he wants to punish me for all the years I haven't been able to lose the weight. I wasn't there mentally or physically and now I'm workin my ass off to get fit...and it's like it doesn't even matter to him. He says it does, but I'm not seeing it.I talked w/ my mom and she told me to go out w/ the kids regardless to make them damn memories even if he doesn't want to be a part of them. So, that's what I will do and I will continue my "getting healthy" process while he decides if he's going to be hot or cold. B/c I'm tired of trying to figure him out.

I replied back to all of you on a post before this one so go check. Again thank you for all your responses. ☺
HOT N COLD by Katy Perry

So....my kids and I are gonna live our lives. Hopefully he'll join in along the way....hopefully....

Today we went uptown to the organic farmer's market (yes, found out we have one) so my daughter could be with her fellow 4-H'ers at a booth collecting donations for a community service project. Enoch and I shopped around while she was doing that.

Beautiful produce...

Found out our local arts cousel sponsors the farmer's market in uptown.

Today's spoils...radishes, lettuce, heirloom kale, beets, homemade whole wheat sourdough bread, and orange mint...finally got some of those Vitatops too that I see all over blogs.

Thursday we went to homeschool tennis lessons and then went strawberry picking...

Our hands were pink. ☺☺☺

Replies ☺☺☺

2010-05-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

@Chris-- Thanks...from the bottom of my heart. It's nice to hear someone tell me to be myself...b/c that's not something anybody ever says to me. :) Thanks for linking me btw...I dunno what to think of this. Everybody AND their mama came over here to give me support...I'm so gracious and flabbergasted. lmao!

@Annalisa-- I think it's great that you are trying to encourage that little girl. I remember teachers and a few other adults along the way who really made a difference in my life. I can promise, if negativity is all she's used to, she will definitely remember the positive encouragement you gave her. Thanks for the book recommendation and it sounds like we both have our hands full. :)

@Blue--I really like how you are so honest and you've got grit. LOVE it. My husband met me when I was trying to lose the weight and was concerned about me not losing it (He's skinny). We got married and I tried so many diets all the while he was constantly using my weight against me in arguments. I kept telling him he was not helping me and only abusing me when he'd call me names and remind me of my weightloss failures. Eventually he learned, but it took time. We've actually had a great marriage for the past many years and this is probably the beginnings of a rough patch for us. He's changed and I've changed over the years, but I'm making my biggest changes now.....the big changes he's always wanted for me, but now he's fighting against them. The way I see it, is I'm keeping my end of the bargain up finally and he's not being supportive. I fry him food on occasion and go to great links to come up with yummy meals we can all eat, but he is acting like a little boy in big boy trousers....most DEFINITELY. lol Your advice is very wise and if I had've known how many newcomers I was going to have, I probably would have said something about our past but I've been talking to mostly the same people from week to week who've heard my sob story. lol! I look forward to reading your blogs. I spent a little while yesterday looking at them. :)

@Fat Grump--It sounds like you and I are kindred in spirit. ;) The feminist in me has wanted to rebell in many ways here lately. I went over to your blog and loved reading some of your recent posts. I'm glad what I wrote struck a chord with you. I think losing the weight is just a small piece of the bigger picture for us. We are beautiful women just the way we are, but losing the weight will keep us around for longer to aggravate the crap out of people who've given us grief. Isn't this comforting just a little? lol I know it is for me. j/k

@Anonymous--Thank you for your wisdom. I often wonder if he feels like he's losing me too, but you're right....I can't let that keep me from being healthier. :)

@Tami--Hi Tami, I think I leave the impression that I've still got a lot of issues. My dad and I made up long ago. He apologized for all the abuse and I'm pretty close with him now...even though he still acts like a butthead sometimes. lol. I have a pretty close knit family. My mother and I aren't very close, but she went through a lot being married to my dad so I guess she's enjoying freedom for now...can't say I blame her. My husband and I went through a lot of counseling through the first part of our marriage and I received a lot of independent counseling myself. I battled addiction and made it through to the other side so I'm doing pretty good. I am going through "issues" right now b/c I'm having to come to terms that my husband may actually be sick and going through the issue of learning who I am and changing myself for the better. It's hard when one spouse wants to go out and live life when the other is perfectly content with staying home while the world passes by. Sometime in the future I may find myself in a Huntington's support group though...I'm thinking about doing this sometime in the near future. Thanks for your encouragement and thank YOU for the support too. :)

@Seth--Thank you for your input as you are my only male response. lol. I tried talking to him in a loving manner lastnight and found out some stuff that discouraged me more. I'll be blogging about it later. I wish he'd communicate with me better and I really do not know how to change that b/c no matter how I approach him, I'm always in the wrong. I will persevere either way. :) Your advice is always welcome...I do not have many male followers at all. lol

@Seattlerunnergirl--"all you can do is live the choices that are in front of you, and not try to control the outcome, because you can't."--very wise...thank you.

@bbubblyb--Thank you for finding me. You sound like you've been around this block too....thank you for the encouragement. I keep hoping I'll see positive changes in him as I go along. That is all I can do and be who I need to be. No stomping me into the ground. :)

@Joy--Thank you for you uplifting encouragement.

@Jen--same exact thing here...I mean the same. lol

I normally don't get to reply to all comments, but there was so much good advice, emotion, and heartfelt thoughts put into what all of you said, I didn't want pass it by. Thanks again and welcome to my blog...I look forward to following you guys as well. ☺

What the????

2010-05-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, so that was pretty cool. I woke up this morning to like...well...more comments than I've ever had and more followers. I just scratched my head and said, "What the heck?" I kinda got stage fright. lol Then I started reading the comments and it made me smile. Gosh, there is so much wisdom in the blog world. I mean that to every one of you who left comments. I made it over to some of your blogs and I always love it when I find great new blogs. I plan on replying to all of them...hopefully tonight. I may take my daughter to see the new Shrek movie, so it depends on what time I get home. I have lots more to say and to elaborate on b/c there's things I realize now that I left out simply b/c I forget you guys only see what I read and do not know the whole dynamic of my situation. It would probably help too if you know the past 2 weeks have been literal hell for me b/c it's beginning to look like my husband has a genetic disease that's terminal....one that I've been praying he wouldn't have. I blogged heavily about all this just a few posts back. So, a part of that is the reason we've had a hard time lately too. It's that and me changing. I'll tell more later, but I just wanted to at least say thanks to all of you who took the time to come over and read. It won't always be interesting and you should know I'm a very "raw" writer...I do not like to sugarcoat. Some people like it, some people get freaked out. I y'am what I y'am---Popeye the Sailor Man. ☺☺☺

A Change Would Do You Good

2010-05-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

I was reading Chris' post about acceptance. It really made me think. Actually, it really helped me...it helped me focus. Thanks Chris.
Ok, so I'll tell you guys a little bit about my childhood. I know I've told bits about what formed my messed up body image, but I want to be more specific this time and if you'll hang with me...hopefully you'll see what I'm gettting at.
From the time I was around 5, I was a chubby kid. I'm not sure why. I was picky and my grandparents would give me treats when I was with them, but I wasn't with them most of the time. My mom took me on walks and I rode my little bicycle in front of my house...ya know, when it was safe to do that kind of thing.
But, the whole time, my parents would argue about my weight. My dad would say I need to be on a diet and he'd tell my grandparents to not feed me candy. He'd eye my plate at dinner, keep tabs on what I was eating, yet he'd bring junk into the house when he'd want. Eventually, he started making me bring him the scales once a week and it wasn't like a "let's get motivated and healthy and be positive!!" kind of thing usually, it was "Kim, go get the scale now..I'm sure you've been screwing up" kind of look. I'd have to wipe tears and endure a big knot in my throat through the whole thing. I'd tell him I needed to use the bathroom before using the scale and I'd cry just enough to not leave my eyes red, but enough to where I could breathe a little better. This wasn't on every occasion, but I was fearful nonetheless every time. I hated myself...hated what fat was...hated it on me...hated myself inside for being fat on the outside. Years flew by, and I eventually lost a good bit of weight on Jenny Craig. All of the sudden, my parents were buying me cards telling me how proud they were of me and I'll never forget them buying me that Elizabeth Arden Sunflower perfume just b/c I was doing so well. Man oh man, I thought I'd hit the self love jackpot. I was really loving myself (so I thought)back then b/c my parents were looking at me differently....they were accepting me so I accepted myself.......for a short time. Then boys started noticing me...in the dirty way. If I got my heart broken, I'd self destruct. When I felt I was losing control, I began scratching sores on my chest. I hated everything about me for the longest time b/c I never could accept ME in my own skin....meaning physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was still the fat girl inside...not just a fat girl...in my head I was the fat disgusting girl. Somewhere along the way, I ended up marrying a man that was a bit like my dad. I rebelled of course...and gained more weight. I eventually learned I couldn't depend on anybody else to help me know my worth. I decided to love my fat....yep, love my fat. It sounds bad, but when you've been taught to connect your outer image to your inner love, it's hard to say, "Well, I love myself but I don't like my body right now or yeah one day this is going to kill me." B/c even saying those things would send me back into a depression b/c I'd feel like I'd failed my loved ones again. I think many of us who've been really fat for any huge period of time, feel pressure from trying to do it for our loved ones or doing it for ourselves and we give up. For me, it was necessary to look at my big body in the mirror and make a choice to love every bit of me for where I was at the time...b/c even if I knew I was going to die early, leave my kids w/o a mom, leave a husband single, I just needed all the consequences to be gone so I could dig myself out of the hole people had been stomping me down in all my life. I needed to be selfish for just a small while. I think some of those people who are into the whole "fat acceptance" movement maybe got there the same way I did and maybe didn't move past that. Sure, some people are just in denial, but when you've been denied your God freakin given right to love yourself WHOLLY all your life, then you end up having to take great strides...sometimes insane strides to just have some kind of view that allows you to love yourself....even if it's one that can kill you. I stayed at that place for a little while so I could learn to be accepting of my flabby stomach, my hundreds of stretchmarks, and my double chins while also learning about the good character traits I have. Once I learned how to love myself in this moment, I could finally acknowledge the realization that my weight would cause lots of harm to the ones I love the most along with myself...whom I also love. So, now here's my problem. While I've finally turned a corner in my life, I'm coming to the realization I feel stuck in a way.
B/c of the way I grew up, constantly having someone make every decision for me and criticizing my image...I guess I allowed that life to follow me into my marriage. While my husband doesn't talk negatively anymore about my image (well, once in a while he does), I know he still wants me to lose weight. However, every time I've began to lose weight, he always brings me down. This time around I told him I'd try to change up the food situation so he didn't feel like he was dieting the whole time too. Of course, he got mad about it anyway and since last week, I've been angry. I've been angry b/c we haven't been getting along super well, he's been super distant, and this is a reoccuring problem we have when I'm trying to do something good for myself. I'm starting to believe that what he says and what he actually wants are two very different things....and I don't even think he realizes it. I think even though he denies it, that he is scared of me changing b/c maybe I won't depend on him so much and maybe I'll expect more from him for a change. He won't feel like that knight in shining armor who saved me from my screwy life anymore. Then, here lately, I find myself trying to fall into old patterns...almost like I'm trying to appease him in someway. So, now I'm confused. He says he wants me healthy, but every time I try...he fights against me in some way. He totally denies that he's scared of what things will be like once I'm in shape. Yet, he seems so threatened by my confidence here lately and he's nitpicking about every little thing....something I used to do that he hated. It's just all so strange and I'm ready to turn MY corner that I've reached. So, is he telling the truth ya think or do you think he's in denial? I think all of this may come from disliking change...he hates change. Either way, all of this is a wake up call to me...realizing I've been a little stuck b/c of this issue. I'm GOING to get healthy....no matter what. I'm just afraid of how it will affect the future of my marriage sometimes. Sounds stupid probably, but I really do think this will be an ongoing issue and I'm not sure how to nip it in the bud w/o causing some resentment on both our parts. I certainly do not want to fall into old patterns again b/c I feel like giving up all b/c he gets mad about eating healthier. At the same time I want him to be excited about my changes. I also would love it if we could enjoy the positive benefits from all this and stop living a life set up for a fat person...I want us to l-i-v-e. Any suggestions? Sorry this is so long. Whew I needed that! lol

So, thanks Chris for getting my hamster wheel turning...lol.

A Good Day

2010-05-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, it may take me a couple days to get this blueprint thing done. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I haven't had ample time to get down to the nitty gritty. I'm still eating ok, but can't wait to get my new plan up and running. I spent time with my family today. It was David's last day off work for the week, so I asked him if we could go out. Surprisingly he said yes even though he just got the new Prince of Persia game. Anyway, we went to Spartanburg to hang out.

We went to the big mall there...and guess what they found as soon as we got there? Need help? An arcade! lol

We did end up walking around the mall a lot, so that was fun. I went to the Yankee Candle store and restrained myself. I love, LOVE candles. Then we went to Barnes and Noble....

I did not restrain myself at Barnes and Noble. I've been waiting for the new Sookie Stackhouse book forevah! It was finally there and I bought a journal as well to keep track of food stuff and exercise stuff. It's actually a neat little thing. I'll talk about it more in my next post. I was a bit excited about my new book. lol

We came home after eating lunch at a Japanese restaraunt (no MSG btw..I was so happy). I had hibachi beef and 3 pieces of a California roll. Breakfast was my usual Kashi cereal w/walnuts and almond milk.

Dinner wasn't a big to do since David had some leftovers from "his" dinner I cooked the night before (cubed steak w/ gravy). I made my kids almond butter sandwiches on whole wheat, carrot sticks & broccoli w/dressing, sunflower seeds, and grapes for their dinner. So, I took the opportunity to cook for myself.

These are the first of my mustard greens from my spring garden. Totally natural...no pesticides...just dirt rinsed off...and maybe a few aphids. I sauteed them in a tsp. of EVOO, a little minced garlic, and fresh ground sea salt...yummy.

Then I boiled some lima beans w/ a pinch of sea salt and onion powder. I chopped up a baby summer squash with a small piece of onion and sauteed it in 1/2tsp. butter w/ minced garlic and a pinch of sea salt. We had some stone ground cornbread leftover from the night before that my daughter baked, so I warmed a wedge of it w/ some sharp cheddar on it. I added a few grape tomatoes on the side of my plate and voila...dinner was done...southern style. Although the tomatoes should be sliced tomatoes and usually there's meat traditionally, but if you guys haven't figured it out yet I'm not a huge meat person. I crave steak like every once in a bue moon. I wish I had better pics of this meal but the lighting in my house is horrible....stupid long life bulbs that don't give off much light. lol Heh, I guess that's why they have a long life aye? I wish I could make meals like this all the time. The only things my husband would eat on that plate would be mustard greens and cornbread though...he wouldn't eat the beans and the squash would need to be fried. Forget the grape tomatoes. lol Oh well...it was nice having my kitchen all to myself tonight and I had a great day w/ my family. Hope you all had great days too. ☺☺☺

Wow Guys! Thanks!

2010-05-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am taking tonight off so I can look at all these websites and figure out which one I want to use. Thanks for all the suggestions guys! I wasn't expecting so much response...that's what I need. Oh, and now I want a Bodybugg btw. lol Oh, I'm still a non smoker...just in case you're wondering. :) It's really strange how Chantix works. Before when I'd quit I still liked the smell of smoke and I could smell it on my husband but not terribly. I can smell it through his pores even when he's freshly showered....whoa. This Chantix stuff is no joke people. It heightens the stench of cigarettes...it's very strange. Even my friends never knew I smoked...I know this for sure b/c the ones I told were very surprised that I didn't smell like it. Well, if those friends took Chantix I'll bet they could smell a smoker from a mile away...perfumed, down wind smoker or not. Oh, btw, I'm still in a huge amount of pain. I'm beginning to think it's something other than my TMJ. I went to the dentist today and he couldn't see anything so he's sending me to the root canal guy. ugh. Anyway, I think I'm going to spend the next couple of days getting my blueprint laid out for the next leg of this journey. I really feel like that's what this is. Something has changed. I'm not on the appetite supressants and I'm not smoking. I'm dressing up, fixing my hair, wearing makeup, doing my nails, (haven't fixed myself up consistantly like this since I gave birth to my daughter back in 2000) giving my opinions, showing my feelings for once in my life w/o being so concerned with the consequences. The strange thing is, I think I've gained a few pounds back, but I'm not concerned b/c I feel like I'm in control. I've not once felt out of control.....this is a strange feeling to me. It's like, I know I quit smoking and a few pounds could be expected....and I'm not beating myself up for it. I gave myself permission and now I'm reigning myself in and it's all out of sheer L-O-V-E for myself and not fear. Wow. So, I think I've reached....some mark...I'm not sure what it is, but I'm coming into my own, realizing who I am and feeling great about it in spite of the bad stuff. This is huge for me. I am in control of myself...never thought I could say it much less believe it. Pretty cool. Now, I need to get my ass back in gear and lose some more weight and get to exercising. Now I just need the extra push and a pinch of motivation since I'm in so much pain. ugh.☺☺☺

Gosh I was gonna write a post...

2010-05-17T23:51:00.000-07:00

But once again my TMJ is flaring up like a mofo...I am back on track with my eating and am writing out a plan. Chris, could you tell me what site you use again for calorie counting? Any other recommendations people? Thanks. See ya tomorrow!

Therapy Kim Style

2010-05-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

So, last night I decided I needed a night out since I've kinda been an emotional wreck lately. I miss the calm, cool, healthy Kim. I'm ready to get back to losing weight and ready to get back to not worrying so much about things. Usually when I go off by myself, I usually end up parked in the movie theater parking lot reading a book. We only have one theater in town so it's usually pretty packed, therefore I feel safe reading in the parking lot. Well, there's been other things I've felt like doing and just haven't got around to it. There's been pictures I've wanted to take and honeysuckle that needed sniffing....so I went wandering rather than just reading. Here's my prescription for "Hadacrazycoupleweeksneedmyheadscrewedbackon" syndrome:

First, dress up cute...makeup, hair, and favorite piece of jewelry you haven't worn in forever.

Next, finally stop at that old homestead you've always wanted to take a picture of, but just passed by for 8 years. Seriously, I've passed by this homestead for 8 years and never stopped to admire it. I love old things and wish I knew how to paint or take good pictures b/c this is what I'd do....paint and photo every old ran down homestead I see. I wonder who lived there and how old it is? I wouldn't want to find out...I love just imagining it. ☺ The lower pic shows another building away from the homestead. It's hard to make out exactly what it was supposed to be. There was a ton of honeysuckle and kudzu here. I just took deep, deep breaths...taking in all of the sweetness of nature and all the rot too. I would have explored more but didn't want to run into any snakes. Eek!

Next, I went up a little ways on the same road and parked off the side of the road again. I wish I could have gotten there just a few moments sooner and I could have taken a picture of the sun before it set under the horizon. I love this tree, the fence, and the big hill. It's a big field. This picture does it no justice, but it's a beautiful little scene with a beautiful tree.

No, nobody died...I swear. This cemetary is just a minute from my home and I've never driven through it. I love exploring old cemetaries...especially around my area, b/c there are many graves from the revolutionary war and civil war. The headstones in this picture are set in the older part of the cemetary. Most of these people were born in the mid 1800's. It looks like many of them have had their stones replaced with newer ones. There are still some old ones. Most of the men were in their 50's when they died. I saw a couple of young girls in early twenties...died giving birth perhaps? I dunno. All the names on these headstones are street names through out the next couple of towns. I also know of many descendents of the people buried here. It's very interesting stuff.

I came to the end of the cemetary and noticed something I hadn't before. There's a memorial garden....and this is it. Look in the dead middle of the picture and you'll see a little sign. That's pretty much all that lets anyone know it's supposed to be a garden. I think maybe I'll go one day and plant some flowers there.

Then I went to the nice little Italian place in town. Look at the etchings in the mirror. It's of a man and woman dancing....beautiful.

Here's some artwork on the wall next to me. I wish I could've fit the whole picture, but I wanted to make sure and get the artist's name in the pic. The artwork really did give a Venician feel. This restaurant has chandaleers everywhere. This is the one over my table. I wish I could've taken a pic of the huge one, but I didn't want the restaurant owner to think I'm weird. He seems like an angry fella...maybe an Italian thing. lol I eventually asked him if he makes Italian cream cake...b/c that just happens to be one of my specialities (family recipe). He said, "Yes! I-uh make-uh one for you-uh!) I wanted to giggle b/c I love his italian accent. It sounded just like the funny italian guys in movies. lol I had my Mp3 player on the whole time I was at the restaurant and I'm not one of those people who's very discreet about it either. David bought me those ear buds that fit around the outside of your ear and you don't see many people around here with them b/c they're expensive, so I think people try to figure out what the heck is on my ears. lol I also bob my head and usually mouth the words to songs...music is a huge part of my life. I can't imagine a day without music. I should mention my Mp3 burned out on me lastnight...I'm very sad about it. I think I worked it too hard. lol. David said he'd buy me another one. :)

I had dessert...and I do not regret it at all. It was German chocolate cake. This piece was huge...couldn't eat it all, but it was delicious. I think they inject most of their cakes with liqueur or something...very yummo. On the way to the theater, I cranked up my music, rolled down the windows and breathed in the fresh, crisp, night air. What music did I crank up you ask? Listen to it at the 57 sec. mark...that's my favorite part and when I rolled down my windows. Shostakovich is one of my most favorite composers...I love the history behind his music.

Ok, I'm not a complete dork...I may have rolled the windows down when I cranked up some Fiona Apple...

Don't ya just love singing to the top of your lungs while driving?? It's one of my favorite things to do. Of course...my daughter has now invested in her own Mp3 player so she doesn't have to hear me in the car. lol

I went to see Robin Hood and it was ok. If I had've known they were using this movie to set up the story of Robin Hood, I think I would have liked it better. It just wasn't what I expected of a Robin Hood movie...and I guess I love the Kevin Costner version a little much. Some of the scenes were really drawn out. There was a very notable scene however. The part where Robin courts Marian and they begin dancing to Women of Ireland.....Oh! It was beautiful. I loved the music and the romantic tension b/t them. Nicely done. Here's the song if you'd like to listen....it's beautiful music...beautiful. If you listen, try to listen all the way through b/c there's different dynamics in the song...and different instruments.

I didn't get out of the theater until almost 1am. Then I went to Wal-Mart to do a little grocery shopping...b/c the night wouldn't be complete without me having to complete some responsibility. lol

It was fine though...I stopped to smell the roses...my favorite flower.

While I was there I bought a new sleeveless, cotton nightgown. This was a real treat for me since I never buy myself night clothes. I usually sleep in ugly t-shirts. Here lately I've been wearing makeup almost everyday and fixing my hair. I've been painting my nails too. It feels nice to actually give a damn about myself. Up until a couple months ago, I always wore my hair in a bun, always wore my glasses, no make up, and hand-me-down clothes from girlfriends...ugh.

Here's the gown:

Then I bought hair dye too.....

Not sure if you can tell it in this pic b/c of poor lighting, but I'm a flaming red head now. ☺☺☺ Then I put a few curls in my hair today. My husband always tells me "You look nice". When he came home today he shocked me with "You look very pretty." Friggin wow! He hates the words "pretty" and "beautiful", so I thought that was pretty nice of him. ☺

Anyway.....therapy's over...school is back in session. Bwuhahaha. (ehh...I don't think I'm a "bwuhahaha" type person...was just trying it on.) Laters Gators.

Huntington's Disease

2010-05-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

I know a few of you have been wondering what Huntington's Disease is and why I'd be freaking out so badly about it. Well, it is a slow disease and it will kill my husband by the time he's in his early 50's if he has it. He's turning 38 next month. Usually the disease hits 6-10 years before death in his family --they die usually around the age of 53. So, you do the math at how much longer I'll have him before he starts getting really sick. These are the symptoms of the disease:

Behavior changes may occur before movement problems, and can include:

•Antisocial behaviors

•Hallucinations

•Irritability

•Moodiness

•Restlessness or fidgeting

•Paranoia

•Psychosis

Abnormal and unusual movements include:

•Head turning to shift eye position

•Facial movements, including grimaces

•Slow, uncontrolled movements

•Quick, sudden, sometimes wild jerking movements of the arms, legs, face, and other body parts

•Unsteady gait

Dementia that slowly gets worse, including:

•Loss of memory

•Loss of judgment

•Speech changes

•Personality changes

•Disorientation or confusion

Additional symptoms that may be associated with this disease:

•Anxiety, stress, and tension

•Difficulty swallowing

•Speech impairment

I found this video. Please watch it if you have a moment b/c it explains the true reality of Huntington's so well.

So, basically it's overall deterioration at a very slow pace. My husband's mother died of a stroke due to Huntington's and my brother-in-law died from choking on food due to Huntington's...it's very common for them to choke to death or commit suicide. So, now ya know why I've been so down in the dumps. I'm feeling a lot better though b/c I did something. I talked to my sister in law. I was afraid to, but I made her promise she wouldn't tell David I came to her...b/c I know he'd get upset. She told me she's glad I came to her and if I ever needed to talk about it, that she was only a phone call away. She's also on the mailing list to the Huntington's Society so she's going to give me a lot of reading material. She also told me I was right in making my husband eat better and told me to start making him take some Omega 3's. I had read that all of this can keep Huntington's from showing earlier but David told me it's quack science. My sister in law told me it's not and to start making him do these things. So, it was nice to be validated and nice that I could talk to her without feeling so sad. She's been through 4 Huntington's deaths in her family so she knows the reality of things, but has learned how to deal with it in a healthy way. She was only 11 when her mother died and she is such a trooper. I'm glad I spoke with her...it helped so much. If David has it, we still do have a long road ahead of us, but at least I know I won't be alone.

Ya know, I figured something out...

2010-05-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

Since my post from earlier today, I had my long talk with David. And, I think I've figured something out. Well, ok, let me back up. After saying I don't like to put my problems off on "non-listeners" and preferring not to burden other people b/c of their stuff they've got going on....I decided to experiment. I had to go to a friend's house today for my daughter to receive some sewing instruction. Well, while my daughter and my friend's daughter were in a few rooms over working, my friend and I sat at her table eating fruit (They're vegetarian farmers...they've always got super healthy snacks...lol). I told her the situation with my father's house and she actually asked me some questions about the situation...so, I thought...."Hmm...very interesting...she's listening and giving me feedback." Well, me being sleepy, sad, pitiful and all...before I knew it, I was talking to her about the Huntington's. She was shocked...as I figured she would be...since so few people know little about my personal life. Like I said before, I'm usually the listener or the "interested" questioner....not the unloader. She had questions and she's pretty smart so she asked the question that a lot of people don't think to ask. That is, " So, if David has it and it's genetic....that means Enoch could have it too right??". I told her if David has it, that ups my son's chance of having it by 50%. She got a little quiet after that. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I've decided, I like my privacy....and I don't like sharing things with people that I have to see often. I know that'll be the first thing she thinks about the next time she sees me now. I can't take that. So, I will be totally content to talk about "my stuff" with people who I don't have to see everyday and people I never see. It's just easier....easier than talking to my husband actually.
Yeah, talked to David tonight. He's been pissy at me all day long as he's been for a little while now...well we've both been. I tried really hard today though and I pointed that out. I told him I just wish he'd tell me what he's mad about. He told me, "Nothing." I swear he's like a chic sometimes...it's so annoying. I told him once more, " David, I'm not dumb, you're aggravated with me at every turn today...what is up with you??" He says, "Fine, ya want me to be honest huh? You've neglected things around the house here lately and that homeschool group has been sucking the life out of you." By this time, I'm wanting to laugh b/c I've been over the homeschool group thing for many days now. lol. He eaves dropped on a conversation I was having with a friend today about a situation involving someone from "the group", b/c he can never ASK me what's going on in my life, but if I tell him what's going on in my life....he says I tell him too much and he wishes I wouldn't tell him about my life. So, I tell him bits and pieces, but I keep huge chunks to myself b/c I know he doesn't want to know about it. I simply look at it as another marriage compromise to keep the peace. Then I proceeded to tell him, " I take responsibility for slacking off here lately, but I'll tell you what's been eating me." I started talking to him about Huntington's and his response is "Well duh Kim. I've been trying to tell you all these years I think I have it." I wanted to slap him for acting so arrogant. I told him up until now he hasn't exhibited symptoms and he told me I don't know the half of it, but ya don't see HIM worrying about it....is what he said. I was crying, and I asked "How could I not worry about this?? How do I not grieve over this when it's finally becoming a real possibility that I'll lose you?? How do I not worry when I have no clue how I'll take care of me and the kids? How do I not worry when I could lose my heart?" He stayed so straight faced like nothing phased him. At that point, I was crying a lot and began apologizing for the way I feel. How retarded am I? I do this a lot.....apologize for my feelings to people...apologize for the way I am. It's a HUGE flaw that I intend on fixing very soon by the way. He eventually tried to reassure me we still don't know 100% positive that he has Huntington's. I took it...b/c I didn't want to talk anymore about it. Then we revisited him not wanting to know what's going on in my life. I said, " David your best friend complains all the time about his work issues to you and you listen. Why is it you can listen to him but not me?" He said, " Well, he just needs to vent." I just looked straight at him wide eyed....and he says, " OH, ok...point taken." Jeezus. I told him it feels like he just doesn't like me and he said he'd try harder to be a better listener. I told him I'd get the friggin laundry done. Then....at the moment I was feeling just positively exasperated....he says, "Thanks for the nice conversation and thanks for not getting a tone with me." I dumbfoundedly said, " Uh, yeah thank you too." He smiled, and left the room. I started crying again b/c I really get tired of trying to figure out my husband who acts like he's 15yrs. old emotionally. I haven't cried this much in years....years I tell you. God I want a cigarette...I hate crying. Don't worry....I won't do it. (sigh) I foresee another long night. I am taking myself out tomorrow....with nobody else except me, myself, and I. Gonna go see Robin Hood, maybe sit in my car reading....or something else highly therapeutic...maybe a nature walk at the Greenway.

Keepin on

2010-05-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

I probably should have mentioned it in the last post, but b/c it's becoming more natural to me now, I don't even think of it much....but, I'm sitll a non smoker just in case you guys are wondering. I'm seriously going to have to find more ways to destress though....b/c that's not been in the "non smokers" handbook yet. Urrgh. Anyway, I'm just sleepy.....very sleepy...did I mention this already? lol Yes, I'm sad, but I talk more about it on here than in real life. If you guys were to meet me in real life, you'd see that I'm a very positive person and I laugh....a lot....and I laugh really loud...annoyingly loud probably...I dunno. I have to be strong for my loved ones, that's my job. My dad, mom, brothers, my in-laws, my kids, and most of my friends do not even have the slightest clue what I'm going through mentally right now. I just can't burden anyone. I've spoken with one close girlfriend about it and one sweet friend from highschool over facebook....and then you guys. That's it. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing, but honestly in the real world I do not know anybody who has the mental capacity to hear my problems right now b/c they've got their own stuff. I'm usually the listener...so when I do find someone to listen, it is a huge release for me b/c I'm not used to having that...someone who asks me questions about my life or even has an interest in my life. I'm not complaining, b/c the ability to be a listener is a very special gift....it's not something every person has especially in this day and age. I find there are many more listeners here in blogosphere. I'm sorry I've only been by a couple blogs lately, but I'm sure you guys understand. I just can't leave comments when I'm not feeling positive right now and you guys deserve a lot better than a generic "Way to go!!". Ya know what I mean? Anyway, thanks guys for your support and listening....and for your sweet heartfelt comments. Also, thanks to all my new followers for joining. My number keeps going up and I'm not even trying...wow...so it means a lot to me that you guys actually like reading my rants and eccentricities. lol Thank you and I swear this will turn back into a weight loss blog again/ PCOS info site soon.☺☺☺

Have been on a Blogcation

2010-05-14T00:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I think it's obvious from my last post I had a lot on my mind. At the point of hardly having any sleep, the mind can't stay focused I'm learning. I have so much stress right now. When David and I used to talk about the possibility of him having Huntington's, it felt different. It felt like we were talking about it like you would do a drill in school for hurricanes. It's something we didn't have to worry much about, but you still did the drill anyway....just in case. Now that I'm beginning to see symptoms and the fact that he's withdrawing more, it's made life a bit lonesome here lately without my best friend. Fortunately, I've had friends to talk to over Facebook and the phone. It's helped distract me and it's even helped me to reconnect with people I used to love talking to and it's helping to enrich my life with activities. I've gotten to know one friend better and she and I will go to lunch soon so we can meet eachother in person for the first time ☺. So, there's been a few positives from all this. David is off work now and I plan on talking to him. I've been extra loving here lately and he's responding well, but still a bit aloof. So, I'll have to wait for the right opportunity to talk with him.
On the flipside of this, I've got other things going on that are less than wonderful. My dad is losing his house. I just found out from my brother the other day. My brother lives with him and the house is a money pit that my dad cannot dig himself out of. My brother has been approved for a house and wants my dad to come stay with him. My dad is pitching a fit over this and told my brother he'd never talk to him again if he moved out of the house and that he should stay to help my dad save the house. The house is 1000 dollars a month w/ 120,000 left to go with leins and fines against it. It's not worth saving. Well, I didn't know my brother talked with my dad and got a call from my dad this morning. He was fishing for information and I didn't know what I could tell him. I ended up getting into an argument with him b/c he said he wouldn't let my brother have any of the furniture basically b/c he wanted to manipulate him into staying w/ my dad. I told him that is just silliness and he shouldn't try to manipulate. My dad all but hung up on me. He told my brother he didn't want to speak to me for a long while. My brother has paid 15,000 alone this year for my dad's bills. I've supported my dad in many ways too and this is what we get. My dad had gotten so much better with his pride issues but here lately I see him becoming the man I used to hate. It breaks my heart. My mom hardly has anything to do with me and now my dad is starting to go away too. It's hard being parentless in this sense especially b/c I know they are "there" but they're not "there". Know what I mean?
So, I've been taking a little blog vacation. I will get back to normal programming most likely tomorrow. I think I'll sleep better now that David is back in our bed and I think I'll sleep even better once some of this drama dwindles down. My TMJ has been absolutely horrible and I think I may need a root canal from a recent filling I had done. I've barely been able to function these past several days and need rest...good rest and time to myself so I can get back to my normal, sane, healthier self.
I've enjoyed time with my kids here lately. They keep me going in the biggest way. I love them to no end and they truly do complete me in ways I can't describe. So, when I'm not dealing with the pain, the worry, and the sadness here lately.....I've spent wonderful days with my children. Some of the best therapy I've had is my little son lying in my arms kissing my cheeks and playing in my hair. He thinks my hair is a hiding place and he surrounds his head with my hair and lays on my chest. How could that not be such good therapy? :) So, even through the hurt....there have been good days.

Do You Sleep?

2010-05-12T02:06:00.000-07:00

Gah, well, I don't sleep much at all lately. It's 4am...I'm still up and that's how it's been a lot lately. Too much going on emotionally...can't seem to get my brain to believe me when I say it's beddy by time. So, in honor of my insomnia....and I just may be a BIT dilerious at this point....I'm gonna share some of my very mediocre (well..maybe a little less than mediocre) karaoke w/ you guys. Don't you feel like you've won something?? lmao I just can't help myself...how appropriate is the title of this song?? lol I know I've been such a bummer here lately, so I thought I'd give you something to make ya laugh. :) Although, thinking about this now...it might send you running to the hills...hmm..probably overthinking it. lol Hey, I think I heard a little while back that not having enough sleep is almost equivalent to being drunk....hmm. I don't even remember having fun...and, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna regret all of this tomorrow. Wow, yep...sounds about right. Ba dum chhh! Wondering if randomly placing "Ba dum chhh!" through out this post will make anything a little funnier...ya know...the drum sound you hear after a funny joke? I made those damned brownies....with flaxseed meal to try to make up for some of the guilt I'll feel tomorrow. Well, they turned out like bricks...so I don't have to feel to guilty. Karma is a mofo and her name is Hodgson Mill Ground Flaxseed....a few bites of those brownies had my TMJ flaring up so bad! Ba dum chhh! Anyway, I did ok for most of the day, but then night comes....and David's on third. Left all by my lonesome to think. I'm super busy throughout the day, so at night is when I start thinking. Then I try to distract myself with conversations with my friends on Facebook (thank GOD I'm not the only homeschooling night owl)....and then old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Netflix. Then, I start thinking again...when really I just should have blogged all this crap when I first began the "thinking". (sigh) I'll be glad when David is off work. I really want to talk to him...a little scared though b/c I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to talk about Huntington's, but it's all I can think about lately. I just need him to tell me not to worry and that I'm ridiculous b/c I'm thinking about all of this several years too soon and that his arm was NOT swaying and that he in fact really was shivering when it was 80 degrees b/c he's a skinny man w/o much fat to keep him warm and he will stay around to grow old with me and that it's absolutely proposterous to think about having that 3rd baby after he's gone b/c he'll still be alive spending his retirement with me in some slummy RV traveling America wearing really big sunglasses with retarded looking Hawaiian shirts (he'd never wear one btw...total cliche' imagery going on in this weird brain of mine). This is totally unreasonable....I know...he's the one potentially dieing and I'm the one wanting comfort and thinking about stupid stuff. Ba dum chhh! No...not funny....at all. (sigh)☻It's strange...I keep feeling this urge of self preservation....me pushing away from him and then I get a stupid cartoon picture in my head of me putting my heart in a jar and placing it on a shelf in an old timey pantry. Then, I realize how much that picture doesn't even come close to the person I truly am...and doesn't come close to the love I have for him. Then I go kiss him and hug him until he's annoyed. Today was different...he pulled me close when I least expected it....wondering what he was thinking about at that moment. Anyhoo...

**Get ready for really fast subject change** Whoosh!

If you find my karaoke funny or want to hear some really, really, bad stuff...let me know...b/c I can share much more. How about my rendition of "Head Over Heels" by the Go-Go's or some Californication by the Chili Peppers? I'm up for suggestions...if it makes ya laugh. I'm digging a bigger hole for myself aren't I? Oh well. (shrug)

The way it's supposed to sound.....

Ok, so if you made it through the karaoke, and my really bad self inflicted pity party, don't feel like you've lost anything b/c I'm gonna share my NSV with ya...

Remember when I bought this?

Well, I finally decided to wear it today....I think it's cute. It'll fit even better after I lose a few more pounds. ☺☺☺

Yes, I took a picture at Wal-Mart b/c...what did I tell ya guys? I quit smokin and now I'm getting addicted to taking random, stupid pics of myself....and b/c Wal-Mart has better full length mirrors. (cheesy grin) I think the shirt fits a little better in this pic than the first one. What do ya think?hmmm.

You can't really see them in any of the pics, but I found these pink earrings that are Angel wings....I love them b/c it reminds me of where I'm trying to fly to next on this journey. To new beginnings....and better tomorrows. Laters Gators.

I Suck at Coming Up With Good Titles...&Food Log May 10th

2010-05-11T00:59:00.000-07:00

I talked about the huge argument that David and I had on my last big post, I'm Here. I only told the gist of it, but there was more we talked about. The Huntington's issue was mentioned by me.
   After all the years....the bad beginning years we had together when he'd always use my weight as a punch below the belt, me knowing that he would really like to see me skinnier and healthier, you'd think that the guy would shut his mouth when I'm trying to get healthy. It never fails....he always brings up the food issue. Now, when I say this...I'm not just tooting my own horn, but I am a damn good cook. You can ask almost anybody who has eaten at my house and they'll say, "Yeah, Kim's a crazy good cook." As a matter of fact, my husband likes my cooking well enough to share extra portions of his food with the guys at work. He just revealed this recently. I come from a LONG line of good cooks. My grandmother, who I learned from, used to own her own restaurant. Yet, he complains about getting "sauteed" veggies...or baked food. When I saute my veggies...it's not like I don't put good ingredients in. I recently sauteed some summer squash w/ onion w/ garlic, thyme, a little butter, sea salt, and pepper. So, it's not like I'm cooking veggies w/o anything on them, but b/c he was raised the way a proper southern boy was raised on fried veggies, gravy, red meat, and potatoes....my food doesn't make the grade in this way. Then, with the whole issue of him not wanting me to blow the extra money we have now b/c I quit smoking on Zumba/Yoga classes, I became angry with him. It takes pushing my buttons...just right to make me angry. He pushed that button really hard. I told him how irrational it was to not let me use that money on exercise and saving it away for vacations. I told him it made no sense b/c if I wanted to smoke again, that money would go away anyhow....and he wouldn't care. He finally agreed w/ me on that one.
   All of this together got me thinking. Why the hell does he bring up the most asenine issues when I'm trying to lose weight? Well, I confronted him on it. I asked him why he always pulls this when I start feeling good. I asked him if he's scared of me getting better....he claims no, but I dunno. I told him I saw his arm shaking the day we were putting out the garden. I asked him if he was really shivering and he said he couldn't remember. His demeanor changed when we approached this topic...he became a little more hard. I didn't allow this to sidetrack me though. I told him this--" David, if you are sick...and I'm going to be the one to take care of you...I'm going to have to be a little mroe selfish and way more confident. You are going to have back off me about silly things like food and spending a little on exercise. I want to make memories with you b/c I don't know how long I have with you (and of course I was crying) and all we do is stay home when you're off. How is this a life?? I want to do fun things and enriching things with our children together...not just when I take them on fieldtrips. So, if that means saving back money that I would've "smoked" away, I don't see any problem with that." He told me to keep doing the menu as usual and sorry for the other stuff. I apologized too...not really sure why....but sometimes it's just the polite thing to do in a marriage I guess.
   He won't open up to me. I want him so badly to just talk to me about whatever issues he's having. This is how it's been my whole marriage. I am a fixer and a talker, but it is like pulling teeth to get him to communicate. It makes things very difficult. I'm kind of sad right now thinking about the uncertain future. I've been giving him extra hugs, kisses on the back of his neck....breathing him in b/c I don't want to take for granted the time we have together. The crazy thing is (and I told him this in our argument), my husband and I are complete opposites. We weren't total opposites when we met, but have become more opposite over a period of time. I asked him, "How do we keep making this work?". He told me, "How we've always done....we just do." I asked him, "Why do we try so friggin hard?" He said, "Because we love eachother." So...the million dollar question of the day is....do you think it's possible for total opposite people to make things work in a marriage? It is super puzzling to me how we make it work, when he and I have such little in common anymore...but, somehow we just do. I will say this...we rock at parenting together. He always has my back and I always have his.
   Ok, as you can see....my mental plumming is pretty well clogged right now, so you're probably going to see more posts like this here and there for a little while. Just bear with me...the mental work HAS to be done. Just when I'm enjoying my drama free, baggage free life, I somehow attract more. Why is this? Jeez.

Anyway, my eating sucked over the weekend...massive failure. I wanted comfort food and I had it. I'm afraid to weigh, but will probably do it in the morning anyway. I don't think taking it easy on myself right now is helping me. I'm doing good with the no smoking thing and I'm ready to lose more weight...I need something to happen right now. So, I'm getting back on track...as of tomorrow b/c I sucked at eating again today.

Here it is people....and it is ugly...urgh:

Breakfast: leftover hashbrowns w/ swiss cheese, salsa, and 2 small pieces of turkey sausage, 1c. Naked green juice, 1 small banana

Lunch: Whole wheat sandwich w/ turkey breast and 1 slice cheese, pear, green tea

Dinner: Small piece of steak, baked french fries, salad w/ 2tbsp. Newman's Own dressing, mixed veggies (bicolored greenbeans, babycarrots)

Then the junk fest....a couple of leftover homemade waffles from the weekend w/ berries and whipped cream and about 1c. cereal w/ whole milk. I wanted brownies, but didn't have eggs to make them....yep, I was gonna make them. So, I'm going to write down my intentions, get organized, and get back on the saddle b/c I do NOT want to gain back any weight....if I haven't already. (rolling eyes) I will NOT let any of this keep me from accomplishing my task at hand and the desires I have for myself and my family's future.

On a lighter note, you'll be happy to know one of the old presidents from my old homeschool group made a new support group. I am super excited about it and so is everyone that's a part of it. We've all been chatting over our new loop and I'm even trying to organize an end of year celebration for us all. Oh, by the way, our new group is totally inclusive...I am so proud of this. :) Have a great day guys and a fabulous week. ((hugs))

Would do a post, but...

2010-05-10T00:04:00.000-07:00

My TMJ is KILLING me! I haven't even been stressed out today...time to break out the painkillers and mouth appliance. Hope you all had a great Mother's day either with your kids or your mothers. I know I enjoyed my babies and was reminded as usual of how much I love having them in my life....such a feeling of gratitude every day of my life. See you guys tomorrow...will be dropping by. ☺☺☺

I'm here ☺

2010-05-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, I'm still here. I just haven't felt like food logging although I've been doing pretty well. I took dinner lastnight and dinner tonight to splurge a little. I'm keeping it reasonable though. I'm still maintaining...have been weighing every other day or so.
Had huge argument w/ David today....huge one. We've been working up to it, but the fuse finally blew today....as it ALWAYS does on Mother's Day weekend without fail. Mother's Day is my most unfavorite holiday of the year. I'll let you guys in on the secret.
Let's see....it involved me wanting to do Zumba/Yoga ($40 per month) and David telling me just b/c I quit smoking (which was 100 dollars a month for a pack a day habit roundabout) doesn't mean I can "spend" that money. I told him I didn't see the logic in that b/c if I wanted to smoke again, he'd have no problem with me "blowing" that money (pun intended). I told him I wanted to save part of that back for vacations and fun physical activities for our family to enrich our lives...and that using the money for smoking does not even compare to blowing money on fun activities like trips. Then he got mad about me not cooking enough red meat...or mixing up the meals enough b/t chicken, beef, and fish (although he himself requests fish at least once a week). He told me he was tired of sauteed vegetables and wants fried food here and there. (The junky meal he wants for the week is cubed steak w/ gravy, white rice, fried potatoes, and fried okra...yucko) I told him it's fine if he wants it here and there, but I have been making a HUGE effort to make yummy healthy palatable dishes so he would not suffer. I told him he should be thankful that I cook. I told him I switch off with red meat and white meat most days and I need him to explain where I can do better to mix things up. He told me he already explained that I should just mix things up more...whatever that meant. I tried to get him to be specific...he's not that great at communicating. Oh well. I went Jerry Springer on him...just a little. All of it was very emotionally draining. We finally made up like after 4 hours. He told me I was right about the smoking thing....and other stuff. It's a blur now. We never really could get to a compromise on what I cook....for shame that he's a skinny guy. Errr. Anyway, that's been a lot of my week....my husband and I working up to an argument. I hope all you moms have a Happy Mother's Day. Joey and Niki are over for the weekend and we're taking my mom out to dinner tomorrow...so that should be fun. ☺☺☺ Really...I'm smiling.

Reality Bites

2010-05-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding this post like a plague. It makes me have butterflies in my stomach and it makes my stomach knot up all at the same time. I have this choking sensation in my throat...b/c the words want to come out, but I'm ashamed of the words. I admitted to my current feelings on some things to a friend last week and was shocked at my selfishness and the changes I'm going through.....that's when I took a drag off a cigarette and threw it away (That was the only time people...I swear).
   Back in June 2001, I met my husband David. We met on a cheesy phone dating service (yep that's how we losers do it :-D). Our meeting was going to be a little awkward b/c on my phone ad, I was looking for a guy with hair and he wasn't into fat chicks. lmao I wasn't sure what to make of him when we met b/c he seemed so straight faced, but he told me later at dinner he wanted to hug me right after he met me. (smiles) He then went on to "lay things on the table". He told me he had never dated a "bigger" girl before, but I held it well and he knew I'd lose it along the way. ha ha. As for me, I was just amazed that any guy would be interested in me...I was a single mom...a fat, poor, single mom. Well, his last sentence before we left the restaurant was, "I was kinda thinkin this could be like a first date and you and me might hold hands...and then maybe later I can kiss you." He was very forward to say the least. So, we left the restaurant hand in hand and then I layed a big kiss on his cheek. Our next date was similar, but this time when we got back to his truck, he became very serious. He told me about a disease called Huntington's and told me how his mother died from it when she was 54 and he was 18. He told me there'd be a 50% chance he'd have it and he wanted me to research it for myself....then come back later and make a decision on whether I wanted to continue things with him. I told him right then that all our days are numbered and everyday we walk out the door is potentially a health hazard and that I didn't need to decide on anything. I wanted to continue our relationship. We went through the normal "before" conversations...like we wanted to have a couple of kids together eventually. He really wanted a son.
Later on after we'd been married for a while, I told him I'd like to get started on the baby making. He told me he no longer wished to have children together. He told me he knew he had Huntington's and he just didn't want to have a child. Of course, this just crushed me b/c I wanted more babies...and I'd tell him there's absolutely no way he could possibly know that early...that he'd have Huntington's. Eventually, he changed his mind, but he was always back and forth. I finally had it, and told him we should take a break from trying. It was that month I got pregnant....even though I had almost decided that I didn't want to have kids with him anymore. Well, I almost miscarried my son, but God willing...and with proper meds...I was able to give birth to our son Enoch. It was Enoch that brought my marriage to a whole new level with David. I don't think we loved eachother the same before we had a baby together. Well, of course...the front thing on my mind was the possibility of my son having Huntington's. It always has been. Then my husband's half brother died from Huntington's. I took care of him for a little while...I still remember having to clean crap off my toilet b/c he couldn't hold still. Then recently, my husband's cousin died from Huntington's. She was 50....still looked so young in her picture.
Then a couple of weeks ago, we were putting out our garden. It was in the mid 70's. My husband was watching me plant. He was holding a soda can while I was taking a break on our porch. His arm was shaking...not like a fast shaking, but the sway I saw in his brother's arms when he first had Huntington's. I didn't think before speaking, but I said, "Honey...your arm...why's it shaking?". He had a blank look on his face for just like 2 seconds..but I saw it, and he said, "I'm just cold." even though he immediately stopped his arm from shaking and I didn't see his teeth chatter even once. Over the years, one thing I learned about my husband is that he doesn't answer questions fast at all. I just thought it was b/c he had to concentrate on listening, but the silence in between question and answer gets longer and longer. There's just things I see...and I feel like I know...I know what's coming. Then I ask myself, "What did I get myself into??". If he does have it, I maybe have 8-10 good years left with him...if that, since he has some symptoms showing early. Then it could take another 8 years for him to die...although it seems like in his family people only have it up to 4-6yrs. Although, his brother actually died from choking on food...his death was still caused by the Huntington's.
I'm a caregiver...it's one of my character traits, but I'm scared as hell about what the future holds. I've lived my life making hard choice after hard choice and sometimes I just want to ask, "Why do I choose the hard road in everything?" It's so selfish...but, then I start thinking. I think, I married a man that deals with racism...deeper than I ever realized before (I live in the south and my husband's father is 89--if you're wondering what could be the catalyst). Then I think, he spent the first half of our marriage calling me "fat" names and making me feel horrible about myself. Then I think, we fell in love b/c we had our faith in common and I'm just now realizing for the first time in my life....that I'm not sure if I have a faith. Don't get me wrong, I have been at the center of many issues earlier in our marriage. I had a ton of baggage. Also, there are other racist people in my life that I have to love and have to remember what past they came from. My tolerance knows no bounds...believe you me...it's the only way I survive. My husband admits it's a flaw even...though he also says he just can't change it. I think it's a cop out, and I think it's his fear of dissapointing his father...b/c my husband has a very diverse group of friends.
   Now I want to improve myself....and live life....and he wants to stay at home. I used to have to beg for new clothes and now I just don't ask him very often anymore. I take charge and am more confident...and I think it threatens him, but I don't think he realizes if I don't do this, then I won't be able to take care of him when he's dieing. I love him...and sometimes I wonder how we've made it work this far. How even though we are polar opposites, we fiercely love eachother. He's a wonderful father and he loves me in ways I've never experienced. He's thoughtful a lot of the time nowadays and helped me learn the value of "me" time. Just the other night, I layed in bed...he reached over, grabbed my arm, pulled it around him and squeezed it to him like a teddy bear. How could I not want to take care of this man? Then I wonder why I'm having such a weak moment...being overwhelmed by the reality that my husband probably has a terminal illness. I know people are supposed to act brave and be selfless and be compassionate when something hits them hard like this. I want to hide in a closet....or a never ending pan of brownies. I told a girlfriend last week about what I've been feeling and she told me she had no doubt I'd take very good care of David if he gets sick. Why can't I see this myself? I have felt so blocked...it would be so easy to crawl back into myself, but I know I can't and won't. Normally, I would have turned to faith and God through all of this, but over the years I've seen the mark of religion and what it leaves behind...and this is coming from a girl who was a missionary for a short time. I just can't subscribe to my old beliefs anymore. I think there's a God....but I just don't think he's the one I was taught about all these years. Why would God care if I wear skirts or not? Why wouldn't he want me to show love to a person who is scared to death of admitting their homosexuality to their parents? Why would God tell me to be meek and mild...when these two things go against my very essence? Why would God let silly women believe He took their side b/c the vote went through for an amendment change in my homeschool group that basically only allows certain denominations to run the group? Why would God be against my husband getting a vasectomy b/c we no longer wish to take a risk of having kids he might not be able to raise with me and and having kids who might get a really bad disease? Yes, I'm faced with these issues everyday with the believers I'm surrounded by. I just can't subscribe to this anymore...I haven't in a long time now. The jig is up. Admitting these 2 things....losing my faith and being scared to death of taking care of a dieing husband....are the two hardest things I've ever admitted. I had been thinking them for a while...but just didn't say it. Because saying it, would make it reality....and reality bites.
   Please don't judge me. I think everyone of us thinks about things we'd have people believe never touch the surface our mind, but alas...it does happen. I'm having my moment right now. I needed to get it out, so I can figure out how to proceed and needed to get it out so I can move again...b/c I was stuck.

Curse You Blog Spot!!!

2010-05-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

Blogspot is effing up again...not sure why, but it's MAKING ME ILL!!! I can hardly get comments published and I can't make comments on anybody's blog. Errrr...what is the deal with them lately? Anyone else having issues?

Food Log May 4th

2010-05-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

Breakfast: 1c. Kashi cereal, small handful raw walnuts, 1c. almond milk, 1small banana

Lunch: Arnold's whole wheat sandwich thin, 2 turkey sausage patties, 1oz. cheddar, small leftover salmon patty, small handful cashews, 1c. grapes, green tea

Dinner: Coconut top crusted flounder, stir fried green beans w/ chopped walnuts, grainy artisan garlic bread--2 pieces too much, twice baked potato half, 1 square dark chocolate

Haha, did you think I made all of that homemade?? lol. They had good ingredients though and were not

bad in calories.

I tried making my greenbeans a little different than usual. I stir fried them in a pat of butter, a couple minced garlic cloves, a pinch of thyme, a few drops of lemon juice, and threw in some chopped raw walnuts. They were toasted in the pan which gave the greenbeans a robust flavor. I was trying something similar to what Tami does with her greenbeans. Her blog is called Nutmeg Notebook. Look in my blog roll. She has some very yummy recipes. ☺

I'm trying to do more relaxing type things, so my daughter and I had a Biore' session after my shower. We look like we should be in Mummy.

Enoch thinks they are bandaids, so we rack up on "boo boo" kisses as much as we can when we are using Biore' strips. lol

My daughter is growing into a lovely young lady. She just got her first pair of glasses and they make her look older. :(

Still NOT smoking. I think about smoking a lot, but not the way you'd think. I'm not craving them. I'm just staying aware of them b/c I don't want to get caught in an unexpected stressful moment and it be the first thing I go to. It's like staying aware of why I hate it, helps me to remember this is a constant battle even if I'm not craving them. I definitely endorse Chantix by the way...awesome stuff. I cannot believe the lack of cravings I'm experiencing...it's crazy. I'm not grumpy either! I'm happy, and less stressed even though my week has been crappy. So...I'm cool...just in case ~~Kyle~~ you guys were wondering. j/k Kyle...you've been checking in on me and that makes me so happy. That's some good accountablity! lol Yeah, and you're a busy guy climbing big rocky walls and stuff. lol Go check out what he can do now since he's lost weight...pretty darn inspiring although I will not be joining in the ranks of rock climbing. Scared to death of heights. lol I did get pretty tired just watching though...does that count? Whew! What a sweat.
Anyway, I'm not doing great with weight loss right now. I just came off my appetite supressants and with quitting smoking, I'm beginning to wonder if I should start the calorie cap or start measuring my food religiously again. I dunno...I'm up for suggestions seriously. I don't want to gain anything back and I want to start losing again. I'm just having trouble getting motivated and disciplined again...I guess b/c I've been putting all that motivation and discipline into not smoking. I need to find a balance. Anyway, hope you all are having a great week. Stay tuned for the post I've been procrastinating on.

May 3rd. Food Log, Girl's Night, and Jackpot!

2010-05-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, so over the weekend I didn't do great, but I didn't do as bad as I could have either. Joey and Niki came over and I had a few extra potatoes and some candy. I do notice I'm getting to the point I can have small bites and I'm ok with not having more, but still I have to watch this b/c too many bites can be bad.
I have no clue how I messed up my food log and lost track a few days ago, but I think I'm going to start a journal I have to actually "write" in so I won't get my days confused. Anyway, here's what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast: 1c. Kashi cereal, 1c. milk

Lunch: 2 turkey sausage patties, 2oz. cheddar, 1 whole wheat sandwich thin, big salad (lettuce, carrots, cranberries, cashews, 2tbsp. Newman's Own ranch dressing), 1 square dark chocolate

Dinner: Sushi--not sure how many pieces, but my friend and I split everything and I definitely felt comfortable after eating...definitely didn't overdo it. We kept it to healthy options like cucumber roll, California roll, crab roll, and one called Christmas roll--had shrimp and avacado, and 1c. coffee w/ a little milk and nothing else.

I had a fun night lastnight. It started out w/ me leaving the kids with David. Then I went to SC to get gas b/c it's just cheaper and it's only a couple miles down the road. I blasted loud music the whole time w/ my window rolled down singing to the top of my lungs....it felt good. Then I drove back to town to our local sushi dojo. While I was waiting for the food, I ran into a doctor. Actually, the conversation started by me asking her what type of laundry detergent she uses. (Yes, leave it to a stay at home mom to get chatty about detergent. lol) I thought it smelled really good and she told me she had just finished working out so that was a relief to find out she didn't stink to high heaven. lol. Then I asked her where she works out. She told me ZUMBA!!! Jackpot!! My jaw dropped b/c you guys gotta understand....I live in a really small town. I had no clue our town had Zumba....and then I find out yoga too! 40 dollars--all the zumba and yoga you want per month. Yowza! She gave me the website for the Zumba....I gave her my blog address. lol I told her I quit smoking and she said, "Chantix?" I said, "How did you know?". She says, "I'm a doctor...I just figured." So then I found out where she practices and her name...and I think I might go visit her. Anyhoo, here's the website she gave me for the Zumba. I intended on blogging first thing this morning, but I started watching this lady's zumba videos instead. It looks like so much fun!!

Here's the link for the videos.

I have a treadmill that I intend on blooming a relationship with soon, but it will be hard since we hate eachother....like Karen over at Fitcetera says....the dreadmill. It probably hates me b/c its been turned into a hat/coat rack. Sorry Mr. Dreadmill.

I really want to take those classes though. It's just been impossible to do anything like that b/c of my husband's work schedule, so I'm hoping that it will work out this time. I really, really want it to work out this time. I may have to wait until I come off the Chantix to join though....it's really expensive and adding on another expense may not be feasible at the moment. Anyway, so I left the Sushi place and went over to my friend's house.

My friend Amy is getting divorced and she's been having a hard time obviously. I told her I'd bring Sushi and help her pack. We did a little packing while her kids were still awake...and we had fun playing in boxes w/ her kids. Hmm...maybe that's the reason we didn't actually get much done. Anyway, she got her kids to bed and we turned it to Gossip Girl and drank coffee. ☺ Yes, I'm almost 30 and my friend is 38....big whoop...we still watch adolescent soap operas. Well, we didn't actually watch much before we started catching up with everything that's been going on with eachother. My friend tends to isolate herself when she's stressed out....it was ~~the sushi~~ my push that finally got her to agree on a girls' night.
I told her everything I'm feeling right now and told her all about the homeschool group crap. It was nice to reconnect w/ her b/c she's one of my least (I have very few of these) judgmental friends. She told me her stuff about her moron ex (thinks he can get sole custody being on unemployment..he's been on it a year and plans to be on it for another year...just b/c. He wants to keep the house even though he can't afford it...and the kids even though my friend is the one who stayed home w/ them all this time.) and then we played with makeup. Since I've been wearing makeup more here lately, I'm finally polishing off the last bit of Mary Kay stuff I had. Amy just happens to sell Mary Kay. So, she played with my face for a while and showed me how to use eyeliner correctly...lmao, b/c I'm so au naturale I do not know how to do that stuff. I got new lipstick, lip gloss, eyeliner, foundation, moisturizer, and facewash. She sold it to me all for $35 dollars...which is a steal. I love that girl. Here's all my loot.

She and I gave eachother big hugs and said our "I love yous" and then I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. Before going in, I took the opportunity to read in my car for a while....yes took a pic too...don't know why. I think I've exchanged the habit of smoking now for a habit of taking pictures of myself. lmao...no good...no good at all. It's sad when one takes pics in the car...at night. (sigh) ;-)

This is my favorite pass time....sitting in my car, reading books in empty parking lots. (Insert song--Loser by Beck ) Right now I'm reading The Secret Life of Bees and Vampire Diaries. I usually have 2 going at the same time so if one is boring...I can switch to the other. I decided on Vampire Diaries b/c until Eclipse comes out in June, I have to get my vampire fix from somewhere...yes, I am a Twi-geek in the worst way. (whispers Yay Team Edward!!) haha. (A-gain insert song Loser by Beck) I finally got home around 1ish or 2ish. Wow, aren't I the party girl. It was a needed getaway though, so even if I stayed up too late, it was worth it. Now, I'm going to go nod off while cleaning the toilet....probably not the safest chore to do when sleepy aye? Laters gators. Oh thanks for your comments about my childhood soundtrack....it was fun making it. ☺ (((Hugs))) you guys.

Soundtrack for My Childhood

2010-05-04T00:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is the what I chose to do from the Oh My Blog! award. I'm making a soundtrack of my childhood which I've seen no one do so far....I think I know why they didn't b/c it's a little hard. Anyway, here it is. If you click the links, you'll be lead to a youtube video for each song. Each of these songs tells a great story or just has a great message that's dead on about how my life was at the time.

My Childhood

Father of Mine by Everclear (Rough childhood w/ dad)

Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (I rebelled...what can I say? I was a grunge in middleschool. ☺)

Because of You by Kelly Clarkson (Me realizing mom had a big part in things too)

Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore (Tough beginning with hubby...after the honeymoon was over. It talks about coming back to reality...realizing the fairytale isn't always as awesome as you think. Things can get hairy for a while. Then you realize if you simplify, things can work. This is a rockin' song too...love it. I have to add that it's an awesome video too...lots of color and imagination)

I'll Look After You by The Fray (My babies)

Cable Car by The Fray (Love this one...the lyrics...the music. Having to do w/ some current issues in my life that I'll be blogging about soon)

I'm Feeling You (Life is good) by Michelle Branch & Santana (My current life, love, and journey...love the words to this song)

Enjoy! ☺

PS--Just in case you're wondering...YES, still nicotine free. ☺ Whoot! Will be blogging my food log tomorrow bright and early. I had a girl's night out w/ my friend Amy....I'm up way too late as it is. lol

Oh My Blog Award! Soundtrack of my Childhood

2010-05-03T23:43:00.000-07:00

Thanks Karen over at Fitcetera! ☺ This just made my day by the way. Ok, so here's the scoop: I didn't see anybody else come up with a soundtrack for their childhood, and I just happen to love music. Music is a huge part of my life. Also, I kinda don't drink and there's no way in hell I'll take a pic of myself first thing in the morning...sorry, love you guys, but I can promise you would love me after seeing that pic. I would have done a vlog, but I'm still trying to learn how to do that. So, really...this was the option for me. So, stay tuned for The Soundtrack of my Childhood post. ☺

Here's the copy & paste stuff:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER!
2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:

(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog.
Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning,
before you do anything else (hair, make up, etc) and post it.
3. Pass the award on to at least three, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself.
Don’t forget to tell them.

I'd like to pass this OH MY BLOG award on to these fellow bloggers ...these bloggers crack me up and I've kinda needed it lately. So, thank you for the laughs. Here's your award.

Bacon Is My Lover
Fight Fat Phobia
Thufferin Thuccotash
Tony's Diet Blog
Jack Sh*t Gettin' Fit

Loving Myself and Apr. 30th Food Log

2010-05-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'm still nicotine free....well, technically. I talked with a friend all night long. This friend is unlike my other friends in many ways and I was able to admit some things that have only been running through my head. Some of those things I'm a bit ashamed of....and I will blog about it soon. I enjoyed my long conversation with my friend from highschool. Oh, the memories that flood back to what I thought was my hardest times, but now that I'm grown up I realize things were simpler back then. Anyway, after the sun rose, we said goodbye and I lit one. I took one drag...said, "Ewww" and threw it away. Thank God for Chantix. Thank God that once again I've reaffirmed to myself why I hated it so much. So, yeah, a screw up, but a victory as well. I NEVER throw cigarettes away....but in this case I did. I've just got to blog about these things that have been bothering me. I was a little shaky after the conversation, thinking to myself, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I said out loud what I've been thinking." Anyway, I stopped by a few blogs and left this comment on one and it was a nice reminder to myself about self love. So, I'm posting this for myself and if it helps anyone struggling with self love, then that will be a bonus.

I always thought losing weight was what I do to get to the point where I love myself, but the thing is, if we wait for the weight to come off and think somehow we'll magically love ourselves...we'll end up very disappointed. I did this when I was a teenager and even when my body was at an almost normal weight, I still thought I was so fat and ugly. I look back at those pics and wish I could tell that girl how beautiful she was. :)

At my current body state it would be easy for me to hate myself.

I could look at my mound of belly fat and how it hangs and be totally grossed out...but that belly hangs the way it does b/c of having my babies. My body made babies...beautiful ones. My stretchmarks and flabby belly are reminders of that. Even if I'd like to see my belly more toned, still...it has served me well in important times. lol My legs are mishapen from a condition called lymphedema...I've never liked my legs. However, I'm so thankful to have my legs b/c there are people who have none. I know...it's a stretch, but very true. See what I mean though? Every bit of us is worth loving. Loving ourselves will make us feel well worth taking care of.
I think some people automatically assume fat people have super low self esteem and while it's very typical, it's not always the case. I love myself more now than I did when I was a teenager. The first pic I posted was of a girl who did things to fit in with the crowd, she made sores on her chest to punish herself, she'd lay balled up in the bathroom floor crying...just to cry..b/c she felt so alone. The lady in the second picture thinks she's pretty damn hot for a fatty. lol. She also likes her hair and her really blue eyes. She loves the roundness of her face and the fullness of her lips. She likes her singing voice and isn't afraid to sing in front of people. She doesn't get embarassed very easily and she doesn't like being pushed around. She thinks she's right a lot of the time and doesn't mind letting her husband know it. lol. She used to think skinny girls were the ones who got all the action. This fat lady can tell you otherwise. B/c of my confidence, I think many people see around my fat. I mean...sure...yeah, they notice I'm fat, but they find the treasure once they get to know me. Ok, enough speaking in the third person. lol. Anyway, you get what I'm sayin. LOVE yourself for where you are at NOW.....not when you've taken the weight off. ((hugs)))

Breakfast: 1c. Kashi shredded wheat, 1small banana, 1c. milk

Lunch: Ah crap, I'm realizing now I have my food log messed up. I posted yesterday's as the 29th. Ok, I'm gonna nix this food log and resume tomorrow so I can figure out how I lost track. I think I'm gonna have to write this stuff down AND blog it. lol

Have a great weekend! I might not be back tomorrow since Joey and Niki are here. I will try to do a Niki and Joey post b/c I know some people think those are pretty funny....I even figured out how to get the video of Joey dancing on here. You'll have to turn your head to the side to view it, but still....funny. ☺

Fri. Apr. 29th Food Log

2010-04-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

This one will be short b/c I blogged 4 entries lastnight. I can't believe I posted that much!! Gah! I still have more on my mind...I need to stew about it a bit first. I'm still thinkin on some things. In case you guys missed one of my 4 posts with my log....I am .2 away from my 30lb. mark and I have made it through day 6 w/o any nicotine. So yay me. I'm sorry I haven't been around to all of your blogs. I promise I'll get there and I assure you, I always catch up with the entries I miss. Just ask Tami and POD. lol Then if I have time I leave a bunch of comments. lol. Anyway, Joey and Niki will probably come over this weekend which will be good. I'm really low in spirit right now b/c of some things, but I am prevailing even if it's not been perfect. I'm still losing weight, even if it's slow and I quit smoking. I think I'm doing DAMN good, yo. Not to mention, I've been fixing my hair and wearing make up. I am a hippy at heart...I love being natural...no...not in a "don't shave your armpits" sort of way. I just tend to be plain...even if it doesn't make me feel good. So, I'm changing it. Anyhoo, hope you guys are doing great and I hope you all have a super fabulous weekend and I will be by soon to hijack your blogs. Thanks for the comments and support...it's always cherished. ☺

Breakfast: 1c. organic cereal, 1 small banana, 1c. milk

Lunch: Arnold's sandwich thin, 2 all natural turkey sausage patties, 1 slice cheddar, small handful of cashews, baby carrots, small handful tortilla chips, one square dark choc.

Dinner: Taco Salad (seasoned lean beef, sprinkle of cheddar, romaine and arugula, salsa, 2tbsp. Newman's Own Ranch, handful tortilla chips), one square dark choc.

lots of green tea and water

Breakfast:

Last Saturday w/ My Mom

2010-04-30T01:41:00.000-07:00

So last Saturday I told you guys I went to my friend's kid's b-day party w/ my kids. I live an hour from Charlotte NC.....it's where I used to live and now it's just where my family lives.

If you've never been to Charlotte before, you should come by for a spell. There's Carowinds, The Panthers, Discovery Place, Nascar,....other stuff too. fun fun fun Anyhoo...

Well, I've mentioned before that my mom and I are not very close. She has her own life in which she is super involved and rarely reaches out to family. I promise I'm not whining ~~yet,~~ this is the way it is. My dad was super controlling, made my mom do lots of things she didn't want to do (some pretty frightening things I might add), and he was very suffocating. He pretty much took up any free time she would have had after taking care of we kids and the house. I remember her asking me if I'd like to go somewhere with her and then my dad told us we couldn't go. She told me for years that it was just my dad keeping her from spending time with me. Well, I was in orchestra and I was in colorguard in marching band. These are the two biggest activities I had in my life. No one came to see me unless I begged. My mom came twice and my dad once. My mom constantly ran my brothers to their sports and my dad went to a few of their games, but I was pretty much left to myself with my own activities. I eventually didn't mind b/c I got a boyfriend and liked making out w/ him after ballgames. See what happens when you don't know where your kids are?? In the meantime, my parents' marriage worsened and my mother had very few friends and absolutely NO one to talk to....but me. So, I knew way too much about the dirty things that were going on in my parents' marriage. There was even one time I had to convince my mom she shouldn't take her own life...(she denies she even mentioned this by the way...how would a child forget something like this??). Well, time passed and my parents separated while I was having my daughter. Then they separated again a week before I got married. My mom came to live with me and took over my apartment lease once I got married. She stayed just a few days shy of being able to get my security deposit back for me...yeah, thanks ma. Finally, my parental units got divorced. I thought, "Surely, now we can have a relationship. Dad's not there to scew it up now." Well, I'd try to connect w/ her, but she'd tell me she was super busy. After many attempts I gave up. After a while, I got resentful and confronted her and she denied telling me too much as a kid, and denied she hadn't spent enough time w/ me. It was so strange to me b/c my dad was the one who I thought screwed me up the most, but turns out my mom did too. This was a hard pillow to swallow. My dad apologized for his crap, but mom never did....and she was the one who'd normally apologize and my dad was the one who would NOT apologize. It's like they flipped. She got a boyfriend and has hardly looked back since then. Well, she recently broke up w/ her boyfriend again and now she's wanting to spend time w/ us. So, after the b-day party Saturday, we went to her house to grill out. I was so exhausted from running around after my son so I plopped down in a chair and fell asleep. She actually played w/ my kids and took care of them so I could nap for a few. I really don't know what to make of all this, but I guess we'll see where it goes.
I just...I just get so darn mad thinking about the fact I was the person she turned to for years. Then when she finally had the opportunity to make up for lost time...she just totally ditched me. I felt used up, not important, and like I was an "option" for her. I forgive her, but I'm still a bit guarded b/c I'm afraid she'll just take herself away from me once she gets another boyfriend. Whew...I needed to get that out.

I took a couple of photos...

Me staring at my new kicks right before I fell asleep...New Balance..cute? They have pink on them. ☺

Driving home in the dark....an hour drive from Charlotte to think about all the issues w/ my mother. I have no clue why I took this picture. I guess I felt like it was a long drive home since I had so much to think about.